My wife claims she is happy even though she isn't sexually satisfied. It's a problem.

[ACHANCE]

I've been with my wife for nine years. Married the last five. When we initially started dating; we had already known each other for two years and had established a plutonic friendship. During that time period we fell in love and discussed everything even past relationships and the fact she had great sexual encounters. That there at this point in time may be our biggest problem. My wife is not the emotional type, not affectionate, and is real aggressive. She has no problem giving herself to me, I just knows she does not enjoy it, gets frustrated, and can't wait for me to finish. Her thing is its her wifely duties. She only has orgasms from oral stimulation which she states is awesome. It's the whole lack of dominating, assertiveness, lack of confidence and awkward stroking she states. Her comment though; is we have many toys and she enjoys knowing I feel good and the bond we share as we are close. I just feel uneasy about the whole thing, because I have an ego and its bruised. I'm no perfectionist; just everything I do just has too be good if not great. It's no consolation to me when she says I'm the best husband,father,friend,provider, and man she could ever imagine being with. Seriously for me since there is no sexually chemistry and she firmly believes there will probably never be, this is a breaking point. I'm considering seperation then possible divorce because I can't bare to be with someone the rest of my life who I know is sexual; but isn't because of me and doesn't even enjoy love making with her husband. We have a son which makes it hard because no way am I selfish enough to hurt him. Any suggestions before this could be the beginning of the end.

[nikayla]

ACHANCE,

 

The majority of women can only orgasm from oral stimulation, so please do not feel incompetent in the bedroom. You state that she had great sexual encounters in the past? Is this because the men were domineering and aggressive? If so, is there any way you can take more control in the bedroom, or does she refuse to experiment? Women tend to love surprises and a change in scenery, perhaps a rowdy night on the balcony can work well. In general, do you attempt to be romantic? Do you take your wife out on weekly date nights? Even toys can become boring, and she may just want a little more spice. It seems like couples counseling in addition to romance can serve you well. Please exhaust your options before considering a separation.

[ACHANCE]

Thanks for your insight. I work long hours and we usually just get to spend most Sundays and some Saturdays together. Date nights are few and far between. Yes I am romantic but as I said she isn't the most receptive. I do my best in all categories and there aren't any complaints. I believe in love and all that comes with it. She is just the opposite an animal, a physical sexuall person ,aggressive because she is a product of a divorce where she was daddy's little girl and momma's baby. The divorce killed her concept of true love, intimacy and made her a skeptic. I'm surprised as well as she that she even married. That's why it's puzzling to me because for her not be that individual that tigress I know she is makes me feel some kinda way. She is loyal, faithful, has high moral standards and doesn't agree with divorce so her leaving or infidelity isn't the issue. I just can't see how she can be happy, will stay happy, and want to be in this for life.

[Untouchable_Fire]

She is loyal, faithful, has high moral standards and doesn't agree with divorce so her leaving or infidelity isn't the issue. I just can't see how she can be happy, will stay happy, and want to be in this for life.

 

Something will have to give. In my experience with women it's always the faithfulness part.

 

She can always keep you as a husband/father/provider and get sex from another guy. That is typically how your situation ends.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

this is a really difficult one. You were friends for a long time and love grew out of it. Have read a number of posts here asking whether "friends" should marry, and usually it is a no, as passion is almost always missing.

 

However here, I think counseling is in order, as she has issues to confront about sex and what she wants. And you may be should not be so timid and passive.

 

Talk to her about her needs and fantasies and try to meet them. Hell sounds like it could be fun.

 

However I do agree this is certainly not an easy situation to be in......

[Fight4Me]

I've been with my wife for nine years. Married the last five. When we initially started dating; we had already known each other for two years and had established a plutonic friendship. During that time period we fell in love and discussed everything even past relationships and the fact she had great sexual encounters. That there at this point in time may be our biggest problem. My wife is not the emotional type, not affectionate, and is real aggressive. She has no problem giving herself to me, I just knows she does not enjoy it, gets frustrated, and can't wait for me to finish. Her thing is its her wifely duties. She only has orgasms from oral stimulation which she states is awesome. It's the whole lack of dominating, assertiveness, lack of confidence and awkward stroking she states. Her comment though; is we have many toys and she enjoys knowing I feel good and the bond we share as we are close. I just feel uneasy about the whole thing, because I have an ego and its bruised. I'm no perfectionist; just everything I do just has too be good if not great. It's no consolation to me when she says I'm the best husband,father,friend,provider, and man she could ever imagine being with. Seriously for me since there is no sexually chemistry and she firmly believes there will probably never be, this is a breaking point. I'm considering seperation then possible divorce because I can't bare to be with someone the rest of my life who I know is sexual; but isn't because of me and doesn't even enjoy love making with her husband. We have a son which makes it hard because no way am I selfish enough to hurt him. Any suggestions before this could be the beginning of the end.

 

Speaking specifically to the above in bold, it isn't uncommon for a wife to truly be content with making her husband feel good. The satisfaction that comes from that can be more fulfilling than reaching her own orgasm, although it's easy to see why the husband feels self-conscious.

 

Is it possible that her "frustration" has more to do with your determination to get her there (thereby making it seem like your own manly duty) than actual frustration over not reaching climax? It is my own personal theory that these kinds of misunderstandings can lead to faking orgasms, something we can all agree is an undesirable result. In a way, there seems to be undo pressure on BOTH sides to perform.

