Do you play games when dating?

November 7, 2010

I've been reading some dating self help books recently. Have always know about the concept of playing hard to get but never exactly how to play it.And then i found what it teaches you in this book"The Rules"

-always be the first to end a date;

-dont extend the date;

-no date arrangement on weekends after wednesday;

-dont sleep with him during the first three dates;

i can go on with more but you get the idea-they all share the same spirit of making him think you have a life(even when you dont) and you are not needy or clingy.There were a few times i was like"wow, i should have done that ,no wonder he..." or" cant believe i did that, that's so against the rules.." But after finished the whole book,i couldnt help but wondering if i'm to follow each and single rule written in there unmistakably in each occasion,how can i be sure that the guy fall in love with me not those bunch of rules i play? I've always think if you cant even be yourself, what is the point of being with someone?If they are the ones for us, shouldnt they like us for who we are no matter what?

That also remind me of another book i once read called"Why men marry bitches" where i recalled principles like dont always agree with a man;dont react too emotionally etc..It is a good book but still if i have to play by those principles instead of following my gut reaction in certain situations,wouldnt that be a little manipulative and all are just to get a guy more interested?

Girls,do you play those games? What games do you play?Guys,how do you think about those games?Can you tell if they are playing?I have a guy friend who said the minute the women talk about other guys to him, he knows they like him..Maybe you should take some time to read those books and let us women know you take on them. And anyone who's enjoying a happy and successful relationship,what are your serects?

November 7, 2010

All of those books should be put into giant piles and burned -- especially "The Rules". No man likes a Rules Girl.

The common theme in all books like that is that they are try to teach women how to PRETEND to have self-esteem. Unfortunately, that's not something you can fake for long. If this is a problem for you, I think a woman's (and a man's) time is better spent working on developing real self-esteem instead of memorizing a bunch of 'rules' to trick people.

Once you're a healthy, autonomous individual you'll find that you don't need anyone to teach you how to pretend to be a healthy person. You'll just be one.

November 7, 2010

Most men hate it when you women play those stupid hard to get games. And if a woman did that with me I'd move on. If a woman was really intrested she wouldn't play games This whole men like the chase and men like it when women play hard to get is a myth. Most of us don't like it... Admit it, You women play games like that for your own enjoyment not because you think the guy will like it.

November 7, 2010

Ok, here's a few principles i somehow have doubts about..typed them up as follows:

-The magic formula is to give a little..and then pull back.Give a little...and then pull back;

-When a women is trying too hard,a man will usually try to test to see how hard she's willing to work for it.He'll start throwing relationship frisbees,just to see how hard she'll run and how high she'll jump;

-Dont even mention the word "commitment".That's the whole trick.The less you say about it, the closer you are to getting one;

-There's nothing more prized to a man than something he had to wait for,work for,or struggle a little bit to get;

-You want to figure out his pattern, but dont let him figure out yours

-Dont be too blunt,obvious,or available that you come across as having already made up your mind about the guy

-The more rational and calm you remain,the more emotional he will become

-When you arent mind-blown after sex,he'll start looking at you differently and will start wanting to secure a relationship with you.

-If a man really cares,he feels vulnerable.That's when he needs a protective shield the most and that's when he'll often behave more coolly

Any comments, guys?

November 7, 2010

I've been reading some dating self help books recently. Have always know about the concept of playing hard to get but never exactly how to play it.And then i found what it teaches you in this book"The Rules"
-always be the first to end a date;
-dont extend the date;
-no date arrangement on weekends after wednesday;
-dont sleep with him during the first three dates;

i can go on with more but you get the idea-they all share the same spirit of making him think you have a life(even when you dont) and you are not needy or clingy.There were a few times i was like"wow, i should have done that ,no wonder he..." or" cant believe i did that, that's so against the rules.." But after finished the whole book,i couldnt help but wondering if i'm to follow each and single rule written in there unmistakably in each occasion,how can i be sure that the guy fall in love with me not those bunch of rules i play? I've always think if you cant even be yourself, what is the point of being with someone?If they are the ones for us, shouldnt they like us for who we are no matter what?

