Shanny555 Posted March 6, 2004 Posted March 6, 2004 Okay. I have been searching the web for two weeks, and thank goodness I found this site. I am a little nervous about the responses I am going to get because of course I want everybody to tell me my ex will come back to me, and I think you will all tell me it was doomed from the beginning. I met my ex through my neighbor. She works with him. We met face to face Sept. 12th of last year. Spoke on the phone for a week or so before we met. We lived an hour and a half apart. The second he pulled into my driveway I fell in love with him. He was married, but seperated. He has a 4 year old son. He has no friends, except his ex-wife's brother and her cousin. He is from North Carolina and he only talks to his mom, dad, grandma and brother. No friends. I dont' know why he doesnt' have any. SO....we spent EVERY spare second on the phone, I'd drive over to see him every other weekend and he'd visit me every other weekend. We HAD to see each other all the time. So I sold my house, quit my job, and moved over here to be near him. I finally got to meet his son. All of a sudden it seemed like we got into a routine. He always wanted to control everything, and he would put me down. I finally started feeling used. The really great part was the sex. I never really cared for it til I met him. Our big issue was his divorce. She didn't want him back, I know that, but she was so dependent on him that she'd call EVERY day. We'd have a good laugh about her stupidity, and he'd say things like "well, one day you'll be the one having to deal with her". I liked that because I knew he was thinking we'd be together forever. I told him I loved him the first night we met, and he told me about 5 weeks later. Big mistake I guess, but I was only being honest. I am very strong and very independent, 'til I met him. We had our routine where he got to my place before me and would walk and feed my dog, and I'd come home and cook dinner and dessert (I am a wonderful cook), and then we'd shower (always together), and then cuddle and watch TV. Well, I always would tell him that I didnt' want to hear about his wife. He strongly believes that we should share everything, and be committed only to one another, and rely on only each other, and don't ever talk to outsiders about our personal business. Well, I think he liked her calling him. He always said she wanted him back. So in the beginning I just asked him not to say her name on Thursdays. Becuase I am all he had, he always come home and said she called, and what she called about. I was not jealous because I know he hated her, but his reasons for still accepting her calls was because the divorce was not final and he was worried if he ticked her off that he would have to pay a higher than normal child support. She knew about me, by the way. I wanted to meet her, especially since I was around her son. I have never dated anybody with a child. He said after the divorce I could start to go to their son's activities and stuff, and eventually meet. He also told her brother that they needed to put their relationship on hold til the divorce was final. Well, of course the DAY it was final they started talking every morning on their way to work like they used to. That was a Wednesday a couple weeks ago. He dumped me Friday morning. SO here's where the problem lies. I called his wife one night when I had been drinking. He and I had broken up, and I was sitting in his driveway like a pathetic fool. Because he has no friends, I was wondering where the heck he was. I found out later he was out with her cousin. We had only broken up that morning, and he is THE MOST STUBBORN PERSON I KNOW. I just figured I'd go over instead of callilng him and when I got there and saw he wasn't there, I was so upset. Thinking he already found somebody, or was out looking. So stupid me calls his wife. We swap Todd stories, and I violated the trust he had in me by calling her. We got along fine, but we agreed not to tell Todd we spoke. The next morning, in my hungover state, I totally regretted calling her. I called her and told her that, and begged her not to tell anybody. Of course she said she only told her friend in NC, and her BROTHER. Well, the night before he dumped me, I got home at about 7 from work, I was very tired from typing all day, but of course I still cooked dinner. I could tell something was wrong. So all of a sudden he says, "April called today", and my stomach was in knots. I have to hear that sentence every damn day. He said she was calling him to tell him their son had T-ball starting on Saturday. She was telling him because it was his visitation weekend, and he needed to know so he could take him. I asked where it was and of course she didn't know. She is very stupid, plus I think she likes to have an excuse to call him every day. So I said, oh, good, since the divorce is final, I can go with you and watch. And he said no. I said why, and he said I said no and that's all you need to know. So I did not sleep ALL night. I was so mad. So that Friday morning, we were getting ready for work. We had not spoken a word to each other after he told me no. He went peacefully to sleep of course. The next morning I said, are you embarressed of me? He said, no. Why? So I said becuse I think I should be able to go tomorrow morning. Then he chewed me out and left. Came right back and said I was right when I had told him I thought we needed a break. I had said it the weekend before because I could feel something wasn't right. But we didn't do the seperation because he said he wouldn't do it and guarantee he'd be committed to me at the same time. He is not a cheater, or a liar. He should actually lie sometimes, but he doesn't. Well, then he said we need a permanent break, and he proceeded to pack EVERYTHING. Of course I was