Need some input... Upcoming birth and contact

[debby]

Sorry, a bit long, but thanks for reading.

 

I posted a bit of my story some time ago, but needed a little advice. To condense, I am pregnant by a MM, but we were not in a relationship, and I don't consider it an affair. I certainly didn't mean this to happen. I am in my 40's and had my tubes tied 12 years ago! Anyway, he was my old HS/college sweetheart, and we remained friends after going our seperate ways nearly 20 years ago (I initiated the split). Mostly long distance friends since we rarely see each other due to the geographic distance.

 

Every so often, we'd wind up intimate. Not often. In fact, the time that got me pregnant was the only time in 2 years we'd been together. I guess that line is easy to cross when you have been there-done that in your past.

 

I certainly didn't intend to interfere with his marriage in any way, and never meant for his wife to be hurt by this. Heck, she never would have known if not for the pregnancy and him finally telling her about it 6 weeks ago. (I am due in 2-3 weeks). I didn't and don't want him as my significant other or even an affair partner. It was more about friendship and with a physical attraction that had always been there, that friendship sometimes crossed lines. While I am sorry about the pain this has caused her, as her spouse, he is the one who broke vows and I don't think it fair the way so many people always point fingers at the woman in the situation. Even he said that "women get men in trouble." ugh.

 

Anyway, this situation is very difficult, obviously. I thought initially about not telling him at all, but that would have been very wrong. He has told his wife just 6 or 7 weeks ago and they are trying to work out their marriage. I respect that, and don't wish to do further damage, but I also am trying to decide how to handle the upcoming birth and some issues with notifying him. After all, he says he wants to be involved with his son, and that means that I am on a certain level part of that, though it doesn't need to be threatening to her.

 

The wife sent me an email about a week after he told her saying simply that "the friendship with her husband was over on all levels...if I needed to contact THEM, that I would do so via email and I was not to call or visit (btw, I have NEVER visited his home and I'd say 90% of the time, he would call ME. In fact, he was coming through MY area and wanted to meet up the night it happened). She ended it with a snide "Welcome to reality". Sadly, I think she doesn't have the full story of what the reality is since her husband made her think that what happened was a one-time-only thing due to marital problems they are having which is what made him vulnerable to cheating (making me look like I took advantage of their marital problems. I actually wasn't aware of their marital problems). I won't be spilling any beans to her and telling her how this has gone on randomly since their dating days over 15 years ago, but it is obvious that I am being tossed under a bus here in his attempt to save their marriage. I am afraid it will have ramifications on how I am viewed and how this will ultimately affect parenting our son in a healthy way.

 

Anyway, I didn't respond to her email and the next day I got an "apology" email from the father of baby saying he was sorry for her email (she had carbon copied it to him) and that in time he expected things to get better and for now he was honoring the "no contact" that their marriage counselor said was neccessary since he was trying to heal his marriage. He went on to say his wife couldn't handle any thing relating to me right now. I get that and I can see not needing contact generally, but with a baby on the way, there are some things that need to be relayed. In fact, I've done some reading and while "no contact" is the number one rule in healing following infidelity, when a child is involved, this rule isn't possible, though certain rules can be put in place to help the married couple deal with it.

 

I did reply to him(apparently this was a secret email address he was using) and say that I'd respect that and limit contact to only what was neccessary concerning the birth/baby, but I needed to know where he wanted that communication send and how (phone, email?). I also said I wouldn't be taking orders from his wife. If he chose to, that was his business. I told him that issues pertaining to our son would be handled the same way I do with the 3 children I have with my ex (who married his OW after walking out on our marriage with her years ago). I do not go through HIS wife concerning our children, I handle things directly with him.

 

Anyway, he didn't respond to this email with how he'd like communication and under what circumstances, so I just left it alone. Over a week ago I sent him the date I've been scheduled for an induction of labor in case he wanted to know and be able to visit the baby at the hospital (it is a 7 hour trip for him). I also sent the info for doing the DNA paternity test which did need a response so I know whether to set it up for him to come do at the hospital or whether he wants to submit his sample remotely from close to where he lives. I asked that he at least let me know he got this and how he wished to proceed with the DNA and future contact.

