How do people move on?

[halemeno]

It's been over a year since my first and only love and I broke up. While I loved her more than anything, I had to be the one to call it off because we had become very unhealthy.

I have been in therapy and feel that I have healed but still don't understand something: how do people learn to love again after they've lost someone? I've dated since then but I have always had to call off these relationships because I know that I'm still in love with her and therefore can't love them, as sweet and wonderful as they may be. She's been in a relationship since two months after our breakup and has no problem letting me or anyone else know how in love with her new partner she is. I'm glad that she's happy, but I just don't understand how she was able to do it.

[skydiveaddict]

how do people learn to love again after they've lost someone? I

 

 

Sometimes you don't

[WTRanger]

They don't dwell on it. They don't dwell on any of it. They may have fond memories, but they accept it as the past. That's what you must do. Accept it, but keep it in the past.

[Cratsky]

Totally with WTRanger. By living in the past and dwelling on how good it was etc, you're failing to close the door. It wasn't that good, otherwise you'd still be together.

It sounds like you are holding onto an idealised image of your relationship. Continue to work through what went wrong and how 'unhealthy' it was, you should know that nothing else you could have done at the time would have changed the outcome.

 

The what if's and the maybe's just aren't worth it.

 

I would probably suggest you take a look at your ability to be emotionally intimate with people etc. If you're scared of being hurt, comparing everyone to an idealised relationship you're destined to be alone.

 

Remember how amazing it was at the start and ask yourself whether it's worth getting out there and finding that feeling again? I'd say the answer is a big yes. There is someone out there, more compatible and it's a blessing in disguise that you're able to welcome it.

[nabin]

Halemeno,

I had the same feeling as you and had tried very hard to move on. This is despite know that the previous relationship is unhealthy.

Somehow dwelling in the past became an issue for me and it sucks sometimes. There are good days when i don't even think about my ex but when I pass by a familiar area or in those lonely nights the memories start to creep back.

I feel that social circle isn't big enough for me to know more ppl and life sometimes doesn't provide me with a strong purpose and direction.

[Trinity2]

It's been over a year since my first and only love and I broke up. While I loved her more than anything, I had to be the one to call it off because we had become very unhealthy.

I have been in therapy and feel that I have healed but still don't understand something: how do people learn to love again after they've lost someone? I've dated since then but I have always had to call off these relationships because I know that I'm still in love with her and therefore can't love them, as sweet and wonderful as they may be. She's been in a relationship since two months after our breakup and has no problem letting me or anyone else know how in love with her new partner she is. I'm glad that she's happy, but I just don't understand how she was able to do it.

 

I am very sorry for your break up, and am kinda going through the same thing you are and will read the rest of your thread and maybe there will be some answers for me too. I really hope you find all of the answers you need to move on:)

[thatsonlyme]

Halemeno,

I had the same feeling as you and had tried very hard to move on. This is despite know that the previous relationship is unhealthy.

Somehow dwelling in the past became an issue for me and it sucks sometimes. There are good days when i don't even think about my ex but when I pass by a familiar area or in those lonely nights the memories start to creep back.

I feel that social circle isn't big enough for me to know more ppl and life sometimes doesn't provide me with a strong purpose and direction.

 

Social isolation makes things worse, but things will get better eventually. I felt very isolated when my ex left me, I have hard time making new friends but things are slowly changing. Some people who I haven't seen in ages contacted me out of nowhere, we started hanging out again, it's getting better. I've been in situations like this before (even though it was never nearly as bad) and every time things just work itself out!

 

Dwelling in past is the hardest obstacle to overcome, but now I'm getting to the point where I can just push the memories aside as they come. All you need is something to keep you busy. I started watching some self improvement videos on youtube, trying to work on my self confidence and improve my social skills.

 

Even though my ex is still in my life, slowing down my progress I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I still have to learn how to love again, but I'm sure the right person will come. The key is in not sitting at home dwelling in self pity. Just go out, walk, get yourself a coffee or lunch, try to be positive, talk to people. I was very socially awkward person before break up, now I can talk to everyone! At the coffee shop I always have a small talk with barista or a person next to me in line. I'm not really good at flirting but I talk to women wherever and whenever I meet them. Hell, the other day I had a little chat with this woman at the park box while I was waiting for her to pay for parking! I'm not trying to pick them up, I don't even know how, but talking to them makes my day a little better. That way I feel less alone and I think less about past.

 

FYI, I always considered myself shy and had a strong fear of rejection which prevented me from approaching people and talking to them. If I can do it, anyone can! Your ex is in your head just because you have nothing else to focus on. Try to change that!