curiousbell Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 Here's the deal: I've never dated/kissed a guy/held hands and I'm nearing 21 years of age. I don't really know what I'm doing. I think I may be dating this guy, but I can't tell if he is seeing it that way. We've known each other for a couple of years now, and I know for a fact there was initial attraction because of a mutual friend we had then. Nothing really happened until a couple of months ago. We see each other at least once a week, and when there is an opportunity to pay, he pays. I thought at first he was being chivalrous, but when we went to the movies with a few of his friends (mixed company), he still paid for me, and only me. Also, we have both made a point to at least say a few words to each other nearly everyday, regardless of the topic. He called me "sunshine" once. He has put himself in situations he usually wouldn't to spend time with me, and the fact he spends time with me even though I'm six years younger and he doesn't usually enjoy young adults. He even was only going to an event his friends set up if I was going. Did I mention he's a great complimenter? He knows that I have never been in a relationship, and he is probably the most respectful guy I know. The only physical contact has been hugs (he hugs all of his friends, though). I have written off lack of physical contact being respectful or scared because it's been a while since he's dated as well. I was pretty convinced we were dating at this point. It seemed common sense. However, I let him know that I've really been enjoying spending time with him and talking to him the last couple months. He responded by saying he really has too, and that I'm a valuable friend and a good influence. What? Talk about mixed signal right there. That response plus the fact that he is a chivalrous guy in general makes me question what I think has been going on really has been. What do you all think is happening here? Thanks.
Insanitylater Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 Ever think of asking him ? Oh wait, you want to find out his thoughts without him knowing yours, forgot about that part.
Author curiousbell Posted November 6, 2010 Author Posted November 6, 2010 Absolutely. I'm think I may be close to that point; however, I'm a bit of a coward when it comes to this. I'd like to get opinions of the probability before I rock the boat.
Insanitylater Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 Absolutely. I'm think I may be close to that point; however, I'm a bit of a coward when it comes to this. I'd like to get opinions of the probability before I rock the boat. You're not a coward, thats just they way most females work. You want to find out everything about the guy, but hes not allowed to know anything about you.
Author curiousbell Posted November 6, 2010 Author Posted November 6, 2010 I felt like telling him I've enjoyed spending time with him and talking to him the last couple months was telling him quite a bit. Am I wrong in thinking that?
Insanitylater Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 it depends on if you are willing to accept the outcome of the situation. You are allowed to tell him anything you are thinking. Just make sure you are prepared for either a wanted or unwanted reaction from him.
Author curiousbell Posted November 6, 2010 Author Posted November 6, 2010 I was willing to accept the outcome in that situation, and I have, but I felt like it sent a mixed signal. His response to that is the whole reason I am confused and why I decided to ask for some unbiased advice via Internet.
Insanitylater Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 I was willing to accept the outcome in that situation, and I have, but I felt like it sent a mixed signal. His response to that is the whole reason I am confused and why I decided to ask for some unbiased advice via Internet. You need to be way more direct than what you told him. You stayed in a grey area, hoping that he understood what you were getting at, and opened up to you. This is what women typically do. They reach an inch out of their comfort zone, and in return they want the guy to reach a mile. You will not get anywhere with this unless you be direct with him.
Author curiousbell Posted November 6, 2010 Author Posted November 6, 2010 Yeahhhhh. Okay, I suppose. So, I have to go the inch AND the mile now...hmmm.
Insanitylater Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 Another option is to get pointers from the number of game playing females on this site. There are plenty here, I'm sure they would be glad to help you.
Author curiousbell Posted November 6, 2010 Author Posted November 6, 2010 Thank you for your advice. Sorry to be ignorant, but could you tell me how I would do that? I've never used a forum before.
halemeno Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 Please don't listen to this guy. He seems to be unloading his frustrations from his experiences with women onto you and your situation. I think it's normal for both men and women to be nervous about letting their feelings known, especially if you've never done it before. It's just hard to muster the confidence to throw yourself out there, regardless of gender. How often do you hang out one-on-one? How does he behave when you're alone together?
Author curiousbell Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 He may be, but there is some truth to it. We see each other one-one-one about once a week. Every now and then we'll see each other a second time but with one of our friend groups. He's a little more reserved when we're alone together. He does seem quite interested in my life and interests which I think is a good sign.
