jwi71 Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Hi all, I've struggled a bit last couple of days with this whole thing. I wish he hadn't made contact again and I would have moved on so much faster. Block him. Emails, phone, IM...all of it. PREVENT HIS contacting you. You see, NC, is NO CONTACT...not just contact you initiate. So...prevent it. Block him. Every contact does exactly this - hurt. Look at it this way...its going to hurt no matter what. But it hurts MORE to have the contact which, to some degree, sets you back. Causing you to re-suffer the hurt AGAIN. Just hurt once ok? I PROMISE you ONE thing. The hurt does END. Mine did. I'll tell you, in a sentence, I lost EVERYTHING. But it doesn't HURT anymore. In fact, I am happier than ever - ever in my life. Took two odd years but...I got there. You will too. I've been thinking about whether or not to end it FOR GOOD and tell him there is no more chance, that he's blown it and good luck and good bye. Reason being I can't seem to switch off, and I am starting to wonder if I can even trust him, and what he tells me. I don't doubt his feelings for me, but that's not enough. I don't want to wait and see if he gets a D or not. I want to be done and I don't want to be done. Help me! I understand wanting the pain to end. The doubt. The second guessing. So, I'll offer you this. Every Friday, surf to the county clerk's office. Divorce cases are public record. Look for it. If its not there, you have your answer. And if it is...I'll eat my shorts. I know it's only been a few days so I shouldn't expect miracles... and I need more time. Please give me your opinion. It takes TIME. There is NOTHING to do but cry now. No magic pill. No easy way out. No platitude or wisdom to help you. Its a sad, painful journey EVERY HUMAN makes. I've made it more than once. Sucked every time. And I lived. I learned. I loved again. Just keep looking for that silver lining. It's there.
Author siuys Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 Thanks JWI, very helpful post. Especially about the NOTHING you can do now, no magic pill etc... LOL I guess the only magic pill I can think of is ending it with him for good. But i know I'm not there yet. You cannot file for a D here until you've separated for 12 months. And you know what? I don't want to know. It will take FOREVER for him to sort himself out and file for a D so my only focus is on me getting over it... Thanks everyone.
Silly_Girl Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Look, you could tell him Monday, and Tuesday, and Wednesday and.. .any day. From now to kingdom come. You can tell him not to contact you. It means nothing. He could contact you tomorrow. Or in 20 years time. So focus on you. If it's over, there is only one person who matters, and that's you. You know it's over. You're doing your thang. You aren't interested. You're the centre of your world. Enjoy it. Do yourself proud
whichwayisup Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Your first email to him is soooo good, it should be pinned to the top of this forum! Two thumbs up. Maybe everyone should put that email in as their signature! S, don't make ANY decisions about the future right now. Deal with what's infront of you now..Today, tomorrow, next week.. Each day as it comes. Worry about when/if he divorces later, it ain't gonna happen anytime soon and since you don't trust him, why even think ahead of a future with him, let him know only if he divorces you might date him. IF he divorces, what you do shouldn't matter to him either way, right? In the meantime, block him, make it harder for him to contact you.
Author siuys Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 Thanks, whichwayisup. Yes, I am dealing with it day by day. I was so distressed earlier today I think I got an anxiety attack. Then I realised again that I MUST write him off in my head, and not think to make contact to tell him so. It's totally, utterly pointless. I don't even bloody care if he gets a D or not now (as you can tell I am feeling ok at present - but I know that changes from day to day, hour to hour!). I also realised that I've been really good and patient with him over the last 9 months, and he's been giving me crumbs! I cannot believe that I have allowed myself to succumb TOTALLY to my emotions. That just sux. Anyway, thank you all for your support. I really appreciate it. You have no idea how your encouraging words have helped. Big hugs to all.
