Affair not due to bad marriage but other circumstances? Anyone experienced this?

[carrie999]

Okay, so in the course of sorting out this tangled web, I told MM that I don't believe we cheat unless something is missing in our current relationships. Unless, of course, MM/MW is just bored or looking for something new and exciting, which is an issue with the individual, not the relationship, per se.

 

In my case, I've wondered if it's just me. My SO is incredible and we have a great relationship, but I've never felt a connection like I felt with MM even before we started this and I admitted to myself I had actual feelings for him. There's nothing "wrong" with my relationship, but MM and I immediately connected on such a deep level that our conversations made no sense to anyone else...we finish eachother's sentences, and can convey entire paragraphs with two words, a look, and a few nods.

 

What it comes down to is this: he has always loved her and they get along, but he never considered alternatives or took any risks. They married because that was the only way their families would accept them living together, and neither wanted to move back home to somewhat difficult homes after college. They don't have true marital issues. When I posed the question, I expected him to be introspective, and told him I didn't expect a response, but he should think about it...if only to figure out why he's with me now.

 

Nothing drove him from her and to me. The first time we kissed, I saw in his eyes that he was as shocked as I was by that momentary lapse of reason.

 

Has anyone (male or female) been through this? He was just a very traditional guy who married his high school sweetheart because he loved her and that was the logical next step. He never got bored with her, but also never dated anyone else or experienced anything like what we have...in all fairness, in years of dating great guys, neither have I...

 

While we're experiencing the same thing in that sense, I arrived to this relationship through such a different route that I'm just trying to see his perspective. If anyone has been through what he has, I'd really love to hear your thoughts on it.

[woinlove]

You might get more responses on the infidelity forum, since many OW/OM are single and may never have cheated on their own partners. While I have been an OW several times, I never have and never would cheat. If I noticed an attraction, I either reconsidered the R I was in, if it wasn't that serious or committed, or I discussed it with my partner if my R was more serious. By discussing it, I either became convinced I didn't want to risk what I had or, in some cases, we had an open R, and I pursued it openly with everyone kept in the loop.

 

So, I think some people just aren't going to cheat no matter what. Others will, but have different thresholds. I've witnessed this from my own MM - some had low thresholds for cheating, and others higher. The ones with higher thresholds needed some "reason" in their marriage to cheat and didn't cheat until a decade or more of marriage, but it was really them setting the boundaries and deciding that they wanted both their marriage and someone else, at least for a time. Even though they usually were not honest enough with themselves, or self-aware enough, to see it this way - I saw it.

 

As to something missing in a R, if the R has something missing that is essential to the person (like respect, shared values, intimacy...) then, obviously, they are with the wrong person and many people will choose to end the R, rather than cheat. On the other hand, no R can or should meet all of our needs. It is good to have connections with others, to have friends and family who also meet some needs.

 

I do think it is difficult to honestly analyze one R when you are in the strong, initial, in love phase with another already. A lot of rationalization can go on. On the other hand, if you want to have a monogamous R, it is good that you are analyzing this as only you can control whether you will cheat again.

 

It sounds like you two are now together. I hope all four of you are doing as well as you can under the difficult circumstances. It is definitely a positive step to make a decision and move forward.

[bestplayer]

Okay, so in the course of sorting out this tangled web, I told MM that I don't believe we cheat unless something is missing in our current relationships. Unless, of course, MM/MW is just bored or looking for something new and exciting, which is an issue with the individual, not the relationship, per se.

 

In my case, I've wondered if it's just me. My SO is incredible and we have a great relationship, but I've never felt a connection like I felt with MM even before we started this and I admitted to myself I had actual feelings for him. There's nothing "wrong" with my relationship, but MM and I immediately connected on such a deep level that our conversations made no sense to anyone else...we finish eachother's sentences, and can convey entire paragraphs with two words, a look, and a few nods.

 

What it comes down to is this: he has always loved her and they get along, but he never considered alternatives or took any risks. They married because that was the only way their families would accept them living together, and neither wanted to move back home to somewhat difficult homes after college. They don't have true marital issues. When I posed the question, I expected him to be introspective, and told him I didn't expect a response, but he should think about it...if only to figure out why he's with me now.

 

Nothing drove him from her and to me. The first time we kissed, I saw in his eyes that he was as shocked as I was by that momentary lapse of reason.

 

Has anyone (male or female) been through this? He was just a very traditional guy who married his high school sweetheart because he loved her and that was the logical next step. He never got bored with her, but also never dated anyone else or experienced anything like what we have...in all fairness, in years of dating great guys, neither have I...

 

While we're experiencing the same thing in that sense, I arrived to this relationship through such a different route that I'm just trying to see his perspective. If anyone has been through what he has, I'd really love to hear your thoughts on it.

" My SO is incredible and we have a great relationship,......."

 

so I hope you have already done the right thing by know ie telling the truth about your affair with MM & asking your H for divorce ,

is that right ?

