9Lives Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 Lately I have been relapsing into stupid behavior like checking fb pages again. Feeling bad? And all that bull and for what? So I took a piece of paper and wrote there is no happiness in the past. Guys I want to get over this! I want to stop feeling bad. I want to smile again. I want to go on. I want to be happy and enjoy my life without that nagging little devil on my shoulder playing movies and snapshot of my past. My past pain.my hurts. The negativity that brings me down but sometimes I'M MY OWN WORST ENEMY. Enough is enough I hope that whoever is struggling with a lost relationship or a decision to let go of something or someone that you will feel empower to let go completely so you can be happy, so you can be yourself again, so you don't have to be depressed, so you can focus on your life and your future.... There is no happiness in that past. Pls don't post something on here that will hold someone back. There are people here who are not able to move on with their future to the fullest because they are STUCK in the past. There is no happiness in the past.
nowwhatnow Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 Wow thank you for this post. You are so right! Its like as soon as im not feeling as depressed I will look at his fb page and it will just make me sick and ruin my day. I need to control myself, make a pact with myself to stop looking at his fb page and stop asking my friends about him. You are so right about being happy with myself. I have great friends, I do well in school, I have a great family but yet I wake up everyday depressed because I LIVE in the past and hope that the past will mirror the future, but it never will. I need to just move forward, on my own, but its MUCH easier said than done!
carhill Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 The good news is that there is happiness in the past and, at a point in the process of living, you will find you can accept it without prejudice or qualification. It's just not your time yet. I reflect back over the last year, the loss of the love of my life; the loss of the person I chose for my wife; the loss of the person who gave me everything and asked for nothing. I can see the happiness in all those dynamics, even though they're three very different people and three very different circumstances of loss. You're in charge of how you *feel* and how you process and act on those feelings. I find happiness to be a far more positive mindset than the alternative. Accepting the happiness of the past paves the road for future happiness. Nice highway
Author 9Lives Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 Wow thank you for this post. You are so right! Its like as soon as im not feeling as depressed I will look at his fb page and it will just make me sick and ruin my day. I need to control myself, make a pact with myself to stop looking at his fb page and stop asking my friends about him. You are so right about being happy with myself. I have great friends, I do well in school, I have a great family but yet I wake up everyday depressed because I LIVE in the past and hope that the past will mirror the future, but it never will. I need to just move forward, on my own, but its MUCH easier said than done! Godd for you! Write it down. Put it on your mirror...put it RIGHT next to your bed...put it in your car cause you sound like me. You sound like u want to be about today and not all the yesterdays. The mind loves to play that bad movie. The movie is over. Next!
Author 9Lives Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 The good news is that there is happiness in the past and, at a point in the process of living, you will find you can accept it without prejudice or qualification. It's just not your time yet. I reflect back over the last year, the loss of the love of my life; the loss of the person I chose for my wife; the loss of the person who gave me everything and asked for nothing. I can see the happiness in all those dynamics, even though they're three very different people and three very different circumstances of loss. You're in charge of how you *feel* and how you process and act on those feelings. I find happiness to be a far more positive mindset than the alternative. Accepting the happiness of the past paves the road for future happiness. Nice highway The problem is that some of us don't need to look in the past PERIOD just to get out of it regardless of what else was part of it. Some of us have to completely shut it all down so we can make it out. Forgetting all of it to be able to get completely over it. That's what I need too do...my happiness is ahead now
carhill Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 Yes, I married a person like that, one who shut out her abusive childhood and thought happiness was all in the present tense. Yet, the process by which she appeared to shut the door kept stuff from the other side leaking under the door and invading the present. She hadn't made peace with the past and accepted *both* the happiness (which there was) and abuse/unhappiness. I became a constant reminder of that leakage. In fact, she hated that I had a happy and loving childhood and made many derogatory remarks about my parents. Even now, I can accept those realities and still see the happy and loving times we had in our marriage. Evidently, this is a minority viewpoint. Accepted
Author 9Lives Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 I understand all that. All I'm saying is sometimes you have to let I all go to get to a new place. There are pros and cons to everything in life. Learn from it but u might have to shut it down to live on. It just depends on how painful the past is sometimes.