Author siuys Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 I woke up angry today. i even dreamt about ending it with xMM as in REALLY ending it. I am angry at myself for even replying to him. I am angry at myself for leaving the door even just a little bit open. I am pissed off at the entire situation, and at myself for prolonging the pain. I wish I had said 'piss off you have blown it.". i did consider it, I guess I just wasn't there yet... I feel like telling him that I NEVER EVER want to hear from him, or be with him but I don't want to open the channel of communication and give him the satisfaction of closure. In a sick kinda of way I want him to still think I love him and be there for him. I so want him to come back after he's sorted himself (as he put it) and then I'll tell him to his face that it's too little, too late. How do you deal with your anger?
blinded_27 Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Better anger than sadness!!! Throw on a Beyonce CD and feel empowered. lol! You're doing great so far, keep it up
myname Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I woke up angry today. i even dreamt about ending it with xMM as in REALLY ending it. I am angry at myself for even replying to him. I am angry at myself for leaving the door even just a little bit open. I am pissed off at the entire situation, and at myself for prolonging the pain. I wish I had said 'piss off you have blown it.". i did consider it, I guess I just wasn't there yet... I feel like telling him that I NEVER EVER want to hear from him, or be with him but I don't want to open the channel of communication and give him the satisfaction of closure. In a sick kinda of way I want him to still think I love him and be there for him. I so want him to come back after he's sorted himself (as he put it) and then I'll tell him to his face that it's too little, too late. How do you deal with your anger? I let the anger wash over me, like the sadness, the loss, the longing. I just allow it to be, sometimes I punch cushions, sometimes I cry, sometimes I play loud music and sing along, sometimes I go for long fast walks. All I know is that no matter what I feel, and oh do I feel like sending him messages sometimes to say 'why did you do all this?' 'don't ever dream of contacting me again' etc as long as I don't act on those feelings then I can't get caught up in it again. I have to remember that the relief and comfort I'm searching for in those times will not be what I get if I do contact him.
Woman In Blue Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 He wrote that he wants to see me in the future, and hopes I will still be available. He then sent another sms, saying that i will hear from him when he's sorted himself out, that if and when i want to speak to him, that he looks forward to that. Thank you all again you have been a great support. I am sure we will 'speak' again soon. Honestly, look at how pathetic this 'relationship' is that it's entirely conducted via email and text because your MM can't leave the house and come over and talk to you face to face like grownups do. That should be your FIRST clue how lame this whole thing is. Here's to hoping you meet a REAL man one day soon, who doesn't have to sneak emails and texts to you while his wife is cooking dinner or giving the kids a bath. Blech.
Fight4Me Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Better anger than sadness!!! Throw on a Beyonce CD and feel empowered. lol! You're doing great so far, keep it up Or Alanis Morissette! Whenever I was going through my painful/rage stage, I found cranking up her music was the best therapy. Especially the songs "You Aught to Know!" and "You're Uninvited."
oxfordsocks Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 The anger is the right stage of progression--I wish that I was there---I am happy that you are at that stage. Its apparently normal to go in and out of the stages --sometimes 2 steps forward one step back--but going through all the stages of grief or loss will ensure a full recovery. Of course it sounds easy for me to say this to you I am going to try and apply it but like quick sand the more i try to forget the more i get pulled down.
myname Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I'm in the anger stage now, it's horrible. Actually maybe it's the feeling hard done by stage, which is even worse because I also know I have no right to feel this way having brought it all on myself by allowing myself to get involved with a MM.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I wish I had said 'piss off you have blown it.". i did consider it, I guess I just wasn't there yet... How do you deal with your anger? I personally think that is what your email should have said. The best way to handle these kind of people is to make a decision and own it. No flowery words or how much you love them or ANY EXPLANATION at all. If an AP has any type of emotional connection with their MP at all, the MP already knows how their AP feels. It takes the ball out of their court and puts it firmly in yours. A position of strength instead of weakness. Don't engage with your MP. No more emails. This is your line in the sand. As for the anger, use it. Focus it on you. No thinking about how dumb the MP is or how you deserve better, no pining. Just move on. GEL
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