Author Mystery Man Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 Thank you East! You ask about my long-term goal. Well I really think that this lady is relationship material. I know that my situation with my MW might cloud my vision a bit but this one IS a very fine woman. She's very intelligent with an impressive career yet very gentle and down to earth. "Don't rationalize too much her answers, because you are conditioning yourself in a needy way." Please elaborate! English is not my native language and I don't really "get" that sentence. The only contact I've had with her 48 hours after our date is one lousy text message. Surely that cannot be to needy? I think I'm gonna give her a call or send her an email before I leave on friday....
East7 Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 "Don't rationalize too much her answers, because you are conditioning yourself in a needy way." Please elaborate! English is not my native language and I don't really "get" that sentence. The only contact I've had with her 48 hours after our date is one lousy text message. Surely that cannot be to needy? I think I'm gonna give her a call or send her an email before I leave on friday.... I wanted to say : Don't keep yourself asking "Why" did she said that, why was she so distant etc...Bottom-line is she answered and that's all you need. Don't be needy or at least don't make yourself look needy, that's all. I don't know if you are in NC mode, but I would suggest to NOT contact her. Let her take the contact initiatives, you will feel better and she will not feel under pressure.
Author Mystery Man Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 I wanted to say : Don't keep yourself asking "Why" did she said that, why was she so distant etc...Bottom-line is she answered and that's all you need. Don't be needy or at least don't make yourself look needy, that's all. I don't know if you are in NC mode, but I would suggest to NOT contact her. Let her take the contact initiatives, you will feel better and she will not feel under pressure. Thank you my friend! I'm in NC mode now and will stay so for a couple of days!
Joobi Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 (edited) To your original post, just in case you think about going back there (you wouldn't be the first!) Just a few things to consider: If you got your 'wish' and she admitted to feelings for you, what would happen then? She would still be married and you would still be in an affair. The difference would be that you would have more hope of a future. You would be in the same situation as the countless others on these boards are or have been. Please read what they have to say about their experience. You might be one of the very few who does end up with their exAP. You might even get to be one of the even fewer who once they have this it lasts. You might not. In any case, the more that you convince yourself that there is something there, despite what she says to the contrary, the more you will believe it and the more disappointed and hurt you will be if it does not work out as in your fantasy. I don't know if, with time, your relationship would blossom into love from her or not, but while you give yourself reasons why it already has done (ie that you haev become more close recently etc), you end up believing that it already has. If it turns out that it does not, you could end up as hurt as if she had professed love for you and then done a u-turn. Finally, if she tells you she loves the marriage and her husband, then what is her stated reason for being with you? Regarding the future with the new woman: Good luck- enjoy the fun of a relationship you don't have to be secret about or have very limited time together (cause of the other person always having to get home or something) Edited December 9, 2010 by Joobi
Author Mystery Man Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 Joobi, Thanks for sharing your wisdom. If it's one thing that this new woman has made me realise it is the fact that I AM emotionally available to other women. Feels great! Bags are packed. I'm leaving in a few hours on a trip of a lifetime! I have not been in touch with my date. Three days of no contact so maybe I can senda her a text when I have landed? Not enough NC? I borrowed an old cellphone from the office. Take care all!
Author Mystery Man Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 Hey all! I had a wonderful trip to Africa! It was quite the culture shock to come home to the western world again! However, things did not go quite so well with my "fling". Called her today, no answer but I left a message saying I just want to get in touch and please call me. An hour later I got a text saying she would like to see me again but only as a friend bla bla bla and that she'll call me back tomorrow. Now I should probably give up but I wonder if it could be a wise move to see her again and show that I'm really not heartbroken and able to handle her rejection smoothly. What do you think? I also learned that my OW at work has resigned and will leave for good in three weeks. What a relief! I will go 100 percent NC from that day.
East7 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Hey all! I had a wonderful trip to Africa! It was quite the culture shock to come home to the western world again! However, things did not go quite so well with my "fling". Called her today, no answer but I left a message saying I just want to get in touch and please call me. An hour later I got a text saying she would like to see me again but only as a friend bla bla bla and that she'll call me back tomorrow. Now I should probably give up but I wonder if it could be a wise move to see her again and show that I'm really not heartbroken and able to handle her rejection smoothly. What do you think? I also learned that my OW at work has resigned and will leave for good in three weeks. What a relief! I will go 100 percent NC from that day. It's great that you are enjoying yourself Mysteryman. First of all let me tell you that traveling and changing environment, doesn't change someone's feelings, you will think about her wherever you go (life experience). Second, "being friend" is total bullsh... it is the classic way of saying "it's over!" DON'T contact her anymore as the more you will contact her the more you will be hurt and disappointed. Don't wait for her call either ! She is done with the affair and she has been a player since the beginning. If she wants to resume the fling she will let you know, don't worry about it! But it sounds that you are the only one being in love, she is not. Third, from my own experience (breaking NC with MW) and other OM here on this board, she "is back to her hubby" and even if she resume contact it will be only an ego burst, nothing more, a mere validation that someone is still dreaming about her and you will be disappointed over and over...don't go that way my friend...
Heather1 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I'm guilty of this....but OM is M too (or x, or whatever). When I got in this mess, I had no idea what the dynamics of A's were....NONE. It seemed like a relationship moving forward @ everyone's expense. Then we had to set up some rules, which is what she's done. I've been adamant from the beginning that there would be no divorces. We've had several months long NC throughout the years, mostly because I had more feelings & was breaking the rules. I've been told there would be no love either, after he said he was falling for me & I told him I loved him (once, years ago, never again). I'm always having to keep my feelings in check, because of the situation. The other side of the coin is when the OP does tell you they love you, want a future, etc. & have no intentions of doing so, which seems to happen more often. She's keeping her feelings in check & telling you to do the same. If you want more, you changed it & need to get out. My 2011 motto is "no effort" on my end. No emails, txts, calls nothing I started. FWIW, I told OM that I had a great sex life too & I was lying. He's never said anything about his, I've never asked.
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