Let's take is slow and see where things go

[nice-easy-day]

I'm all for taking things slow but from what everyone tells me once you hit the friend zone it's highly unlikely it will ever turn into a romantic relationship.

 

Have you ever had a casual relationship develop into something romantic?

 

Are there certain kinds of girls out there who because of insecurity, past hurts, personality or whatever reason are more inclined to take things slow before jumping in with both feet?

 

I ask because I'm in a situation where there is 'some' romance but not as much as I'm accustomed to by the end of one month. I find it hard to believe that 'every' girl goes right for the fireworks. Either that, or I'm kidding myself.

[EasyHeart]

If you've only known someone for a month, you're still strangers. Adults get to know each other before they jump into a romantic relationship. There's a huge difference between "Friends first" and "Just friends".

[nice-easy-day]

If you've only known someone for a month, you're still strangers. Adults get to know each other before they jump into a romantic relationship. There's a huge difference between "Friends first" and "Just friends".

 

I was hoping someone would say that

[phineas]

same situation. going on two months but, we were just friends for a yr before that.

Like talk on the phone a few times a week & see each other once or twice a week over the summer with our kids.

 

She was avoiding being alone with me & just wanted to hang out with her family around.

 

she shied away when I tried to kiss her but didn't want me dating other women then gave me lame excuses about why we couldn't have time alone.

 

So I finally just told her I want sex & if she doesn't want to do that with me i'll start looking for someone else.

 

She said she was afraid of loosing me if things go bad & I pointed out she's going to loose me anyways because I want a woman in my life.

 

Now all of a sudden those excuses kind of dried up & she wants to come over for dinner & a movie this week.

 

I don't expect sex, but I expect something to happen to clearly show she is genuinely interested in me & not just stringing me along for attention.

 

For OP if you like her, give her another month. Then if YOU are not happy with the situation and tell her.

 

If she isn't ready then you need to downgrade her to just friends & date someone else.

[D-Jam]

I agree that a month is a short period of time. In my eyes you're just "seeing each other" and getting to know one another. Most of my past RLs started off as a girl I met, we became friends, and she grew to love me after a few months to a year. Most of this was that I didn't set her heart on fire initially, but over time she got to know me and fell for me.

 

I do agree though many men and women use "taking it slow" as a protection, and then worse they do stupid things that are not anywhere "taking it slow" or disrespectful to the member of the opposite sex they're taking it slow with...thus you get drama.

 

I wrote this a long time ago on another board. It's how I view "taking it slow":

 

TAKING THINGS SLOW

1. There is no pressure to be making out or having sex at any short time frame. No 3-date rule. Sex and other intimacy will happen when both sides are mentally and emotionally ready
   
2. The two will go out on DATES and call it "dating". They will say the person they are with is the person they are dating or seeing. There will not be any implications that this person is "just a friend"
   
3. Both parties are responsible for payment of bills and other expenses. The man is perfectly entitled to be a gentleman and pay it all, but the woman should also be prepared to cough up half at times. Plus it scores points with many men.
   
4. Certain levels of intimacy are allowed early on if both parties are agreeable to it. Examples: Hugs and kisses on the cheek, cuddling on the couch, sleeping in the same bed and cuddling
   
5. Romantic gestures should be kept under a certain level of control. So making her a candlelit dinner is fine, but sending her flowers to her work after the second date isn't. Wait on that til things grow
   
6. There is a certain level of exclusivity in taking it slow. It means you two are taking time to get to know one another and making an investment in one another. It doesn't mean that this person is an "option" and you should be out there looking for other possibilities. HOWEVER...
   
7. If you happen to meet someone out of the blue you are also interested in, then you must also take it slow with that person...not leap right into a RL while telling the other person LJBF. All you do there is push men and women to think that "taking it slow" means "rejected".
   
8. The idea of "exciting romance" is nonexistent here if you are taking it slow. This is especially aimed at women who tell a guy she wants to take it slow, but then get quickly bored and lose interest because there's no romance, spontaneity, or excitement. There isn't any because those are things you do that would mean NOT "taking it slow". You can't take things slow and somehow have exciting passionate romance at the same time...so be patient and put away the romance novels.
   
