countryapple Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 I am writing here because I need some marriage advice. The advice I get from friends is biased and I don't want my family to know we are having problems. I have been married for 2 1/2 years to a man from another country. We were separated for our first year of marriage while he went through immigration. So we have only lived together for a year and a half. We are also different races and religions. All these differences have created different expectations and problems in the marriage. Up until about 6 months ago we have tried to deal with these differences and have had some success. About 6 months ago my husband started going to school full time and working part time. We live about 1 hour from his work and school so his entire day is busy. He also works and goes to school 7 days a week. During this time I could feel him become more distant. We stopped going anywhere together, even the weekly trips to the grocery store stopped. I asked him to take me places to spend time together but he never did just saying he didn't feel like going. I always thought he is working hard and I need to be patient. Then he began having a lot of friends in school and work, both male and female. He started receiving a lot of texts and calls from one female in particular. It got to the point where anytime we were together he would take calls or texts. I told him it bothered me that he had more communication with his friends then me. Eventually he started going out more and more with his friends and I never cared that he went out with friends. I only wanted to meet his friends and for more time to be spent with me. When I told him this it only created arguments. As I felt him slip away I tried to hold onto him closer. I am not perfect and I see it was a mistake but I love my husband and was devastated. The only affect it had was to push him away. About a month ago I went on a one week trip to help my parents with their family business. On the way my car broke down and I was stranded there with no way home. During the week my husband didn't seem concerned that I was stranded and didn't have much contact with me. Again it bothered me but I figured he was busy. My parents rented me a car so I could get home. He never even suggested coming to get me. But at the same time would send me voicemails saying he loved me and needed me at home. He said he loved me but his actions said no and I was confused. When I got home we had a couple of very big fights and he left the house. He told me he didn't love me and wasn't happy with me and left. I have no idea where he was staying. I only know 1 of his friends because he refuses to let me met them. He says I shouldn't care about his friends because he doesn't care about mine. For the past month, he comes home about 2 or 3 times a week. Sometimes he lets me know he isn't coming home and sometimes he doesn't. On one occasion he told me he loved me and wanted to have a baby and later he says he doesn't love me again and won't have kids with me. He says he is trying to save the marriage but doesn't have feelings for me. I don't understand how you can save a marriage if you don't come home or let your wife know where you are. I am completely devastated. I can't eat, sleep, or function normally. I don't pretend to be a perfect wife. I know that I have been jealous and controlling, but I love him and want to make a change and save our marriage. I am beginning counciling next week because I want to make a change and because I can't handle all the emotions I am having. Everyone tells me that I should just leave him. The problem is that because he is from another country he has no family here. He doesn't make enough money to support himself and I am very worried that closing my door to him would mean that he is sleeping in his car. I also want to say my husband is a good man and I don't believe he is cheating. I think the fights wore him down. I know he is frustrated and afraid for the future. I think his feelings could come back if we could reopen communication and solve some of our issues. But I am not sure how to do this after so much pain has been caused by both of us. He says he wants time but every day without him is pure agony for me. When I do see him he is cold towards me and won't kiss or tell me he loves me. My emotions are really difficult to control. One minute I am angry at him for leaving me and the next I am blaming myself for everything. I have tried kicking him, but have have been so worried about him that I never follow through. I have begged him to stay and I have tried giving him time and space. I usually can only go a few days until I am asking him to come home. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
PegNosePete Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 It seems to me, that he is using you to get into the country. He doesn't really want to be married to you but he is saying and doing what he regards as the minimum possible to stay married.
Author countryapple Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 I do not believe he is using me for a visa. He left me just 3 months before we apply for his 10 year visa. He has to be either with me as a valid couple or divorced to get the 10 year visa. He knows this and is talking about returning to his country because he knows he will be kicked out. If he was using he wouldnt have said anything until after the visa.
2.50 a gallon Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 He is cheating. If nothing else it is an emotional affair, which is a form of cheating. He is giving her his attention instead of his wife. Do not make a baby with this man. I'm guessing your friends are saying to give him the boot. I vote with them until he totally changes, comes home every night, and begins sharing his life and spending time with you. Your friends are not bias they are you friends and wish the best for you
Author countryapple Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 (edited) 2.50 a gallon- I was very jealous because of this. I told him it was normal for a married man to be getting all those calls from another woman. He told me that the girl wanted to date him and tried to kiss him but he refused her. He was still receiving texts from her and I told him I was not comfortable with this. He did stop. I have no idea if he has cheated on me. He says no but I don't know. I don't even know where he is staying. I have no intentions of having a baby now. Yes all of my friends tell me to kick him out. Edited November 9, 2010 by countryapple
Tiberius Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 It seems to me, that he is using you to get into the country. He doesn't really want to be married to you but he is saying and doing what he regards as the minimum possible to stay married. I am suspecting this too. He sounds like somebody caged with somone he does not want to be around with. I am sure its due to the fact, that he is just looking for a ticket into the country and not because of you.
SarahRose Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Sweetie, he just used you to get into the country. Notice the problems happened at the 2 year mark. How long did you know this guy in person before you married him? Who paid for him to immigrate over since he is broke? Who is paying for his schooling?
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