That also remind me of another book i once read called"Why men marry bitches" where i recalled principles like dont always agree with a man;dont react too emotionally etc..It is a good book but still if i have to play by those principles instead of following my gut reaction in certain situations,wouldnt that be a little manipulative and all are just to get a guy more interested?

Girls,do you play those games? What games do you play?Guys,how do you think about those games?Can you tell if they are playing?I have a guy friend who said the minute the women talk about other guys to him, he knows they like him..Maybe you should take some time to read those books and let us women know you take on them. And anyone who's enjoying a happy and successful relationship,what are your serects?

I think there are ways you can flirt with a woman to draw her interest without playing silly games where you are withholding time and interest from a woman.

A man knows if a woman doesn't sleep with him on the first three dates, she's probably not interested in him.

November 7, 2010

When a women is trying too hard,a man will usually try to test to see how hard she's willing to work for it.He'll start throwing relationship frisbees,just to see how hard she'll run and how high she'll jump;

No, is that a joke or something? That's exactly what women do to men. They want to make the man jump through hoops to get them. Isn't that what all your game playing is about? Playing hard to get and making the man work for it.

November 7, 2010

Ok, here's a few principles i somehow have doubts about..typed them up as follows:

-The magic formula is to give a little..and then pull back.Give a little...and then pull back;
-When a women is trying too hard,a man will usually try to test to see how hard she's willing to work for it.He'll start throwing relationship frisbees,just to see how hard she'll run and how high she'll jump;
-Dont even mention the word "commitment".That's the whole trick.The less you say about it, the closer you are to getting one;
-There's nothing more prized to a man than something he had to wait for,work for,or struggle a little bit to get;
-You want to figure out his pattern, but dont let him figure out yours
-Dont be too blunt,obvious,or available that you come across as having already made up your mind about the guy
-The more rational and calm you remain,the more emotional he will become
-When you arent mind-blown after sex,he'll start looking at you differently and will start wanting to secure a relationship with you.
-If a man really cares,he feels vulnerable.That's when he needs a protective shield the most and that's when he'll often behave more coolly

Any comments, guys?

That list is a good example of treating symptoms instead of the underlying problem.

There are plenty of women (and they abound in this forum) who are insecure and have low self-esteem, so they throw themselves at men and fall madly in love with people they just met. They come across as desperate and needy because they need to obtain validation from other people (especially men) because they don't have the internal validation that emotionally healthy people have. It's a real problem. But it's not going to change my memorizing a bunch of rules or techniques for tricking other people into thinking you're emotionally healthy. It's only going to change when you address the fundamental underlying problem -- low self-esteem --- and once you do that, you'll laugh at these lists because it would never even cross your mind to do the things like barrage a man with phone calls, talk about marriage on the third date, sit by the phone wondering why he won't call, over-thinking every little thing he said and did, etc.

Emotionally healthy people don't play games because they don't have to!!!

I think it's great that people want to learn and improve themselves, but these pop psychology books aren't going to help most people. Stick to the classics, like The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, The Psychology of Romantic Love, Real Love and How to be an Adult in Relationships. They're not as 'cute' as the bestsellers, and they're a lot harder to read, but you'll actually learn a lot more than just a memorizing a bunch of stupid lists.

November 7, 2010

That list is a good example of treating symptoms instead of the underlying problem.

There are plenty of women (and they abound in this forum) who are insecure and have low self-esteem, so they throw themselves at men and fall madly in love with people they just met.

-That sounds harsh! You are being judgemental:sick: Have you had bad experience with women like that yourself or what?

They come across as desperate and needy because they need to obtain validation from other people (especially men) because they don't have the internal validation that emotionally healthy people have. It's a real problem. But it's not going to change my memorizing a bunch of rules or techniques for tricking other people into thinking you're emotionally healthy. It's only going to change when you address the fundamental underlying problem -- low self-esteem --- and once you do that, you'll laugh at these lists because it would never even cross your mind to do the things like barrage a man with phone calls, talk about marriage on the third date, sit by the phone wondering why he won't call, over-thinking every little thing he said and did, etc.

Emotionally healthy people don't play games because they don't have to!!!

You read too much into this..there comes a time when anyone can feel a little insecure...

