Private Investigators....?

[always_waitings]

Anyone ever have any dealings with a P.I.?

 

My MM's W has hired one apparently and I was wondering what they are legally allowed to look at and such?

We've already had D-Day and he has moved out since, were in a R now but still trying to keep it relatively low key at the moment. so we still contact each other thru a cell phone I had purchased him awhile ago so I didn't think it would be legal for them to pull my records without permission.

He never contacted me thru the phone plan he had with her expect the rare occasion for something not related to our A but for work. He accidently accidently pocket called me last week from that phone, I thought he had deleted my number from that phone and when I received the call, I sent it straight to voicemail and never received a voicemail but she told him the phone records showed that we had a 5 minute conversation which never took place and there was never any voice mail left so she was having it looked into by someone.

Also I've heard some social networking sites say that once messages in your inbox/outbox are deleted they can never be retrieved again? Since when we first started seeing each other we sent messages thru one until she hacked into the account.

 

So just basically wondering what information they are able to legally pull up if anyone knows....

[spice4life]

I can't answer about private investigators, but I wonder why she has one now if he has moved out? Are they trying to reconcile? Or is she trying to find out information to giver herself a leg up in the divorce?

 

I would guess that the PI has no right to investigate your records without your consent. I also think that it is illegal to record audio and video of a person at the same time without their knowledge.

 

Be careful no matter what though.

[always_waitings]

I'm guessing so that she has a leg up in the divorce because he's not reconciling with her... but I could be totally wrong... he did tell me that even thought he has moved out she still watches his every move and checks his phone records to see what he is doing/who is he talking too.

[spice4life]

Regarding the inbox\outbox question, if something is created and stored on a computer there is still a way to retrieve stuff, even after it has been deleted. It would take a lot computer expertise to do so though and it is not cheap. If the information was exchanged and stored on a social networking site server, I imagine they would need a valid legal reason to retreive the records ie, proof of illegal activity. Again, this would not be cheap. Does she have the money to afford this level of investigation?

 

As I said, I'm not an expert, but do have a little technical knowledge.

[spice4life]

I'm guessing so that she has a leg up in the divorce because he's not reconciling with her... but I could be totally wrong... he did tell me that even thought he has moved out she still watches his every move and checks his phone records to see what he is doing/who is he talking too.

 

It sounds like she wants ammunition to use against him. Has he spoken with an attorney regarding his rights? He should file for a legal separation then he can have his attorney request that she cease and desist (sp?) with this activity. I have to wonder though, why doesn't he just get his own cell plan then she would not have access to his records. If he is out of the house then it wuold seem perfectly reseasonable for him to get his own plan even if there are children involved. I would ask him why he hasn't done this already?

[pureinheart]

Are you guys, or is he in a state where it matters? Most states/countries it doesn't matter...

 

Please correct me if I'm wrong, although I believe every place a person has been, emails written, etc. can be accessed even if they've been deleted. It is a time consuming process.

[always_waitings]

He has his own cellphone now but he doesn't want her to know that number so he keeps the one with her so that she can contact him thru only that one phone, he has no kids but she is always ragging on him now about something so he didn't give her the new number so he can just turn the other one off when he wants too and not have her calling him on his other number....

 

As for money part to hire all this, she would have means to afford this and whatever else she would like....

[spice4life]

He has his own cellphone now but he doesn't want her to know that number so he keeps the one with her so that she can contact him thru only that one phone, he has no kids but she is always ragging on him now about something so he didn't give her the new number so he can just turn the other one off when he wants too and not have her calling him on his other number....

 

As for money part to hire all this, she would have means to afford this and whatever else she would like....

 

If she has the means then he needs to be careful. One thing he has to remember is that she is probably doing all of this because she is hurting right now and is lashing out. If he decides to divorce, then this should calm down with time. In the mean time, he should continue to be careful so she can't use anything to manipulate him and make him feel guilty. The stuff she finds out may not matter to a Court but she can use it as emotional blackmail to weaken his resolve to leave. Some men have a tendency to cave under these conditions.

 

The best thing he can do is stay calm cool and collected so he doesn't look like he is provoking her. If he is out and there is no hope for reconciliation then her actions will speak more about her than him.