crying and being pathetic. He then went to lunch with her brother that day, who I'm sure told him I called April. So I didn't call him that night, and the following night he wouldn't answer his phone and I thought something was weird because we were supposed to take his son to Sea World SUnday morning and he ususally just stays mad for a day or two. So I called the wife back. The B**** told me he called her Friday night and asked her if it was true that she and I spoke, and she told him yes. And of course she told him everything I said. So for the last two weeks I have text messaged, called, stopped by his place unannounced, and gone to see if he'd go to lunch with me at his work (where he chewed me out in front of people). I just needed some closure. He said he can't trust me and it's over because I have betrayed him by calling her and he will never be able to trust me again. SInce he has no friends, we don't have any mutual friends or anthing where I would ever run into him or hear how he's doing. I want him back. I called in sick three days last week, and I am a zombie crying all the time. I have bought every book known to man, and I just can't get over him. I have written one LONG letter that I put on his porch last Saturday morning, and I sent a LONG e-mail to his work Thursday night. I did not call him or do anything yesterday and so far today. Do I have ANY shot at getting this man back. I really love him. I really do. But his stubbornness coupled with his feelings of distrust for me might mean he's gone forever. HELP!!!!!!!!
befuddled11 Posted March 6, 2004 Posted March 6, 2004 Originally posted by Shanny555 OkWe met face to face Sept. 12th of last year. Spoke on the phone for a week or so before we met. We lived an hour and a half apart. The second he pulled into my driveway I fell in love with him. Oh puhlease. You don't fall in love with someone that quickly, someone you've never yet met in person or spent REAL TIME WITH. No offense, but you sound very intense and like you don't know much about what love is. You sound like you are very clingy and somewhat needy. He was married, but seperated. Mistake #1. A guy who's "separated" is still offically and legally married. A guy in this state has tons of stuff to deal with, along with a child that he's got to get through this difficult time. You say he didn't have any friends or family, just his ex's family...so the poor guy didn't have any kind of support. You jumped right in. we spent EVERY spare second on the phone, I'd drive over to see him every other weekend and he'd visit me every other weekend. We HAD to see each other all the time. Good grief, that sounds unhealthy and dysfunctional. So I sold my house, quit my job, and moved over here to be near him. Holy crap! You only lived 1.5 hours away...but that wasn't close enough for you? You sold your house, quit your job and moved to be near him? Yikes! If I were him, I'd have ran. Too intense. Too clingy and needy. I finally got to meet his son. All of a sudden it seemed like we got into a routine. He always wanted to control everything, and he would put me down. I finally started feeling used. The really great part was the sex. I never really cared for it til I met him. Our big issue was his divorce. She didn't want him back, I know that, but she was so dependent on him that she'd call EVERY day. We'd have a good laugh about her stupidity, and he'd say things like "well, one day you'll be the one having to deal with her". I liked that because I knew he was thinking we'd be together forever. As his "still wife", she had every right in the world to call him every day. Sounds like you lived in a fantasy world, to some extent..that you hung on his every word. I told him I loved him the first night we met, and he told me about 5 weeks later. HOLY CRAP!! It's really a wonder the guy didn't head for the hills. Sorry to say it, but a stable, balanced woman doesn't profess her "love" for a guy, the first night she meets him, after only talking on the phone with him for a week. Girl, you seriously need some therapy. I am very strong and very independent, 'til I met him. Somehow I don't really believe that, because if you were TRULY independent, you wouldn't have quickly turned into someone who was soooooo dependant. We had our routine where he got to my place before me and would walk and feed my dog, and I'd come home and cook dinner and dessert (I am a wonderful cook), and then we'd shower (always together), and then cuddle and watch TV. Well, I always would tell him that I didnt' want to hear about his wife. He strongly believes that we should share everything, and be committed only to one another, and rely on only each other, and don't ever talk to outsiders about our personal business. Sounds like 2 people trying to instantly make some happy lil' home...way too quickly, way too intense. Yuck. So in the beginning I just asked him not to say her name on Thursdays. On Thursdays? What? You actually mean you asked him to devote one day of the week to not saying her name? If so, that is freakin' bizarre. Becuase I am all he had, he always come home and said she called, and what she called about. Sounds to me like you very much enjoyed the fact that you were "all he had." SO here's where the problem lies. I called his wife one night when I had been drinking. He and I had broken up, and I was sitting in his driveway like a pathetic fool. Um, yep..that's definitely pathetic. Turning to booze, calling up the ex wife and involving her in your drama. Not cool. I'm surprised she didn't just hang up on you. What the hell did you hope to prove or solve by calling up his WIFE? Because he has no friends, I was wondering where the heck he was. There you go again, mentioning the fact that he had nobody. Just out of curiousity, do you have a habit of latching onto