maskedguy Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 I'm not sure what to do with anything anymore and could use some advice. We met about 6 years ago. He was pretty shy. We talked about our interests and found some in common. We started seeing each other and went out a few times and even had sex a few times. It felt like it was going pretty fast, but I held on. 3 months into the relationship I had a 1-night stand with someone else. Of course it upset him and I felt (and still feel) bad about what I'd done. I've apologized and apologized and it doesn't seem like there's anything I can do to make it up to him. 6 years later and it still comes up when he's upset and feels like he uses it to take a jab at me when he's upset. So 4 months later I was headed to a convention for my small business and he didn't want to come along. It was a disaster for the business, and throughout the weekend he sent several emails stating he wanted to break up and hated me for going... When I returned and he learned of the bad time I had, he apologized and said he wanted to continue to be with me. So we continued dating and mostly spending time at my parents' place. It still felt like it was going fast, he came on pretty strong. He then wanted me to show how much I loved him by making him part of my business... So I reluctantly made him a general partner. He was employed at the beginning of the relationship but it ended and he was unemployed. So I spent the next year trying to teach him how to make masks and costumes. He was slow to pick any of it up, but we kept trying. Over the next two years, I seemed to give up alot of what I used to enjoy. I was slowly seeing my friends less and less. It seemed to bother him that I played RPG games with them in person, I invited him to join in, but he declined. Eventually I stopped playing and stopped seeing them. I used to play a TCG card game in person, but it seemed to bother him, I invited him to join in, again he declined. Eventually I stopped playing. We went to a convention and some of my online friends we met seemed to make him uncomfortable, I tried to introduce him to them, but he didn't have any interest in them. So I stopped chatting with them online. I became a doormat, which he has presently acknowledged. I can't seem to make any decisions without his approval or input. During this time, he started drinking. It would gradually increase over time. Towards the end of the 3rd year together, he'd be drinking 5-6 beer/night and still does this presently. Things contused to deteriorate. He had several bouts of depression. He was on anti-depressants and was into cutting himself and was suicidal. I'd spent many late nights trying to keep him from killing himself. Many late night walks to help him clear his mind and to help him sleep. He suffers from nightmares every night. Ranging from school to work to friends, everything seems to haunt him in his sleep. He often said and stills says "Do you want me to leave?". If I say yes he says something to the effect of "I'll head to the railroad tracks," I learned from him that he didn't graduate high school and it weighed heavily on his mind. So much so that when cutting himself he smeared blood all over my diplomas which were on the wall. I took them down and hid them away. (I've since burned them since it bothered him they were in this house.) He's told me many times, and still does, that he resents me for completing high school and puts himself down. Saying we're on different levels and how he can never "be" with me. He says he always feels alone. Even if I give him 100% of my attention, try to be close, intimate, romantic, caring and try to talk to him all the time... he still says he's alone. It felt alot like I was losing myself. It seemed to bother him that I could sculpt, sew and do many other business-related tasks that he couldn't do. He resented me more and more, and still does, and told me to my face that he hated how I could do so many things so easily. Also during them time, and upto present, sex has been 1-sided. Where he'd do sexual things for me maybe 4-6 times a year, vs, myself doing sexual things for him every other day. He's makes me feel embarrassed about some of my interests and ashamed of them. That Halloween was the busiest ever and I spent alot of extra time working. He started going to the bar every few nights. I'd been working hard all month to get us ahead financially, including several all-nighters, but he'd be drinking the money away just as fast. Everything came to a boiling point in November after another birthday went un-noticed and un-celebrated and he's spent 2 weeks going to the bar every single night blowing through several hundred. I wanted him out of my life and demanded he leave. He then demanded half of the business. I trashed him online in my journal and it led to him receiving hate-emails from some friends. To this day he still gets a few now and then and they upset him... He says I've burned his bridge for escape to online friends which is why he's worried about school... He left, and then started demanding the domain name and patterns and half the molds ( even though only 2 out of 60 sculptures were ones he worked on with me) He wanted tools, materials, literally half of everything even though he's contributed very little to it all. He then started demanding I pay his debts and that I also needed to teach him how to use the patterns (which i've already done many times...) He threatened that he retained a lawyer and I gave in, I wanted him out of my life. While working out the details, he broke down and wanted me back. He was on heart medication since he was having chest pains and was really sorry for making me upset and not pulling his weight. He apologized and was upset with himself. I took him back and tried to work everything out with him. 8 months later we moved into our own place. For the last 2 years the ups and downs continued. He continues to drink, has nightmares and be upset/depressed most of the time. He's not on any medication. I continue to do 80%+ of the workload while he can do little. Also he's constantly making comments about what I'm working on that make me hate working, I'm ashamed and hate my talents and abilities. It's getting to the point where I no longer want to work on anything business related since it upsets him... To the extent that I'm thinking of just shutting the business down and let him have everything just so I can get away from him. The business license expires in 3 months. The sex is non-existent for myself, though I still try to do things for him on a weekly basis. I try to hug and kiss him and he never hugs or kisses me.. he never touches me anymore.. He calls me stupid, Hitler, ugly... He's done nothing for my birthday for the last 2 years, not even say "Happy Birthday"... yet I will get him a gift and cake and try to have our few friends over when his birthday comes up.. In the last 5 months, he's destroyed 2 of my sculptures in fits of rage. 1 sculpture was for a customer and it led to our first BBB complaint and having to give him a refund.. He's destroyed his 64gb IPod touch, his laptop screen, another mp3 player, umbrella, it's up to around 1500$ in damaged items so far. I just can't take the stress of always being scared to work or do anything... I feel like I'm a shell of the person I used to be. Trapped and hated and resented. I'm constantly censoring what I say and do, I can't make any decisions on my own. I'm sorry it's such a long post, but I'm pretty confused. I don't know what else to do and could use some input...
