New here and in a total mess!

[Mystery Man]

i all,

Thought I’d register here since it seems I’ll be stuck in this OM mess for a while….

 

Here’s my story.

 

In january I got a new colleague. A 35 year old married woman (I’m 40 btw) with two kids aged 2 and 5. Been married for 13 years. Now, before you yell at me for having an affair at work that’s not an issue in my company.

 

Anyhow. We work very closely together and the more I got to know here the more attracted I became. She’s simply a very fine and warm hearted person and also very beautiful. She started to flirt with me. At first it was quite innocent.

 

Over the summer things got way out of hand. My feelings for kept growing and I became much more aggressive in how I approached her. Hugs gave ways to kisses, kisses became hot make-out sessions….and then one day we had sex when we were alone in the office. We send each other emails and texts, gaze deeply into each others eyes…pretty much everything passionate couples do practicaly every day.

 

She tells me she loves her husband and that they have a great sex life. That she’s not going to leave him.

 

However, all her body language and actions towards me would make anyone believe that she’s got feelings for me too. We send a lot of texts and mail almost daily (except weekends) and make out several times per week since we are often alone at work.

 

This week she ended up in my apartment under the pretense that she’d just be over for a coffee. "Sure, I thought" and of course we ended up in bed. She even let my take some nude pictures of her! That's how much she trusts me.

 

Now I feel terribly sad and confused.

 

This has been going on now for almost a year and has progressed in an almost linear fashion.

 

I have VERY strong feelings for her and although I date other women they just don’t compare.

 

I admit that I’ve been VERY agressive in my "pursuit" of her but she’s also been active in a female, passive way. She says she won’t leave her husband and that she’s not in love with me but the way she looks at me, touch me, and kiss me gives a whole different message.

 

So what can I expect? Am I just a source of validation? A toy?

 

Should I continue to pursue or is it time to look for another job?

 

After we had sex in my home my feelings for her have grown even more and if she knocked on my door with her kids in tow I’d happily marry her. But is there any hope?

 

I’ve had lots of women in my life. If I come across as naive and unexpeienced in this post that’s not true. I’m just so confused and sad….This situation is so different. Why would she risk her marriage if she's not that into me? Wha all the mixed signals?

 

Before we ended up this way she diclosed a lot of information about her past and I have no reason to believe she's been cheating before.

 

Thank you for your thoughts!

[woinlove]

After a year, I'd see no reason not to believe her when she says she doesn't love you and won't leave her husband. The looks and behavior you describe suggest she really likes how you make her feel and is enjoying the sex and romance, and probably enjoying having two men in love with her. But, it doesn't sound like she has given you any suggestion, in words or behavior, that she would like to share her life with you in an exclusive relationship. Nothing you have written suggests that is likely to change.

[Mystery Man]

After a year, I'd see no reason not to believe her when she says she doesn't love you and won't leave her husband. The looks and behavior you describe suggest she really likes how you make her feel and is enjoying the sex and romance, and probably enjoying having two men in love with her. But, it doesn't sound like she has given you any suggestion, in words or behavior, that she would like to share her life with you in an exclusive relationship. Nothing you have written suggests that is likely to change.

 

True....but things it's not been like this for a year. Things got really intimate like four months ago and I feel that she's slooooowly getting closer to me.

 

Or maybe that's just wishful thinking.

 

Thank's for your thoughtd though!

[spice4life]

Hi mystery man and welcome to the boards.

 

A few things stood out to me in your post that you may want to think about. The first being that she keeps telling you that she loves her H and will not leave him, yet she willingly got involved with you? Have you ever stopped and asked yourself why? Why would she get involved with you if everything is good at home? This an important question because the answer points to her as a person as opposed to the M.

 

You mentioned that you would willingly marry her if she showed up at your door, but the truth is, would you be able to trust her? If she got involved with you even though she is in love with her H, would she end up doing the same thing to you? It's one thing to be unhappy in a M and it is another to be happy yet still cheat. Unless she has an open M, which it sounds like she doesn't, it makes no sense if you really think about it. I'm not trying to be harsh, but these are some serious questions you need to ask yourself.

