What do you think of severe jealousy and anger in a relationship?

[Carm]

Well I think I'm about to pull the plug on a 5 month relationship!

 

I saw signs of jealousy in the beginning but since he knew that I didn't like jealous partners I think he tried to suppress those negative feelings.

 

I have a few male friends that I've had for a few years now and of course he doesn't like it. To make him feel better we went out to dinner with my guy friend and his wife, I thought things went great. But he's thrown it in my face that he thought my friend was looking at me all night with puppy dog eyes.

 

When another guy friend asked me to go out for dinner, I said yes and when my bf didn't like it I cancelled but not without his anger coming out....calling me names, telling me all his friends think this is just weird and that I'm being promiscious. He didn't talk to me for a day and when he did call me, he was screaming at me again.

 

I personally believe that jealousy and anger are deep routed problems and this is screaming RED FLAG??

[Sarah1977]

I think jealousy is a sign of very deep insecurities. I don't date men with that sort of baggage.

[Carm]

I totally agree and of course it doesn't help that his ex-wife cheated on him with her boss but I do also think it goes even deeper than that.

 

I've been cheated on and I don't behave like that.

 

The problem is he's telling me he'll go into therapy and I don't think there's much hope to be honest!

[denise_xo]

What you are describing would be a deal breaker for me. I do try to stretch far for my partner, but I'm not good with jealousy at all.

[Eeyore79]

A bit of jealousy wouldn't worry me too much. It seems perfectly reasonable for a man to be unhappy about his girlfriend going out for dinner alone with another man. What would worry me is the fact he clearly has anger management problems and is incapable of discussing these issues with you calmly. Instead he gets all riled up, screaming and calling you names. That would be my cue to end the relationship immediately.

[Cee]

What you are talking about (calling you names, implying you're promiscous) borders on emotional abuse. I'd run away fast. If he wants help, he can get help, but I wouldn't wait around. I'd let his next girlfriend see if he's changed or not.

[luvnpain]

Not deeply invested after 5 months, and its a huge red flag. He should definitely get therapy but it could take a while to deal with, and you don't know how deep his issues are. Only you know if all his other qualities are worth jumping in with him and supporting him. I would back away though.

[TheMENemy]

When another guy friend asked me to go out for dinner, I said yes and when my bf didn't like it

 

 

Of course he didn't like it.

 

You made a dinner date with another man.

 

Your bf is normal.

 

The only type of guys who would tolerate your behavior in the context of a supposedly serious, exclusive committed relationship are doormats or are themselves cheating on you, or planning on it, and therefore don't care.

[TheMENemy]

I have a few male friends that I've had for a few years now and of course he doesn't like it.

 

So OP then your use of the phrase "of course" shows that you're well aware that your behavior in cultivating these "friendships" with other men is not appropriate in the context of a serious, exclusive relationship with a man.

 

The reason your bf or ex-bf is angry is because you know what you're doing is inappropriate, but you're doing it anyway. You know it; he knows it. It's a power play by yourself to dominate the relationship and is guaranteed to stimulate either anger or an immediate break up from any guy you ever date who has an ounce of self respect.

[Ruby Slippers]

Not being a fan of the dinner is one thing -- ranting, calling her names, avoiding her, and screaming at her are different things.

 

He sounds a little crazy. I'd definitely move on.

[TheMENemy]

To make him feel better we went out to dinner with my guy friend and his wife, I thought things went great. But he's thrown it in my face that he thought my friend was looking at me all night with puppy dog eyes.

 

The bolded phrase is extremely condescending. You went out as a foursome with the other man and his wife because you wanted to, not "to make your boyfriend feel better." If you wanted to make your bf feel better, you would have not gone out at all with the other man, even with his wife along. Essentially you used your boyfriend on this double date as a "beard." I.e. so that the OM's wife perhaps would not cotton to the fact that there may be something not quite appropriate about the relationship between yourself and her husband.

 

Your bf "threw it in your face" that the OM was looking at you w/puppy dog eyes, but you don't DENY the puppy dog eyes.

 

In the future, please don't behave in ways guaranteed to generate anger in another person and then criticize the other person for the consequences of your choices and your behavior.

 

You do NOT know how to have a healthy relationship yet.

 

Hopefully you will learn.

