klind1970 Posted March 6, 2004 Posted March 6, 2004 My wife has been in love with another man for six months now. He is a guy who helps her lead a church youth group. She has pretty much made herself be obsessed with this guy and it is driving me crazy. He is 7 years younger than her and has no idea that my wife has feelings for him. I of course know about the situation, because my wife told me last week. I told her she either needed to tell him how she feels or she needs to stop feeling this way about him. It literally drives her crazy, because she thinks about him so much... She tells me that she could never tell him about her feelings for him, because she says it would never work. So anyways, that leaves me in quite a bad situation. I love her to death and have really been trying to overcome a really bad past with her. mostly bad because of me.. We are both going to counseling and we are both on medication for depression. The hard part for me is that I really need her love and affection, and have been told by her to give her some space. I am so lonely and sad that it is making me go mad!!!! Am I doing the right thing by being patient and staying with her or should I try a different approach. If someone out there could give me some advice, I would really appreciate it..... Oh, by the way, the secret man.... no one else even knows about him except for me and her best friend who doesn't really have any advice for her because her husband is cheating on her.... I have really been trying to be a good husband. I cook dinner, wash clothes, clean the house, take care of the kids and I also work at a very demanding job. I just don't know if all the effort is getting me anywhere. I am becoming very frustrated, and I don't know how much more I can take... My wife says that she is happy in every other aspect of her life except for her marriage right now!!!! She says that I drag her down because I am always in the dumps and I don't make her feel happy and make her laugh. This other guy does these things for her, even though she only sees him once a week. How does she expect me to feel when the only thing that would make me happy right now is for come back to me and be my wife.... I have one other question..... My wife will take her wedding band off and not wear it for weeks at a time, whereas before she would never take it off. Does this mean in her mind that she thinks our marriage is over or what? I don't know myself... sometimes I just want to take it and hide it to see if she even bothers to ask me where it is...... well enough rambling, I hope that someone out there in the shack will be able to help me......
Cariel Posted March 6, 2004 Posted March 6, 2004 My friend, you seem to have more problems at this point than anyone here could really help you with. You have said that you and your wife are both in counseling...are you in counseling together, or individually? Both? Same therapist, or different ones? Although I know you were probably trying to give us the "short version" of your story, there are too many holes for me to even make a guess at how you got from point A to point B in your relationship. If you feel able, could you give us a few more examples or details of just HOW your marriage disintegrated to this point? For make no mistake, it has indeed disintegrated if your wife fancies herself in love with a man she sees once a week and tells you about it. All the best to you. C
Author klind1970 Posted March 6, 2004 Author Posted March 6, 2004 thanks for your reply cariell. We both see the same marriage counsellor together. I would not no even know where to begin when giving examples of our problems in the past. I guess the first thing was that we were both young and got pregnant before were done living it up in our early twenties. My wife feels like I have robbed her of of the last 12 years of her life.. Now that she is on paxil, she is a different person. I myself am on paxil, but I really haven't felt any different yet. She says that it is just a real downer to even come home, because she knows that I am going to drag her down out the good mood that she is in when not at home. There are many more examples to give, just give me some kind of idea what you would like to know.....
purgitory Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 Hi, I am no expert when it comes to relationships, trust me. I just think that its important to keep in mind that obsession isnt love. It's whats called passive dependency. The trademarks of passive dependency is the feeling that without this person you are nothing, you dont want to live, ect. It's easy to become tied up in someone, but know that you should never have to sacrafice yourself in order to have things work. If she wants to go to him, pack her bags, lock the door, and know that if someday things work out to where you are together again then ok thats whats supose to happen, but dont sarcrafice your sanity for a woman who is clearly needing to learn about herself, and her issues. I understand that marriage is a huge commitment, that the vows are made in the sense of forever, but what kind of life are you trying to live? There is nothing you can do to fix this relationship, but you can do alot to fix yourself, counseling is fine, but if you are going to save the marrige, then whats the point? How much energy can you waste trying to make someone stay with you when they clearly want to leave? Let her go, i know its painful, but trust me, the amount of pain you will have now, is nothing compared to the pain you will feel the longer you stay. You have to respect yourself first and know that you are a person who deserves to be in a relationship with someone who treats them kindly, who is commited to making things work, and who will work with you as a team to solve problems. It sounds to me like she is dragging you through the mud to see how much you will take, trying to make you leave so that she wont have to be the one to go. its ok to leave, its ok for you to decide right now that you have had enough, and get your life back on track. Become someone who you can love, who you can respect, and stop looking to this relationship for your sorce of identity, or even for the masochistic reasons. You staying when clearly you should go is sick, why do you want to hurt yourself like that? Do you not feel that you can do any better? Do you not feel that you deserve more? Look deep within yourself and you will find the answers. Do not lay down anymore for her to tread on you, cut your losses, and work on yourself, do the things you like to do, find out who you really are and become some one you like, that way someday you can have a relationship not only withsomeone who loves and respects you, but with yourself.