Author 9Lives Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 The good news is that there is happiness in the past and, at a point in the process of living, you will find you can accept it without prejudice or qualification. It's just not your time yet. I reflect back over the last year, the loss of the love of my life; the loss of the person I chose for my wife; the loss of the person who gave me everything and asked for nothing. I can see the happiness in all those dynamics, even though they're three very different people and three very different circumstances of loss. You're in charge of how you *feel* and how you process and act on those feelings. I find happiness to be a far more positive mindset than the alternative. Accepting the happiness of the past paves the road for future happiness. Nice highway Carhill, I HATE MY PAST. I hate hate hate that pain. I hate what I went thru even tho it made me a smarter person. I hate so so so much. I have never experience so much pain in my life. Not even when my mom was murdered. Nothing can describe how much my inner life was. Totally distraught over love and loving too much and not loving myself properly. I came so close to killing myself. No I don't want to remember this chapter in my life. I want to be free! You can call me weak or stupid but it can get that bad for people so no I don't want to count the good. I wwant to take the whole file and burn it in the trash of life...delete
carhill Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 I don't recall, have you sought psychological therapy? I found such therapy to be a great help. I recall a period where I wanted to 'check out', probably for a couple years. MC, ostensibly to salvage our M, was the turning point. That 14 months of being open to change helped immeasurably. Arguably, absent that, right now I might be your biggest cheering section. If disconnecting the past brings you health, that's your path. We each have different paths. I hope you find the peace you seek
durkadurka Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 Yeah disconnecting yourself from your past is not a great idea. Honestly, it facilitates moving on without learning any lessons, in my opinion. It's something that girls do a lot in my experience. Maybe it has to do with the fact it's easier for a girl to get a new guy than it is for a guy to get a new girl. More often than not though, I've found that women don't grieve and just gloss over the issues and move onto the next person.
Ajax Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 Yeah disconnecting yourself from your past is not a great idea. Honestly, it facilitates moving on without learning any lessons, in my opinion. It's something that girls do a lot in my experience. Maybe it has to do with the fact it's easier for a girl to get a new guy than it is for a guy to get a new girl. More often than not though, I've found that women don't grieve and just gloss over the issues and move onto the next person. Hate to say it, but it's true. I've seen too many people, especially women, burn their past and fail to change their ways. So they make the same mistake, get hurt (or hurt someone else) and then just burn that experience too and repeat cycle. Living in the past is bad. But remembering and learning from it is good. Our past shapes our present and future. It helps define who we are, even the painful parts. Remember the old saying by George Santayana, "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
Author 9Lives Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 I don't recall, have you sought psychological therapy? I found such therapy to be a great help. I recall a period where I wanted to 'check out', probably for a couple years. MC, ostensibly to salvage our M, was the turning point. That 14 months of being open to change helped immeasurably. Arguably, absent that, right now I might be your biggest cheering section. If disconnecting the past brings you health, that's your path. We each have different paths. I hope you find the peace you seek Im not that far gone. I have not removed myself from society. Im not walking around like a zombie or anything. I function like everyone else but that part of my brain has to forget this bull crap.....it called compartmentalizing for the better good. Sorry you cant understand where Im coming from
Author 9Lives Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 Yeah disconnecting yourself from your past is not a great idea. Honestly, it facilitates moving on without learning any lessons, in my opinion. It's something that girls do a lot in my experience. Maybe it has to do with the fact it's easier for a girl to get a new guy than it is for a guy to get a new girl. More often than not though, I've found that women don't grieve and just gloss over the issues and move onto the next person. it called compartmentalizing for the better good. Sorry you cant understand where Im coming from. I have learned alot and will use in moving forward in my future but some people, things, situation, circumstances are better to remove from your thought process if at all possible. It keeps you stuck behind. You dont have to do it. You dont have to agree. All I hope is that you never experience something so hurtful that you wish to God that your brain would shut the hell up and let you go on to something better. That is all Im saying. Forgetting some things of your past is the best thing that can happen to some of us. Learn from it and try to get as far as you can away from it. That is me!