November 7, 2010

I meant to follow those rules. I really did! But then I messaged her every day, talked on msn all the time, told her I liked her after our first date (on which we didn't kiss), and became a couple after the second date. Lol. I kinda laugh at those rules, they shouldn't form a guideline! And if they do, you probably picked the wrong person to date.

November 7, 2010

I meant to follow those rules. I really did! But then I messaged her every day, talked on msn all the time, told her I liked her after our first date (on which we didn't kiss), and became a couple after the second date. Lol. I kinda laugh at those rules, they shouldn't form a guideline! And if they do, you probably picked the wrong person to date.

Those rules where only mean't to be followed by women. Not that I think women should play those games either. But it's women who write those books for women. Because women enjoy playing games with men.

November 7, 2010

I meant to follow those rules. I really did! But then I messaged her every day, talked on msn all the time, told her I liked her after our first date (on which we didn't kiss), and became a couple after the second date. Lol. I kinda laugh at those rules, they shouldn't form a guideline! And if they do, you probably picked the wrong person to date.

What do you mean by becoming a couple after the second date?How do you know if you are a couple?It would be so easy to date a guy who doesnt play games!So for guys, when you really like a person, you dont play games?I'm interested in knowing the games guys play.Mind to share any of them here?

November 7, 2010

Those rules where only mean't to be followed by women. Not that I think women should play those games either. But it's women who write those books for women. Because women enjoy playing games with men.

Just wonder if any of those rules can work...it helps to research among guys and see their opinions on them

November 7, 2010

I meant to follow those rules. I really did! But then I messaged her every day, talked on msn all the time, told her I liked her after our first date (on which we didn't kiss), and became a couple after the second date. Lol. I kinda laugh at those rules, they shouldn't form a guideline! And if they do, you probably picked the wrong person to date.

And i suppose you two are still going strong? wow,there you go;)

November 7, 2010

This whole men like the chase and men like it when women play hard to get is a myth. Most of us don't like it

Second that.

November 7, 2010

-That sounds harsh! You are being judgemental Have you had bad experience with women like that yourself or what?

No, I'm dealing with reality. (And of course, I'm not singling out women -- plenty of men do the exact same thing). Why do you think people make a fortune writing those ridiculous books you're citing?

You read too much into this..there comes a time when anyone can feel a little insecure...

No, there really isn't.

Edited November 7, 2010 by EasyHeart

November 7, 2010

Going strong indeed! 7 months in now. We were each others firsts. I did research for ages though (been member of LS for ages now:p) so even tho I'd read all the advice it kinda flew out the window

She broke the rules too I think. Stayed up talking to me till 2am, initiating a lot of texts / calls etc. I guess we just knew we wanted to be together after that second date. The first kiss was electrifying for us both. It was a bit awkward but we laughed it off together. I think laughter is very important in relationships!

I'm happy she didn't have more experience or read the game rulebooks because I think folllowing your instincts is the best! Also she knew me for a few years(not super close though) and our families were friends so I think it helped with the trust.

November 7, 2010

No, I'm dealing with reality. (And of course, I'm not singling out women -- plenty of men do the exact same thing). Why do you think people make a fortune writing those ridiculous books you're citing?

-Because sometimes some people like challenges and the thrill of the chase,and they wont settle for what they can easily have. Sadly that's how our human mind works sometimes:mad:

No, there really isn't.

-You've never been insecure in a relationship?Or maybe you've never cared enough or as much as the others have..

November 7, 2010

What do you mean by becoming a couple after the second date?How do you know if you are a couple?It would be so easy to date a guy who doesnt play games!So for guys, when you really like a person, you dont play games?I'm interested in knowing the games guys play.Mind to share any of them here?

Guys don't play games. Not the same ones you women play anyway. It will never work for a guy to play hard to get. Guys have to be assertive, take all the initiatives and do all the chasing.

These "Rules" ONLY go for women. And again I don't think women should listen to those rules or play games but I don't understand Eclypse's post, he is a guy right... then those rules are irrelevant since they where not written for guys, they where written for women.

November 7, 2010

Going strong indeed! 7 months in now. We were each others firsts. I did research for ages though (been member of LS for ages now:p) so even tho I'd read all the advice it kinda flew out the window

She broke the rules too I think. Stayed up talking to me till 2am, initiating a lot of texts / calls etc. I guess we just knew we wanted to be together after that second date. The first kiss was electrifying for us both. It was a bit awkward but we laughed it off together. I think laughter is very important in relationships!