Insanitylater Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 He seems to be unloading his frustrations from his experiences with women onto you and your situation. To be honest, all my real life experiences with women have been almost perfect. Its the women online that tend to make problems. There are game playing women on this site FACT There are game playing women that have in the past gave others advice on how to play hard to get, how to seem unavailable, and so on FACT Dont get mad at me because I state a FACT.
Author curiousbell Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 This is true. I have noticed that. I'm trying to avoid games--they're not for me or my situation. He already knows I'm busy without having to "act" like it. And by saying yes to his offers probably makes him feel like I'm prioritizing him to fit him in my busy schedule. Even when I ask my friends for advice, they tend to give advice on how to play rather than being more direct.
Insanitylater Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 (edited) I ask my friends for advice, they tend to give advice on how to play rather than being more direct. That's because most men and women are total aholes when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. They all see this imaginary scoreboard, and are constantly trying to fight for their team, instead of facing each situation individually. Everyone needs to watch and learn from the speed dating scene in the movie Hitch. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmG2LzymCWI . Edited November 7, 2010 by Insanitylater
Author curiousbell Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 For sure. I'm sure Halemeno even understands that a lot of people treat dating and relationships as a game and a scoreboard. I think the reason he/she was uneasy was because you assumed that I was trying to be like that. It's not safe to assume that everyone wants or tries to approach dating that way.
somedude81 Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 He seems a bit shy if he hasn't tried anything by now. It seems that he may like you but I really can't tell. Here's a really easy way to see how he feels about you. Next time he invites you to do something with him, say something like, "Are you asking me on a date?" His reply and the conversation that will likely fallow, will give you your answer.
Author curiousbell Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 Next time he invites you to do something with him, say something like, "Are you asking me on a date?" His reply and the conversation that will likely fallow, will give you your answer. Thanks for your advice. After thinking about it for the last week or so, I think I'm going to do something along the lines of that. Although, because he has already been asking me to do things and paying (which sure seem like dates), I think it would be weird to differentiate when he asks next. What I'm thinking I should do is asking him afterward if he has been seeing these meetings as dates. Yeah?
somedude81 Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 It's not really a good idea to assume that past events were dates or not. True it may seem weird to differentiate the next event, but you need to make a move and find out what is really going on. If you don't, five years down the line, you may keep spending time with him and still have no idea where you two stand. I wouldn't ask about the past, it can make things awkward and requires too much thinking. Next time he invites you, "So is this a date?" or something like that will bring everything out.
Author curiousbell Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 :Sigh: Fine, I see your point. Now let's hope I can muster up the courage when the time comes.. It would be so much easier to do if I could tell just a little bit more of what he's thinking!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Curiousbell: First of all, men just don't tend to have much interest in mere "friendships" with women when they are not caused by work or school to share the same environments on a steady basis. IF you would say that each of you make a similar number of initial efforts to get together with the other, then it is very likely that he is really into you romantically. He could be as shy and uncertain as you are, and it wouldn't be fair to see that as being "OK" for you and not OK for him. If on the other hand, you are always the one who initiates time spent together, then he may not be very into you. At some point (sooner is better than later) you are going to have to be a bit daring and BOLD (like never before) and let him know that you're interested in more than just friendship. Very few guys ever run around later life recalling old traumatic experiences where like-aged women made social advances which completely offended those guys. I know you wish we could run around behind him and assure you that he's in it to win it (your heart), but short of that all we can do is to encourage you to show some vulnerability... (for your own eventual good)
Author curiousbell Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 Thank you so much for your response, SincereOnlineGuy. First of all, men just don't tend to have much interest in mere "friendships" with women when they are not caused by work or school to share the same environments on a steady basis. This was my optimistic thought as well. But I just don't see why he would blatantly call me his friend. I realize that we're not a couple, so that would make us "friends." However, I was concerned it could possibly be that he was telling me he's not interested in me romantically without making things awkward. If that's the case, I don't want to force the issue. We do equally make efforts to see each other. If this weren't the case, I could take a hint. I've been bold before when I have had feelings for a friend (none working out), and I do not regret it. It took a little bit before the friendships were not awkward, but I was able to move on very quickly. There's just something different about this guy that's more difficult for me.
Great985 Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 I'm 26 and have never dated mainly due to issues with anxiety and social isolation.
Author curiousbell Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 I'm 26 and have never dated mainly due to issues with anxiety and social isolation. One thing I've learned is you have to be mindful of putting yourself in social situations. The last few years I've purposefully place myself in potentially awkward situations to get to know more people. It's uncomfortable at first, but you really get used to it and you gain some great interpersonal skills.
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