strangeways Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 9Lives I don't disagree that compartmentalizing and shutting of parts of your life works for some and, thankfully I've never had anything truly tragic happen in my life. My experiences are with 2 people who are very dear to me; my best friend and my ex. Both have tragic experiences in their childhoods which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. They've both tried to compartmentalize and you know what, their experiences permeate EVERY aspect of their lives; relationships, living arrangements, how they feel about themselves, jobs, planning for the future, the list goes on. I've lost count of the number of women my best friend has hurt badly over the years (he's 41 now) and only now realises he needs to do something about it. Not sure if I have a point other than it works for some and not others. As another poster says they both only find happiness in the present and also they can't see any in the future.
Author 9Lives Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 9Lives I don't disagree that compartmentalizing and shutting of parts of your life works for some and, thankfully I've never had anything truly tragic happen in my life. My experiences are with 2 people who are very dear to me; my best friend and my ex. Both have tragic experiences in their childhoods which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. They've both tried to compartmentalize and you know what, their experiences permeate EVERY aspect of their lives; relationships, living arrangements, how they feel about themselves, jobs, planning for the future, the list goes on. I've lost count of the number of women my best friend has hurt badly over the years (he's 41 now) and only now realises he needs to do something about it. Not sure if I have a point other than it works for some and not others. As another poster says they both only find happiness in the present and also they can't see any in the future. Well I have tried everything else to get this man out of my mind....I will try anything down to being hypotized. I just dont want to think about this anymore. Its over , its done and I have to get my brain to join reality. If thats what it takes to give these demons up, so be it. Im tired of it.
durkadurka Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 it called compartmentalizing for the better good. Sorry you cant understand where Im coming from. I have learned alot and will use in moving forward in my future but some people, things, situation, circumstances are better to remove from your thought process if at all possible. It keeps you stuck behind. You dont have to do it. You dont have to agree. All I hope is that you never experience something so hurtful that you wish to God that your brain would shut the hell up and let you go on to something better. That is all Im saying. Forgetting some things of your past is the best thing that can happen to some of us. Learn from it and try to get as far as you can away from it. That is me! Oh I can understand where you're coming from, I see it all the time. But then you repeat your mistakes. I realized this with my last girlfriend, I'm simply the 3rd iteration of the same person in her life. Suffice to say, and I can say this because I've read enough of your posts now to get a feel for this, you're simply seeking a way to validate your method of moving on. Sorry, you picked the wrong one.
strangeways Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 Well I have tried everything else to get this man out of my mind....I will try anything down to being hypotized. I just dont want to think about this anymore. Its over , its done and I have to get my brain to join reality. If thats what it takes to give these demons up, so be it. Im tired of it. Tell me about it! My dad has an old friend who is a brain surgeon. I'm going to ask if he can do me a cheap lobotomy. That should do the trick
durkadurka Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 Well I have tried everything else to get this man out of my mind....I will try anything down to being hypotized. I just dont want to think about this anymore. Its over , its done and I have to get my brain to join reality. If thats what it takes to give these demons up, so be it. Im tired of it. The key is to create new memories, I know it's easier said than done. My life has been dictated by the fact that all the formative memories in my young adult life have been with this girl. Every Christmas, every birthday, every holiday has been with her. I don't know my life without her, in any meaningful sense. I'm just starting to find that out now. It's hard knowing that maybe 2-3 nights this week I will be alone rather than with someone (I won't even say my ex), and being alone is hard. But it is also valuable.
