gothowitz Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 My ex-boyfriend and I broke up a couple of days ago. We met through an online dating site almost five months ago, and things were pretty much perfect until about two and a half months into the relationship. He didn't have any issues with commitment, encouraged me to be more vocal about things that were bothering me, especially if they had something to do with our relationship, and he didn't come across as the kind of man who would ever cheat on me. He was very sweet at first; he caught me off-guard with a lot of the sweet things he said, and he did little things like suddenly holding my hand or hugging me, which certainly made me feel special. He met my family, and I also met his. He actually invited me to spend a holiday weekend last month with him and his family in his hometown. We got along with almost everything, except that I'm more romantic and emotional, while he's more logical and stubborn. He's the type who wants what he wants, while I'm more inclined to reach compromises when it comes to our issues. Two weeks before that holiday weekend, he moved to a new house which was farther, although not any less accessible by bus or car, than his previous home. It also increased the distance between my home and his. Within those two weeks, we didn't get to see each other, as he had been busy setting up his new place. Because of this, he asked me if I could stay over sometimes, which I thought would be impossible due to my conservative family (I'm Catholic and Asian), and I was afraid that my parents would be angered if I so much as brought it up. I thought that we would break up then, because I told him that I was sure I wouldn't be allowed, but I was willing to make adjustments to my schedule to accommodate his need to be together frequently. He, however, said that staying over was important to him, and he didn't budge even when I presented him with the options, such as my willingness to travel by bus so we could see each other. I had no other choice but to ask my dad if he would consider the idea of me staying at his place on some nights. Thankfully, my father understood how important the relationship was to me, so he gave me his permission. I had a wonderful time with him and his family when the holiday weekend too, and thought that things were actually starting to get really stable and serious for the two of us. When we got back from the trip, however, I noticed that he'd started to get more distant little by little. We didn't see each other during weekdays, and it's not because I didn't want to see him; I just thought that his schedule, which was quite unpredictable, did not allow for me to sleep over. He also never told me when he wanted me to stay at his house, and I didn't want to be an imposition by just showing up. Most of the time, it was I who asked him if he wanted me to come over on the weekends to be with him, which made me feel like I was actually the one who wanted to be together more. When we were together on those occasions, he still showed affection, but not like he used to. He just seemed really tired, and his mind was somewhere else, like he had a problem (or problems) he didn't want to open up to me about. Our main communication during weekdays was chatting online, and I noticed that over time, I'd go for days not hearing from him. Two days ago, I mustered up the courage to ask him when I caught him online why he had been acting disconnected from me, why he wasn't as affectionate anymore, and he said that he "just didn't have the time." He said that he was stressed out, and that the distance and the fact that he didn't see me often was killing him. I explained to him that those were problems that could be fixed by adjustments on my part, but as usual, he stuck to his guns and maintained that things were still going to be difficult. I asked him what he wanted to happen to us, and at first he said "I don't know," which gave me the hope that he didn't wanna give up just yet, until later on in our conversation that he said that he cared about me but thought that things were not fair for the two of us, that he couldn't do it anymore, and that he was sorry he couldn't give me what I wanted. I was devastated, because I felt like I had been bending over backwards trying to make the relationship work, even going as far as risking my relationship with my parents to accommodate what he needed and wanted, and yet he just decided to drop me like a hot potato because things weren't convenient for him anymore. And the thing was, he never told me that seeing each other on weekends was not enough for him. I couldn't read his mind, so I was in a situation where I could've done something but never got the opportunity to do so, because I was totally clueless. I never stood a chance. He said he didn't have the time, but I honestly think that everyone has the time for something if they made it. Looking back, he might have also been experiencing financial problems (he bought a truck recently and my dad things he might have underestimated the expenses), which might have been causing much of the "stress" too, but he never opened up to me about that. He was constantly working and tired, he moved somewhere far away, he had other issues I had no knowledge of because he never mentioned them to me, and I felt like during our last conversation, he was somehow pinning all of them on me. I don't think he was cheating on me, because my gut didn't tell me so, and I honestly think that he's too busy to have someone else. I still told him that I loved him, that I'd do anything to make us work, but he decided that we weren't worth the effort anymore. I have been crying since the night we broke up, almost non-stop. I had a dream last night that we reconciled, so when I woke up this morning, I decided to write him an email explaining all the things I wish I had had the chance to tell him, like how he could've just told me what exactly he wanted to happen when it came to the seeing each other issue so that I could've done something about it, how I now understand what he meant by being "stressed out", and tell him that while I wish we didn't break up, I still respected his decision, because that was what he wanted and I cared too much for him not to give him that. I told him that I was just here for him if he needed or wanted to talk to me. I don't know if the email was a good idea, but I figured it's better that I explained things to him while things are still fresh, so he'll have new factors to consider before deciding about what will happen to us. The people I've confided in said that things were better off this way, because at least I know his real character now, this early, and that he needed some growing up to do, because his actions in the last few weeks had been really selfish. They said that he got too caught up in his issues, that coped with difficulty poorly, that he didn't care much about my need to feel special, saw that our relationship was the most disposable aspect of his life right now, so he got rid of me. The crazy thing though is that I still want him back. Badly. I've decided not to contact him again after that email, because I've already said my piece and I figured that if he wanted me back too, he'll do something about it. I guess the whole point of my writing here is to find out what you guys and girls think of my situation. What should I do now?