men who don't really have many friends, in hopes that you'll be all they need? I found out later he was out with her cousin Oh my God! Were you stalking him? Playing detective? That's pretty screwed up.....figuring out his whereabouts. So stupid me calls his wife. We swap Todd stories, and I violated the trust he had in me by calling her. We got along fine, but we agreed not to tell Todd we spoke. Good grief....why on earth would you want to talk to the guy's wife and swap stories about him? That's bent. And you actually BELIEVED she wasn't going to tell him or anyone that you called him? Hello, McFly? You already wrote that she was known for wanting him back. Yet you trusted her not to tell? HAHA. [quoite]Well, then he said we need a permanent break, and he proceeded to pack EVERYTHING. Of course I was crying and being pathetic. He then went to lunch with her brother that day, who I'm sure told him I called April. So I didn't call him that night, and the following night he wouldn't answer his phone and I thought something was weird because we were supposed to take his son to Sea World SUnday morning and he ususally just stays mad for a day or two. So I called the wife back. The B**** told me he called her Friday night and asked her if it was true that she and I spoke, and she told him yes. And of course she told him everything I said. WELL DUH! Of course she told him everything....that shouldn't be any surprise. In your eyes, you were probably the lil' mistress who was bagging her husband while they were separated, while she did want him back. Why would she have any loyalty to you? So for the last two weeks I have text messaged, called, stopped by his place unannounced, and gone to see if he'd go to lunch with me at his work (where he chewed me out in front of people). Girl, this is called STALKING BEHAVIOR. This is called obsessed. This is called out of control. This is called having no pride or dignity. This is called needing to get a grip. You're lucky he didn't have you removed from his place of work. You don't EVER EVER EVER go to a guy's workplace and want to sort out relationship issues...that's a NO NO. I just needed some closure. No, you need some professional help. SInce he has no friends, we don't have any mutual friends or anthing where I would ever run into him or hear how he's doing. I want him back. Ahh darn, hey? No friends...no way for you to keep tabs on him, is really what you're saying here. I called in sick three days last week, and I am a zombie crying all the time. You seriously need to get a grip, or you're going to lose your job. . I have written one LONG letter that I put on his porch last Saturday morning, and I sent a LONG e-mail to his work Thursday night. For the love of Peter, Paul and Mary, stop contacting him !!!!! He's going to think you're a lunatic, and he could end up calling the cops or having you charged with stalking. Have some dignity. This man isn't the center of the universe. He's not worth losing your mind over, your job, etc. Focus on yourself..and get yourself some counselling, ASAP.
Darkangelism Posted March 6, 2004 Posted March 6, 2004 I agree with befuddled, yeah you are a tad bit obessive, I could see it being different if you had been seeing him for 5 or 10 years.
Author Shanny555 Posted March 6, 2004 Author Posted March 6, 2004 First of all, I am not clingy. We BOTH wanted to see each other and we BOTH drove to see each other, and we BOTH called each other equally. I was just trying to be as honest as possible in my post, and you don't have to be so rude. You obviously are single, and have never been hurt. This man was different to me, WE spoke of a future together. You are belittling a relationship that I had and was happy in. We LIKED each other, that's why we saw each other every spare moment we could. You make it out like I'm a stalker, that is one thing I am not. I am doing what thousands of other individuals have done when they lose someone they love. We discussed me moving here to be closer. I was a joint decision. I didn't make that decision on my own. He wanted me here because we loved each other. No, his wife did not have a right to call him every day just because they were married. She called for no reason. They aren't married anymore, so what's your reason now for why she calls every day? I did not enjoy that I was all he had. That is exactly why I thought we needed a break...so he could find a hobby, or meet people. He doesnt' know anybody, and he likes it that way. I need my friends and I enjoy going out, but he didn't. His wife didn't hang up on me and they only got married because she got pregnant. It wasn't a "real" marriage in either of their eyes, that's why they still got along. No I dont' have a habit on latching on to men who have no friends. And he's the one who told me what he did the night before, so why the hell are you saying I stalked him to find out? And, yes, I knew she'd eventually tell him, but I still regretted my decision and I know I couldn't take it back. She did not want him back, so you need to get that out of your head. You are taking everything I have said and twisted it, and it's unfair. I did not go to his workplace to sort out relationship stuff. He works in a new housing development and he wsa in the trailer alone. I had gone there during our relationship, and nobody knew we had broken up. There were a couple people pulling up to look at the model home when he yelled at me to leave. I only stated that he has no friends and so I would never run into him because I have read other posts on this site where people advise to "accidentally" run into your ex a month or so later to show them how you've changed, and that may be one way of getting them back. This was a mutual relationship, I was not stalking him. I just wanted a little advice, not to be put down.