9. Honesty must be maintained at all times. That means being honest with the other person if you just don't feel the chemistry and want to be friends only as well as honestly on "where things stand" at all times. Usually in taking it slow one person isn't up for it, but likes the other and is willing to be patient. Having where things stand be in an unknown standing will only make problems.
   
10. Taking things slow does NOT mean this person is an item you can put on or take off the shelf when it suits you. So if you're taking it slow because you want more freedom and space to go out with friends and such, then you're not taking it slow. You're just wanting a temporary mate for when you don't have other options to go out.
    
11. You are NOT seeing regular FBs or looking for an ONS while "taking it slow". You want to take it slow then that's a price you pay.
    
12. If things do not work out into a full RL, then not only must both parties know this in honesty...but there are NO GUARANTEES that one or more parties will remain friends or even in contact. Either side is entitled to cut all ties and move on in a polite manner.
    

[nice-easy-day]

I really appreciate everyone who has posted. I was hoping to find that sometimes relationships just go slow and steady in the beginning. I'm in my mid 30's now and understand that the dating scene may be different from high school or college. I'm going to give this girl a chance and just accept things as they are. As one poster said, Adults take things slow before jumping in. This concept is new to me and I don't want to miss out on something spectacular. Thank you so much, you all make a lot of sense.

[Banker Chick]

I got out of a 10 month relationship about 3 months ago. After about 2 months I was ready to dip my toe back into dating. The relationship ending didn't devastate me or anything but I did feel there had to be a natural progression for me. I had to let the memories of the relationship fade a little before jumping head first into a new "relationship". I did meet a nice guy and was honest that I wanted to take things slow and not bounce from one relationship to another but that I also was not a serial dater or someone that wasn't looking for a commitment. He understood and said we'd take it slow and see what happened. I did like him but unfortunately he took it TOO slow and I lost interest. It could very well have worked out if we had continued dating.

 

Great post btw DJam.

[welikeincrowds]

I wrote this a long time ago on another board. It's how I view "taking it slow":

 

I'm not sure that I'm down with a 12 Commandments of Casual Dating. It seems antithetical. Plus yours is particularly combative in places. It's almost as if you don't see a point in taking it slow; it's funny that you would then write the rules for it.

[TheMENemy]

OP,

 

she's taking it slow because, like most women, she has other options. She's in the process of weighing those options. IOW she's juggling you with other guys.

 

If a chick likes you, she will make out with you, at least.

[daphne]

I like taking things slowly so I know what I'm getting into so I don't get too attached when he lets down his guard and I see the real person.

 

I prefer not to casually date others at hte same time. I guess I find it disrespectful to the guy because I haven't really dated many that allowed me to pay in teh early stages of dating. There's plenty of time to date others later if it doesn't work out.

 

Things will blossom, or they won't. It does require quite a bit of patience, however. Good luck.

[spiderowl]

Yes, I'm determined to take it slow in the next relationship (should there be one). I'd like to see if we naturally become good friends and find we want to spend time together. I'd also like to see whether he's interested in the real me or just a fantasy. I'd take it slow to see how serious he is about a proper relationship and not just playing around. I'm not going to invest emotionally in a guy who just wants to play and move on as I want to know there is something more to it than that.

 

If I just wanted a fling, I would go for that and not worry about taking it slow, and it would be understood between us both that that was the case. But, if I really liked a guy and saw potential for something long-lasting, I would take it slow and see if we grew together or fell apart.

 

If you are talking about the sexual aspect, the same applies. I'd want to have a good sense of how invested he was before risking such intimacy. The simple reason being is that my heart is at stake if I really like him! Also, it's tons more exciting if you know the person already and you're getting to know this other, secret aspect to them.

 

I know the above might seem contrary but it makes sense to me.

Edited November 8, 2010 by spiderowl

[carhill]

Have you ever had a casual relationship develop into something romantic?