reknown29 Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 He left you. Its very difficult to grasp and there will be a lot of pain. I am getting over my breakup after a long two months but I am still deeply hurting inside. If I could find someone to date it would be easier. Its not as easy for a guy to meet someone than a girl. My advice is that you find someone while you recover. Let them know you ARE NOT interested in a relationship but just need someone to get you through the breakup. Meet the guy one to two times a week, be sure not to lead him on. Do not contact your ex!!! let him go. He left you and you should be mad at him for this. He messed with your self esteem, you have emotional wounds that need to heal and they cannont heal with him on your mind. Its hard but you have to learn to forget this person. Its the hardest thing I've ever done but there really is no other solution. It can be done, you will get better, and you will realize that you are better off. You cant sit around and sulk over someone who doesnt care about you anymore. Waste as little emotional energy as possible on him. Since its a recent breakup, you should cry as much as possible. Give yourself a weak to get it all out and cry as much as possible. wail. Then get mad, its the key to fighting depression. Your not alone and you're going to be ok. We all are.
Author gothowitz Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 Thank you for the boost. All my family and my friends whom I confided in said that no matter how they looked at the situation, he still remained to be the selfish one and that he was weak for copping out when things got a little difficult. Our situation wasn't at all hopeless, but he made it seem so, for what reason exactly, I don't know. Maybe he just used the distance thing as a convenient excuse to not be with me because he actually didn't want me anymore, or maybe he just thought that I wasn't really an important part of his life. The last time we were together the weekend before this one, I was almost sure that things were getting better for us. I saw flashes of the man I first met, the boyfriend I had over two months ago. Then four days later, he just made the snap decision to break things off after saying "I don't know" when I asked him what he really wanted to happen to us. I'm trying to find it in myself to get mad, but I guess I'm not wired that way. I know it may seem too quick, but I've already found it in myself to forgive him. I just break down every time I remember the good times, the plans that we made. I don't know if it counts as breaking NC, but I sent his mom a short message expressing appreciation for her being so nice to me and for the effort of their family to make me feel comfortable when I was with them. His mom and I had chats sometimes after I'd spent the holiday weekend with them. He's my first love, and I've never cared for anyone this much, this way. I know that things will eventually get better, but right now it seems like it's taking me everything of what's left of me emotionally to even get through an hour of knowing that he's never coming back.
neophreak Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Yeah, the first loves are always the toughest ones to get over...hell I'm in my late thirties and I still think about my first love at 21 . My point is you will come to terms with your feelings/emotions for this person in your own way and at your own pace. There's not really a right or wrong way to deal with this, everyone copes differently. I've gone through the same mental exercise of rationalizing their behavior and putting the blame on my shoulders...it's normal. You may never find the answer to why things ended the way it did and to be quite frank, it doesn't matter. He's basically doing you a huge favor by showing his true colors this early in the game. It also seems that you give him way too much credit in the relationship which is understandable I guess given your feelings but not ideal in the long run. Among other things, he may take it for granted or you may feel resentful about always compromising. I'm sure it feels like a big emotional roller coaster right now but after some time has passed, be honest and ask yourself the tough questions. You might be surprised with the answers.
Author gothowitz Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 Thank you so much for your insight. Now that a few days have passed and I've gotten the chance to ask for the opinion of the people closest to me on the matter, I've come to the realization that yeah, he actually did me a favor by breaking up with me. He's not the kind of guy who'd make me happy and proud in the long run. He needs a great deal of growing up to do. Oh yeah, did I mention that he broke up with me on Facebook chat? Haha! Yeah, definitely not the man for me... Not even A man for me.
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