[Surrealist]

It's not so much he doesn't like or agree to it, going only by the OP post, but that he is reacting in an angry manner with name calling and so on. Seems like the relationship is a disaster anyway, this kind of reciprocal treatment at 5 months, imagine if things aren't sorted in a year or so.

[NickelbackFan]

I agree, having her go out to dinner with another man other then her husband when he clearly expressed dismay is normal, but the anger and name calling is inappopriate and can escalate if not curbed or addressed. I can tell he being cheated on has a lot to do with his mistrust of you and your male friends.

[TheMENemy]

Not being a fan of the dinner is one thing -- ranting, calling her names, avoiding her, and screaming at her are different things.

 

He sounds a little crazy. I'd definitely move on.

 

OP sounds emotionally abusive to her ex bf, IMO.

 

Sometimes people who feel they are being emotionally abused react with anger.

[TheMENemy]

It's not so much he doesn't like or agree to it, going only by the OP post, but that he is reacting in an angry manner with name calling and so on. Seems like the relationship is a disaster anyway, this kind of reciprocal treatment at 5 months, imagine if things aren't sorted in a year or so.

 

 

Yes but remember--we're not actually getting the full context and flavor of their conversation--we're only getting the story with a spin most favorable to the impression the OP wants to create.

 

We're not hearing all the gaslighting and crazy-making and belittling by OP of her ex bf for his concerns that undoubtedly went on during this conversation, as she attempted to disregard his legitimate concerns about her fidelity, until he finally blew up in frustration.

 

Hey some women make an art of this kind of thing. Not saying the OP did but still--she even ADMITTED that she KNEW what the score was by saying "of course" her bf didn't like her various relationships with OMs. Yeah of course "of course."

[TheMENemy]

I agree, having her go out to dinner with another man other then her husband when he clearly expressed dismay is normal, but the anger and name calling is inappopriate and can escalate if not curbed or addressed. I can tell he being cheated on has a lot to do with his mistrust of you and your male friends.

 

Nickel, OP admitted that she made her bf go out on a double date with an OM and OM's wife. OM made "puppy dog eyes" at her throughout the dinner.

 

What guy wouldn't get extremely angry at that except someone with a real bad cuckold fetish?

 

Then she tops it off with making an out and out dinner date with OM#2.

 

Let's look at what OP says was actually said to her in the convo. His friends think her behavior is "weird" and that she's "promiscuous." He called her names. After a day of NC he called and screamed at her.

 

What did SHE say to him during these two convos? Nothing at all? Are you kidding me? The OP is a woman who apparently does whatever she feels like with no apologies. Do you actually think she said nothing at all during these two conversations? I'm more than sure she "gave" at least as good as she "got."

[TheMENemy]

I think jealousy is a sign of very deep insecurities. I don't date men with that sort of baggage.

 

 

I think jealousy is a rational response when a supposedly serious gf dates other men.

[Carm]

OMG, I get the jealousy BUT these guy friends have been around a lot longer than this new relationship and a couple of them are gay. TheMENemy, you are WAY off base here....who said I was going on dates?? WTH!!

 

I have always been extremely affectionate with my bf, he knew that I loved him and he always told me that he appreciated my PDA's.

 

Aside from the jealousy, the intense anger was way out of line and I cannot tolerate the name calling and condemnation! In the past 5 months, this is the second time that I have witnessed his rage and the first time I told him that he does not fight fair. He begged me to forgive his outburst and I did and now here I am in the same situation.

 

If some guy is not confident enough to accept that I have guy friends well then I'm not interested in someone who needs their ego stroked 24/7.

Edited November 8, 2010 by Carm
error in sentence

[welikeincrowds]

What do you think of severe jealousy and anger in a relationship?

 

I'm for it!

 

[Carm]

Nickel, OP admitted that she made her bf go out on a double date with an OM and OM's wife. OM made "puppy dog eyes" at her throughout the dinner.

 

What guy wouldn't get extremely angry at that except someone with a real bad cuckold fetish?

 

Then she tops it off with making an out and out dinner date with OM#2.

 

Let's look at what OP says was actually said to her in the convo. His friends think her behavior is "weird" and that she's "promiscuous." He called her names. After a day of NC he called and screamed at her.