[Spark1111]

She can fully investigate all jointly-held debts and assets he may have incurred or used as part of having an affair with you.

 

If they are heading towards divorce, then she may want to know what he has spent on the affair.

 

It's just a bargaining chip in the financial settlement.

 

But my question is, if this is a done deal, why does she still care?

 

As a fBS, his lying about his extent of involvment with his OW was driving me crazy: the continued gas-lighting. I just wanted the truth and refused to provide it.

 

In our state, it wouldn't have made a difference to the divorce court if he had an affair or not. They would just care if was hiding marital assets to afford the affair, moving out, etc.

 

So, is he still lying to her about you? Why?

[pureinheart]

I'm guessing so that she has a leg up in the divorce because he's not reconciling with her... but I could be totally wrong... he did tell me that even thought he has moved out she still watches his every move and checks his phone records to see what he is doing/who is he talking too.

 

Wow...I just can't imagine why he would not want to be M to her any longer:rolleyes:

[debby]

I agree that most courts don't care one bit if there was an affair. He should file for a seperation and split all liquid assets asap. Are you in a 50/50 state? Most of the time, you split all the debts and assets if you are. Also, in my state, recording IS legal as long as one member of the conversation or exchange is aware that it is being recorded. When my ex started threatening me physically and telling me how he would ruin me financially by withholding child support unless I divorced him right away so he could marry his lover, I started recording the calls. (he could not file for divorce b/c he was off on a military training exercise headed for deployment but he wanted me to get it done so he could marry the little army private he had met while he was away.) Not all states allow recording, and it would not have been legal for me to record him and his OW, but I could record OUR conversations as much as I wanted to. Check your states laws.

 

My advice to you is lay low while this is all boiling over. It will pass in time and you won't complicate it further by providing ammunition.

[In_Repair]

Is she a dependent spouse, or does she have her own career with a somewhat comparable income to his? The way I understand it, even in "no fault" states, proof of an affair can have influence over the alimony amount paid to a dependent spouse. That proof would also be more of a guarantee that she receives an alimony payment, even if it had no bearing on the specific amount.

 

Also, has he come clean about the whole affair yet? Probably not... so, I'm guessing she MIGHT be a little curious about things. Don't you think?

 

I really don't understand your concerns about the PI. If they uncover something that can't be used in court, then the judge will throw it out and it will have no bearing. Is he trying to screw his wife over financially or something?

[2sunny]

looks like he is totally invested in the R with HER, not you.

 

that would be enough for me to run for the hills... why are you still participating with him when you are still his secret after he's moved out? since you are the secret = he doesn't intend to make it work long term. he is still trying to please his W more than you.

 

that is a fact shown by his actions and evidence. is that enough for you?

[Star_Bright]

I agree with 2sunny - this is a very fishy situation! Why is he hiding you from her and lying to her about you if they are separated and getting divorced? What he is telling her sounds way different from what he's telling you. It sounds to me like he is giving her hope of reconciliation and she is double-checking his story. Be careful! Think about you and what is best for you. Good luck.

[2sunny]

your user name tells you everything... stop waiting and start living - for YOU!

 

live for you - not him...

[always_waitings]

she has a job comparable to his one job but he works 2 others as well...

She found out about us a couple months ago but than he told her he stopped talking to me and I did question why and he said that he was trying to be amicable towards her so he might at least get some of his pension. He says he's okay with giving her everything else and the house but like you guys said it still seems kinda strange to me. I could see her still being curious about it if she is going thru all this trouble to try to figure it out. I keep thinking if you love someone as much as you say than why after you have moved out cant you just admit it?

And its not that I'm concerned with what a P.I. would find, I have nothing to hide and If i know someone, all they have to do is ask and I'll give a striaght forward answer but that is only with people I know.

I don't know her and but yes I had an A with her H but I stay out of there business for a reason as its not mine, I think she needs to stay out of mine, I mean she knows what I drive right down to the lic plate #, she knows my family and all there names and their email and phone numbers, she knows personal details of my life and I personally don't like it.

