siuys Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 xMM ended the R with me 4 days ago only to sms me last night saying he is still deeply in love with me and has not given up. His email said he has made a decision to give his M a go... wtf? So here is what I wrote back. Let me know what you guys think. "your email was clear to me. you had made a choice. i don't know what else there is 'to get'. whatever we had, you have basically killed it. it's not dead dead, but it's in a coma. i have had to deal with a lot of pain due to your swaying, your inconsistencies, ambiguity, indecisiveness and at the end of the day, you are married, messed up and emotionally unavailable. you really f*cked with my head. you say you love me, but your actions are not in line with what you tell me. actions speak louder than words. truth is, i know what love feels like. i am very close to my limit, if not already there. i am no longer willing to subject myself to more pain. you know how i feel about you but if for a minute you think i am happy to be the fallback girl, you are grossly mistaken. let's cut the bull****. what the hell are you doing? the only way i would consider resuscitating this 'relationship' is when you are 100% clear, 100% emotionally available and you have filed for divorce. nothing less. because anything less is not good enough. anything less means you are not serious and you are not done with your marriage. if you ever get to that point, look me up and see if i'm still available. but for now, it's best we left each other alone."
steelknife Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 neat stuff!! i am impress. make sure you are true to your word. mean it. hope it gets easy for you from here on...
Silly_Girl Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 He's bloody lucky you replied. He didn't deserve a response. Keep yourself strong!
YellowShark Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 xMM ended the R with me 4 days ago only to sms me last night saying he is still deeply in love with me and has not given up. His email said he has made a decision to give his M a go... wtf? Translation "Please be my backup plan so I can still have extramarital sex... I mean I deeply love you.. and by the way I'm gonna give my marriage a go... I mean I've not given up on us. TTYL! xoxox xMM." End translation. (p.s. Great actual reply to him siuys!)
spice4life Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 Wow! Great stuff! Keep up the good work and stick to your guns. I love how you made it very clear how he has hurt you and it's not all about him. Good for you!
whichwayisup Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 I hope that many OW who are near, close to ending it can read this and find the strength in themselves to stand up to their MM, take control and mean exactly what they say! Awesome!! **BEST REPLY EVER*** "your email was clear to me. you had made a choice. i don't know what else there is 'to get'. whatever we had, you have basically killed it. it's not dead dead, but it's in a coma. i have had to deal with a lot of pain due to your swaying, your inconsistencies, ambiguity, indecisiveness and at the end of the day, you are married, messed up and emotionally unavailable. you really f*cked with my head. you say you love me, but your actions are not in line with what you tell me. actions speak louder than words. truth is, i know what love feels like. i am very close to my limit, if not already there. i am no longer willing to subject myself to more pain. you know how i feel about you but if for a minute you think i am happy to be the fallback girl, you are grossly mistaken. let's cut the bull****. what the hell are you doing? the only way i would consider resuscitating this 'relationship' is when you are 100% clear, 100% emotionally available and you have filed for divorce. nothing less. because anything less is not good enough. anything less means you are not serious and you are not done with your marriage. if you ever get to that point, look me up and see if i'm still available. but for now, it's best we left each other alone."
Author siuys Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 You know guys, the more I think about my situation, the more angry I am getting. xMM thinks he can just waltz in and out of my life and decide when he wants to be with me and when not... flipping an flopping till the cows come home. I am suddenly pissed off... and I've written this email below (but have not sent it). Please let me know what you think... "i re-read your email to me from thursday. and then i thought about what you wrote today. you know, i honestly don't know how you can possibly 'work on your marriage'. one minute you want to work on your marriage, the next you want to be with me. i am beginning to think you are full of it, and you are stuffing me around because i've allowed you to. yes, you are messed up bla bla bla am so sick of hearing it and thinking about YOU and YOUR perspective. everything was about you. i'm so close to done with this thing and you better believe it. if you contact me again, i suggest you have something new to say, or something new to show me. because i am no longer putting up with BS, and until and unless you file for divorce, there is not a chance that this will continue. you are making it very hard for me to trust you."
