What do you think of severe jealousy and anger in a relationship?

[Carm]

I'm sorry to say TheMENemy but you suffer from the 'fragile male ego syndrome'....men and women can have a platonic friendships for goodness sake.

[TheMENemy]

 

 

 

Wow, you're far reaching with that one aren't you?

 

Actually I don't feel I strained any muscles at all, so, no.

 

 

Sorry OP but this needs saying. And sorry everyone else too. (I promise this is the last you'll read about this). You really know how to twist things so that they fit your interpretation don't you?

 

No, I didn't twist anything. I simply quoted what you posted to someone else, this is your own advice, and asked you wouldn't it be appropriate for you to follow your own advice, first? If not, why are you giving it to other people? Either your advice, which is a general statement about taking responsibility for one's own actions, is appropriate (I happen to agree with it), or it isn't. If it's appropriate, it's just as appropriate for you to follow, yourself, in your own situation.

 

I really don't see how it could be twisting anything simply to suggest you take your own advice before you suggest others follow it. You must be more intelligent or perceptive than me or something.

 

 

 

How's about, you keep my thread separate from other threads please?

 

I didn't bring your thread into this one. I simply suggested you apply the advice you are giving to someone else, to yourself. I'm still not sure what is bothering you about the notion that you should take your own advice, which in this case, I happen to agree with.

 

 

 

Also, as stated in my thread, stop inferring things that aren't there.

 

Well now it appears that you are trying to bring your thread into this one.

 

In any event I will infer whatever I believe is an appropriate inference based on my read of the materials posted in the thread. If you have a difference of opinion, that doesn't bother me in the slightest, obviously we are different people and will have different opinions.

 

 

 

I don't blame him for my issues, my issues are mine and mine alone, had them before him, no doubt will after him. How many times does a girl need to say that?

 

We are not discussing your thread in this thread, nor did I ask you to justify anything that you did. I simply suggested that you take your own advice. If you don't want to, you don't have to, but then why should anyone else.

 

In this thread (in the quoted parts) you specifically twist it so that it is not the man's fault at all, in fact, going as far to twist it so that it is OPs fault.

 

There's nothing "twisted" at all. OP took actions which she knew would make her bf uncomfortable and stimulate his jealousy. He reacted in what she says is an inappropriate/socially unacceptable, but not in any way unusual or remarkable, fashion--he got angry and yelled at her. If you think that means the OP is at "fault" that's your opinion, I don't believe I ever accused her of being at "fault" though.

 

 

 

 

Can you not comprehend a man may be indeed wrong?

 

How can his feelings be "wrong"? He is entitled to have his feelings. I assume he would not have them unless he thought he had a good reason for them. If OP disagrees then she should end the relationship. No biggie. But she needs to understand that very few guys she dates seriously will be comfortable with her multiple sketchy one on one opposite sex friendships.

 

 

In my thread, you vehemently refuse point blank to believe the guy could be at least at fault for some of it.

 

I thought we weren't talking about your thread. Oh well since you brought it up...your desire to place blame on your bf is beside the point, since he's not a participant in your discussion. The issue is whether you are responsible for your actions in the relationship and I believe you are. (Hey same as OP in this thread! Hey isn't that exactly what your "advice" was, that I suggested you copy to your own thread? Hey MAYBE THE TWO THREADS ARE RELATED???? Wow whaddya know...)

 

 

End rant.Apologies to all except the one I'm directing it at.

 

 

Maybe ranting isn't what you should be doing.

[TheMENemy]

I know I am late to the party, but this paragraph really struck a chord with me.

 

One of my deepest friendships has been with a platonic female friend, where my only ulterior motive was that I enjoyed her company. That friendship started while I was in a relationship, and it didn't change after my gf and I broke up.

 

Not enough details provided, but you're implying that the platonic friendship was entirely unrelated to your relationship breakup.

 

Maybe so, depends on the facts. However if you are directing significant energy towards a person of the opposite sex it's going to inevitably detract from what you are able to put into your primary relationship. Whether you want to call the friendship platonic or not, you are getting emotionally intimate on some level with a female who is not your significant other. In fact your platonic friendship started during and actually outlasted your prior romantic relationship so I would consider that to be pretty sketchy actually.

 

And for the record, she was smoking hot (and bi sexual to boot).

 

Yeah I'm sure you never had a naughty thought. As soon as you characterize your friend as "smoking hot" then automatically it's not platonic anymore. You're thinking of her in a sexual light. If she's "smoking hot" then you're fantasizing about banging her. That's what "smoking hot" means--"I would really like to bang her."

 

So you just blew whatever your whole platonic argument was going to be completely out of the water. "Smoking hot" contradicts "platonic." LOL.

 

I think I was able to have this friendship with her because I didn't see her as only a potential gf or potential f-buddy who I kept around "just in case", but as a fellow person who I always had a blast around.

 

OK so you always say her as a potential gf or sex partner, therefore, this was never platonic, you obviously don't know what "platonic" means. It sounds like you wanted to have sex with her and were emotionally attached, in essence, this is not platonic, it's an emotional affair, and absent some other reason this relationship was probably a big part of why your romantic relationship broke up.