 

 

Best of luck

[Spark1111]

Okay, so in the course of sorting out this tangled web, I told MM that I don't believe we cheat unless something is missing in our current relationships. Unless, of course, MM/MW is just bored or looking for something new and exciting, which is an issue with the individual, not the relationship, per se.

 

In my case, I've wondered if it's just me. My SO is incredible and we have a great relationship, but I've never felt a connection like I felt with MM even before we started this and I admitted to myself I had actual feelings for him. There's nothing "wrong" with my relationship, but MM and I immediately connected on such a deep level that our conversations made no sense to anyone else...we finish eachother's sentences, and can convey entire paragraphs with two words, a look, and a few nods.

 

What it comes down to is this: he has always loved her and they get along, but he never considered alternatives or took any risks. They married because that was the only way their families would accept them living together, and neither wanted to move back home to somewhat difficult homes after college. They don't have true marital issues. When I posed the question, I expected him to be introspective, and told him I didn't expect a response, but he should think about it...if only to figure out why he's with me now.

 

Nothing drove him from her and to me. The first time we kissed, I saw in his eyes that he was as shocked as I was by that momentary lapse of reason.

 

Has anyone (male or female) been through this? He was just a very traditional guy who married his high school sweetheart because he loved her and that was the logical next step. He never got bored with her, but also never dated anyone else or experienced anything like what we have...in all fairness, in years of dating great guys, neither have I...

 

While we're experiencing the same thing in that sense, I arrived to this relationship through such a different route that I'm just trying to see his perspective. If anyone has been through what he has, I'd really love to hear your thoughts on it.

 

Carrie, there could be a million reasons....

 

A mid-life crisis where you wake up and ask "Is this all there is for me?"

 

A depression where, rather than taking measures to heal yourself, you take solace from another. This could be AP as a substitute for therapy of AP as a diversion from boredom.

 

It could be you didn't date, experience enough sexual partners before M and are really curious as to what is "out there." This is AP as a return to the adolescence you never had....

 

Either way, it can have some very painful, life-altering consequences for those whose trust is betrayed.

 

What's in it for you?

[harmfulsweetz]

Okay, so in the course of sorting out this tangled web, I told MM that I don't believe we cheat unless something is missing in our current relationships. Unless, of course, MM/MW is just bored or looking for something new and exciting, which is an issue with the individual, not the relationship, per se.

 

In my case, I've wondered if it's just me. My SO is incredible and we have a great relationship, but I've never felt a connection like I felt with MM even before we started this and I admitted to myself I had actual feelings for him. There's nothing "wrong" with my relationship, but MM and I immediately connected on such a deep level that our conversations made no sense to anyone else...we finish eachother's sentences, and can convey entire paragraphs with two words, a look, and a few nods.

 

What it comes down to is this: he has always loved her and they get along, but he never considered alternatives or took any risks. They married because that was the only way their families would accept them living together, and neither wanted to move back home to somewhat difficult homes after college. They don't have true marital issues. When I posed the question, I expected him to be introspective, and told him I didn't expect a response, but he should think about it...if only to figure out why he's with me now.

 

Nothing drove him from her and to me. The first time we kissed, I saw in his eyes that he was as shocked as I was by that momentary lapse of reason.

 

Has anyone (male or female) been through this? He was just a very traditional guy who married his high school sweetheart because he loved her and that was the logical next step. He never got bored with her, but also never dated anyone else or experienced anything like what we have...in all fairness, in years of dating great guys, neither have I...

 

While we're experiencing the same thing in that sense, I arrived to this relationship through such a different route that I'm just trying to see his perspective. If anyone has been through what he has, I'd really love to hear your thoughts on it.

 

 

See I read something else into it, I read that there are issues in your relationship. You say you lack a connection to your SO-this could be construed a problem, yes? I'm not judging just suggesting.

 

It may not be a typical (is there ever?) reason, but it's still a reason. I cybercheated on my ex, my ex was seemingly amazing, he did everything for me, etc. But something was always missing. I just didn't see it until it was forced on me to see it.

 

It sounds like your OM (MM) is probably suffering from the G.I.G.S, many do when they marry their first loves. They haven't fully explored what else is out there, which is why I advocate a period of singledom before marrying so young. You need to be sure of what you want before taking that step.

[carhill]

OP, don't know how long you've been married, but 'connections' and the attendant emotions change as we change throughout our lives. It's very possible that you don't feel the same connection with your SO that you do with the MM because the connection with your SO is predicated upon your psychology of the past. Therein lies the reasoning for 'reinventing' the marriage periodically, to grow the connection as each partner grows and changes in life.

 

Certainly, this issue can be prevalent in those who marry young but IMO can happen at any time in life and irrespective of other events like life crises, MLC, etc.

 

What do you want to do next?

[desertIslandCactus]

Since probably no marriage is perfect, the affair partners will normally grasp onto problems within the marriage to give reason for their adultery.

 

You can say that because the M was early, long and perhaps not enough experience beforehand .. that that can be considered as reason..

 

Probably I would think the main reasons for aultery or infidelity .. would be that of being anamored, captivated, bored, ego on both the MP's and other person's part.