Silly_Girl Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Don't send anything else!!! You've made your position v clear. He'll read further contact as a sign you can't stop thinking about him and are prolonging contact. Keep writing if it helps, but just don't send them!!
KarmasTestDummy Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 You know guys, the more I think about my situation, the more angry I am getting. xMM thinks he can just waltz in and out of my life and decide when he wants to be with me and when not... flipping an flopping till the cows come home. I am suddenly pissed off... and I've written this email below (but have not sent it). Please let me know what you think... "i re-read your email to me from thursday. and then i thought about what you wrote today. you know, i honestly don't know how you can possibly 'work on your marriage'. one minute you want to work on your marriage, the next you want to be with me. i am beginning to think you are full of it, and you are stuffing me around because i've allowed you to. yes, you are messed up bla bla bla am so sick of hearing it and thinking about YOU and YOUR perspective. everything was about you. i'm so close to done with this thing and you better believe it. if you contact me again, i suggest you have something new to say, or something new to show me. because i am no longer putting up with BS, and until and unless you file for divorce, there is not a chance that this will continue. you are making it very hard for me to trust you." Preferred the first. This one sounds vulnerable.
OpenBook Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 I think it's FABULOUS siuys!!! (the first email) Don't send the second one to him though. It was more for you: you are stuffing me around because i've allowed you to. Bingo! And he will continue to try. That's your next test - will you stand behind every word of the awe-inspiring anthem you wrote in the first email to him? Because he will probably test it. I'm so glad you are FINALLY standing up for yourself! :bunny:
MorningCoffee Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Don't send anything else!!! You've made your position v clear. He'll read further contact as a sign you can't stop thinking about him and are prolonging contact. Keep writing if it helps, but just don't send them!! Agree. The message was clear and strong. The second one more vulnerable-sounding. Journal all the messages you want and need to, but don't send them. That'll get it all down there for you, without muddying the boundary message already communicated.
Fight4Me Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 xMM ended the R with me 4 days ago only to sms me last night saying he is still deeply in love with me and has not given up. His email said he has made a decision to give his M a go... wtf? So here is what I wrote back. Let me know what you guys think. "your email was clear to me. you had made a choice. i don't know what else there is 'to get'. whatever we had, you have basically killed it. it's not dead dead, but it's in a coma. i have had to deal with a lot of pain due to your swaying, your inconsistencies, ambiguity, indecisiveness and at the end of the day, you are married, messed up and emotionally unavailable. you really f*cked with my head. you say you love me, but your actions are not in line with what you tell me. actions speak louder than words. truth is, i know what love feels like. i am very close to my limit, if not already there. i am no longer willing to subject myself to more pain. you know how i feel about you but if for a minute you think i am happy to be the fallback girl, you are grossly mistaken. let's cut the bull****. what the hell are you doing? the only way i would consider resuscitating this 'relationship' is when you are 100% clear, 100% emotionally available and you have filed for divorce. nothing less. because anything less is not good enough. anything less means you are not serious and you are not done with your marriage. if you ever get to that point, look me up and see if i'm still available. but for now, it's best we left each other alone." Holy Carpe Diem!! You should have this chiseled in granite, dipped in gold, encased in glass, and displayed prominently for all to see for centuries to come! This is one of the best no-nonsense responses to an ex-MOM I have ever read. Oh, and I agree with everyone else on the second response and not sending it. It takes the wind out of the sails of the first brilliant one, although journaling your righteous anger is very therapeutic. Just don't store them in your phone or email where you might accidentally send them. LOL!
Star_Bright Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 I agree that the second one is best left as a letter to yourself. Re-read it every time you feel weak or down, and be empowered. But don't waste any more of your time or energy talking to exMM. If he wants you, he will do what it takes to have you in this life *the right way.* If not, he is *not* worth any more of your time! Stay strong girl. xoxo
halemeno Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 I am so very proud of you for sending that first glooorious message. Powerful, clear, and hopefully helpful for you. You've certainly showed him that you're tired of being treated this way, and I'm behind you 100%. You deserve so much better, and I hope that he's got his tail tucked between his legs feeling ashamed after hearing it/realizing you're right. I have to agree with everyone else, don't send anything else -- stay strong in your resolve, but feel free to write anything you want to say to him to us. I started journaling for the first time in my life after getting involved with my MM, and it works wonders for me (because I'm prone to telling him how I feel and getting no response). Good luck! I know you can get through this terrible waiting period.