 

If you are serious about how you feel then you need to put aside your feelings and try to find out the answers to these questions.

 

If I were you I would tell her that you need some answers. Tell her that your feelings are getting the way and you are starting to want more from her and you need to know how she feels. If by some chance she feels the same then you need to find out the answers to the questions I mentioned above. You don't want to end up in a situation where she does the same thing to you that she is doing to her H. As a matter of fact, you would be doing her a huge favor by forcing her to look at why she strayed if she is happy with her H.

 

If she doesn't feel the same then it is probably time for you to move on before you get in too deep or worse yet, end up in a D-Day situation.

 

Just some thoughts. Hope it helps.

Edited November 7, 2010 by spice4life

[East7]

 

She tells me she loves her husband and that they have a great sex life. .

 

Probably BIG LIE. If she was so happy with her H she wouldn't need another man. She just wants to kill your hopes and put her boundaries. Its a "coded message" to say: don't even think of more than what we have!

 

However, all her body language and actions towards me would make anyone believe that she’s got feelings for me too. We send a lot of texts and mail almost daily (except weekends) and make out several times per week since we are often alone at work.

She feels good to test and validate her seduction power, that's all ! It is a kind of addiction like gambling, the more she "wins" the more she "plays"

 

I have VERY strong feelings for her and although I date other women they just don’t compare.

Probably because the others don't try so hard to seduce you.

 

 

I admit that I’ve been VERY agressive in my "pursuit" of her but she’s also been active in a female, passive way. She says she won’t leave her husband and that she’s not in love with me but the way she looks at me, touch me, and kiss me gives a whole different message.

 

So what can I expect? Am I just a source of validation? A toy?

YES. When she says she will not leave her H, believe her.

 

 

After we had sex in my home my feelings for her have grown even more and if she knocked on my door with her kids in tow I’d happily marry her. But is there any hope?

Sweet fantasy.

 

I’ve had lots of women in my life. If I come across as naive and unexpeienced in this post that’s not true. I’m just so confused and sad….This situation is so different. Why would she risk her marriage if she's not that into me? Wha all the mixed signals?

Even experienced people may fall in love. BTW your experience is, I guess, based on single partners. Her signals are not mixed, she is getting what she wants, hot sex and she is not looking for a relationship other than an A.

 

One day she will be done with her "validation", done with you and you will suffer. Before it happens, take good actions, break-up and tell her to go have a D if she wants to go on with you.

[carhill]

OP, she'll just replace you with another orbiter if you push back or she tires of you. It's a psychology certain women have.

 

If you cannot process this in the realm of pure validation and sex without emotions, end it now. Trust me, she will be *fine*. They always are. You were a nice flower on the side of the road. Looks like they hydroseeded this year. On to the next one.

 

Welcome to LS

[whichwayisup]

You have a case of wishful thinking and your emotions are clouding reality.

 

To you, she's more. You love her, care for her, bonded with her, and want more.

 

To her, you're the OM, having an affair. You provide her hot sex, ego feeds, and yes, she probably does care for you, maybe even loves you as well. But!

 

She tells me she loves her husband and that they have a great sex life. That she’s not going to leave him.

 

BELIEVE HER! Believe these words.

There is no future between you two, except you staying as the OM in her life.

She is having her cake and eating it too. It's that simple.

 

Try to take a step back, do some reading in this section and in the infidelity section as well. Maybe getting different perspectives might help you see that this IS going to end with you getting hurt, let alone a possible DDay (discovery day of affair) and then the crap hits the fan.

 

Please try to distance yourself, detach and ask yourself why you want a woman who has no plans on leaving her H to be with you. Don't you want more? A family of your own, a wife, a house? It won't be with this woman, that is a fact.

[carhill]

Also, the really good news for the OP is that the woman in question has been quite clear. She's not ambivalent about her M, not using the OP as an emotional or sexual 'hole' to fill up the things painfully absent in her M. She likes her M and she likes that the OP is in her life. That's really good information. The dangerous ones are the ambivalent ones, the 'maybe me and you baby' ones.