befuddled11 Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 Originally posted by Shanny555 First of all, I am not clingy. We BOTH wanted to see each other and we BOTH drove to see each other, and we BOTH called each other equally. It's not healthy or normal for a couple to want to spend every waking free minute together. It's also not healthy or normal to up and sell your home, quit your job.....so soon after meeting someone, just so you can be closer to them, when they ONLY live 1.5 hrs away! It's also not normal or healthy to profess your love to someone the first night you meet them, good grief. It's also not normal to fall in love with someone the minute they pull up into your driveway, on the first occasion of meeting them. Love takes time. Love takes really getting to know someone. Love takes knowing someone through the good and bad times. It's getting to know their little idiosyncrasies and quirks, yet loving them despite. What you considered love sounded more like infatuation. Talking to someone on the phone for a week can't provide you with enough info to "fall in love." You make it out like I'm a stalker, that is one thing I am not. I am doing what thousands of other individuals have done when they lose someone they love. Just because thousands of people might crazily pursue someone who dumps them, by calling them repeatedly, sitting in their driveway crying, getting drunk and phoning up their ex wife, going to their workplace when they're no longer invited......sure, maybe people DO do this, but that doesn't mean it's healthy, normal or mature. No, his wife did not have a right to call him every day just because they were married. She called for no reason. Girl, as his wife, she had every right to call him 50 times a day if she wanted to. Until they become officially and legally divorced, she had that right. And it isn't any of your business (or wasn't), whether her reasons for phoning were legitimate. That was between him and her. They aren't married anymore, so what's your reason now for why she calls every day? How do you know she still calls him everyday, do you have his phone tapped or something? His wife didn't hang up on me.... I never said she did. However, I said it was a wonder that she didn't. It was really out of line for you to get plastered and involve her in your problems with her husband/ex-husband. What you thought you'd gain or prove by doing that, I have no idea. ..... and they only got married because she got pregnant. It wasn't a "real" marriage in either of their eyes, that's why they still got along. Unless you're psychic, I'm not sure how you can be so certain. You weren't there with them during their marriage. He obviously loved her, or he wouldn't have married her or stayed. Tons of men get women pregnant and bugger off. He chose to stay. Why belittle what their marriage was? No I dont' have a habit on latching on to men who have no friends. And he's the one who told me what he did the night before, so why the hell are you saying I stalked him to find out? Nowhere did you indicate HOW you knew where he'd been the night before, you just said he'd been out with her cousin or brother (can't remember now)..and based on what you'd written, it seemed like that occured at a time when you 2 weren't even speaking...so logically, I'd deduce that he wasn't the one to tell you where he'd been. She did not want him back, so you need to get that out of your head. Oh really? Well I didn't pull that one out of my left ear. I stated that based on what you wrote here: "Well, I think he liked her calling him. He always said she wanted him back." You are taking everything I have said and twisted it, and it's unfair. I did not go to his workplace to sort out relationship stuff. He works in a new housing development and he wsa in the trailer alone. I had gone there during our relationship, and nobody knew we had broken up. There were a couple people pulling up to look at the model home when he yelled at me to leave. He obviously did not want to have any contact with you. He was not taking your calls, or returning your calls. Given the fact that he packed all of his stuff up and moved out, and the fact that he wasn't making contact with you, it would seem reasonable to deduce that he wouldn't appreciate you FORCING contact on him.....at his workplace.....where there's customers/clients/potential customers..........what you did was put him in a place where he had to face you, but he obviously didn't want to. He obviously didn't like it, as he yelled at you to leave. Continuing to leave big long letters on his doorstep, sending him emails, well hell, all of the following: "So for the last two weeks I have text messaged, called, stopped by his place unannounced, and gone to see if he'd go to lunch with me at his work (where he chewed me out in front of people)." Sorry, but that sounds like someone on the verge of being a stalker. You were throwing yourself in his face, figuratively and literally. Women sometimes get the name of being the "psycho ex girlfriend" from this kind of behavior. As for your assertion that you came here for advice and not to be put down, well when you post on a public forum, you have no control over what kind of responses you're going to get. What you're "looking for" isn't always going to be what you get. The guy is obviously not interested. Perhaps he's realized he still loves his ex wife...or maybe the poor guy has realized he needs some time to himself....after going through a marriage and jumping into something very intense with you before that marriage had even ended. Respect his wishes. Get off his back. Stop making yourself look desperate. There, that's my advice.