Author siuys Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 THANK YOU all!!! I am so glad I didn't send the second email. I was emotional and angry compared to when I wrote the first one which was calm and at peace. I don't know what he will or will not do in the future. He did reply, saying he agrees with everything I said, and apologised for the pain caused. He said he is messed up but digging himself out. He wrote that he wants to see me in the future, and hopes I will still be available. He then sent another sms, saying that i will hear from him when he's sorted himself out, that if and when i want to speak to him, that he looks forward to that. Truth is, i've heard all this before. how wonderful i am bla bla bla. I find myself not being able to take him seriously anymore until or unless he does something like file for divorce. i meant every word i said in my email. What i am trying to do now is to be at peace with the whole thing, and let it be. and not think about if he will or will not get divorced or come back to me. i want to move forward with my life, and the only way to do it is to let it go. if he comes back, good (only if he comes back good if you know what i mean), if not, it's ok too.... Thank you all again you have been a great support. I am sure we will 'speak' again soon.
Ellin Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Hi Siuys, this man looks really unstable and it seems that as long as both you and his W keep the door open for him he'll be going back and forth unable to make a clear choice. The only way you can stop it is remove yourself from the picture, as you already know. Then he'll have to make a proper decision. It needs much strength from you, not to contact him and not to engage in any communication attempts from him, unless he has met your requirements. It's hard to be in this situation, because if some part of you still hopes he will be back the way you want him to be, it may make it difficult for you to move on, but one step at a time you'll be ok in the end, one way or another. Hugs.
Author siuys Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 Thanks, Ellin. You are absolutely spot on. He is unstable, and much more so than I originally anticipated. His instability started in earnest in August and I guess 3 months isn't all that long for someone to freak out about a marriage that is falling apart, including all hopes and dreams. You are absolutely correct that I now need strength more than ever before. It was easier when he ended it and it was over. I won't contact him or engage in any communication. I did not reply to his reply or sms yesterday either. If history is any indication, I need to write him off so that I can move on. And if he comes back good, then great, if not, I will have already moved on. I think that is the only way for me. Thanks so much.
Silly_Girl Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 You'll be 'right, chuck. You're doing all the right things. You need a good, strong path forward for you, whilst assuming he'll never ever surface again. There's a sign pointing to Happiness. Get on it!
jwi71 Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 xMM ended the R with me 4 days ago only to sms me last night saying he is still deeply in love with me and has not given up. His email said he has made a decision to give his M a go... wtf? So here is what I wrote back. Let me know what you guys think. "your email was clear to me. you had made a choice. i don't know what else there is 'to get'. whatever we had, you have basically killed it. it's not dead dead, but it's in a coma. i have had to deal with a lot of pain due to your swaying, your inconsistencies, ambiguity, indecisiveness and at the end of the day, you are married, messed up and emotionally unavailable. you really f*cked with my head. you say you love me, but your actions are not in line with what you tell me. actions speak louder than words. truth is, i know what love feels like. i am very close to my limit, if not already there. i am no longer willing to subject myself to more pain. you know how i feel about you but if for a minute you think i am happy to be the fallback girl, you are grossly mistaken. let's cut the bull****. what the hell are you doing? the only way i would consider resuscitating this 'relationship' is when you are 100% clear, 100% emotionally available and you have filed for divorce. nothing less. because anything less is not good enough. anything less means you are not serious and you are not done with your marriage. if you ever get to that point, look me up and see if i'm still available. but for now, it's best we left each other alone." Made. My. Day. You have more balls than most MM. Big brass ones at that. Now, the hard part - healing. I wish I had some clever phrase or ancient wisdom to offer. Or that I could write as eloquently as some of the others (I can't - think bull in china shop). So...I'll leave you with this: "**** him". (uh, not literally ok?) That's about all the wisdom I can muster. Cry your tears. Learn your lesson. And one day, that silver lining everyone keeps talking about will be SO obvious to you. You'll get there. I did and believe me I NEVER thought my sitch had anything even REMOTELY close to a silver lining (turns out it did).
