Need some input... Upcoming birth and contact

[bentnotbroken]

My answers in bold.

 

 

Not respecting the boundaries set. Contact through her was the option. You are entitled to do as you please of course but deciding what is best for them at this point(when she settles down is when you will respect the boundaries:sick:)is wrong...period.

 

Concentrate on having a healthy, safe delivery and taking care of your baby. Not disrespecting her.

[debby]

Not respecting the boundaries set. Contact through her was the option. You are entitled to do as you please of course but deciding what is best for them at this point(when she settles down is when you will respect the boundaries:sick:)is wrong...period.

 

Hmmm, didn't disrespect any boundaries. It is hard to respect boundaries that haven't been clarified, which is what I'd like to do...but can't seem to do. Those boundaries need to be clarified by HIM since I am not sure ones she sets are his wishes...and those are the ones I am interested in. I will assume when he gives them to me that they will be the ones that are "wife approved". I was asked to communicate via email. I did. I could call him knowing that she isn't even in the same state to know about the call, but I've not done that. And NO, I won't email her at her email (her WORK email, I might add). She didn't specify I email HER, or specify WHERE to send it. In fact, it isn't UP to her! It is up to him. He needs to just man up and let me know how much interest he has in all this and what he wants to know. It is pretty simple. Otherwise, unfortunately, what they might wind up with is a summons to submit to paternity testing and establish child support served at their door. I'd rather not need to go that route, and I am sure if he thinks about it, he would rather not, either.

 

I didn't say I'd respect boundaries when she "settles down". I said that when things CALM down, perhaps in the future it will be possible to have communication that involves her input as well. At this point, it isn't.

 

Concentrate on having a healthy, safe delivery and taking care of your baby.

 

Thank you.

 

Not disrespecting her.

 

That hasn't been an issue. I won't however, allow her to disrespect me, either...no matter how badly she is hurt.

[woinlove]

The main thing is, I guess, what is the best way to ensure that the information is actually reaching him.

 

Exactly. Right now, it doesn't matter if no one is getting your emails, but at some point it will since you've mentioned, Debby, that you need financial support from the MM or, since he is unemployed, from his wife.

 

The husband versus wife email is not something to get hung up on when it is the welfare of the child that needs to be considered. However, perhaps it will move to lawyer to lawyer communication when communication is really needed. That would probably be best for all concerned.

[desertIslandCactus]

Yes, it's my thoughts that if Debby wishes to contact him at his email, it can be expected he is receiving them. Otherwise down the road an attorney can get the message through.

 

Right now I think the new life is the priority ..

[bentnotbroken]

Hmmm, didn't disrespect any boundaries. It is hard to respect boundaries that haven't been clarified, which is what I'd like to do...but can't seem to do. Those boundaries need to be clarified by HIM since I am not sure ones she sets are his wishes...and those are the ones I am interested in. I will assume when he gives them to me that they will be the ones that are "wife approved". I was asked to communicate via email. I did. I could call him knowing that she isn't even in the same state to know about the call, but I've not done that. And NO, I won't email her at her email (her WORK email, I might add). She didn't specify I email HER, or specify WHERE to send it. In fact, it isn't UP to her! It is up to him. He needs to just man up and let me know how much interest he has in all this and what he wants to know. It is pretty simple. Otherwise, unfortunately, what they might wind up with is a summons to submit to paternity testing and establish child support served at their door. I'd rather not need to go that route, and I am sure if he thinks about it, he would rather not, either.

 

I didn't say I'd respect boundaries when she "settles down". I said that when things CALM down, perhaps in the future it will be possible to have communication that involves her input as well. At this point, it isn't.

 

 

 

Thank you.

 

 

 

That hasn't been an issue. I won't however, allow her to disrespect me, either...no matter how badly she is hurt.

 

Yes you did.

 

here is the portion of your post that stated that:

In time when she settles down if they "make it", then I can see that possibly happening, but what she wants is due to her feeling threatened and shifting into self-defense mode. It isn't my job to "fix" that for her. Nor do I need to have her lash out at me. It has been a tough pregnancy as it is. High blood pressure is forcing an early delivery and I don't need unpleasantness stressing me further. Communicating through her opens up that risk right now. FOB told me that "she can't handle anything to do with me right now", so I think that would probably include emails about the baby her husband is having with me. I am not trying to be secretive. I see it as not rubbing something in her face that she isn't up to dealing with.

