threebyfate Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 When he was here Wednesday night, he was talking about how he felt. He did say that he should take some time for himself and focus on his work, etc. I said, trying to be helpful, "Yes...and I understand if you don't want to see me for a little while, whatever..." and he said, "You're not the only person in my life." WTF? I just sat there and said, "I know, I didn't mean it that way...I was just trying to help." He apologized, and squeezed my hand.Whoah, were there more examples during your relationship of his attempt to minimalize you, beyond the very,very good friend discussion and now, his passive-aggressive withdrawal? Had he said this or something similar: "I need some time right now to process my uncle's death. Right now I'm torn apart inside. While I love/care about you, I'm falling apart. Plse understand". What would your reaction have been?
Author tigressA Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 Wait... So he said he needed time and you basically told him you were okay with him taking the time he needs? And... What does "you're not the only person in my life" mean? This has to be the most confusing very very good friendship ever! I know what it meant. He was talking in a general sense--friends, etc. Yeah, I basically told him I was okay with it. TBF, I totally would've understood had he said that to me. I would've said, "Fine, I understand, take whatever time you need."
welikeincrowds Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 But it's extremely relevant. Do you know how to have a functional and happy relationship? Have you honestly had one or are in one now? Yes. Could you explain how difficult it is to say to a loved one "I need some time right now to process my uncle's death. Right now I'm torn apart inside. While I love/care about you, I'm falling apart. Plse understand".Please. Listen to what I am saying as I am now repeating myself. No, it is not difficult to say that under normal circumstances. It would be immensely difficult to say that to a loved one if you are grieving. "I'm falling apart." What makes you think that this topic can be discussed so flippantly, that it is expected of you to say something like this, that it is not a noble display of personal courage to admit to something like this? It would be difficult. And it may be impossible, if, for example, you have not even accepted that the death is real. And for what? Why must he say these things to you? So that you can check off the box that says "Yes, I'm being shown tokens of respect right now, even in this difficult time. Yes, he's a good man." Where was the trust, threebyfate? The trust that he is withdrawn because he must withdraw? And that -- finally -- it doesn't have to do with you? That it should not involve you? And that it does not reflect on his respect for you and your relationship? Did you not read when I said "I can't imagine even looking at a phone without breaking down when my mother dies"? I am absolutely certain that this would be true. That you think you can define ahead of time which behaviors are and are not "acceptable to you," like you can know the depth of another person's grief, and come out of it with a list of rules. Your selfishness is infuriating. We're not talking about the common tropes of a functional relationship. We're talking about events that are potentially devastating to the psyche. And you're really going to come back at me with a bunch of key words about "what makes it work." Are you certain that you've experienced the loss of someone close to you? Yes, I can be, because as I said, everyone grieves differently. When will you acknowledge this? I'm focused on tigress's relationship with her very, very good friend and the circumstances surrounding her calling it quits. Are you? Because you refuse to acknowledge what I've reminded you time and again. They are not in a long-term relationship. The standards to which you hold your loving husband are not appropriate for this man and this situation, and yet you continue to press them as though they are, and judge him for not meeting them. There is more to this story than this event, which is why we can disagree on this event and agree on the bigger picture. But for this particular case, you are being unfair.
threebyfate Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 TBF, I totally would've understood had he said that to me. I would've said, "Fine, I understand, take whatever time you need."A matter of simple and honest communication. Don't know why this is such a complex issue to understand for some.
Kamille Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 : Yeah, I basically told him I was okay with it. And his only response was something that was meant to say "I have to be with my family and friends right now?" Did he say anything else when you told him you understood if he didn't see you for a little while? And why did you offer that if you didn't mean it?