dolphinsunshyn Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 So for the last two weeks I have text messaged, called, stopped by his place unannounced, and gone to see if he'd go to lunch with me at his work (where he chewed me out in front of people). I just needed some closure. This isn't the way to get closure. It is obsessive and will not help you. I have been there. Guys need time. If you give it to him, he'll be more likely to communicate with you. But you HAVE to let him come to you! Fight your urge to contact him with everything you have. Contacting him everyday will hurt your chances of reconcillation. You stated that you wrote him a long letter. That is all you need to do. After that you just wait. If nothing happens in a month then you have to just move on. Keep yourself busy. Go out and meet new people. If you show him that you don't NEED him, he is more likely going to WANT to be with you. But, if you look dependant and needy, he will turned off and run the other direction as fast as he can. Guys are guys are guys. They all work the same way. Independace and confidence is what attracts them. Remember, if you want advice...you have to be willing to follow it! DO NOT CONTACT HIM ANYMORE! It is the best way to get him back or to get the closure that you are looking for. Best of luck!
shanny55 Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 Thank you Dolphin for some normal advice. That idiot befuddled who wrote is obviously miserable and never been in a relationship that meant anything to him. And just so you know, befuddled, there is a lot more to relationships than you know when people are on here asking for advice. April got pregnant when they were together only three months. Todd had to marry her or he was literally going to be cut out of a will. Real life isn't as rosey as you like to think it is in your miserable little world. I know you are single because nobody could stand to be with your negative attitude. Don't write me anymore, everything you say is useless.
Shanny Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 By the way, I was not plastered when I called. I made a mistake, I know that. Nobody knew I was drinking except me.
befuddled11 Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 Originally posted by shanny55 Thank you Dolphin for some normal advice. That idiot befuddled who wrote is obviously miserable and never been in a relationship that meant anything to him. And just so you know, befuddled, there is a lot more to relationships than you know when people are on here asking for advice. April got pregnant when they were together only three months. Todd had to marry her or he was literally going to be cut out of a will. Real life isn't as rosey as you like to think it is in your miserable little world. I know you are single because nobody could stand to be with your negative attitude. Don't write me anymore, everything you say is useless. First of all Miss Shanny, you've got a lot of nerve being a newcomer to an advice forum, then calling one of the few people who took the time to respond an "idiot." Your maturity is more than evident. Secondly, I am not a male, I am a female....in my mid 30s, and I am involved in a normal healthy relationship, thanks for asking. Next time you want free advice from people off the internet, maybe tell us in advance what you want us to write to you, and maybe if we're feelin' generous, we'll oblige. Awww...so poor Todd only married her because he'd have been cut out of the will? That sounds like a Danielle Steele novel in the making. My world isn't miserable at all. I never said life was rosey. However, I think it's repulsive to see women throwing themselves at married men (sorry hun, separated is still married), designating certain days of the week where the guy can't mention his ex's name (talk about controlling and insecure!), obsessing over them, involving their ex wives in the drama (then calling the poor woman a "b*tch" all because she told...when duh, of course she'd tell...perhaps you played a part in her marriage finally ending in divorce, of course we'll never know). It is a sad day for women when there's chicks out there who can't display some dignity and control. If a guy came to this forum and posted the same scenario, and he admitted to devoting 2 weeks to texting, emailing, dropping by unannounced, going to the workplace to make the gal talk, we'd be telling him to get checked. Or if a guy OR girl came here describing "ex behavior" like you're describing, we'd be advising them to get a restraining order and to be documenting all of this..and ensuring their doors are locked, and to change their phone #'s. But hey, maybe you're just really young? Live and learn, I suppose.