 

I've gotten no response. My induction might be moved up a week due to complications with the pregnancy, and when I find that out, I'll pass along that info. I just have no idea if he is even getting it. He has indicated his desire to be involved with his son, and it seemed cheap to send him an email AFTER the baby is born telling him so. It also seems a bit insensitive and cruel to send a birth announcement type thing to the email his wife used to contact me. I think it is his job to tell her at the time and in the way that he feels most comfortable with. I also don't know how she'll react and feel a bit uneasy about that fact.

 

I feel he has a right to know when baby is coming since I will know when (doctors won't be waiting for me to go into labor). So what would you do? Nothing and assume he got the messages but is choosing to ignore them? Send them through facebook (since I know he'll get them there) or send a message through facebook asking if he received my communication? Try to call him to just see if he got the messages and if he'd prefer me NOT update him? I just don't know what to do. Some advice would be appreciated. As it stands right now, I won't do anything until I find out at my doctor visit next week whether the current induction date will stand or whether they want to move it up a week.

Edited November 6, 2010 by debby

[desertIslandCactus]

Debby, I have no idea why you are so concerned at this time about his involvement.

 

The baby won't care.. And you don't need him. I just can't see how it is so pertinant that he be informed of the exact birth date .. The child will be around for a while - for him to see.

 

It just seems to add so much confusion.

 

Will he be paying child support .. Is that the reason for the DNA test?

 

At any rate, don't fret about it ..

 

And congratulations on your blessing from God .. am so happy you chose to follow through with this precious birth.

[debby]

You are right. I suppose I am more worried about it than is really neccessary. I don't want to hear one day "Mom, why are there no pictures of me with dad when I was born?" and him hearing that "Mom didn't tell me until after you were here" or something like that.

I will send him an updated date if it changes, and then I won't worry about it. When our son is born, I will send him an update...I guess I'll just do it via email.

 

Since he and I were only together one time in 2 years, he'd like confirmation that the child is his (I can understand that), and it would be neccessary anyway if I do have to go through legal channels for support (though I hope he steps up and does the right thing). I suppose I can have the baby's cord blood taken and my sample and have them on hand. Then it is a matter of having him do his part whenever time comes.

 

I know it sure is scary to be starting over at motherhood with 3 teenagers and being in my 40's. It also is scary to be my age and worry about baby's health. I didn't have an amnio to check for downs and such, but I did have detailed ultrasounds that look for markers. Those look good, but don't catch everything. I can't help worrying.

[woinlove]

Since he hasn't answered any of your emails and since his wife gave you instructions of how to contact them if you needed to, it seems that you should use the email address that she gave you for that purpose if you want a response. Alternatively, you could have this go through a lawyer if you are dealing with child support and paternity issues.

 

However, any communication could likely wait until after the baby is born.

[desertIslandCactus]

You are right. I suppose I am more worried about it than is really neccessary. I don't want to hear one day "Mom, why are there no pictures of me with dad when I was born?" and him hearing that "Mom didn't tell me until after you were here" or something like that.

I will send him an updated date if it changes, and then I won't worry about it. When our son is born, I will send him an update...I guess I'll just do it via email.

 

Since he and I were only together one time in 2 years, he'd like confirmation that the child is his (I can understand that), and it would be neccessary anyway if I do have to go through legal channels for support (though I hope he steps up and does the right thing). I suppose I can have the baby's cord blood taken and my sample and have them on hand. Then it is a matter of having him do his part whenever time comes.

 

I know it sure is scary to be starting over at motherhood with 3 teenagers and being in my 40's. It also is scary to be my age and worry about baby's health. I didn't have an amnio to check for downs and such, but I did have detailed ultrasounds that look for markers. Those look good, but don't catch everything. I can't help worrying.

 

I'm not discounting that you have a lot on your plate as a single mother, Debby..

 

Easier said than done: This just seems to be one of those important situations that require one step at a time..

[debby]

Thanks everyone. I will just make sure he has the date ahead of time sent via email, but I will send it to the last email he used to contact me (I had told him that is what I would do unless he told me otherwise, which he never responded to), and then I will notify him the same way after baby is born. That also gives me a record of what contact there has been in case it becomes some sort of an issue down the road.

[desertIslandCactus]

Thanks everyone. I will just make sure he has the date ahead of time sent via email, but I will send it to the last email he used to contact me (I had told him that is what I would do unless he told me otherwise, which he never responded to), and then I will notify him the same way after baby is born. That also gives me a record of what contact there has been in case it becomes some sort of an issue down the road.

 

Great Debby .. I'm in agreement about the importance of documentation.. and also in agreement this is between you and him when it comes to emailing..