 

Nope, never, though I have developed some great platonic friendships that way.

 

Are there certain kinds of girls out there who because of insecurity, past hurts, personality or whatever reason are more inclined to take things slow before jumping in with both feet?

 

I have known some who will *say* that, but, when the right man happens by and stirs their loins, they forget all about what they *said*. So, hence, I tend to discount what they say and watch what they do.

 

I ask because I'm in a situation where there is 'some' romance but not as much as I'm accustomed to by the end of one month

 

With romance, unlike with platonic friendships, for most people, it's either there right away or it's never there. Platonic friendships grow over time, but lust and chemistry are smack in your face from the get go.

 

Single largest mistake of the first 15 years of adulthood for myself was thinking romance grew out of friendship. LOL. What an idiot I was. Save yourself. Don't make that mistake. Hit it or quit it. Don't waffle. Don't 'friend'. You can grow the friendship while you're banging her (I usually call it 'making love', but LS has kinda hardened my sensibilities).

 

Good luck

[nice-easy-day]

Things will blossom, or they won't. It does require quite a bit of patience, however. Good luck.

 

Saying "it does require patience" is the understatement of the year. Maybe that's my problem here. I'm just not being patient enough. She has stated a couple of times that she's afraid of people being dishonest and cheating on her which leads me to believe she could have had a bad experience in the past.

 

I really have to hand it to the people who have the willpower to take things slow in a relationship. It's not easy when you have feelings for someone and are unsure if they feel the same. My defense mechanism wants to pop up and run so I don't get hurt. My mind says, "launch because she's just leading you on". Truth is, I don't know if that's the case or not.

[daphne]

Saying "it does require patience" is the understatement of the year. Maybe that's my problem here. I'm just not being patient enough. She has stated a couple of times that she's afraid of people being dishonest and cheating on her which leads me to believe she could have had a bad experience in the past.

 

I really have to hand it to the people who have the willpower to take things slow in a relationship. It's not easy when you have feelings for someone and are unsure if they feel the same. My defense mechanism wants to pop up and run so I don't get hurt. My mind says, "launch because she's just leading you on". Truth is, I don't know if that's the case or not.

 

Leads you to believe.. she's saying it out loud. Plus, going fast does not workin the long term. It ruins things.

 

It's not easy to slow yourself down when someone makes you giddy and gives you butterflies. Your hormones take over and then you have to... hold hands. What's up with that? But I prefer that route than teh crazy burn out whirlwind nonsense that never pans out and leaves you with really bitter feelings of disappointment later.

[EasyHeart]

Relationships that start fast are based on physical attraction and tend to burn out fast.

 

Relationships that develop slowly are based on emotional intimacy and tend to last.

[phineas]

Leads you to believe.. she's saying it out loud. Plus, going fast does not workin the long term. It ruins things.

 

It's not easy to slow yourself down when someone makes you giddy and gives you butterflies. Your hormones take over and then you have to... hold hands. What's up with that? But I prefer that route than teh crazy burn out whirlwind nonsense that never pans out and leaves you with really bitter feelings of disappointment later.

 

I can honestly say EVERY time a woman said she wanted to take it slow nothing ever happened & she immediately hopped into bed with some dude she just met or we finally had sex & a week later she hopped into bed with some dude she just met.

 

Their explanation when I asked them what happened to taking things slow?

It's different.

 

Translation: he was totally hot & I really wasn't attracted to you all that much, but you paid attention to me.

 

This happened 3 times to me in my early 20's & each time I agreed to take it slow & ignored all other women for them.

 

Not any more.

[deebeechrisyo]

I can honestly say EVERY time a woman said she wanted to take it slow nothing ever happened & she immediately hopped into bed with some dude she just met or we finally had sex & a week later she hopped into bed with some dude she just met.

 

Their explanation when I asked them what happened to taking things slow?

It's different.

 

Translation: he was totally hot & I really wasn't attracted to you all that much, but you paid attention to me.