 

I agree with the poster who suggested counseling. It may do you both wonders to have a third-party help interpret for one another, and ultimately identify the real problem before it festers into animosity. The goal in marriage should be contentment, and I don't see any reason why you both can't have it.

[stillafool]

I don't see how counseling will help you develop sexual chemistry for someone. I think your wife has probably decided that her sex life is adequate enough. She probably feels that you can't have everything in life, so to have a man who is a good husband, good father and a good provider is fantastic.

[xxoo]

It's the whole lack of dominating, assertiveness, lack of confidence and awkward stroking she states.

 

This sounds clear enough to address. What have you two done to explore what she wants and how you can participate in providing it? Why do you believe that she can't have passion with you?

 

My first suggestion is to read erotica that appeals to her together. Ask her to look for and buy some books/stories that make her wild, and read them together or separately. Or porn, if she prefers. Get an idea of what her fantasies and desires are, and then incorporate some of that into your bedroom play. Just a few carefully timed key phrases, or moves, could "set the tone" for the kind of sex that would really drive her wild.

[quankanne]

I just can't see how she can be happy, will stay happy, and want to be in this for life.

 

because when you've found that one person who *ahem, this is going to sound so gay* completes you to a point where everyone else pales in comparison, even less than spectacular sex is preferred BECAUSE you're with that person. And why NO ONE else will do even if other experiences were enjoyable.

 

however, because this is really bugging you and because you genuinely want to become that kind of lover who'll blow her socks off, start looking at different ways to spice up your sex life. Not saying don't be true to yourself and become some hardcore sex junkie who does far-out stuff that makes you uncomfortable, but seriously consider a few new moves that appeal to you as much as they do to her. Even something as simple as spanking or biting or ... anticipation ... can bring a heightened sensuality to lovemaking and just by switching it up even just a little, you're telling her you're very much interested in bringing her pleasure. Which, ultimately brings the BOTH of y'all pleasure.

 

just my 2 cents ...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I don't see how counseling will help you develop sexual chemistry for someone. I think your wife has probably decided that her sex life is adequate enough. She probably feels that you can't have everything in life, so to have a man who is a good husband, good father and a good provider is fantastic.

 

because the OP says the only thing that really gets his wife turned on is being DOMINATED & ASSERTIVENESS..... There seems to be something there imo....

[stillafool]

because the OP says the only thing that really gets his wife turned on is being DOMINATED & ASSERTIVENESS..... There seems to be something there imo....

 

Oh, I'm sorry I didn't understand. OP can you try dominating your wife and being more assertive in the bedroom? Or maybe you tried that and I missed that too!

[Eeyore79]

I enjoy sex with my partner, even though I don't orgasm. I like being close to him and being intimate, and I like to make him happy. I'm happy to have sex and not orgasm, as long as he sometimes makes me cum through oral or fingering. Your wife probably feels the same; she (like the majority of women) doesn't cum through penetration but still enjoys the intimacy, and is happy as long as she gets an orgasm some other way. Sometimes I use a vibrator on my clitoris during sex so I can orgasm too; maybe this would work for your wife?

 

Since you mentioned that your wife doesn't find you to be dominant and confident enough, could you perhaps try to be a bit more dominant? Women are usually attracted to dominant men, and if a guy lacks confidence it's a turn-off. When a guy desires you and is a bit rough and absolutely ravishes you, it's a huge turn-on. I've ended relationships in the past because the man wasn't dominant enough and his passivity turned me off.

 

Your wife apparently likes sex, but not with you, so she's doing the bare minimum to fulfil her "wifely duties" even though she isn't really turned on by you. If you want your marriage to work in the longer term, you have to get her turned on by being a bit more assertive.

Edited November 8, 2010 by Eeyore79

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I enjoy sex with my partner, even though I don't orgasm. I like being close to him and being intimate, and I like to make him happy. I'm happy to have sex and not orgasm, as long as he sometimes makes me cum through oral or fingering. Your wife probably feels the same; she (like the majority of women) doesn't cum through penetration but still enjoys the intimacy, and is happy as long as she gets an orgasm some other way. Sometimes I use a vibrator on my clitoris during sex so I can orgasm too; maybe this would work for your wife?

 

Since you mentioned that your wife doesn't find you to be dominant and confident enough, could you perhaps try to be a bit more dominant? Women are usually attracted to dominant men, and if a guy lacks confidence it's a turn-off. When a guy desires you and is a bit rough and absolutely ravishes you, it's a huge turn-on. I've ended relationships in the past because the man wasn't dominant enough and his passivity turned me off.

 

Your wife apparently likes sex, but not with you, so she's doing the bare minimum to fulfil her "wifely duties" even though she isn't really turned on by you. If you want your marriage to work in the longer term, you have to get her turned on by being a bit more assertive.

 

Sex is the whole show and your boyfriend should be doing everything he can to get you to cum..... Really not sure what you mean....

 

Back to the OP.... My concern is there seems to be something in the spouses past that seems to say that she needs minimal emotional connection and wants rough/dominant sex to enjoy it, and that could be an issue going forward.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS. My sympathies....

 

Here's my take, having experienced some of this dynamic in my M. She settled. Combined with her intrinsic personality and emotional style, there is little passion in her soul for you. She's thinking the relationship rather than feeling it. Thinking absent emotion is great for business but lousy for a successful marriage or any sort of intimate and loving relationship. It essentially reduces the dynamic to a math problem.

 

IMO, save yourself. I did. She won't have a problem replacing you. They're very pragmatic about that. Good luck