[woinlove]

I did reply to him(apparently this was a secret email address he was using) and say that I'd respect that and limit contact to only what was neccessary concerning the birth/baby, but I needed to know where he wanted that communication send and how (phone, email?). I also said I wouldn't be taking orders from his wife. If he chose to, that was his business. I told him that issues pertaining to our son would be handled the same way I do with the 3 children I have with my ex (who married his OW after walking out on our marriage with her years ago). I do not go through HIS wife concerning our children, I handle things directly with him.

 

I don't think it is realistic to expect this situation to be the same as with your exH. You were married to your exH, but this man was married to someone else when he fathered your baby. That makes a difference.

 

Since in another post you said his wife is the only one who can financially support another baby right now, it would make sense to communicate with both of them through the channels she suggested. You need to think of what is best for your baby and not whether you think it is unfair or wrong somehow not to be able to communicate with her husband through his secret email. That email may not be secret anymore. Also he said he would have no contact and he seems to be following through on that. Meanwhile, his wife has given you a communication channel if you need it. Use it for the benefit of the baby when you need to. Also, his is less painful to her than what you are doing, trying to communicate secretly, even after both her and her H said there would be no such contact.

[woinlove]

I will just make sure he has the date ahead of time sent via email, but I will send it to the last email he used to contact me (I had told him that is what I would do unless he told me otherwise, which he never responded to), and then I will notify him the same way after baby is born. That also gives me a record of what contact there has been in case it becomes some sort of an issue down the road.

 

And his wife has a record of how you were asked to communicate and he has a record saying there would be no further contact of the type that you insist on continuing. I don't think this puts you in a good legal position. Him and his wife could use your emails as proof that you tried to continue secret, affair-type communication, and ignored the open communication channel they gave you.

 

However, your decision.

[desertIslandCactus]

And his wife has a record of how you were asked to communicate and he has a record saying there would be no further contact of the type that you insist on continuing. I don't think this puts you in a good legal position. Him and his wife could use your emails as proof that you tried to continue secret, affair-type communication, and ignored the open communication channel they gave you.

 

However, your decision.

 

I appreciate your advise toward helping Debby and the baby WL .. But however Debby chooses to communicate with the MM - should Not affect the child support.

[debby]

And his wife has a record of how you were asked to communicate and he has a record saying there would be no further contact of the type that you insist on continuing. I don't think this puts you in a good legal position. Him and his wife could use your emails as proof that you tried to continue secret, affair-type communication, and ignored the open communication channel they gave you.

 

However, your decision.

 

Well, I don't have an obligation to his wife, he does and I asked him to confirm for me what email to use and under what circumstances he'd like to be contacted. I certainly can't see that as being out of line, and my emails do not have the tone of an affair at all. All he had to do was reply with his wishes. I really doubt he'd want to share what he has said to ME in his emails in court.

 

I've looked back at her email and she didn't specify which one to communicate through. She simply said "you will send an email". I wasn't remembering that right, but seeing that, I will use the email her husband used to contact me. He has never told me it is secret, I was just assuming that it was based on the fact that he said things I am quite sure he wouldn't want her to read. I won't be "boiling bunnies" or whatever that expression is. Their marriage may or may not survive, but I need to try to have a peaceful relationship with him for the sake of our son.

 

Heck my ex-husband has tried to get me to have an affair with him several times during his marriage to his Other Woman-Now Wife. I have said "no" every time (ick)...and while it certainly would be a tool of blackmail, I'd not use it since again, I have to get along with him long-term...and the wife may not be around at any given point in the future (especially considering all the cheating going on in that household).

 

Believe me, having had some nasty issues when my ex and I split, I know the value of making sure all written communications wouldn't make you look bad if they wind up in court...for that matter voice recordings, either. I hope it never gets like that, but I've seen how things can slide downhill fast, and I'd like to know I kept my t's crossed and i's dotted. My ex certainly didn't think about that!

[woinlove]

I appreciate your advise toward helping Debby and the baby WL .. But however Debby chooses to communicate with the MM - should Not affect the child support.

 

I agree it won't affect legally mandated child support, as that should not involve matters such as who sent email to whom.