 

What did SHE say to him during these two convos? Nothing at all? Are you kidding me? The OP is a woman who apparently does whatever she feels like with no apologies. Do you actually think she said nothing at all during these two conversations? I'm more than sure she "gave" at least as good as she "got."

 

You are SO out of line!

 

What are you talking about? I'm a calm person and trust me I "gave" nothing back because he was so verbally abusive that I couldn't even get a word in and when he did allow me to talk (which I did without raising my voice) he screamed again.

[TheMENemy]

OMG, I get the jealousy

 

If you "get" what jealousy is, and how it can make people feel, then you should be aware that angry feelings often associate with jealous ones.

 

 

BUT these guy friends have been around a lot longer than this new relationship and a couple of them are gay.

 

I didn't see mention of that before. Surely the married guy that you double dated with is not gay?

 

Are any of these guys obviously gay or are they closeted? Maybe your bf's gaydar isn't working properly.

 

 

 

 

TheMENemy, you are WAY off base here....who said I was going on dates?? WTH!!

 

I thought you said you were going to go out to dinner with a male friend one-on-one.

 

That's a "date." Sorry if I lack reading comprehension but I seem to recall reading that your bf went off on you because you got asked out to dinner by a male friend.

 

Now, if said male friend is totally and obviously gay (not closeted, not "bi", not someone you ever had any kind of physical or emotional relationship with, and purely platonic for ever and always), then yes your bf certainly overreacted.

 

Question, after five months, why wouldn't your bf know that these close male friends of yours are actually gay and represent no "threat" to him, relationship-wise?

 

 

 

I have always been extremely affectionate with my bf, he knew that I loved him and he always told me that he appreciated my PDA's.

 

I'm not seeing the connection between that and his jealousy. As a matter of fact although you're doing some backpedaling here, in an earlier post, you stated you knew that your bf would get jealous. Now you seem to be saying he had absolutely no reason to get jealous.

 

 

 

Aside from the jealousy, the intense anger was way out of line and I cannot tolerate the name calling and condemnation!

 

OK what you seem to be saying is that after 5 months you've seen a side of him that you never knew existed.

 

What I'm not getting though is why you think expression of anger by yelling, name calling, condemnation etc. is something that is generally remarkable. It's not, not really.

 

I'm not trying to make excuses for the guy (actually I guess I am, aren't I?) but didn't you know that people get angry, yell, cuss, etc when they feel threatened by something?

 

Sexual jealousy and fear of infidelity, which is what we are discussing here, is one of those things in life that is guaranteed to stimulate the strongest level of emotions in people. That doesn't mean you're required to tolerate your bf's response, but you should at least try to understand what happened, and why, as this understanding will benefit you either in the current relationship or in the future if you decide to dump this bf.

 

Your bf is a victim of past infidelity so this is the kind of thing that he is likely to be very sensitive about. But what you need to understand is that there's plenty of cheating going around and the world is full of "survivors" dealing with the aftermath of relationships which failed because they were cheated on.

 

Try and look at it from your bf's perspective, at least try for a second. He was cheated on, he trusted his former gf, and was totally burned for being trusting. Therefore he has learned it is safer to err on the side of suspicion. Then he gets into the RL with you, from his perspective, your male friendships are "pushing his boundaries." But he really likes you, so rather than call the friendships an immediate deal breaker, (and even though you said you knew he would get jealous), he allows it to go on in the context of the RL with you. Now at this point he's looking for some "sign" that he can be comfortable with you having these friendships but also be confident that you will maintain appropriate boundaries to protect your relationship with him.

 

Apparently--again looking at it from his perspective--that didn't happen, which is the significance of the dinner where another man was making "puppy dog eyes" at you. It's not so much that YOU were doing anything "wrong," it's that from your bf's perspective, you were not even cognizant that the OM might have more than a platonic interest in you.

 

I'm sure your bf wanted to AT LEAST hear from you agreement that you recognized the OM had more than a friendly interest in you, or certainly that such a potential might exist. That's because it's easy to make "mistakes" if we don't look far ahead down the road to what might happen. But, your bf can't rely on you to maintain boundaries when you don't even recognize the need for them. Again, that's speculating based on what his perspective might be.

 

If the OM was making puppy dog eyes at you then no, it's not a good idea for you to be spending any time at all with him, even if his wife is there too.

 

So I'm sure your bf was not "just" jealous; he must have been frustrated at what was from his perspective, your failure to give sufficient credence to his feelings about all of this.