Shannny555 Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 Well, knowing you are a woman explains it all. You know NOTHING about me and what Todd and I had. You have all made it sound like I called, texted, and stopped by on a daily basis. He called me a couple times because he had to fix my car, and all the messages weren't desperate and needy. I had some of his son's clothes so I'd text and say "I put your son's clothes on my porch", for example. Please do not write me. Please. You do not have a normal healthy relationship. I know you don't. You are a liar. You have major control issues, and you need counseling yourself. There is a way to give polite advice and have some compassion. If you do not know the whole story, then do not berate me. I am not what you are portraying me to be. You do not give advice, so you shouldn't call it that. You just put people down to make yourself feel better. Get a life. It's Saturday night. If you have a normal relationship, you wouldn't be sitting at your computer right now.
jenny Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 i think it is quite interesting that you asked for advice from men, specifically. why is that? just curious. ok. i do not mean to speak for befuddled, and i know she will correct me if i misspeak, but i think the sense is that you might need an immediate boot camp in reality here. your actions need immediate attention because they are quite self-destructive, and, from the sound of things, increasingly so. sometimes a little antagonism is helpful to provoke clarity. i say this often, but re-read your post. you were a confident, independent, and asured woman before - i have no reason to believe you were not except for the speed of your downfall - but you can't want this for yourself. no one would want this life for themselves. i believe you: i think you were poised before, but this love has unhinged you. you have decided to accept this constant rejection and desperation for someone who is no longer interested in you. i say this gently, and in the spirit of support - but i do think you have become a little unhinged. it happens to the best of us; it happens to those of us a little unexperienced in love and the accompanying games. it may have brought up some issues you have with abandonment that lay dormant before - i don't know. for now, i don't care about the man and his wife. i don't think you should care, either. the one who needs love, attention, and support right now is YOU. if you really look at this situation, you would not want a guy back who has treated you the way he has. did you dream about being with some man who mentioned his wife every single day? i am betting you didn't; i am betting you wanted something and someone better. it is my advice that you let this one go for your own sanity. i don't want to be presumptious, but the pain in your post makes me think you may need more support that this forum is capable of supplying. so, to recap, here is what i think you should do, succinctly and clearly put: 1. remember who you were before this whole sitation began. don't you miss that successfull, proud, happy woman who would not chase a man, especially not one who was such a wuss with his ex? get back to that woman. 2. stop all contact immediately. you are better than the actions you are doing right now, and you CAN stop. 3. believe that this relationship is over - and start to think of it as an oppurtunity to grow, rather than a shameful tragedy. regret is quite useless. 4. get busy, you have a life to repair. occupying yourself prouctively will help pass the mourning time. you will have to mourn, and it will bad. but it *will* pass. 5. if you are comfortable with it, get some help. know women can help you too; in fact this is the time to turn to your women friends and support networks. 6. don't focus on him. i think the most alarming parts of your post were the ones that indicated how much emotional energy you spend on this man. if we are only given 100 units of emotional energy per day, you seem to be spending 80% percent of your energy on this guy - and he is demonstratably a very poor investment. so, we're on your side. we have different ways of expressing it, but everyone here is dedicated to trying to make positive changes in this almost desperate situation. i really wish you well, shanny; you will be in my thoughts tonight.
Darkangelism Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 Originally posted by Shannny555 Well, knowing you are a woman explains it all. Please do not write me. Please. You do not have a normal healthy relationship. I know you don't. You are a liar. You have major control issues, and you need counseling yourself. There is a way to give polite advice and have some compassion You do not give advice, so you shouldn't call it that. You just put people down to make yourself feel better. Get a life. It's Saturday night. If you have a normal relationship, you wouldn't be sitting at your computer right now. What are you thinking? You posted your story then could not handle the opinions, so you flip out like a nutcase at befuddled. She is right. All the things you said about befuddled you are guilty of, sitting at your computer, not having a healthy relationship, so why don't you get a life.
jenny Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 whoa..lagging one post behind. how alarming: Well, knowing you are a woman explains it all i know you are hurting, shanny, and striking out from pain, but you have to understand that you are alienating the people who are trying to help you. it's just not productive. re-read befuddled's post - that is a post that took time and effort. she is terrific at snapping people out of things, and i hope when your anger clears you can see that she was trying to help and is not deserving of your insults.
dario Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 Isn't it all about control? Proof positive that these matters send us on a spin. Shanny - back off from the situation for now. Just relax. Turn your phone off...keep yourself in check.