 

I was picking up on Debby saying she would keep these emails as documentation if it became an issue, and it's not clear that documentation would help her in any way. Who knows if anyone is even reading that email, as the last thing sent from it was no contact and there was another email for contact. Certainly, if Debbie hopes to get child support through informal channels, not communicating to an email which she knows will work is likely to hurt her, particularly if it is the wife who would need to provide that money.

[debby]

I appreciate your advise toward helping Debby and the baby WL .. But however Debby chooses to communicate with the MM - should Not affect the child support.

 

 

Yes, I wasn't worried about that. Being divorced, I know what the courts care about and what they don't...and they don't give a rats behind about infidelity at all.

 

My concern is trying to set the proper tone going forward and not make mistakes with this situation that allow it to spiral into somewhere even more difficult than it will already be. At the same time, I am too old to be taking orders from a hurt, jealous spouse, though I am very sorry for her pain. There won't be crossing of lines where the marriage is concerned anymore (an unplanned pregnancy sure kills all that!), but I won't let her dictate how I communicate with my child's father. THEY can decide what will work for them and he can let me know what he wants. Obviously, the email she sent to me was not something he was happy she sent. His followup apology email expressed that. He has expressed sadness at living apart from a child of his and has said he wants to be involved. I am trying to make sure he has that opportunity. It is up to him whether he decides to make use of the opportunities or whether he lets his marriage keep him from that. I won't push.

[debby]

I agree it won't affect legally mandated child support, as that should not involve matters such as who sent email to whom.

 

I was picking up on Debby saying she would keep these emails as documentation if it became an issue, and it's not clear that documentation would help her in any way. Who knows if anyone is even reading that email, as the last thing sent from it was no contact and there was another email for contact. Certainly, if Debbie hopes to get child support through informal channels, not communicating to an email which she knows will work is likely to hurt her, particularly if it is the wife who would need to provide that money.

 

What I meant was if it ever comes up that I didn't share info about the birth, etc with him, that I would have proof that I did, and that I emailed it as had been requested, PLUS gave advance notice when I had it. I didn't mean that I'd be trying to use the emails to create a problem, just to defend against possible accusations that I wasn't keeping the baby's father in the loop on important stuff like the birth.

[debby]

I want to say thank you for all the input. I appreciate the points-of-view and advice. It helps to bounce a difficult situation off others. When you are wrapped up in the situation, it can be hard to see it objectively.

[woinlove]

Well, I don't have an obligation to his wife, he does and I asked him to confirm for me what email to use and under what circumstances he'd like to be contacted. I certainly can't see that as being out of line, and my emails do not have the tone of an affair at all. All he had to do was reply with his wishes. I really doubt he'd want to share what he has said to ME in his emails in court.

 

I've looked back at her email and she didn't specify which one to communicate through. She simply said "you will send an email". I wasn't remembering that right, but seeing that, I will use the email her husband used to contact me. He has never told me it is secret, I was just assuming that it was based on the fact that he said things I am quite sure he wouldn't want her to read. I won't be "boiling bunnies" or whatever that expression is. Their marriage may or may not survive, but I need to try to have a peaceful relationship with him for the sake of our son.

 

Heck my ex-husband has tried to get me to have an affair with him several times during his marriage to his Other Woman-Now Wife. I have said "no" every time (ick)...and while it certainly would be a tool of blackmail, I'd not use it since again, I have to get along with him long-term...and the wife may not be around at any given point in the future (especially considering all the cheating going on in that household).

 

Believe me, having had some nasty issues when my ex and I split, I know the value of making sure all written communications wouldn't make you look bad if they wind up in court...for that matter voice recordings, either. I hope it never gets like that, but I've seen how things can slide downhill fast, and I'd like to know I kept my t's crossed and i's dotted. My ex certainly didn't think about that!

 

Chances are you will continue to get no answer from that email address. Right now, it probably doesn't matter if no one responds. At least the wife gave you another email address, if it comes to a point where you really need a response.

[desertIslandCactus]

I want to say thank you for all the input. I appreciate the points-of-view and advice. It helps to bounce a difficult situation off others. When you are wrapped up in the situation, it can be hard to see it objectively.

 

Keep posting Debby .. and let us know if you need anything.

[fooled once]

Sorry, a bit long, but thanks for reading.

 

I posted a bit of my story some time ago, but needed a little advice. To condense, I am pregnant by a MM, but we were not in a relationship, and I don't consider it an affair. I certainly didn't mean this to happen. I am in my 40's and had my tubes tied 12 years ago! Anyway, he was my old HS/college sweetheart, and we remained friends after going our seperate ways nearly 20 years ago (I initiated the split). Mostly long distance friends since we rarely see each other due to the geographic distance.