Author klind1970 Posted March 7, 2004 Author Posted March 7, 2004 I appreciate your advice purgitory. I have much to think about. If there is one thing my wife and I do have in common it is the love we both have for our children. We both feel that we need to work out our marriage for our childrens sake. I try to be as happy as possible around the children, but it is getting harder and harder. My anxiety level is horrible. I cannot stop feeling so jealous about the other guy. Sometimes I just want to call him up and tell him that she has feelings for him. Well I don't know, what does everyone else think......
Qgal Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 I think maybe your wife has a developed a crush. It happens periodically even during a marriage. I developed one and so I started asking other married women if they ever had. They all had, at one time or another! Married guys develop them too. It should pass. It sounds as though there is a question as to whether this other guy feels the same toward your wife. ? If he does'nt, she will, no doubt, get over it. i think it would be best not to make any effort to tell him. My suggestion to you would be to work on yourself and try to find things that might make you happy. She needs to see you as not being so down. You said the things she likes about him are that he makes her happy (and is funny/makes her laugh?) Try to fill her void as best you can. It will be good for you too. Do something exciting together...something you have never done before. "Fake it til you make it". Depression takes its toll on the whole family. Your kids deserve better. Try to do it for them.
morrigan Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 Don't inform this guy about your wife's obesession with him--it will only complicate matters and cause stress for more people. It sounds like a one sided situation---as Purgitory said, your wife may be using this 'crush' to avoid her hurt and confusion over the problems in the marriage. I don't think that it is unreasonable for you to ask your wife to stop her activities with the church youth group. Even with you both in therapy, as long as she comes into regular contact with this man, she probably will continue to have these feelings. She's not willing to address the problems you both are having in your marriage if she isn't willing to distance herself from an individual she has focused her emotions upon.
Author klind1970 Posted March 7, 2004 Author Posted March 7, 2004 Thank-you ogal and morrigan for your insight into my situation. I have the same feeling about the fact that she needs to be away from this man. I know she loves children and she loves being a youth director. The problem is that right now I do not believe that is the reason she is going to youth group. She just wants to be around this guy... This is especially hard for me because I know that this is the reason that we are struggling to get along with each other. You just do not even know how hard it is to sit at the house and know that your wife is sitting somewhere just oogling over another man.. I bet that I smoke a half a pack of cigarettes in the 3 hours that she is gone. I I have told her that she needs to let her feelings for him go and she said that she would try and work on it. It's just hard for me as a husband who loves his wife to sit by and let this continue. Something is going to have to give soon!!!!
Benedict Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 Klind, I have been in your shoes before. Pretty darn similar, anyway... Her crush, or obsession - or whatever you want to call it - with this guy is probably just that. I'll bet she speaks truth when she says she likes the way he makes her laugh. When someone who is in a bad position, a person who is light and funny is pretty powerful. In my case, my wife hung out with a guy who did just that. That fact is that the other guy has none of the bad feelings attached to him - like, responsibility, paying the bills, the screaming kids, the who-does-the-dishes-tonight thing. Hear me well: You cannot compete with him, so do not try. Sounds like you have some personal issues you are working on right now. Good. Keep doing that; that is where your efforts will pay off the most. That is also how you will get on the road to being that great, funny, nice guy she married in the first place, right? If she is anything like my wife, you will need to give her her space - any type of pressure will just drive her away. Give her her space while you work on you. Look at the bright side here, too: She is in counseling with you. That is a huge step. It is forkin' work to be in couples counseling. And it is helpful, or it was for us. Also, she hasn't said anything/done anything with this guy. That is something... But even if she has (and are you SURE that she hasn't?), it is not the end of the world. If you guys are committed, and honest, it will work out. If you are NOT, then it won't make it anyway. And while she is off in la-la land, it will probably be up to you to be patient and hold it together for a while. That was how it was for me. I just did my thing; we started counseling together. And eventually, she came around.
