New here, separating from husband

[Mom2boys]

Hi all, I am 27 y/o, my husband is 31 y/o, we've been together for 9 years, married for 4, and have made the decision to separate and eventually divorce. I really can't see there being much hope of reconciling, which is a shame, because we have two small children, but there are so many things that I am unhappy with in our relationship that I believe is beyond repair. He wants to do marriage counseling, but I don't think that any amount of counseling will help if he is not willing to change.

 

He lies constantly about money, to the point where I've had to borrow money from my parents to make sure my kids and I have groceries. It has a lot to do with his drug use, but he lies constantly about anything and everything and I'm just done, I can't take it anymore. He is a good father, and deep down he is a good man, but I'm not able to stand being with him any more. All we do is fight, over money, lies, his drug use (which he refuses to see as a problem and seek help). There are many more reasons, but I'm not really feeling like writing out a 50 page essay, nor do I think anyone here wants to read it

 

I love him still and I think I always will, I hope we can stay friends and be able to co-parent our kids without being at each others throats, but I don't believe we are able to be "together".

 

For the last 4 nights, he's been staying at a friends house, and I'm not expecting him to come back home to stay, unless for a night, but in the spare room, only for the sake of being able to see the kids first thing in the morning, something like that, but as husband and wife, we are officially separated and I have no intention of getting back together with him unless he does a drastic 360. But he is 31 years old, if he was going to change, he'd have already.

 

I feel horrible that this is what it has come to, and I know he doesn't want to lose his family, but it's not like I'm taking his kids away from him, it's just that he & I will have a different relationship than what we have now, which has been quite stressful at times, especially since the birth of our children.

 

I know we need to be separated for a year before we can divorce, and I have no problem waiting it out, it's not like I'm looking to be with anyone else right now, I still love him, but I don't want to be with him, not like this. KWIM?

 

Is there such a thing as an amicable divorce? ... when children are involved?

[The-Zen-Warrior]

Mom2boys :

 

Until the day comes, that your Husband gets his collective head out of his a**, and realizes that he has a drug problem, no amount of talking to him will help. This is something that the man has to do on his own, you can drive him to a rehab clinic, let him out and see what happens. Safe bet, he will walk in the other direction, cross the street, slip into a dark back alley and slither back into his drug world, until he is ready for the help, he will avoid it at all costs. Stop trying to help him, seeing that a divorce is in the works, leave him alone, no more talking, no more wanting him to get help, enough with it! Just look after your #1's being the kids.

 

You probably have a good idea of where the lied about money went, right? Yeah, you probably guessed it, there's his drug money! The very money that should have been used to put food on the table, he rather smoked it, snorted it, injected it into himself. And dishonesty, for a drug user, comes with the territory!

 

It's very noble that you feel terrible about what is happening to the man. Taking into consideration that he more so fears loosing the kids forever. I'm glad your trying to see the flip side of the coin, if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't be being as noble as you! For me, a drug using spouse, lying and taking food out the kids mouth's, no way! I would practice the art of "scorched Earth" and would play a game of Global Thermal Nuclear War on his a**, but that's just me!

 

I wish you the best, I'm sure after all this craziness is over both you and the kids will be feeling better about things!

 

Keep posting here on L.S., tons of good people around these parts, with a wealth of information. So keep us in the loop!

[The-Zen-Warrior]

For me, a drug using spouse, lying and taking food out the kids mouth's, no way! I would practice the art of "scorched Earth" and would play a game of Global Thermal Nuclear War on his a**, but that's just me!

 

First off, after a couple hours thinking about this, I felt the need to come back here and define what I mean!

 

First off, when I use the term "scorched Earth" I don't do it for kicks, to sound good or even out of ego. It means what it means, and I've practiced that skill probably around 10-12 times in my life.

 

Next, there are two types of sorts out there, both really piss me off, but the one group of people that piss me off the most are the spouses that choose to cheat on their mates. The next group of people that piss me off are people who "choose" to use drugs. I'm not talking about doctor prescribed drugs, I'm talking about weed, coke, peyote, heroin, P.C.P., L.S.D. and the like.