 

Every so often, we'd wind up intimate. Not often. In fact, the time that got me pregnant was the only time in 2 years we'd been together. I guess that line is easy to cross when you have been there-done that in your past.

 

I certainly didn't intend to interfere with his marriage in any way, and never meant for his wife to be hurt by this. Heck, she never would have known if not for the pregnancy and him finally telling her about it 6 weeks ago. (I am due in 2-3 weeks). I didn't and don't want him as my significant other or even an affair partner. It was more about friendship and with a physical attraction that had always been there, that friendship sometimes crossed lines. While I am sorry about the pain this has caused her, as her spouse, he is the one who broke vows and I don't think it fair the way so many people always point fingers at the woman in the situation. Even he said that "women get men in trouble." ugh.

 

Anyway, this situation is very difficult, obviously. I thought initially about not telling him at all, but that would have been very wrong. He has told his wife just 6 or 7 weeks ago and they are trying to work out their marriage. I respect that, and don't wish to do further damage, but I also am trying to decide how to handle the upcoming birth and some issues with notifying him. After all, he says he wants to be involved with his son, and that means that I am on a certain level part of that, though it doesn't need to be threatening to her.

 

The wife sent me an email about a week after he told her saying simply that "the friendship with her husband was over on all levels...if I needed to contact THEM, that I would do so via email and I was not to call or visit (btw, I have NEVER visited his home and I'd say 90% of the time, he would call ME. In fact, he was coming through MY area and wanted to meet up the night it happened). She ended it with a snide "Welcome to reality". Sadly, I think she doesn't have the full story of what the reality is since her husband made her think that what happened was a one-time-only thing due to marital problems they are having which is what made him vulnerable to cheating (making me look like I took advantage of their marital problems. I actually wasn't aware of their marital problems). I won't be spilling any beans to her and telling her how this has gone on randomly since their dating days over 15 years ago, but it is obvious that I am being tossed under a bus here in his attempt to save their marriage. I am afraid it will have ramifications on how I am viewed and how this will ultimately affect parenting our son in a healthy way.

 

Anyway, I didn't respond to her email and the next day I got an "apology" email from the father of baby saying he was sorry for her email (she had carbon copied it to him) and that in time he expected things to get better and for now he was honoring the "no contact" that their marriage counselor said was neccessary since he was trying to heal his marriage. He went on to say his wife couldn't handle any thing relating to me right now. I get that and I can see not needing contact generally, but with a baby on the way, there are some things that need to be relayed. In fact, I've done some reading and while "no contact" is the number one rule in healing following infidelity, when a child is involved, this rule isn't possible, though certain rules can be put in place to help the married couple deal with it.

 

I did reply to him(apparently this was a secret email address he was using) and say that I'd respect that and limit contact to only what was neccessary concerning the birth/baby, but I needed to know where he wanted that communication send and how (phone, email?). I also said I wouldn't be taking orders from his wife. If he chose to, that was his business. I told him that issues pertaining to our son would be handled the same way I do with the 3 children I have with my ex (who married his OW after walking out on our marriage with her years ago). I do not go through HIS wife concerning our children, I handle things directly with him.

 

Anyway, he didn't respond to this email with how he'd like communication and under what circumstances, so I just left it alone. Over a week ago I sent him the date I've been scheduled for an induction of labor in case he wanted to know and be able to visit the baby at the hospital (it is a 7 hour trip for him). I also sent the info for doing the DNA paternity test which did need a response so I know whether to set it up for him to come do at the hospital or whether he wants to submit his sample remotely from close to where he lives. I asked that he at least let me know he got this and how he wished to proceed with the DNA and future contact.

 

I've gotten no response. My induction might be moved up a week due to complications with the pregnancy, and when I find that out, I'll pass along that info. I just have no idea if he is even getting it. He has indicated his desire to be involved with his son, and it seemed cheap to send him an email AFTER the baby is born telling him so. It also seems a bit insensitive and cruel to send a birth announcement type thing to the email his wife used to contact me. I think it is his job to tell her at the time and in the way that he feels most comfortable with. I also don't know how she'll react and feel a bit uneasy about that fact.