jthorne Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Made. My. Day. You have more balls than most MM. Big brass ones at that. Now, the hard part - healing. I wish I had some clever phrase or ancient wisdom to offer. Or that I could write as eloquently as some of the others (I can't - think bull in china shop). So...I'll leave you with this: "**** him". (uh, not literally ok?) That's about all the wisdom I can muster. Cry your tears. Learn your lesson. And one day, that silver lining everyone keeps talking about will be SO obvious to you. You'll get there. I did and believe me I NEVER thought my sitch had anything even REMOTELY close to a silver lining (turns out it did).Totally agree. (Good to see you btw, jwi ) One thing I want to say about him returning is one thing I said to someone else- I think that unless he is willing to do some serious work on himself, coming to you again "good" just isn't enough; he's bringing the same baggage to your R that he had with his previous one. Just because he left one R doesn't mean that everything is magically better. Don't worry yourself with that. You worry about you and living your best life.
whichwayisup Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Oh the first email nailed it! SO powerful and strong! I am glad you didn't send that other one!
Fieldsofgold Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Your first email to him is soooo good, it should be pinned to the top of this forum!
Author siuys Posted November 9, 2010 Author Posted November 9, 2010 Hi all, I've struggled a bit last couple of days with this whole thing. I wish he hadn't made contact again and I would have moved on so much faster. I've been thinking about whether or not to end it FOR GOOD and tell him there is no more chance, that he's blown it and good luck and good bye. Reason being I can't seem to switch off, and I am starting to wonder if I can even trust him, and what he tells me. I don't doubt his feelings for me, but that's not enough. I don't want to wait and see if he gets a D or not. I want to be done and I don't want to be done. Help me! I know it's only been a few days so I shouldn't expect miracles... and I need more time. Please give me your opinion.
Star_Bright Posted November 9, 2010 Posted November 9, 2010 Hi all, I've struggled a bit last couple of days with this whole thing. I wish he hadn't made contact again and I would have moved on so much faster. I've been thinking about whether or not to end it FOR GOOD and tell him there is no more chance, that he's blown it and good luck and good bye. Reason being I can't seem to switch off, and I am starting to wonder if I can even trust him, and what he tells me. I don't doubt his feelings for me, but that's not enough. I don't want to wait and see if he gets a D or not. I want to be done and I don't want to be done. Help me! I know it's only been a few days so I shouldn't expect miracles... and I need more time. Please give me your opinion. I've struggled with this too and I'm pretty much sure I'm done for good with xMM, even though he says he's still separated and still loves me. You know what? He lied to me. He lied to his wife of many years. As someone else recently pointed out in your thread, he has baggage that I honestly think it will take him being *alone* to work out, which is something he is admittedly afraid of doing, so that will never happen. I don't want to unnecessarily hurt him (or show him I'm still interested at all in him) by telling him. And silence sends the loudest message. So I'm just going to ignore him. I'm not going to talk to him any more, period, because I deserve better than he gave me and that which he is able to give me even if he *does* get divorced (which I don't believe he will, but I've had to work out the 'what if he does get divorced' question in order to be truly done with him.) So, I don't know what to tell you except that for me, personally, I know I'm worth more, and I don't want a guy who cheated on his wife with me, and strung me along and lied to me. I could never truly trust him and I would have too much resentment. So I'm done with him for good but I don't think that necessitates any final "conversation." I'm sure that when I told him "goodbye until/unless you get divorced" he interpreted that as knowing that I could be gone for good unless he moved super, duper fast and he didn't, and I didn't wait for him, and I'm proud of myself. I can no longer think about him, I need to worry about myself. And you do too! So I suggest you take the same course... if you want to be done with him, be done with him, and, if he's anything like "my" xMM (with apologies to Fooled Once who has wisely pointed out that I shouldn't refer to him as "my" xMM... but here it is to distinguish him from "your" xMM!), he won't get divorced without you there to hold his hand and do a lot of the dirty work for him anyway! And even if he does, he waited too long, you are gone, because you are a good catch for someone else!
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