 

Hope the OP can value the clarity of this dynamic and act accordingly

[MorningCoffee]

Also, the really good news for the OP is that the woman in question has been quite clear. She's not ambivalent about her M, not using the OP as an emotional or sexual 'hole' to fill up the things painfully absent in her M. She likes her M and she likes that the OP is in her life. That's really good information. The dangerous ones are the ambivalent ones, the 'maybe me and you baby' ones.

 

Hope the OP can value the clarity of this dynamic and act accordingly

 

I agree with Carhill. If my ex-AP/MW hadn't been so seductively ambivalent, indecisive, and sent me mixed signals, I think I doubt I'd have gotten involved. It was the 'maybe there's a future for us' message that pulled me in till I was hooked, and the moving on has been awfully difficult. Months later the occasional contact has shown me she still does not know what she wants.

 

OP, YOU have been given a clear message. She wants a strictly 'no strings attached' relationship. But it sounds from your words as if you are already past that.

 

Step back -- listen to what she is telling you and believe it!

 

Even the unhappy but ambivalent ones seldom leave the security, familiarity, and lifestyle of their marriage. Your AP/MW is telling you straight up that she isn't going anywhere.

[spice4life]

You are getting some really good advice mystery man. The other posters are making very valid points. If she is still saying she loves her H and is not leaving her M then the choice is basically yours. You can stay involved knowing she is just a "cake eater" or you can move on and find someone who is fully available. Staying involved is going to be tough though because you have fallen for her. You might want to ask yourself why you have fallen. Is it because she is a challenge emotionally?

[lkjh]

This is not the first time she has cheated and it won't be the last. She is a cake eater and you are her toy. Save her H some trouble and tell him what his wife has been up to

[YellowShark]

If you cannot process this in the realm of pure validation and sex without emotions, end it now. Trust me, she will be *fine*. They always are. You were a nice flower on the side of the road.

 

What he said.

[Mystery Man]

Thank you so much for your thoughts.

 

No what I wanted to hear but still.....

 

On an intellectual level I agree with you....she's just along for the attention. But still....

 

For the first months she maintained that she'd ever cheat on her husband and resisted all my attempts at getting closer to her. But gradually she let her guard down.

 

This has made me hope that there might be "true" feelings from her side.

 

If I choose to ignore your advice (I'm not saying I will since I'm afraid you're right) what could I do to "win her over"?

 

Short of telling her husband- I'd never intefere with her life in that way.

 

I've always heard people say that if you truly love someone you don't cheat on them?

[woinlove]

I've always heard people say that if you truly love someone you don't cheat on them?

 

Different people are capable of different depths of love. Someone who cheats with someone they say they don't love, while saying they will never leave their spouse, probably has significant limitations to how much love they can give to others.

[Minnie09]

Different people are capable of different depths of love. Someone who cheats with someone they say they don't love, while saying they will never leave their spouse, probably has significant limitations to how much love they can give to others.

 

Or, they just really enjoy being the one in power and showing it. It can be a huge turn-on for a woman to be wanted and chased, and at the same time act like the innocent married woman, who protects her family and wouldn't let anything destroy it. Maybe she just likes the game. It's a huge ego-boost for her to say "no" officially, and still get everything she wants from both men simultaneously. She is the one who withdraws emotionally, refuses to change anything, refuses to ever commit to the OP, shows all of that openly, and STILL gets her cake. That's what I call an addictive situation.

[mitchell]

How is the sex?

 

Is she the agressor taking control of things, or does she lay there and let you do all the work to be the source of her pleasure? This woman is filling a void in her life with your attention. I doubt her sex life at home is as great as she states.

[Mystery Man]

How is the sex?

 

Is she the agressor taking control of things, or does she lay there and let you do all the work to be the source of her pleasure? This woman is filling a void in her life with your attention. I doubt her sex life at home is as great as she states.

 

The sex is amazing. She's even more eager to please me then I'm eager to please her. She's always letting me do the initiation, but after that she's really into it.

 

Thank's a lot for your replies. Seems I've got a world of hurt before me.

 

NO ONE of our co-workers would ever believe thet she's cheating on her husband. She's really an icon of trust and innocense.

 

I just can't get her "personality puzzle" together.