 

I feel he has a right to know when baby is coming since I will know when (doctors won't be waiting for me to go into labor). So what would you do? Nothing and assume he got the messages but is choosing to ignore them? Send them through facebook (since I know he'll get them there) or send a message through facebook asking if he received my communication? Try to call him to just see if he got the messages and if he'd prefer me NOT update him? I just don't know what to do. Some advice would be appreciated. As it stands right now, I won't do anything until I find out at my doctor visit next week whether the current induction date will stand or whether they want to move it up a week.

 

Sounds like you have an ax to grind with the wife, who actually did NOTHING wrong here. She was blindsided by her husband and YOU, since at least you knew about her prior to sleeping with her husband.

 

Why can't you respect the wishes of them - because obviously he gave her your email address and she did copy him on the email and HE did tel you he would not be contacting you again.

 

Why are you so hung up on making sure he knows all the details? He obviously isn't interested in "co-parenting' with you. And yes, this is totally different than the other kids with your ex - you and he were married. You and he weren't sneaking around. Think about how you would feel if during the 'good' times of your first marriage his mistress popped up pregnant. Would you really want to hear from her?

 

And honestly, I don't understand why you think your son will ask questions about "where are the baby pictures of dad holding me when I was born". It will be hard enough for you to explain how you were dad's OW and slept with him while he was married to his stepmom.

 

As for co-parenting - yes, HE is the one who you would schedule visitation with, but SHE will be the one taking care of Junior when Junior is visiting Why intentionally piss her off?

 

You still seem to want to be 'secret' with him, which is why you only want to respond to the email address he has possibly hidden from his wife as opposed to sending the information to the email address she wrote to you on. Why is it so hard to send the email address to him to that email address? Is it because you are wanting to continue the affair? Do you think he will leave his wife for you?

 

Are you prepared for him to only want to financially support his son and not provide emotional or physical support?

 

Thanks everyone. I will just make sure he has the date ahead of time sent via email, but I will send it to the last email he used to contact me (I had told him that is what I would do unless he told me otherwise, which he never responded to), and then I will notify him the same way after baby is born. That also gives me a record of what contact there has been in case it becomes some sort of an issue down the road.

 

Again, send it to the email address that she wrote to you on. He may have deleted that account.

 

I don't think it is realistic to expect this situation to be the same as with your exH. You were married to your exH, but this man was married to someone else when he fathered your baby. That makes a difference.

 

Since in another post you said his wife is the only one who can financially support another baby right now, it would make sense to communicate with both of them through the channels she suggested. You need to think of what is best for your baby and not whether you think it is unfair or wrong somehow not to be able to communicate with her husband through his secret email. That email may not be secret anymore. Also he said he would have no contact and he seems to be following through on that. Meanwhile, his wife has given you a communication channel if you need it. Use it for the benefit of the baby when you need to. Also, his is less painful to her than what you are doing, trying to communicate secretly, even after both her and her H said there would be no such contact.

 

DITTO

 

And his wife has a record of how you were asked to communicate and he has a record saying there would be no further contact of the type that you insist on continuing. I don't think this puts you in a good legal position. Him and his wife could use your emails as proof that you tried to continue secret, affair-type communication, and ignored the open communication channel they gave you.

 

However, your decision.

 

Agree

[debby]

My answers in bold.

 

Sounds like you have an ax to grind with the wife, who actually did NOTHING wrong here. She was blindsided by her husband and YOU, since at least you knew about her prior to sleeping with her husband. I have no ax to grind here with her, but I also don't have to follow her instructions when they are due to insecurity and are not what her husband wishes when it comes to communicating about our son.

 

Why can't you respect the wishes of them - because obviously he gave her your email address and she did copy him on the email and HE did tel you he would not be contacting you again. You are wrong. After she emailed, he emailed me to apologize since he didn't know she was going to do that and to tell me that his wife felt it needed to be this way, and he was sorry and would be in contact in the future, though he wasn't sure when. He went on to say that he thought things would get better, but that the pain was still too fresh for her and in time would be better. I didn't get all specific before in explaining that. Didn't realize I'd need to.

 

Why are you so hung up on making sure he knows all the details? Huh? How is telling him when his child is born and telling him what he needs to know about the DNA testing "details"?? He obviously isn't interested in "co-parenting' with you. Any you know this...how? And yes, this is totally different than the other kids with your ex - you and he were married. You and he weren't sneaking around. Think about how you would feel if during the 'good' times of your first marriage his mistress popped up pregnant. Would you really want to hear from her? You have no idea what I went through in my first marriage which happened to be a nightmare that I stayed in for many years. A pregnant mistress would not have been a surprise in the least. There were many, many opportunities for that to happen. In addition, I never blamed the mistresses my ex had, nor his OW, now wife. I hold him responsible for his straying.