ldybg51 Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 [font=century gothic][/font][color=olive][/color]Okay, this could be a mind your own business situation here or not....lets see... Okay. I am going to have to give support to Shanny on this one. There was absolutely NO reason to be so rude to her. She simply posted something that looks almost identical to 100's of other posts on this site. She is going through a hard, lonely, confusing time and as we all know completely makes us do the strangest, some would say most psycho things that we would not normally do. Everyone is different and handles situations differently. I think we are here to offer advice and support, Not to completley belittle someone and offend them. When you respond to a post in this manner you are immediately causing them to take offense and not listen to anything you have to say. Yes, this is public, and yes, we can offer any advice that we want. But does any kind person really want to offer that type of advice to someone who is going through what we all know to be one of the hardest times in our lives...I will probably get a slap for helping you on this one, especially since I am NEW on here (i didnt realize that mattered) But, I do believe that noone deserves to be totally and so rudely put down for expressing thier pain and confusion and asking for advice. What may have worked better was to be a little nicer is all. I completely understand what was being said it just wasnt done in a way that would make someone listen. (yes i know it anyones right to respond exactly how they want) Some kind advice on your situation shanny, I completely understand where you are coming from but what you need to realize is that your behavior, although you dont see it, is bordering on compulsive. It happens to many many people when they lose the most important person in thier life. But you do need to step back. Stop and look around. Life is going on hon. Yours should too. Things may have progressed very quickly which in many many cases is the death of a relationship. What you need to do is stop contacting him and let him be for now. All you are doing is pushing him away and alienating him. Get a check on your emotions. IF you have any shot of getting him back then you are gonna have to let him go for now. If he calls you then great. No need to ignore his calls but do try to be the first off the phone. If he can see that you are calm now and not being "psycho" then maybe this will lead to his beginning to evaluate the situation with a clearer head. Not someone constantly wondering when will you pop up next. But you also have to keep in mind that you may not get him back. It may be to late for that. He may have realized that he needs space from serious commitment right now. One relationship right to the next can be tough on people. Clouds their judgement so to speak. So the best thing to do is try to move on. Keeping some hope will be inevitable, as im sure that many on here will tell you. We are moving on, and growing stronger and happier but there is still a little part of us that thinks about that 'second chance' and if it comes will rejoice. SO, Pick yourself UP, Move on, and be yourself again. AN independent, happy, loving caring woman. I believe Jennys post says it the best of all though...
dario Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 ldybg51, nice post. I think when we're in this state (as Shanny is) we sadly only want to see/hear the positive things and someone grabbing our shoulders and shaking us with some sort of reality is like a an earthquake of emotion that we simply do not want to hear/feel. We don't realise our actions and we always have an explanation for them in our minds and hearts....the other person (our ex) doesn't see these explantions...he/she only sees the actions and he/she only sees them as a means to further seal the relationship...to leave convincingly. It's an emotional state that some people handle much better than others... I myself am guilty of being emotional, chaotic and from an overview this would/can appear as freaky although the intentions of being freaky etc. are not what we/I would ever be after. It's a desperate grasp at trying to keep the other person by your side. shanny, I know that this can be horrifying. Take care, shanny....honestly, take care. I will not lie to you...it may take a while...but you must take care of yourself or it will broadside you mentally and throw you off course. He may call, he may not...and he may call in three weeks time, he may call in three months time.... But your body, your mind, your heart and your soul are in total shock at the moment. As for the earlier posts - I believe that people have a different way in comforting people and, as mentioned earlier, we all just want to hear good. We want to hear solutions. Unfortunately, sometimes the solution means that the only way to gain any sense of happiness is to look for another path - a path away. For now.
dario Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 Oh, and Shanny...I have to add that I feel for you on this one. I'm a guy...and I remember I went completely crazy with an ex a few years ago. There was no intention to hurt/cause pain...but there was such a wealth of emotion within my body (for her) that I couldn't calculate it all in my head. It has since affected relationships that followed as I become wary of what 'I am getting myself into'. I don't know how old you are....but you must treat yourself well FIRST before you allow others to treat you with the REPSECT you deserve. Hope ths makes sense.
amerikajin Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 Shanny, I think you just flipped your lid a little too much over this guy. When you sold your house and all that, you showed him you were willing to do anything for him. That seems like the stuff of which love stories are made, but the truth is, it gives your partner more leverage and power in the relationship. Don't ever make that mistake again. As for what transpired between your ex and his ex, you have to think about this a little bit. He has a child, and if he's a good father he wants to see him/her. In divorces, women almost automatically control how much access a man has to his kids, so it's always in his best interests to separate as amicably as possible. It's not necessarily fair, but that's the reality. A few observations... I don't know about you but I'm a little leary when people put down their ex's all the time. Did he ever acknowledge making mistakes of his own during the marriage? In general, you have tread lightly with people who are getting out of marriages (learned some lessons myself). They have issues they have to sort out, everything from kids to their own emotions.
