Author Mystery Man Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 She knows where to find you. She can set up a meeting with you. Meanwhile, chat up other nice ladies. The more interactions with others, the less significant the interactions with her. The person who cares the least has the most control. Who do you want to be? You are SOOOO correct on that mate!
2sunny Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 why are you bothering? get busy with available women. she's NOT available and she's using you... you should want more for yourself than that... why don't you? have you considered counseling to see why you have set the standard for yourself so low? why you would short change your happiness?
Author Mystery Man Posted November 11, 2010 Author Posted November 11, 2010 why are you bothering? get busy with available women. she's NOT available and she's using you... you should want more for yourself than that... why don't you? have you considered counseling to see why you have set the standard for yourself so low? why you would short change your happiness? I agree. I should go NC with her but since we work so close it's just not possible. We literally sit next to each other at the office.
2sunny Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I agree. I should go NC with her but since we work so close it's just not possible. We literally sit next to each other at the office. it's not the only job in the world... get a new job. consider moving out of the area - a fresh start and an opportunity to see a new town/city and meet new people!
blizzard Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Also, the really good news for the OP is that the woman in question has been quite clear. She's not ambivalent about her M, not using the OP as an emotional or sexual 'hole' to fill up the things painfully absent in her M. She likes her M and she likes that the OP is in her life. That's really good information. The dangerous ones are the ambivalent ones, the 'maybe me and you baby' ones. Hope the OP can value the clarity of this dynamic and act accordingly so very, VERY true.
2sure Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 I can tell you this, for SURE: It doesnt matter how many other available women you date...you will not find one you like while you are still involved in this affair. Thats just the way it works.
lkjh Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Thank you so much for your thoughts. No what I wanted to hear but still..... On an intellectual level I agree with you....she's just along for the attention. But still.... For the first months she maintained that she'd ever cheat on her husband and resisted all my attempts at getting closer to her. But gradually she let her guard down. This has made me hope that there might be "true" feelings from her side. If I choose to ignore your advice (I'm not saying I will since I'm afraid you're right) what could I do to "win her over"? Short of telling her husband- I'd never intefere with her life in that way. I've always heard people say that if you truly love someone you don't cheat on them? You already interfered in her life "in that way". You said it yourself, you chased her till she gave in, you banged someone else's wife and now you want to take her from her family. Be a man and tell her H what has happened.
2sunny Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 just step away. get out while you can- because it will become so much more complicated than it is now if you stay. in order to find someone who is available - you must have an open mindset to that possibility - and it will never happen while you are attached in any way to the MW. she is unavailable to you. yet she will keep you around to serve her own selfish needs. what about you? think of yourself and what YOU deserve... which ultimately isn't best to attach yourself to an unavailable woman.
Author Mystery Man Posted November 15, 2010 Author Posted November 15, 2010 Thanks for your thoughts. 2Sunny, you're probalby right in that I won't be able to find someone else while in this situation. In fact, this week I've interacted with two perfectly fine, available women. My old self would have asked them out. But now I just walked away without even trying.
East7 Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 In fact, this week I've interacted with two perfectly fine, available women. My old self would have asked them out. But now I just walked away without even trying. Such a waste ! I have been through that mate. Meeting other women and being in love and thinking about MW. It's a mind poison, I was upset with myself. But now I go out with other young women, enjoy fun with them and I feel really powerful and love my new self 2sunny is perfectly right, it is not about your availability to go out, you can always find the time, it's about emotional availability. You are not available in your head. Believe me, try to see/date other woman and you will 'discover' that there are plenty of wonderful available other women out there, at least as smart, hot and pretty as your MW. Its such an ego burst to free yourself from MW addiction, become more selfish and ignore the MW; she has nothing to offer, she is just using you for her selfish needs, she doesn't care about your needs and happiness.
Katharin Clifton Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 I am sorry to hear that you are hurting. Be comforted in the knowledge that you will find sincere and well-meaning advice here. I know I have. Did it ever occur to you that getting yourself involved with a married woman would be a bad idea? I guess perhaps you couldn't help yourself. Feelings can cloud our judgement at times... What thought were running through your mind in the early stages of your affair? Did you ever think about getting out of it at any point? Did you actually envision a future with her? I'm asking these questions in order to understand your situationa little better. Hang in there!
Author Mystery Man Posted November 15, 2010 Author Posted November 15, 2010 I am sorry to hear that you are hurting. Be comforted in the knowledge that you will find sincere and well-meaning advice here. I know I have. Did it ever occur to you that getting yourself involved with a married woman would be a bad idea? I guess perhaps you couldn't help yourself. Feelings can cloud our judgement at times... What thought were running through your mind in the early stages of your affair? Did you ever think about getting out of it at any point? Did you actually envision a future with her? I'm asking these questions in order to understand your situationa little better. Hang in there! Bless you! Well it's actually kind of hard to remember....everything seems a bit blurry now. I remember feeling instant attraction to her the second I saw her. She's just my typ I guess. She claim thet her first impression of me was that I'm "dangerous". What that means I still don't know. We worked in differnet teams for a year. Then I transferred and sat at the desk next to her. In the beginning it seemed so innocent. Eye contact....a copule of hugs....a flirty email or two. But in the following months the hugs became longer. I could go to my desk and find a napkin with her lipstick on it. In the beginning she was very agressive in a feminine way...but when my attraction to her went through the roof I took charge. Kisses on her neck led to small pecks on her mouth.... For the first two months I wasn't allowed to kiss her but then she accepted it...and the kisses led to hot make out sessions...until one glorious early summer night when we made love..... See? It was so gradual thet once I realised what was happening I was so infatuated I couldn't stop myself. Nor did I want to. After all, I was single and had feelings for her so why not test her boundaries? She claims this is all my "fault". But the truth is she initiated it and she said "no" in a way that meant "Yes, but all the blame is on you". She really is a very special woman. Sweet, funny, sexy, innocent but a real nympho at the same time....she shows me tons of affection and makes me feel masculine... I don't thin I envisioned a future with her at that stage. I was just so attracted to her that my mind went blank. Now I want a future with her though.