 

And honestly, I don't understand why you think your son will ask questions about "where are the baby pictures of dad holding me when I was born". It will be hard enough for you to explain how you were dad's OW and slept with him while he was married to his stepmom. No, it won't be hard. You give only the facts a child wants that are age appropriate and desired by the child. He wouldn't even be alive to ask if I hadn't slept with his father, and I am sure he will, if he is like most people, be grateful to be alive. I won't be apologizing for his birth.

 

As for co-parenting - yes, HE is the one who you would schedule visitation with, but SHE will be the one taking care of Junior when Junior is visiting. Um...no, he is the primary caregiver of their 5 year old. His wife works out of town and spends time with them when he can drive out with the daughter on breaks from school. It works out to a few days a month.

 

You still seem to want to be 'secret' with him, which is why you only want to respond to the email address he has possibly hidden from his wife as opposed to sending the information to the email address she wrote to you on. No, I could send it to his facebook, but would prefer to send it where he wants me to. I'd just like for him to tell me where. Why is it so hard to send the email address to him to that email address? Maybe because it is hers...halfway across the country from him, and she might very well not share it with him. Is it because you are wanting to continue the affair? It was never what I'd call an affair. Do you think he will leave his wife for you? No...but she may leave him, and even if they split, I don't want him as a spouse or SO. We would NOT be together that way. I don't want to be married...been there, done that. As it stands, he is a cheater, like very many men, and that would be unlikely to change. He cheated on me when we dated...which we did for 7 years. I can be a friend to him, but not in a relationship. All the reasons I couldn't see us working out long ago which are why I broke off the relationship are still there today.

 

I don't want to be secretive, but I also don't care to communicate through her as a third party. In time when she settles down if they "make it", then I can see that possibly happening, but what she wants is due to her feeling threatened and shifting into self-defense mode. It isn't my job to "fix" that for her. Nor do I need to have her lash out at me. It has been a tough pregnancy as it is. High blood pressure is forcing an early delivery and I don't need unpleasantness stressing me further. Communicating through her opens up that risk right now. FOB told me that "she can't handle anything to do with me right now", so I think that would probably include emails about the baby her husband is having with me. I am not trying to be secretive. I see it as not rubbing something in her face that she isn't up to dealing with.

 

Are you prepared for him to only want to financially support his son and not provide emotional or physical support?

That would actually probably be easier for me if he just sent child support, but since he has no income of his own right now (this issue being exactly the type of thing that made me break it off with him), I am not sure how much he will help financially. He has expressed his desire to be involved in his son's life and be a father. I may have to settle for that...or maybe nothing at all. Who knows? As far as what I am prepared for, I am prepared to totally "go it alone" if I need to...financially, emotionally and physically. All I am trying to do is open the door for what he says is important to him.

 

 

[pureinheart]

Hey Debby ((((((((hugs)))))))))

 

I can imagine how scary it is to be having a little bundle at 40, although everything will be fine:)...my best friend had an A with a guy we worked with and she got pregnant right around 40 and now her little girl is I think about 12...it was so sad Debby, he was in an arranged marriage and he fell in love with my friend...I can't remember how everything went down, but I'm not sure he has ever seen his daughter by the woman that he truely loved...he almost went mad with grief I think and went off the deep end. He started drinking heavily and eventually got fired...no one has heard from him. My friend went off the deep end too, she's not the same since he vanished.

 

Wow Debby, please keep us updated on you and your new baby!

 

The wife might be your friends shot caller, but she's not yours...by the tone of your OP concerning her I would not want communication with her, IMO it should all go through your friend...if he wants to tell her what's up, I would leave that up to him, he's a big boy.

 

Desert is right, the important issue is you and the baby and I'm glad you didn't have an amnio, as sticking a needle in the babies living quarters is not a good idea

[pureinheart]

Hey Debby ((((((((hugs)))))))))

 

I can imagine how scary it is to be having a little bundle at 40, although everything will be fine:)...my best friend had an A with a guy we worked with and she got pregnant right around 40 and now her little girl is I think about 12...it was so sad Debby, he was in an arranged marriage and he fell in love with my friend...I can't remember how everything went down, but I'm not sure he has ever seen his daughter by the woman that he truely loved...he almost went mad with grief I think and went off the deep end. He started drinking heavily and eventually got fired...no one has heard from him. My friend went off the deep end too, she's not the same since he vanished.