Author 9Lives Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 Oh I can understand where you're coming from, I see it all the time. But then you repeat your mistakes. I realized this with my last girlfriend, I'm simply the 3rd iteration of the same person in her life. Suffice to say, and I can say this because I've read enough of your posts now to get a feel for this, you're simply seeking a way to validate your method of moving on. Sorry, you picked the wrong one. No, I wont repeat my mistakes. I KNOW i wont. the lesson is engraved in my head. Face it! some people just want to forget things of the past. Some things need to just disappear out your brain like a ex boyfriend...proof...be gone dude
Author 9Lives Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 The key is to create new memories, I know it's easier said than done. My life has been dictated by the fact that all the formative memories in my young adult life have been with this girl. Every Christmas, every birthday, every holiday has been with her. I don't know my life without her, in any meaningful sense. I'm just starting to find that out now. It's hard knowing that maybe 2-3 nights this week I will be alone rather than with someone (I won't even say my ex), and being alone is hard. But it is also valuable. Whatever dude. Im running with this ball. Thank you tho.
durkadurka Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 Whatever dude. Im running with this ball. Thank you tho. Good luck chump.
Cratsky Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 This relationship ended for a reason. It's not sufficient to simply tell yourself to forget it. You need to think about how it started, think about all the times you tried and were your authentic self and that it wasn't enough. You need to feel through all the stages of grief in ending a relationship (including anger for being thrown away) and you will find relief in knowing that they deserve to find love elsewhere and so do you. Spend more time focusing on whether anything else you could have done would have changed the outcome. You'll be surprised in hindsight how they probably already had their mind made up a while ago but were simply testing to see if you could cut it. now who believes that is how love should work? Stuff them. If they choose to leave, it's their loss. Good luck to them and good riddance.
Author 9Lives Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 This relationship ended for a reason. It's not sufficient to simply tell yourself to forget it. You need to think about how it started, think about all the times you tried and were your authentic self and that it wasn't enough. You need to feel through all the stages of grief in ending a relationship (including anger for being thrown away) and you will find relief in knowing that they deserve to find love elsewhere and so do you. Spend more time focusing on whether anything else you could have done would have changed the outcome. You'll be surprised in hindsight how they probably already had their mind made up a while ago but were simply testing to see if you could cut it. now who believes that is how love should work? Stuff them. If they choose to leave, it's their loss. Good luck to them and good riddance. Yeah it did end for a reason. I got the lesson now Im done. thanks for the input
Author 9Lives Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 Good luck chump. LOL!!!!! happier this way. Sorry if you got a problem with it. Have a great day Durkadurka!!
rosaroo Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 I think that maybe 9Lives is in the anger stage of grieving! Maybe there is a stage when your heart is so broken and you are so tired of feeling sad that you just get PISSED OFF and that anger moves you forward in life. My brother was really obssessed and heartbroken with a girl he drove away because he was pretty dysfunctional. And he ended his life over it this July. It wasn't just that though - it was the combination of the loss of love, which he told himself again and again was a FAILURE of his, and his own lack of being able to keep a job because of his emotional pain and depression. Right before he died, I started having dreams about a guy from college nearly 20 years ago. They hurt so badly. I wake up crying. That's how I found this post by 9Lives - I needed to know if I was alone in feeling so much pain over failed relationships. I think I know the answer to getting over these types of things, which is to move forward and build new experiences and the danger is to remain STILL and brood over things. I'm sure my own dreams are coming up because I am not doing anything positive in my life right now. I'm not working, feeling depressed, and basically have no life. So since the present is so boring and unfulfilled, what is left to dwell on? The past! I personally like the energy and determination of 9Lives to say, "F--- it! I'm moving on" but at the same time it seems like there are issues beneath these things. For me, the college guy didn't work out because he was a super Christian and I was totally messed up from an abusive home. I totally couldn't relate to him and felt like a lesser person. It still haunts me for some reason. That feeling of failure and being mean to myself in my own mind is a pattern and it won't just go away. I have to actively choose different thoughts. Life sure isn't fair. Some of us honestly do have more to overcome emotionally and psychologically just like some of us have physical disease or handicaps. But this much I know. It's painful to have a relationship not work. If you don't come to grips with it you can wake up dreaming about a person who made you feel badly 20 years later! And you can't really control your dreams!
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