A guy that DOESNT try to get in my pants....but what the heck does he want?!

[Star_Bright]

wow kind of feel sick to my stomach....i found out the name of the ex that he just ended a relationship with. I googled her name to see if she had a facebook profile or anything where i could maybe find any clues to why they broke up or what the story between them was. well my search revealed a wedding page for the two of them. they had a date set for next summer.

 

no wonder hes not ready for anything serious...and if he kisses me he probably feels like he is still cheating on her. they were together for 4 years and engaged....poor guy i dont know what to do....

 

Wowza... I posted my post to you when I read your initial question, before I read this post! Turns out I was dead-on... the same exact thing had happened to the guy I was dating, and he acted the same way.

 

I'm sorry to break it to you but my guy was years down the road from his broken engagement and he was still too afraid to trust. Hopefully your guy can get over it sooner but if it was very recent, your chances aren't great. You don't want to be his rebound girl. He may never open up and trust again. Hopefully he will and I'm not saying run away. I'm saying tread carefully and watch how he acts and yes definitely talk to him about it in an open way instead of posting things on FB. His reaction and how he speaks back to you will tell you a lot. My guy was *never* ready to open up and talk about things that he was feeling. But hopefully your guy will be better at communication and eventually start making moves.

 

And I totally get your point about him not initiating physical contact. Because *most* guys do, you start to wonder if this one is into you or not, and, based on my experience, it usually means something's up if they go for a month without initiating a kiss, hand-holding, etc. Don't let people make you feel wrong for wanting that. We are animals after all and in the animal kingdom the males initiate. I think it's totally normal for you to be wondering why he hasn't by now... and no, it doesn't mean you want to get naked for him and "bed him" and all of this other ridiculous stuff! It means you want him to put his arm around you and kiss you. I can completely relate. Good luck!

[missmebaby]

thanks Star Bright, you totally get me.

 

I think all hope might be lost with this guy though. Just breaking off an engagement and with someone you have been with for 4 years....theres no way hes ready for another relationship and I bet its going to be a long time. He may like hanging out with me but that doesnt change the fact that his heart is not in the right place right now.

 

And I have no clue how I could talk with him about this...I cant let him know that I know he was just engaged. He would want to know how I found out and I sure cant tell him I googled his ex gf. I am a very understanding person and I wish I could just tell him that I will go as slow as he needs and that I am just enjoying spending time with him and that I will be here for him. Ive never felt this way about anyone this early.....not like im falling in love with him or anything but I just feel like hes exactly what Im looking for and that he's "right" for me. It just really sucks that we're in 2 different places in our lives right now

[Insanitylater]

i dont mind things going slow...its just that ive never met a guy that lets it go this slow. i just cant read this guy

 

Thanks for proving my point that I've tried to make over and over with women.

 

Guys get in trouble if we move to fast, and get in trouble if we move too slow

 

If he moves too fast hes a pig

 

If he moves to slow he's a wimp

 

And instead of the OP communicating with him she goes behind his back and asks complete strangers to read his mind.

 

This is exactly why dating is such a efn problem

[bac]

well sure i could try to get in his pants but like i said in my post he hadnt even touched me all night, i take that kind of body language to mean that he doesnt want to do anything physical. we were laying on the couch together and he didnt put his arm around me, or even rest his hand anywhere on me.

 

You can try to kiss him/touch him in some sexual way to test him. Look at his reaction, if he does not like it, do not try it anymore.

I hope he is not a virgin at 28. He told you about his previous relationship.

I assume it was true. You might ask him about his opinion on sex/relationships.

 

From what I know the most common reason for stuff like that is the performance anxiety. But, it could be something else.

[missmebaby]

insanitylater you sound really bitter. you completely misinterpreted my post. Hes not in trouble at all for moving slow.....in fact I totally love when guys have enough respect to take things slow. And I wasnt asking strangers to read anyone's mind. I was asking for opinions on what his intentions might be.

 

And dont act like its just guys that have it so hard. I have dated guys that I have made the moves too fast and they have thought I was "easy" and then other times if I dont kiss them by the 2nd or 3rd date they think Im some kind of freak. Thats why we dont get into a relationship with everyone we go out on a date with, because you have to find the people you mesh with and have similar dating styles.

[bac]

I have known a man who after his divorce was not able to get his sex drive back for 5 yrs.

[missmebaby]

because body language speaks just as loud as verbal language....if hes laying right next to me and there is no affection why would I think he would want to kiss me? Im not going to do something that makes him feel uncomfortable or something he doesnt want to do.

[carhill]

I have known a man who after his divorce was not able to get his sex drive back for 5 yrs.

FTR, that man is not me

 

OP, be bold...

 

'Has there ever been a time in the past when you wanted to get married? If so, what happened and how do you feel about that?'

 

This is asking a *general* relationship question which has nothing to do with your dating dynamic. If you can't talk in such generalities, you'll never grow a successful relationship. Clear communication is a cornerstone of health in any relationship, platonic or romantic.

 

Try it

[missmebaby]

how am i creating drama? geez insanity you just like to bash women i think....sorry if you have not had luck lately or have gotten hurt but thats no reason to be so angry with dating in general. im not creating drama at all....i like this guy a lot and care about him. im only trying to ask advice on how i should proceed with this guy so i dont mess it up. im asking for opinions on what this guy's intentions might be so i have an idea what im getting myself into.

[missmebaby]

listen insanity because im only gonna say it one more time. 2 weeks ago i invited him to my house for dinner. we laid on the couch and i turned around towards him so we were face to face and i put my arms around him and i stuck my hands up his shirt because they were cold and we laughed and then i kissed him. Then I continued to lay facing him and we talked for hours. That was all moves made by me. Then the next time we went out I grabbed his head and kissed him when I was getting out of the car. Again, that was all me. So please now try to tell me I dont have the "balls" to do anything. Thats totally unlike me....its wayyy out of my comfort zone as I am shy when it comes to the beginning stages of a relationship but I made myself do it because I really like the guy and wanted him to know it.

[callingyouuu]

Are you fine with him just getting out of an engagement? I just find it strange that you still sound like you want to make it work. Like you said before, it may get in the way of developing the emotional bond between you, and that would be the kicker if I were in your shoes.

 

Honestly, I think he is just using you to fill the vacated emotional hole left by his ex-fiance. You're sort of a rebound. Realize that he probably won't act any differently towards you for a while until he has emotionally moved on.

[callingyouuu]

When there is no drama, women have that urge to create it.

 

I don't think this is what's happening here. If he really did just get out of a 4-year engagement or whatever, his actions do seem to be a cause of concern in terms of moving the relationship forward.

[missmebaby]

really insanity??? are you that lost? i said "im only going to say it one more time" because i have already said multiple times in my posts that I MADE THE FIRST MOVE. I said it in my original post that I made the first move weeks ago at my house by kissing him. quit trying to turn things around

[missmebaby]

callingyouuu: i agree with you. i dont think its going to turn into anything. ive been thinking about it since i found out a few hours ago that he was just engaged. he needs time to heal and time to get over his ex and want to be with someone else. its just really sad because he seems like such a wonderful guy. im not going to contact him....if he contacts me and wants to hang out again i will agree to it but we will have to have a talk about what exactly is going on in that head and heart of his.