 

The story you told to us here on L.S., about the missing money and your Husband being very dishonest about money matters, that gets my goat. It's hard enough raising children and trying to cultivate the success of a family now a days, than someone within the inner ring taking the very money that is needed to live, right out of your hands and into their addiction.

 

When people make the "choice" to put themselves first, their addictions included and the people who are supposed to be the most important second, that chap's my hide! They say drug addiction is a disease, the people hooked know not what they do, yeah right! Diabetes, Cancer, major psychological disorders and the like, those are true diseases, not drug use.

 

When peoples choice to do their street drugs starts to interfere with the normal daily functions of families, that gets me mad too. When the drugs start getting in the way of that persons ability to provide, like drugs destabilizing employment, destabilizing the foundation of the family home, like abuse, both verbal and psychical or sexual, that gets me pissed off too.

 

Now if your Husband was not your Husband, lets say you never met the man and he was living on his own, being responsible, but all the while smoking his drugs or snorting them or shooting them up, if he could still be a contributing member of society, I wouldn't bat an eye lash at it! Now I know this last example is some what a part of fantasy, but if this could happen, I doubt it, I would not go "scorched Earth" at all, the person in this example would get a free pass.

 

I just didn't want you, or others, to think I'm some sort of power craved, egotistical idiot! Who just want to drop his nuclear ordinance on the people of this planet. Honestly, I save my judgment day weapons, both weapons of my mind and body as a means of absolutely last resort. I think the last person who felt my devices was my ex-wife, close to three years ago, who might I add cheated on me with a combination of "emotional affairs" and "psychical affairs" all wrapped up into one package, with two different men, in less than a six to seven month time period. By the way, did I say that nothing pisses me off more than a cheating spouse, yeah I think I did, that's why I could rationalize going "scorched Earth" on her in the final days.

 

Funny thing about the whole going Thermal Nuclear War on my ex-wife, this is odd, but the woman within recent months has thanked me for it! She kind of feels like I had done her a big favor, I know this is strange, but she said it! At first, she didn't care for it, I was a true enemy! But close to three years later, with the time that has gone by, and her own personal healing, she has come out into the light and thanked me. So you never know, if you ever choose to go "scorched Earth" on anyone, there is a slight chance that person might thank you later. If chosen, use the skill carefully and wisely, for this type of attack "burn bridges", that almost 100% can never be re-built again!

 

Personally, I think this all may play into my character. I'm an all or nothing kind of guy, with nothing in between! Either I will leave you alone and do nothing, or do everything to destroy you, hence the term, "all or nothing"! I'm trying through my spiritual advisers to work on this, trying to find some middle ground, like the "gray area" of our lives!

 

Oh well, hopefully now you understand my reasoning's of using one of my classic terms.

Edited November 7, 2010 by The-Zen-Warrior

[USCGAviator]

 

Is there such a thing as an amicable divorce? ... when children are involved?

 

 

You bet there is. My ex wife assaulted my heart a year ago and since then we are able to communicate and trade the kids without fighting. The OM lives with her now and is with her when we trade the kids but he knows better than to even make eye contact with me.

 

It took a little while to get where we are today, but we are both over the past and are able to focus on being good parents.

 

Even when we talk on the phone about the kids or when I call to talk to them we joke a little and are very respectful with each other.

[carhill]

Is there such a thing as an amicable divorce? ... when children are involved?

 

Yes, there is, if both parties wish it. In our case, I believe MC and using mediation instead of adversarial court actions went a long ways to resolving the issues amicably. I know other couples with children who have resolved their issues of property and custody and co-parented in a positive way.

 

It's up to you and him. Pick your battles and look for ways to work through disagreements. Remember, once your D'd you're done with him legally, so keep your eye on the target.

 

This is one area where I can really respect my exW. She treated me far better during the divorce than she ever did during the M. Reason? She kept her eye on the target, getting her freedom and the property she wanted. She knew she wouldn't get it by creating a rancorous and adversarial environment as I'm known to be a bit crazy

 

Good luck and my sympathies. I know it's not easy.

[goingstrong]

, we are officially separated and I have no intention of getting back together with him unless he does a drastic 360.

You mean a 180...a 360 would put him right back where he started from...get it..haha