maravilla Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 Bless you! she shows me tons of affection and makes me feel masculine... Wow this is exactly what my MM told me, the fact that I'm so into him and always show him affection makes him feel masculine. For MM and me, I think the relationship was built a lot on how we each made each other feel about ourselves. It often seems to me that most affairs are that way. *I have to remember to say xMM, LOL
East7 Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 She tells me she loves her husband and that they have a great sex life. That she’s not going to leave him. + Also, the really good news for the OP is that the woman in question has been quite clear. She's not ambivalent about her M, not using the OP as an emotional or sexual 'hole' to fill up the things painfully absent in her M. + Now I want a future with her though. There is no blindest person that the one who doesn't want to see. Good luck.
Author Mystery Man Posted November 15, 2010 Author Posted November 15, 2010 + + There is no blindest person that the one who doesn't want to see. Good luck. Yes, but thanks to grat people like you the veil may be slowly lifted from my eyes. I was actually a good boy at work today. Hardly gave her any attention at all....
inthagong Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Get some self restepct and self worth, piss her off and move on.... What if she does leave hubby for you. Whos not saying she wont cheat on you too..... I dont think she will leave her hubby and family.... At the end of the day, your a human being and deserve respect, shes not giving you that, she can't have her cake and eat it too... Take care and remember there are plenty of fish in the sea mate!!
Author Mystery Man Posted December 5, 2010 Author Posted December 5, 2010 Well...sometimes life has it's surprises! I actually found a woman that intrigues me. Let's see if I cen pull this through! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t256121/
spice4life Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 Good for you mystery man and good luck with her! Will you have access to email? If so, use it to keep your line of communication open with her. I hope it works out.
Author Mystery Man Posted December 5, 2010 Author Posted December 5, 2010 Good for you mystery man and good luck with her! Will you have access to email? If so, use it to keep your line of communication open with her. I hope it works out. Thanks! Normally I shun internet cafés while on vacation but I guess I have to reconsider!
carhill Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 I posted in your other thread. Personally, at this stage, I'd focus on methods which show effort, as well as maintain a bit of mystery and intrigue. A laptop at an internet cafe says 'city'. Africa is about the bush, the jungle, hunting big and rare game with a camera and living in the same clothes for a week. Bring the 'taste' of Africa to your interactions. Bring back some batik and shona or send her a nice, small present during your trip of some native art. Be creative
MorningCoffee Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 One suggestion -- yes, it went well (I read your other thread) and you really like her a lot -- now, while you're gone and communicating long distance, don't make the mistake of gushing overly much -- that'd perhaps prompt second thoughts in her and maybe scare her off. . . good luck!
spice4life Posted December 5, 2010 Posted December 5, 2010 (edited) Thanks! Normally I shun internet cafés while on vacation but I guess I have to reconsider! The occasional email mixed in with carhill's suggestions would come across very romantic. A nice hand written sent from a far is nice as well. She will be impressed that you took the time to sit down and write it too. It say's, "I am thinking of you." It also shows that you think she is worth the effort. I also agree with carhill that you should keep the mystery, so don't over do it (which I'm sure you already know). Good luck! It's so nice to hear a positive story. Edited December 5, 2010 by spice4life
Author Mystery Man Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 Thank's a lot for your support!
Author Mystery Man Posted December 6, 2010 Author Posted December 6, 2010 Hmmm.... I sent her a text this morning thanking her for a nice evening. Wrote thet I'd love to do it again. Took her eight hours to reply and then she just said "Thanks a lot, I hope you'll have a great time in Africa". Kinda short dont you think? I feel like a little girl overanalyzing things...but I've been out of the loop for so long! I hate dating and these stupid games!
East7 Posted December 6, 2010 Posted December 6, 2010 I posted in your other thread. Personally, at this stage, I'd focus on methods which show effort, as well as maintain a bit of mystery and intrigue. A laptop at an internet cafe says 'city'. Africa is about the bush, the jungle, hunting big and rare game with a camera and living in the same clothes for a week. Bring the 'taste' of Africa to your interactions. Bring back some batik and shona or send her a nice, small present during your trip of some native art. Be creative Hmmm.... I sent her a text this morning thanking her for a nice evening. Wrote thet I'd love to do it again. Took her eight hours to reply and then she just said "Thanks a lot, I hope you'll have a great time in Africa". Kinda short dont you think? I feel like a little girl overanalyzing things...but I've been out of the loop for so long! I hate dating and these stupid games! Don't rationalize too much her answers, because you are conditioning yourself in a needy way. Carhill gave a very wise advice to keep "the fire burning" - Absolute NC is like death, you go out of someone's life for good even if no one really forgets the other (you and her both). Now I would like to ask : What is your long term goal ? If you dream to have this woman and develop a kind of romantic story, why not, you can maintain the mystery for years. Meanwhile, don't forget to live for yourself. Consider her like a "stand-by relationship" not like your main one. She has a life that is her priority, so don't make her your priority, she is just an option.
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