dreamingoftigers Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 You are in a crazy-abusive relationship and you need to ensure your safety YESTERDAY! I was waiting for the post to stop. You have probably been so traumatized that you don't know which way is up anymore. I rarely recommend this to anyone but get out. GET THE **** OUT NOW! Get yourself to a shelter or your mom's house or run away with porn stars for the love of God. Anything would be better then someone constantly abusing you, you aren't even married to the dude. Whatever it is you might be doing/have done to him does not mean that you deserve this. Tell him you might give it another chance when he gets a crapload of help and deals with his issues. Get out now!!!!!! Do not close your business. Get your stuff out and fight for the other. fight like hell and do not let someone take your life's work away! Get to Siberia on a one way ticket if you have to. NOW.
Author maskedguy Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 (edited) I'm still with him... Things are just continuing to degrade. The holidays were tough; throughout them and presently he's claiming he has lung cancer and doesn't do much of anything anymore, chores, business stuff, he's been doing very little. He spends most of his time in the bedroom. "Claiming" because for 3 weeks I had to beg him every day to try to get to a clinic/hospital and he would refuse... Last Monday when he went, the doctor told him of the symptoms he's missing for lung cancer and told him he was getting too involved in his diagnosis. So the doctor is now a "retard", "*******", etc. and he's expecting the xray results to come back negative and will need to do a ct for verification. So he's quit smoking, and I've been trying to quit as well. It's not easy, but he's making the situation difficult for me. I've cut down to smoking twice a day and I've not buying anymore tobacco, just about out now, so I'm eased off of it. Throughout the past few weeks he's been offering to buy me more, and then turns around a and bitches about how the air in the room is poison and how he hates the air freshener I've been using... It's like he wants me to quit, yet doesn't want me to quit, maybe he's hoping I get lung cancer because he's holding that against me as well "only uneducated people like me get lung cancer".. He spends every day trying to get himself sleepy, worry about going to bed the coming evening, he says the nightmare are killing him, he'll spend 12+ hours a day in bed and complain he doesn't get any sleep. He's been taking over the counter sleeping pills and drinking along with them... We go to bed around 3AM and I wake up around 8-9AM, today he woke up at 3 PM. I just don't know how to break everything off, the business is failing, no income is coming in and I can't work on anything since he keeps muttering, mumbling and moaning every time I do anything, it's like some sort of hostile work environment... I've tried talking to him about it, but he says that I should just ignore him, but I can't when he's muttering, mumbling, pacing, etc. I still spend most of my time aimlessly browsing the internet, even then he complains about the news sites I read.... or complains how he can't play games on his computer which makes me feel bad if I were to play a game to pass the time. If I sit and stare at the wall, he's complained about that too.. I'm near the end of this and I don't know how to sever the relationship so that I can move on with my life... Edited January 17, 2011 by maskedguy
Nexus One Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I'm near the end of this and I don't know how to sever the relationship so that I can move on with my life... What are the exact causes/reasons that are holding you back from severing the relationship?
utterer of lies Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I'm near the end of this and I don't know how to sever the relationship so that I can move on with my life... Go stay somewhere else for a few days or weeks, parents, friends, whatever. Just so you are not around him all the time.
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