 

 

I actually think this friendship was helpful to my relationship because I could get an unbiased female opinion on my relationship problems, and I gave her an unbiased male opinion on her relationship problems, instead of just the standard advice from same sex friends everyone gets.

 

Sorry kdark but these are precisely the kinds of rationalizations that cheaters often make as they are sliding down the slippery slope of infidelity. Fail. You apparently cheated on your ex because you were in an emotional affair with this woman. I'm sure that won't be a welcome statement but nevertheless the objective facts as related by you point to it quite clearly.

 

Is this really that rare themenemy?

 

Yes because most people are exactly like you, they rationalize emotional infidelity which frequently has sexual fantasies associated with it. This is not a platonic friendship. What's great about your post is that you divulged your internal thought processes honestly so everyone can see why people think it's a good idea to get involved in these sorts of things. OP never did of course, she never revealed her true internal dialogue. I imagine it was quite similar to yours only from a woman's POV.

[TheMENemy]

I'm sorry to say TheMENemy but you suffer from the 'fragile male ego syndrome'....men and women can have a platonic friendships for goodness sake.

 

LOL yeah just like kdark, all he could think about was banging his hot "platonic" friend.

 

You just proved your bf's point, with kdark's help, now everyone can understand what the typical man is thinking in one of these "platonic" deals, you know, just like the OM who was making doggy eyes at you, he was thinking exactly what kdark was thinking, "Gee Carm is hot, I'd sure like to bang her if I ever got the chance."

 

NOW you know why your bf got so angry. Assuming you weren't well aware of it before.

 

Listen, I'm not in a relationship with you, so I don't have to swallow your rationalizations, just like I don't have to swallow kdark's. You'll note kdark's relationship with his gf failed to, just like yours is failing, yet neither you nor kdark is making the appropriate logical connection.

[nittanylion]

OMG, I get the jealousy BUT these guy friends have been around a lot longer than this new relationship and a couple of them are gay. TheMENemy, you are WAY off base here....who said I was going on dates?? WTH!!

 

I have always been extremely affectionate with my bf, he knew that I loved him and he always told me that he appreciated my PDA's.

 

Aside from the jealousy, the intense anger was way out of line and I cannot tolerate the name calling and condemnation! In the past 5 months, this is the second time that I have witnessed his rage and the first time I told him that he does not fight fair. He begged me to forgive his outburst and I did and now here I am in the same situation.

 

If some guy is not confident enough to accept that I have guy friends well then I'm not interested in someone who needs their ego stroked 24/7.

 

With this kind of attitudes, it will turn any guy off being you gf. I feel sorry for your bf. He has to apology and watch what he said around you. Now, he is on a time ticking bomb, and you are ready to bail off at anytime.

 

I think you have a bitchy attitude, you remind me of my ex-gf. Its all about you and your selfish interests, its never about partnership with you. Also, I think its all about power trip with you. You want to control your bf, and wrap a leash around his neck. Sad but truth.

[carhill]

As a point of history, it appears more than old male friends have been asking the OP out to dinner while she's been dating her BF. It also might be relevant, taken from the linked thread, that she's in her mid 40's and a personal trainer.

 

Perhaps it would be best if she and her BF sought out more compatible partners. I have a feeling this issue won't resolve in a healthy way. Sorry....

[Surrealist]

I note a couple of posts have been deleted. I actually cited a rather abusive posts by someone and pulled her up on it and both that post and mine are gone? Oh well, never mind.

[TheMENemy]

As a point of history, it appears more than old male friends have been asking the OP out to dinner while she's been dating her BF. It also might be relevant, taken from the linked thread, that she's in her mid 40's and a personal trainer.

 

Perhaps it would be best if she and her BF sought out more compatible partners. I have a feeling this issue won't resolve in a healthy way. Sorry....

 

Carhill,

 

in a prior generation, isn't it true that mature women in their mid-40's who decided to have a sexual relationship with a man, refer to it as "taking a lover"?

 

What is it with the "boyfriend" appellation, even for people who are middle-aged and beyond middle-aged?

 

For some reason until you pointed out that Carm was in her 40's my working assumption was that she was very much younger, say in her early 20's.

 

I'm not sure why I thought that.

[TheMENemy]

I note a couple of posts have been deleted. I actually cited a rather abusive posts by someone and pulled her up on it and both that post and mine are gone? Oh well, never mind.

 

Did you quote the language which you objected to, in your own post?

 

That might be the reason yours was pulled, too.

 

Just a guess by me, of course.

[carhill]

in a prior generation, isn't it true that mature women in their mid-40's who decided to have a sexual relationship with a man, refer to it as "taking a lover"?

 

What is it with the "boyfriend" appellation, even for people who are middle-aged and beyond middle-aged?

 

Yeah, that was my experience, but I grew up in the 60's and had comparatively 'older' parents.

 

Something about the OP caused me to look at history, mainly some parallels I noted with a recent MW incident. The MW is a massage therapist and about the OP's age.

 

It appeared the boyfriend also had objected to a dinner engagement an older male client had invited the OP out to, so this issue appears to be many-faceted. She sounds like she's feeling limited and smothered by the boundaries the BF appears to have, so probably best to retain her friendships and client relationships and let the BF go, IMO.