[always_waitings]

no, not yet, which is why I am still always concerned about everything....

he keeps telling me that he wouldn't of gone out and gotten an apt and dropped all this money if he wanted to be with her but like right now..... but he could just be telling her that he needed a break for a couple months or so?

[BB07]

she has a job comparable to his one job but he works 2 others as well...

She found out about us a couple months ago but than he told her he stopped talking to me and I did question why and he said that he was trying to be amicable towards her so he might at least get some of his pension. He says he's okay with giving her everything else and the house but like you guys said it still seems kinda strange to me. I could see her still being curious about it if she is going thru all this trouble to try to figure it out. I keep thinking if you love someone as much as you say than why after you have moved out cant you just admit it?

And its not that I'm concerned with what a P.I. would find, I have nothing to hide and If i know someone, all they have to do is ask and I'll give a striaght forward answer but that is only with people I know.

I don't know her and but yes I had an A with her H but I stay out of there business for a reason as its not mine, I think she needs to stay out of mine, I mean she knows what I drive right down to the lic plate #, she knows my family and all there names and their email and phone numbers, she knows personal details of my life and I personally don't like it.

 

I see a lot of red flags. Are you absolutely sure he is not living with her???

Also.......like it's been mentioned before, I think he is still playing the "possible reconciliation" card with the wife.

You know lots of mm portray their situation as protecting what is rightfully theirs but yet making you think they are doing the right thing by the wife in dividing up assets fairly. Kinda makes them look better in your eyes.....just saying.

 

Also about his wife having your personal details and using a PI, come on now........you can't really blame her, she is protecting her own interests and why wouldn't she be curious about you?? You might not like her knowing these things, but you did have an affair with her husband and it comes with the territory. Have you considered that one of the reasons she is using a PI is because he is telling her that he isn't seeing you currently and he wants to reconcile with her?

 

Like I said.......lots of red flags.

[Owl]

I don't know her and but yes I had an A with her H but I stay out of there business for a reason as its not mine, I think she needs to stay out of mine, I mean she knows what I drive right down to the lic plate #, she knows my family and all there names and their email and phone numbers, she knows personal details of my life and I personally don't like it.

 

I understand how you feel, but try looking at this from her perspective.

 

You are the enemy. Plain and simple.

 

And I'm sure you've heard the saying "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.".

 

She's got information on you because she absolutely completely does not trust you, does not believe that you mean her anything but harm, and knows that if she's got this information on you she can use it to track her H, and to learn more about what's going on in the affair.

 

Fair? Maybe not. But definitely not surprising. I did the exact same thing in my situation as well. I learned absolutely everything I could about OM. For the reasons I described.

 

But this also tells me that she's still emotionally invested in a relationship with him. I would tell you that while THEORETICALLY they're moving towards divorce, she's not emotionally at that point yet. And from what you've described about his communication with her...neither is he.

 

Be cautious about this...we see a common occurrence here on LS where men move out...but then end up going back to their wives. I mean no insult or attack by any of this...just trying to give you some insight and caution.

[always_waitings]

BBO7, he is telling her he's not seeing me anymore and I'm starting to think that he is just doing this to maybe reconcile with her in the future, But their M hasn't been good for about 2 years now and he has wanted out before but was just "afraid to be alone", he said the down-spiral of the M wasn't because of me, it was faults on both their parties but they were just comfortable and never did anything about it till I came along... not sure how he moving out isn't because of me than. always makes me think I could just be an exit affair and that I gave him the courage to finally do something but where does that leave me than?

And yes your right about the P.I, it does come with the territory but it just frustrates me having someone that I dont want having information about me having it... nothing I can do about it, but I really just wanted to know what was too much information for her to have and what would be legal for her to have and all.

This is still new, he has only moved out 2 weeks ago and so no I don't know if he is absoutly not living there still but I can only go off of what I see or am told.

 

Im just gonna take it day by day and see where it goes, I have no plans to move in with him or rush into anything huge with him till I at least see him starting to file for the D or has it. till than I'm keeping my guard up and not letting him think that Im a toy to be played with....

[BB07]

10 characters.........ugggg.