 

Again this is not to say you have to accept your bf's behavior. But evidently he is not some kind of totally horrible monster or you wouldn't have been dating him for five months.

 

 

 

 

In the past 5 months, this is the second time that I have witnessed his rage and the first time I told him that he does not fight fair. He begged me to forgive his outburst and I did and now here I am in the same situation.

 

Like I said: If he was such a horrible guy, PLUS having periodic outbursts, you wouldn't be dating him, would you? He must have a lot going for him otherwise. That doesn't mean you have to stay in the relationship, but you're dealing with a whole person.

 

 

 

 

If some guy is not confident enough to accept that I have guy friends well then I'm not interested in someone who needs their ego stroked 24/7.

 

...and this kind of dismissive, disdainful, straw man type comment is probably reflective of an attitude on your part, which may be a signficant part of why he got so angry at you, depending upon your side of the communication. You're totally discounting the legitimacy of his concerns and you're also equating his legitimate concerns, or perhaps excessive concerns due to his emotional baggage, as the same thing as a need for 24/7 ego stroking.

[TheMENemy]

You are SO out of line!

 

How so? If there is further information that clarifies your situation you are free to post it. In the meantime you did not really previously explain your side of these conversations with your bf.

 

Even if I am incorrect it doesn't make me SO "out of line." It just makes me incorrect.

 

 

 

What are you talking about? I'm a calm person and trust me I "gave" nothing back because he was so verbally abusive that I couldn't even get a word in and when he did allow me to talk (which I did without raising my voice) he screamed again.

 

You again left out what you actually said to him. What we do know, now, is that this is the second such argument you had with him. After the first one, according to you, he was begging your forgiveness. That clearly confirms my expectation/suspicion, previously expressed, that you have no trouble holding your own with your bf.

 

I suspect that your bf may actually be suffering from excessive "nice guy" syndrome. The repressed anger which intermittently explodes out is something that sometimes goes with the "nice guy" demeanor.

 

If what you are saying is that you would prefer being in a RL with a completely stable and well adjusted, yet desirable, man, what you may find in future relationships, is that such men won't get angry at you if they believe you're getting too chummy with other men; they simply will not be willing to have a particularly involved relationship with you. You can have your male friends, they will have their female friends. Or, they may decide a relationship with you is simply not worth the effort in the first place.

 

I don't know just how much serious relationship experience you've had, but when relationships between two people get very serious, there generally isn't very much available time at all to be spending with third parties of the opposite sex one on one, regardless of motivation.

 

You are pretty much going to run into a similar problem in one form or another with any guy who wants to get really serious with you, after several months into a relationship. Not necessarily the way the anger is expressed, but rather, the resistance to this notion that you and many others have that lots of opposite sex friends are cool within the context of being in a committed/exclusive serious relationship. He is going to want to start spending all available free time with you and is going to want you to reciprocate. On the other hand if you are both comfortable maintaining a more or less casual, none too serious relationship, then I guess you can continue dating a guy at a certain mediocre level of mutual commitment.

[denise_xo]

 

We're not hearing all the gaslighting and crazy-making and belittling by OP of her ex bf for his concerns that undoubtedly went on during this conversation, as she attempted to disregard his legitimate concerns about her fidelity, until he finally blew up in frustration.

 

 

How the **** do you know? Are you psychic??

[denise_xo]

 

If some guy is not confident enough to accept that I have guy friends well then I'm not interested in someone who needs their ego stroked 24/7.

 

Agreed. My H has several female friends that he meets up with without me, e.g. for a drink or dinner. People are different, but for me that basic level of trust has to be there in a relationship.

[TheMENemy]

Agreed. My H has several female friends that he meets up with without me, e.g. for a drink or dinner. People are different, but for me that basic level of trust has to be there in a relationship.

 

Unless there is some sort of reasonably obvious professional or business reason for these meetings to occur, then I will apply exactly the same standard to your H that I applied in OP's case:

 

These are dates.

 

 

A "date" being defined as when a man and a woman meet one on one and engage in a social activity, particularly where consumption of food and alcoholic beverages is involved, particularly where this activity occurs in a pub, restaurant, or other location, place and circumstances which are frequently known to facilitate breaching of legitimate relationship boundaries.