Qgal Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 befuddled11, First of all, before you go off on someone you should make sure your facts are correct. If a person is legally separated, which in my state is mandatory prior to filing for divorce, you are not LEGALLY married. You are LEGALLY SEPARATED. There is a difference. Good for you, you probably have never been divorced or separated or you would know more about this. In many cases, the parties are counseled by their attornies NOT to have very little contact, esp. prior to trial, as to avoid saying or doing something that would hurt them if going through a custody battle. I think your responses were WAY TO HARSH! I thought this forum was a place for people to reach out for SUPPORT and get help... not insults. If you have such a wonderful life why ARE you on here so much? To abuse people who are already suffering??? I think it's hard for those who have healed to REMEMBER those NATURAL panicky feelings of the first few weeks. Many are in hyterical mode at that time. I know I was in the early stages. I didn't overly contact but I wanted too and it took everything I had not to. We aren't all that disiplined, as many other posters have admitted. I also think it IS possible to fall in love with someone after 7 days of contact. It is possible to absorb the essence of that person without having to know all of the details of their life. Although it has never happened to me others swear they have had "love at first sight". Who is to say it can't happen? Many highly intelligent people believe in more incredible things than that. ie: religion, astrology, tarot, etc. Chill out, girl! Try lending a hand to someone who is suffering by sharing an experience or offering care and support. Belittling them and causing them to feel worse is just plain cruel.
befuddled11 Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 Originally posted by Qgal befuddled11, First of all, before you go off on someone you should make sure your facts are correct. If a person is legally separated, which in my state is mandatory prior to filing for divorce, you are not LEGALLY married. You are LEGALLY SEPARATED. There is a difference. Um, toots, I am divorced, I know how it goes. Until those papers are signed by a Judge and the divorce decree is granted, the person is still considered married.....and at any time until that divorce decree is granted, they can and *often do* reconcile and go back to living as husband and wife. A legal separation is nothing more than a legal way for people to each cover their arses in terms of their assets, and who gets what. Good for you, you probably have never been divorced or separated or you would know more about this. In many cases, the parties are counseled by their attornies NOT to have very little contact, esp. prior to trial, as to avoid saying or doing something that would hurt them if going through a custody battle. Wow, you know what they say about people who "assume." My divorce decree was granted October 31, 1994 and came into effect Dec 1, 1994. What were you saying again? And so what *if* lawyers counsel their respective clients not to have contact......that's merely advice...it surely doesn't mean it's against some law to talk to their spouse. I think your responses were WAY TO HARSH! I thought this forum was a place for people to reach out for SUPPORT and get help... not insults. If you have such a wonderful life why ARE you on here so much? To abuse people who are already suffering??? Bla bla bla bla bla. Funny......I've never seen you here before, but you just sorta blew in. It's a familiar writing style, too. Shanny, is that you? (the occasional use of "all caps" to emphasize words is familiar..hmmmmmmm) I also think it IS possible to fall in love with someone after 7 days of contact. It is possible to absorb the essence of that person without having to know all of the details of their life. Although it has never happened to me others swear they have had "love at first sight". Who is to say it can't happen? Many highly intelligent people believe in more incredible things than that. ie: religion, astrology, tarot, etc. Well that's just fine and dandy that you believe that, I'll give you a golf clap. *golf clap* Most rational people who know something about relationships, and know something about love, know that "TRUE LOVE" is something that develops over a period of time...greater than one week of talking on the phone......and it develops from spending time with the person......getting to know all aspects of a person.....going through the good and bad times together.....Oh brother, I'm not going to try to explain it to ya, it's clear you wouldn't get it. SO you're free to believe what you like. Chill out, girl! Try lending a hand to someone who is suffering by sharing an experience or offering care and support. Belittling them and causing them to feel worse is just plain cruel. Yeah, you're right. *hanging my head* I've never ever offered any support or caring on any of these forums, not once. Shame on me. *slaps self* Thank God you came around to show me the error of my ways. YOU ROCK!
Qgal Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 There is something seriously wrong with you. You are not worth my time.
Vivid_29 Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 Whoa! A cat fight! Kewl! Meeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaoooooooooooooooooooowwwww!!! Hiiiiiiiiiissssssssssssssssssss!!! ~V
Vivid_29 Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 Originally posted by Qgal There is something seriously wrong with you. You are not worth my time. Qgal - Don't take it personal. Befuddled11 is very direct in her posts. ~V
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