beyondhope Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Hello all, So, I went on a date today. I had my guard up because I tend to fall easily into abusive relationships. I'm reflecting on the day now, and I'm not sure what to think. I met this person online, and we'd only talked for a few weeks, but seemed to have a lot in common. He's very intelligent (I wouldn't have considered a date otherwise) and extremely attractive, and the meeting was only mildly awkward, considering we met on a dating site. We spent six hours together, and it didn't feel stuffy, but... I first noticed that he used a lot of curse words, casually, which felt odd considering I met him at his [public] workplace, and it was our first encounter. I felt like he should have been more formal out of respect. I also noticed that for most of the day, he would briskly walk in front of me, and only towards the end of the evening did he begin act more cordial; holding doors open, offering to pay for dinner, etc. To me, this felt like he was trying to put on the smooth moves and seal the deal... Then, during dinner he said three things that set off the alarms: -I jokingly made reference to sociopathic behavior...it wasn't even about him, but he said, "You're the fourth person today to call me a sociopath"...I think it's pretty rare that people get called sociopaths that often unless they ARE one. -He said something really stupid, like "I ate a ham sandwich for lunch today". I respond with, "Oh, really?" because it was a strange comment and I didn't know what else to say, but his reply was, "No, I just made that up. I like to lie to people to see if they can tell when I'm lying". THAT made me really uncomfortable too...if you are familiar with abusive behaviors, abusers tend to do things like this...it's called "gas lighting". -Third, near the end of the night, he asked me about my family, and after responding, I politely asked about his. He gave this very long soliloquy about how he has not spoken to ANYONE in his family for seven years because they are religious and he is an atheist. I want to know if y'all think these are indicators that I should walk away now, because I definitely see parallels between this guy (especially the last three things) and someone who was extremely abusive towards me. Am I just being paranoid? At the end of the night, I was just going to say thanks and go home, but he rather pointedly asked me on a second date for next weekend. So I have to decide by then if he's a creeper. THANKS
PratyekaYana Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Setting aside the possibility that this man may be under the directive of severe psychological disorders (sociopathic, abusive tendencies and the like), is he really the sort of fellow with whom you'd want to enter into a relationship? Even if his behavior was the sign of some stagnant immaturity or personality affectation/defense mechanism rather than the more unsettling alternative, his actions don't paint him in a positive light at all. The foul mouth, the infantile "lie detector" tests, his occasional aloofness--each of these factors brings into question exactly what benefit you would receive from trudging through your doubt and committing yourself to another date. I vote that you look elsewhere.
Author beyondhope Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 Ugh, I'm afraid you may be right. It's really tough for me, though, to walk away because I get so excited about new dates, and new possibilities. Part of me wants to give him that second chance. What I don't understand, of course, is why there is even a second date, considering the first was not bad but there wasn't a spark, either. Even that makes me suspicious...
colliejoanie Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 I would say RUN. You can obviously find other guys, given the fact that you've been on other dates. Big red flags. You don't need to even think about someone who is already trying to play mental games.
murphomatic Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Yeah, this is no bueno... As the other posters have said ... don't walk - RUN.
PratyekaYana Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Ugh, I'm afraid you may be right. It's really tough for me, though, to walk away because I get so excited about new dates, and new possibilities. Part of me wants to give him that second chance. What I don't understand, of course, is why there is even a second date, considering the first was not bad but there wasn't a spark, either. Even that makes me suspicious...Channel that excitement into the motivation that you need to move on! If you get easily excited about new dates and the opening of new possibility, then remind yourself that the very things that give you such a rush will once again be available to you once this guy is removed from your life. I see no downside!
Author beyondhope Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 Thank you all for your insight. It sounds like there's a solid consensus about this. The trouble is, nearly all the men I've dated have had similar "red flags" and usually I just ignore the bad stuff until it's too late...so...what does this mean? Am I attracting the wrong type? Are most men like this?
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