 

This happened 3 times to me in my early 20's & each time I agreed to take it slow & ignored all other women for them.

 

Not any more.

 

Exactly, that has been my experience too.

[carhill]

Only three? Lucky shyte

[D-Jam]

I'm not sure that I'm down with a 12 Commandments of Casual Dating. It seems antithetical. Plus yours is particularly combative in places. It's almost as if you don't see a point in taking it slow; it's funny that you would then write the rules for it.

I don't see it as combative as I see it about "can the bull****".

 

I've met several women in my life who wanted to take it slow and see where things go. Pretty of all of them flaked out on me and vanished...only to suddenly dive in quickly with another man.

 

I was mostly irked at how they simply just decided that not taking my calls and cutting all contact without a word was somehow the "ideal" way for them to deal with things. I can partially blame the vast amount of babies out there who get all angry when a woman dares to say "I'm not feeling it with you" after a few dates, but I still think if a woman is taking it slow and not feeling it with me should just open her mouth and say it. Maybe I'm different, but I'd be fine with it and let things be.

 

I had one who wanted to take it slow, and even after a few dates she mentioned how she ran into an ex and still had feelings for him (their past breakup was because she moved away for a bit). At that point I tried to politely back away, but she kept trying to convince me not to go and that she wasn't sure yet what she wanted to do. I knew better, but I decided to be nice...only to have her suddenly vanish a week later and then see her in a RL with her ex weeks after that.

 

I've had two others who said they wanted to take it slow, but they mostly treated things as they wanted me as a backup guy to take off the shelf if they needed a man for a moment...mainly when they wanted to go out and her gal pals were all busy.

 

I've had a few who were very fearful of the word "dating" and would not even let me call it "dating"...but they still wanted to "take it slow" and even treated things like dating.

 

Had a buddy who was taking it slow with a girl, only to find out she was banging her FB behind his back...thinking that she can do this until she decides she wants to have sex with my buddy. Granted in the end she really wanted her FB as a BF, so things ended with her and my buddy.

 

On and on...and I'm sure many men have played games with women in the "taking it slow" thing. My big point is too many toss those three words out there not as a means to take time to get to know someone, but as an easy answer to hold someone off while they seek out a "bigger better deal".

 

My last girlfriend (before my current GF) wanted to take it slow, but then complained how there were no sparks or excitement in our dating...mainly because all the things one does to create sparks and excitement were were not "allowed" to do because we were "taking it slow". I know that even when I tried to be romantic, she pushed away and brought up the "taking it slow" thing...so this is not just about sex and intimacy.

 

12 Commandments of Dating or my little spiel...people need to understand that like it or not, there is NO WAY you can't just freely treat someone as a SO and yet be open and available to see and do things with other people in that sense.

 

In my book, when you take things slow with someone, then you're investing time in seeing if you and that other person are compatible for a RL. Too many men and women though treat it as a "standby" while they see if a BBD will pop up in the next month or two. I know plenty of women who did the "taking it slow" thing with a guy while pining away hoping another guy would "come around".

 

I'm not trying to villify all women...but I am saying that many women and men need to get a clue what "taking it slow" really means. I know that as a guy when I see a girl vanish on me and then is in an instant RL with some other guy, when I got the "taking it slow" song and dance, it only makes me believe the words are total BS and not to tolerate it when I get them...like when one tries to FZ the man.

 

I notice the guys who get the girls never tolerate the friendzone, taking it slow, and all the other little games. They are men of action and are strong. Even when I got stronger the women stopped handing me "maybe" and started saying "yes".

 

If I sound misogynist, then it's not my intention...but I am saying for men to stop tolerating BS and show strength. Women can claim they'll just roll their eyes and walk away, but many more have shown by their actions they'll latch on to the strength.

 

Be a gentleman and a nice guy when they show you they deserve it...that's how I think. However, I don't believe in treating women like crap when they don't deserve it...just walk away and don't waste your time or energy.

 

Simple enough.

Edited November 9, 2010 by D-Jam