 

You are pissed that she is involved with a told you that all contact would go through her. And she even sent the same email to her donkey husband. She wants to be in the loop this time. You can either make your child's life easy or difficult...but make no mistake...piss her off and she MIGHT(don't have any proof) every one's life a living hell. You are the interloper and your child shouldn't suffer for your and it's father's poor decisions.

 

 

 

 

 

[2sunny]

yes, you are disrespecting him - and his marriage.

 

you were told to stay out of it.

 

the baby is YOUR concern. the more you involve him- the more you ask THEM to be involved in every aspect of your life.

 

if it were me -i'd completely step away... knowing that i have been given the gift of a child to do with as i wish... with no one else to interfere or be involved in the way I choose to raise the child.

 

the more you involve THEM- the more complicated this will be.

 

i'd go it on my own...

[NoIDidn't]

Debby

 

I hope your pregnancy is going well. And I hope you will be able to receive what I am going to say as it relates to your situation.

 

Firstly, I am not a believer in the concept as put forth by some that the needs of this child trumps the needs of his marriage. Considering the fact that this child is born into his marriage automatically puts it at a loss when it comes to his time, his energy, and his resources. And that is certainly not the fault of his W or his marriage.

 

The problem with not respecting "her" wishes is that it will create problems for you, your child, and him and his marriage. You say you want to do what is in the best interests of your child. Using that email address to communicate with him/them is one way to do that. You can discuss another way after actually using it and seeing how it goes. It doesn't matter that you feel she demanded it because of "insecurity". This is her marriage here. He still lives with her, and you may have to assuage her insecurities for a while to get what you need for your son. Its counterintuitive, but, for now, its what's best for your son.

 

Getting on her good side now will be in the best interest of your child for years to come. And, no, I'm definitely not suggesting that you grovel or not attempt to negotiate with her. Just that she just found out and is likely to lay down a whole lot of rules that she will find just won't work eventually.

[jwi71]

You NEED to respect the BW's wishes.

 

Here's why. Her WH (your MM) is and has been unemployed for YEARS and relies upon HER to support HIM. Since you cannot sue HER for support (and you have previously indicated that you would need it - and with 3 teenagers you WILL) you are going to want to keep in her good graces.

 

Stop the secret emails lest she D him and you become a welfare recipient. I don;t say that to be mean, I am just reminding you of what you have said previously.

 

Failing that...plan to go it alone. You might be able to sue him for support even if he is unemployed but good luck collecting (and I wonder if he would even have to pay - it may just accrue which is a moral, yet hollow, victory).

[fooled once]

Your original post below....

 

Sorry, a bit long, but thanks for reading.

 

I posted a bit of my story some time ago, but needed a little advice. To condense, I am pregnant by a MM, but we were not in a relationship, and I don't consider it an affair. I certainly didn't mean this to happen. I am in my 40's and had my tubes tied 12 years ago! Anyway, he was my old HS/college sweetheart, and we remained friends after going our seperate ways nearly 20 years ago (I initiated the split). Mostly long distance friends since we rarely see each other due to the geographic distance.

 

Every so often, we'd wind up intimate. Not often. In fact, the time that got me pregnant was the only time in 2 years we'd been together. I guess that line is easy to cross when you have been there-done that in your past.

 

I certainly didn't intend to interfere with his marriage in any way, and never meant for his wife to be hurt by this. Heck, she never would have known if not for the pregnancy and him finally telling her about it 6 weeks ago. (I am due in 2-3 weeks). I didn't and don't want him as my significant other or even an affair partner. It was more about friendship and with a physical attraction that had always been there, that friendship sometimes crossed lines. While I am sorry about the pain this has caused her, as her spouse, he is the one who broke vows and I don't think it fair the way so many people always point fingers at the woman in the situation. Even he said that "women get men in trouble." ugh.

 

Anyway, this situation is very difficult, obviously. I thought initially about not telling him at all, but that would have been very wrong. He has told his wife just 6 or 7 weeks ago and they are trying to work out their marriage. I respect that, and don't wish to do further damage, but I also am trying to decide how to handle the upcoming birth and some issues with notifying him. After all, he says he wants to be involved with his son, and that means that I am on a certain level part of that, though it doesn't need to be threatening to her.