BBO7, he is telling her he's not seeing me anymore and I'm starting to think that he is just doing this to maybe reconcile with her in the future, But their M hasn't been good for about 2 years now and he has wanted out before but was just "afraid to be alone", he said the down-spiral of the M wasn't because of me, it was faults on both their parties but they were just comfortable and never did anything about it till I came along... not sure how he moving out isn't because of me than. always makes me think I could just be an exit affair and that I gave him the courage to finally do something but where does that leave me than?

And yes your right about the P.I, it does come with the territory but it just frustrates me having someone that I dont want having information about me having it... nothing I can do about it, but I really just wanted to know what was too much information for her to have and what would be legal for her to have and all.

This is still new, he has only moved out 2 weeks ago and so no I don't know if he is absoutly not living there still but I can only go off of what I see or am told.

That's the danger of dealing with mm, they do lie. I think you need to be very cautious because I'm afraid that what he is telling you is different than what he is really doing. I see similarities of what happened to me in your story and it concerns me. I'm not saying that it's the same story but my xmm wasn't really separated....he told me that his wife hired a PI, she didn't and well I don't have all day to write out the other lies but you get the drift. If I were you, I'd do a little snooping of my own and see if you can't verify some of what he has told you.

 

Good luck.

Im just gonna take it day by day and see where it goes, I have no plans to move in with him or rush into anything huge with him till I at least see him starting to file for the D or has it. till than I'm keeping my guard up and not letting him think that Im a toy to be played with....

[Star_Bright]

she has a job comparable to his one job but he works 2 others as well...

She found out about us a couple months ago but than he told her he stopped talking to me and I did question why and he said that he was trying to be amicable towards her so he might at least get some of his pension. He says he's okay with giving her everything else and the house but like you guys said it still seems kinda strange to me. I could see her still being curious about it if she is going thru all this trouble to try to figure it out. I keep thinking if you love someone as much as you say than why after you have moved out cant you just admit it?

And its not that I'm concerned with what a P.I. would find, I have nothing to hide and If i know someone, all they have to do is ask and I'll give a striaght forward answer but that is only with people I know.

I don't know her and but yes I had an A with her H but I stay out of there business for a reason as its not mine, I think she needs to stay out of mine, I mean she knows what I drive right down to the lic plate #, she knows my family and all there names and their email and phone numbers, she knows personal details of my life and I personally don't like it.

 

This sounds so close to the sitch I was just living in. My MM moved out and told me he was going to get a divorce but wouldn't tell his wife he was still with me (and she knew about our affair, we had a D-day). After awhile it got old, and I thought he needed to be upfront with both of us. Really by his actions (or lack thereof) I could tell he was just undecided and stringing us both along. It is a horrible place to be. That's why I tell you to focus on yourself and not him. You deserve better than to be a secret. Good luck.

[Fieldsofgold]

It sounds to me like she told him to get out, and he did move out to appease her, but is trying to reconcile, and she hired the PI because she is trying to figure out if she can trust him.

[thomasb]

It sounds to me like she told him to get out, and he did move out to appease her, but is trying to reconcile, and she hired the PI because she is trying to figure out if she can trust him.

 

 

 

I think you are right on the money.

[2sunny]

It sounds to me like she told him to get out, and he did move out to appease her, but is trying to reconcile, and she hired the PI because she is trying to figure out if she can trust him.

 

i think it is this!

 

she has a job comparable to his one job but he works 2 others as well...

She found out about us a couple months ago but than he told her he stopped talking to me and I did question why and he said that he was trying to be amicable towards her so he might at least get some of his pension. He says he's okay with giving her everything else and the house but like you guys said it still seems kinda strange to me. I could see her still being curious about it if she is going thru all this trouble to try to figure it out. I keep thinking if you love someone as much as you say than why after you have moved out cant you just admit it?

And its not that I'm concerned with what a P.I. would find, I have nothing to hide and If i know someone, all they have to do is ask and I'll give a striaght forward answer but that is only with people I know.

I don't know her and but yes I had an A with her H but I stay out of there business for a reason as its not mine, I think she needs to stay out of mine, I mean she knows what I drive right down to the lic plate #, she knows my family and all there names and their email and phone numbers, she knows personal details of my life and I personally don't like it.

 

if you don't like it - get out! you are not married... it's easy to walk away from such a mess at this point. do it!