 

Wow Debby, please keep us updated on you and your new baby!

 

The wife might be your friends shot caller, but she's not yours...by the tone of your OP concerning her I would not want communication with her, IMO it should all go through your friend...if he wants to tell her what's up, I would leave that up to him, he's a big boy.

 

Desert is right, the important issue is you and the baby and I'm glad you didn't have an amnio, as sticking a needle in the babies living quarters is not a good idea

 

Hi Deb, my pc was messing up so I wanted to get the first part posted so that it wasn't lost. Also I saw high blood pressure, is it due to the pregnancy or is that normal for you?

 

Have you looked into natural remedies for high b/p. I have Graves Disease (hyperthyroidism) which when I am hyper my b/p goes up along with pulse rate...I had a pulse rate of 130 at one time. They wanted to put me on b/p meds but I would not do it (am real funny about certain pills) and used natural methods.

 

You don't have your PM deal yet (we don't get that until we've been on board a month with 50 posts or so...) or I would PM you just to talk about stuff to keep your mind off of this heavy stuff.

 

Please stay as calm as you can, I'm really concerned about you, baby, and older babies...so if it is ok with you, you are in my prayers and thoughts daily till I know all is well with you via LS or the Spirit:) GBU and more (((((hugs))))))

[desertIslandCactus]

Just read your last post Debbie.

 

Not that it matters, but it showed me why he is being evasive communication-wise. It looks as if he is dependent on his wife, at least financially.

 

I am with you 100% - with what you are going through, and that you don't need the extra burden of the wife calling the shots.

 

I'm glad you are prepared to go it alone. (You won't be alone.) And while at least offering the father opportunity to partake.

 

Most of all, Thank You for giving this child the opportunity to know life. He will be a blessing to all.

[debby]

Hi Deb, my pc was messing up so I wanted to get the first part posted so that it wasn't lost. Also I saw high blood pressure, is it due to the pregnancy or is that normal for you?

 

The BP is due to pregnancy. I am on meds for it (for about the last month). My age is probably contributing as well, but I did deal with it in milder form when pregnant with my youngest. It resolved itself shortly after birth.

 

Please stay as calm as you can, I'm really concerned about you, baby, and older babies...so if it is ok with you, you are in my prayers and thoughts daily till I know all is well with you via LS or the Spirit:) GBU and more (((((hugs))))))

 

Thank you.

[debby]

Not that it matters, but it showed me why he is being evasive communication-wise. It looks as if he is dependent on his wife, at least financially.

 

I am with you 100% - with what you are going through, and that you don't need the extra burden of the wife calling the shots.

 

[i'm glad you are prepared to go it alone. (You won't be alone.) And while at least offering the father opportunity to partake.

 

Most of all, Thank You for giving this child the opportunity to know life. He will be a blessing to all.

 

Good point about the wife and income situation. I'd thought about that, but didn't really weigh it heavily enough.

 

I am looking forward to meeting my son. It won't be long now!

 

Thank you.

Edited November 7, 2010 by debby

[Ellin]

Hi, Debby.

 

You didn't have to add any more details than you did in your OP, which to me made perfect sense.

 

Most posters are here to support you and are sympathetic; sometimes though you encounter someone who's judgemental and seems to indulge in ripping your posts to pieces, adding many wild assumptions in the process, which you feel you need to put straight.

 

You feel you're being put in a place where you have to defend yourself and it takes a lot of your time and emotional energy to respond to that - it's not worth it.

 

Stick with the posters who have something constructive to say about your problem.

 

I wanted to say congratulations on expecting your little boy who will bring so much joy to your life.

 

I understand why you want to communicate with the father of the child and not his wife, especially considering the tone in which she wrote to you.

 

The main thing is, I guess, what is the best way to ensure that the information is actually reaching him.

 

I understand that it's important to you that he knows about such significant events like the day of the birth etc. I'm sure it's also important to him, however he's caught up in a difficult situation and you don't know what exactly is going on in his M right now and the best thing is if you can distance yourself from that and have as happy experience having your baby as possible.

 

All the best.