 

The wife sent me an email about a week after he told her saying simply that "the friendship with her husband was over on all levels...if I needed to contact THEM, that I would do so via email and I was not to call or visit (btw, I have NEVER visited his home and I'd say 90% of the time, he would call ME. In fact, he was coming through MY area and wanted to meet up the night it happened). She ended it with a snide "Welcome to reality". Sadly, I think she doesn't have the full story of what the reality is since her husband made her think that what happened was a one-time-only thing due to marital problems they are having which is what made him vulnerable to cheating (making me look like I took advantage of their marital problems. I actually wasn't aware of their marital problems). I won't be spilling any beans to her and telling her how this has gone on randomly since their dating days over 15 years ago, but it is obvious that I am being tossed under a bus here in his attempt to save their marriage. I am afraid it will have ramifications on how I am viewed and how this will ultimately affect parenting our son in a healthy way.

 

Anyway, I didn't respond to her email and the next day I got an "apology" email from the father of baby saying he was sorry for her email (she had carbon copied it to him) and that in time he expected things to get better and for now he was honoring the "no contact" that their marriage counselor said was neccessary since he was trying to heal his marriage. He went on to say his wife couldn't handle any thing relating to me right now. I get that and I can see not needing contact generally, but with a baby on the way, there are some things that need to be relayed. In fact, I've done some reading and while "no contact" is the number one rule in healing following infidelity, when a child is involved, this rule isn't possible, though certain rules can be put in place to help the married couple deal with it.

 

I did reply to him(apparently this was a secret email address he was using) and say that I'd respect that and limit contact to only what was neccessary concerning the birth/baby, but I needed to know where he wanted that communication send and how (phone, email?). I also said I wouldn't be taking orders from his wife. If he chose to, that was his business. I told him that issues pertaining to our son would be handled the same way I do with the 3 children I have with my ex (who married his OW after walking out on our marriage with her years ago). I do not go through HIS wife concerning our children, I handle things directly with him.

 

Anyway, he didn't respond to this email with how he'd like communication and under what circumstances, so I just left it alone. Over a week ago I sent him the date I've been scheduled for an induction of labor in case he wanted to know and be able to visit the baby at the hospital (it is a 7 hour trip for him). I also sent the info for doing the DNA paternity test which did need a response so I know whether to set it up for him to come do at the hospital or whether he wants to submit his sample remotely from close to where he lives. I asked that he at least let me know he got this and how he wished to proceed with the DNA and future contact.

 

I've gotten no response. My induction might be moved up a week due to complications with the pregnancy, and when I find that out, I'll pass along that info. I just have no idea if he is even getting it. He has indicated his desire to be involved with his son, and it seemed cheap to send him an email AFTER the baby is born telling him so. It also seems a bit insensitive and cruel to send a birth announcement type thing to the email his wife used to contact me. I think it is his job to tell her at the time and in the way that he feels most comfortable with. I also don't know how she'll react and feel a bit uneasy about that fact.

 

I feel he has a right to know when baby is coming since I will know when (doctors won't be waiting for me to go into labor). So what would you do? Nothing and assume he got the messages but is choosing to ignore them? Send them through facebook (since I know he'll get them there) or send a message through facebook asking if he received my communication? Try to call him to just see if he got the messages and if he'd prefer me NOT update him? I just don't know what to do. Some advice would be appreciated. As it stands right now, I won't do anything until I find out at my doctor visit next week whether the current induction date will stand or whether they want to move it up a week.

 

The 2 bolded areas above.....

 

I disagree with your statement of not interfering in their marriage. You were screwing her husband. How is that not interferring?

 

Secondly, she sent you an email stating where you could send communication to. She even copied her husband on it.

 

so I am confused as to why you are confused on where to send email regarding the child's birth? She carbon copied him on it. So why is it hard to figure out how to communicate to him? Send it to the email address she carbon copied to him.

 

Good luck with your pregnancy. I hope your BP has gotten lower. I had the exact opposite issue with my pregnancy - I had extremely LOW blood pressure.