 

If anyone else have something to add please do! This is really helping me to sort my thoughts and options.

[carhill]

You can't hurt if you don't feel anything. Compartmentalize the sex and live in the moment. Date someone else, casually. If such pursuits prove fruitful, cut her off. Like I said prior, she won't mind nor be hurt. She's happy in her M

[spice4life]

"I can't get her 'personality puzzle' together."

 

That is precisely why you are hooked. She is the ultimate challenge for you. And the fact that you have slowly broken her down over time has gotten you intrigued even more. You want to see if you take this all the way to the finish line. The question is it worth it to keep trying knowing what is possibly ahead for you.

 

Here is

[fooled once]

You have a case of wishful thinking and your emotions are clouding reality.

 

To you, she's more. You love her, care for her, bonded with her, and want more.

 

To her, you're the OM, having an affair. You provide her hot sex, ego feeds, and yes, she probably does care for you, maybe even loves you as well. But!

 

BELIEVE HER! Believe these words.

There is no future between you two, except you staying as the OM in her life.

She is having her cake and eating it too. It's that simple.

 

Try to take a step back, do some reading in this section and in the infidelity section as well. Maybe getting different perspectives might help you see that this IS going to end with you getting hurt, let alone a possible DDay (discovery day of affair) and then the crap hits the fan.

 

Please try to distance yourself, detach and ask yourself why you want a woman who has no plans on leaving her H to be with you. Don't you want more? A family of your own, a wife, a house? It won't be with this woman, that is a fact.

 

agree

 

Thank you so much for your thoughts.

 

No what I wanted to hear but still.....

 

On an intellectual level I agree with you....she's just along for the attention. But still....

 

For the first months she maintained that she'd ever cheat on her husband and resisted all my attempts at getting closer to her. But gradually she let her guard down.

 

This has made me hope that there might be "true" feelings from her side.

 

If I choose to ignore your advice (I'm not saying I will since I'm afraid you're right) what could I do to "win her over"?

 

Short of telling her husband- I'd never intefere with her life in that way.

 

I've always heard people say that if you truly love someone you don't cheat on them?

 

Win her over? get that thought out of your head. OR go tell her H.

 

If you are okay being the OM, just enjoy it. But don't think there is a future. There isn't. She is enjoying you and the fantasy, but she has told you she is staying married.

 

Maybe her sex life at home IS good.

 

Maybe she is taking what you two do and doing it with her H.

 

The point is - accept what it is - an affair. To think you will be married to her & raising her children is not reality - IMHO.

[2sunny]

she's a cake eater. you are her prey.

 

for her - it''s an ego feed... at your expense.

 

is that what you choose for yourself? i hope you want more than that for yourself... you deserve more.

[Mystery Man]

You can't hurt if you don't feel anything. Compartmentalize the sex and live in the moment. Date someone else, casually. If such pursuits prove fruitful, cut her off. Like I said prior, she won't mind nor be hurt. She's happy in her M

 

I like your thoughts Carhill!

 

Maybe I'll cope if we don't meet up for sex too often...once a month or so.

 

And Spice4life, you are correct. I do want something else and think I deserve it too. Problem is that other women don't quite measeure up ATM.

 

"And the fact that you have slowly broken her down over time has gotten you intrigued even more."

 

Those words are probably spot on!

[2sunny]

the only reason you haven't found another gal is that you are allowing your MW to occupy too much mental and emotional space for yourself.

 

 

get detached - stay detached... and start moving forward. she's doing all there is for HERSELF to be happy - it's time for YOU to take care of YOUR best interests now.

 

stop having the sex - you have gotten to emotionally connected with the sex and mental energy you are wasting on a woman that is using you... and has only her best interest in mind.

[Mystery Man]

Blech!

 

She was really cold and distant at work today.

And I think I made it even worse by trying to chase her around and set up a new "meeting" with her.

 

Trying hard to stay cool now!

 

Thank you so much for your support. It helps a lot!

[carhill]

She knows where to find you. She can set up a meeting with you. Meanwhile, chat up other nice ladies. The more interactions with others, the less significant the interactions with her. The person who cares the least has the most control. Who do you want to be?