aerogurl87 Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 I think many people fail to see there is a difference between the two when dating. Being available means you are open to scheduling and going out on dates, have frequent contact, and are basically actively engaged in getting to know someone. Desperation means you bend over backwards to make someone happy, obsess over contact, etc. Many people complain that nice guys and good girls don't get dates because their being nice. But I think the real question such people need to ask themselves is not "am I being too nice?" But "am I being desperate instead of being available?" Thoughts?
ReturnToSender Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 Totally... me as the nice girl, with my ex..if he said oh I have to cancel our date (for the third time in a row) Id be like...okay! lemme know when youre free so we can see each other! And when hed text me saying, hey I get home at 2a, wanna come over? Id be like..okay! Yay! see you then! *slay me now!* I know he took it as I gave it...Ill make myself available when he wants to see me, and make myself scarce when he didnt. Great way to devalue my time and me as well. Now when he cancels I say ok and leave it at that. When he tries to resched, Im busy for the next few days, most likely not free till the next weekend..and I genuinely am, between school and work and kiddo my time is pretty limited now. Im no longer at his beck and call, and Ive noticed things every so slowly changing around. Its one thing to be nice...another to be desperate and a pushover. Im finally aware of what I was doing and moving away from being the latter...
Insanitylater Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 if girl A likes me a lot, she may see may welcome my advances. if girl B likes me not so much, she will get turned off and tell her friends how desperate I seem. The gray area of individual situations to this topic is so big its almost worthless to even talk about it. No one can pin it down to an exact anything. But I do understand what you mean in general. You have to know how to balance the game, or you are pretty much out of luck.
curlygirl40 Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 I think when you devalue yourself by being available whenever, you teach people to devalue you. And you teach them that it's o.k to devalue you, because you do it to yourself. If you have respect for yourself, other people will respect you back. Men, women, people at work, your family, etc., etc. Not saying game play or make yourself unavailable, but I think it's best to teach people how to treat you well from the start. People respond to actions, not just words. You don't have to tell a guy that you won't be available for him at the last minute, but if you aren't available at the last minute if he asks, he will know that he needs to give you more notice. And probably respect you for it in the long run. Remember this quote: 'Don't make someone a priority when they are only making you an option'
Insanitylater Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 I think when you devalue yourself by being available whenever So if someone knows my work schedule, and they call after work, and I never have plans each time they call, how is that devaluing myself by being honest? If they are calling, then obviously they have interest? So how the hell can anyone explain to me that not being available, when I truly am, is a better option? isn't the whole freakin point to spend time with each other? God no, you wouldn't dare let anyone know that you actually like the person, that's a nail in the coffin
Author aerogurl87 Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 I think when you devalue yourself by being available whenever, you teach people to devalue you. And you teach them that it's o.k to devalue you, because you do it to yourself. That's what I mean. That's called being desperate, not being available. Being available means getting to know someone in a balanced manner where you make time for them but not to the extent that you bend over backwards to be with them or even worse just for them to notice you.
curlygirl40 Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 So if someone knows my work schedule, and they call after work, and I never have plans each time they call, how is that devaluing myself by being honest? If they are calling, then obviously they have interest? So how the hell can anyone explain to me that not being available, when I truly am, is a better option? isn't the whole freakin point to spend time with each other? God no, you wouldn't dare let anyone know that you actually like the person, that's a nail in the coffin You're missing my point. If a guy I like called me and said "hey my afternoon just freed up and I was wondering if you could meet me for lunch", and I could then I would. My point is the 2 a.m. booty call, the times when it's obvious that the guy (or girl) was just waiting to see if they had better plans before they made plans with you, having plans with friends but dropping them at the last minute because a love interest called and wants to see you, not making other plans with friends because you're hoping he'll call you and want to see you at the last minute, things like that.
D-Jam Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 I'll never forget a girl I knew who tended to end up with jerks and douchebags. She told me of some guy we both knew that was trying to get a date out of her. I knew the guy as a decent human being. Not a wild party boy, but also not really a doormat. She said "I dunno...he just seems so needy and desperate." From what I knew and saw, she more or less was turned off because she's so used to every RL being full of drama and and "challenge". I more or less replied that I think she has a very low opinion of herself that she thinks when some "decent guy" is hot for her that it must mean he's needy and desperate for any woman. She still never gave him a shot, and now she's a single mom with a deadbeat dad who's banging some younger party girl. The bigger issue in my book is while there are actual needy and desperate people out there, too much of our society has been made a mess with the ideas of "look aloof" or "seek mystery" as well as insecurity brought on everyone. We seem to now think there's something wrong if someone finds us attractive...thus we dismiss many interested folk who don't fit our normal thinking of "ideal mate" as "needy" and "desperate".
Insanitylater Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 You're missing my point. If a guy I like called me and said "hey my afternoon just freed up and I was wondering if you could meet me for lunch", and I could then I would. My point is the 2 a.m. booty call, the times when it's obvious that the guy (or girl) was just waiting to see if they had better plans before they made plans with you, having plans with friends but dropping them at the last minute because a love interest called and wants to see you, not making other plans with friends because you're hoping he'll call you and want to see you at the last minute, things like that. Yea I see what you mean now.
carhill Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 I tend to view transparency as attractive and vagueness and mystery as unattractive. A woman who is available to enjoy my reasonable (not 2am) requests for her company is attractive and one who is vague, uncertain and mysterious is unattractive, irrespective of any other qualities they might possess. It wasn't always this way, and it wasn't always healthy. Life is a process
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