brashgal Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 If you've been on the Paxil for awhile (couple months) and you don't feel any differently, you will probably want to go back to the Doctor and try another medication. Sometimes you have to try a few to get it right, not every med works for everyone.
purgitory Posted March 7, 2004 Posted March 7, 2004 I think its more important to teach children about honesty and self respect than it is to teach them to stay in a relationship and abuse themselves emotionally.I know most people want to stay together for the sake of thier kids, but keep in mind, kids are not as stupid as some might think. Just because you "act" like you are happy when around them, dont you think that they will figure out soon enough? If they dont know already? I know that its best for kids to have a 2 parent family, but how can you be a role model to them when you allow yourself to be treated the way you are? You are thier role model for future relationships, what they see you do, they will do. I think its more important to be honest, than it is to look good. Sure divorce, and separation are scary for kids because it is a threat to thier security, yet at the same time, how can trying to make things work withsomeone who wants to leave, be helpful to thier emotional development? Its not that you would be leaving the relationship, its not that i am pushing for divorce. I just feel that when you have done all you can, you shouldnt be afraid to have a separation come into play. Maybe that will be just enough space for you and her to figure out what you both want not only from eachother but yourself. Plus it will be easier for you to each create a positive enviroment for your children. Just because the words arent spoken in front of them doesnt mean that they cant pick up on the vibe. It is normal for people to have crushes in relationships, there are going to be attractions of course. That isnt what my issue is with this. I cant help but feel while reading this, that there is an even deeper level of unhealthiness that exists in your relationship. Whether she likes someone or not, gives her no excuse for her to treat you like that. It takes 2 to get pregnant, and 2 to get married, there are no victims in this relationship. It takes 2 to abuse as well, one to abuse, and one to stay. Ask your self why you are really doing this. Is it really for the sake of the children, or are you doing it out of comfort of this relationship that has lasted most of your life. Its ok to be honest about that. If it is comfortable to stay, and to hard to leave, maybe you should ask yourself whats really important. Short term comfort and long term emotional pain, or short term emotional pain and long term comfort. I also think that counseling is a good idea, for a sick relationship cannot heal its self, just like a sick mind cant. No one is ever in the perfect relationship, they will always have hard spots, and they will always have trials, but while working through problems, wouldnt it be ncie to know that your partner is working with you, not against you like a scorned child? I also dont feel that it is your childrens comfort you are putting first as you say, but your own.
Author klind1970 Posted March 8, 2004 Author Posted March 8, 2004 thanks everyone for the great advice... I definitely have much to think about over the next few days. As far as the medication goes, I have only been on the paxil for about three weeks now. I am considering having my dosage increased to see if it has any effect. I am truly glad that I am not the only person who has problems like this. I will get back with more developments on my situation as they occur...... thanks everyone.....
Velveteel Posted March 8, 2004 Posted March 8, 2004 I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds wrenching. A couple things occurred to me while I read, though. Paxil has a strong anti-anxiety component. On Paxil, she may not have the normal feelings of restraint and anxiety about this crush. She may feel that her obsession is okay, especially since she hasn't acted on it, and that you're overreacting. And yes, I do think that her general feelings about not wanting to be dragged down by a depressed or demanding partner are legitimate. She's feeling better now, and she wants to enjoy her life. You may have to fake some lightheartedness for a while. No, it isn't fair, but if she's really trying to make a decision about her marriage, this may be a necessary posture for you. Good luck!
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