I'm happy she didn't have more experience or read the game rulebooks because I think folllowing your instincts is the best! Also she knew me for a few years(not super close though) and our families were friends so I think it helped with the trust.

Glad to hear that:) I think like you said,when you are with someone you really like and they can 100% reciprocate those feelings,who wants or cares the rules!You want to show affection as much as you can to make that person feel loved and cared.It's a great place to be in and it should be like that in a relationship.Unfortunately,not all of us can find that,or maybe we just havent found the right ones yet..

November 7, 2010

That list is a good example of treating symptoms instead of the underlying problem.

There are plenty of women (and they abound in this forum) who are insecure and have low self-esteem, so they throw themselves at men and fall madly in love with people they just met. They come across as desperate and needy because they need to obtain validation from other people (especially men) because they don't have the internal validation that emotionally healthy people have. It's a real problem. But it's not going to change my memorizing a bunch of rules or techniques for tricking other people into thinking you're emotionally healthy. It's only going to change when you address the fundamental underlying problem -- low self-esteem --- and once you do that, you'll laugh at these lists because it would never even cross your mind to do the things like barrage a man with phone calls, talk about marriage on the third date, sit by the phone wondering why he won't call, over-thinking every little thing he said and did, etc.

Emotionally healthy people don't play games because they don't have to!!!

I think it's great that people want to learn and improve themselves, but these pop psychology books aren't going to help most people. Stick to the classics, like The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, The Psychology of Romantic Love, Real Love and How to be an Adult in Relationships. They're not as 'cute' as the bestsellers, and they're a lot harder to read, but you'll actually learn a lot more than just a memorizing a bunch of stupid lists.

That sounds like I wrote that

I agree 100%

November 7, 2010

Just wonder if any of those rules can work...it helps to research among guys and see their opinions on them

Shure they can work, but it's unneccesary to follow those rules and play games. Because if a guy liked you, you wouldn't need to play hard to get... Infact most guys hate it when women play hard to get and follows those rules.

Playing games doesn't increse your chances with a guy, it decreases them because so many guys hate it or take it as a sign of disintrest.

November 7, 2010

women that play hard to get or "busy" are toast because I will play just long enough for them to miss me when I drop them.

then i'll either not hear from them again or they will spend the next week blowing up my phone.

When I finally decide to pick up I tell them i've been "busy".

And start acting like I could care less they called & tell them I gotta go.

Actually it isn't an act. The whole "busy" thing is a major turn-off.

November 7, 2010

Glad to hear that:) I think like you said,when you are with someone you really like and they can 100% reciprocate those feelings,who wants or cares the rules!You want to show affection as much as you can to make that person feel loved and cared.It's a great place to be in and it should be like that in a relationship.Unfortunately,not all of us can find that,or maybe we just havent found the right ones yet..

Women never show affection to men, ever. Women only want the man to show affection to them but they do not want to do it back. Women would rather play games and listen to ridicilous rules on how to act like you are not intrested instead of doing that.

November 7, 2010

Women never show affection to men, ever. Women only want the man to show affection to them but they do not want to do it back. Women would rather play games and listen to ridicilous rules on how to act like you are not intrested instead of doing that.

Now I wouldn't say that's entirely true! My gf shows me lots of affection. She bought me a rather expensive bday present, and most of our early dates were dutch actually. She likes kissing me, and stroking my face, and it makes me so

But she prefers I do stuff like driving, or ordering food, and iniating sex and holding her. She said it makes her feel all warm and cuddly and feminine when I act all manly

November 7, 2010

I think most self help books like The Rules aren't really tapping into "self esteem" so much as a person's desire to have greater control over the outcome of their lives. In psychology, the concept is called "locus of control."

Internal locus of control means that a person thinks what they have influence on the outcomes of things that affect them. Therefore, the are more active in voting and so forth. External locus of control means a person believe that the environment or a higher power have a greater influence.

I don't think one way is necessarily better than the other, but my hunch is that people with an external locus of control read this books to see if they can have greater influence. People who think they already have control wouldn't bother with trying tricks and games.

Here's a wiki on it http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Locus_of_control

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