Author tigressA Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 (edited) Whoah, were there more examples during your relationship of his attempt to minimalize you, beyond the very,very good friend discussion and now, his passive-aggressive withdrawal? Yeah, I'll give you one big example: Even when we were on Skype, if he got an incoming call, he would usually tell me to hold on and it would be as much as half an hour or more sometimes before he got back on. Or when we were out together, he would take calls. Most of the time they were short, but a few times they were longer than they should've been considering that he had company, and especially, company he HARDLY EVER HAS. I never brought up that I had a problem with it, but really...he couldn't be that clueless to not realize what he was doing was rude. Then again, he's done it while we were hanging out with friends too. So who knows! Welikeincrowds, I have to disagree on what you're saying about the "long-term relationship" thing. C was always the one who would bring up the future, asking me if I would stay with him if he had to go back to India, if I would go see him, blah blah blah, etc. He even brought up marriage...how his parents would react to us being together...etc. He would worry that I wouldn't want to be with him anymore if it got "that" difficult. He was so concerned with our future that he disregarded our present. Edited November 7, 2010 by tigressA
Author tigressA Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 And his only response was something that was meant to say "I have to be with my family and friends right now?" Did he say anything else when you told him you understood if he didn't see you for a little while? And why did you offer that if you didn't mean it? No, he didn't say anything else other than that, with regard to me or our relationship. And I thought I could handle it. My first instinct was to be helpful, so I said that. Apparently I couldn't hack it, which is why this thread exists.
welikeincrowds Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 Welikeincrowds, I have to disagree on what you're saying about the "long-term relationship" thing. C was always the one who would bring up the future, asking me if I would stay with him if he had to go back to India, if I would go see him, blah blah blah, etc. He even brought up marriage...how his parents would react to us being together...etc. He would worry that I wouldn't want to be with him anymore if it got "that" difficult. He was so concerned with our future that he disregarded our present. Yes, exactly. He would discuss a future with you, and yet he wouldn't call you his girlfriend in the present. Because he's a dick, presumably. This is why I say you were not in a long-term relationship. Which is why I support your decision.
Author tigressA Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 Yes, exactly. He would discuss a future with you, and yet he wouldn't call you his girlfriend in the present. Because he's a dick, presumably. This is why I say you were not in a long-term relationship. Which is why I support your decision. Thanks. He spouted off this stuff about how the terms "boyfriend/girlfriend" are akin to being engaged in his culture and that was why he felt uncomfortable with it. I had read similar things, and heard similar things, from others familiar with the culture. But I couldn't help thinking: Oh yeah? Well we're not in India, and your family and friends from home are nowhere near us!
threebyfate Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 Yeah, I'll give you one big example: Even when we were on Skype, if he got an incoming call, he would usually tell me to hold on and it would be as much as half an hour or more sometimes before he got back on. Or when we were out together, he would take calls. Most of the time they were short, but a few times they were longer than they should've been considering that he had company, and especially, company he HARDLY EVER HAS. I never brought up that I had a problem with it, but really...he couldn't be that clueless to not realize what he was doing was rude. Then again, he's done it while we were hanging out with friends too. So who knows!More disregard and disrespectful behaviour. More relationship imbalance. I suspect there will be members who will jump on this and ask "Why did you put up with this behaviour? Why not tell him that it bothers you?". Add it all up and once again, the pattern of bad behaviour holds true. He really doesn't have a clue about how to treat an SO with respect.
johan Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 He was clearly a complete jerk. You were lucky to escape when you did.
TheMENemy Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 Actually OP's un-boyfriend was completely honest with her from what I can see. Why all the hate directed at him? He clearly told her they did not have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
Crazy Magnet Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 Mostly I just want to know if/when this guy contacts you and whether or not you ignore it. Go ahead and re-activate that profile hun. Might as well start browsing. lol
johan Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 Actually OP's un-boyfriend was completely honest with her from what I can see. Why all the hate directed at him? He clearly told her they did not have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Because he didn't want what she wanted. Some nerve that guy had.
Author tigressA Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 More disregard and disrespectful behaviour. More relationship imbalance. I suspect there will be members who will jump on this and ask "Why did you put up with this behaviour? Why not tell him that it bothers you?". Add it all up and once again, the pattern of bad behaviour holds true. He really doesn't have a clue about how to treat an SO with respect. He really doesn't. Ah well, it's not my problem anymore. He can peruse his BBW porn and after not too long I'm sure his mom will arrange for him to marry some plump, plain, boring, completely submissive Bengali woman.
Kamille Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 More disregard and disrespectful behaviour. More relationship imbalance. I suspect there will be members who will jump on this and ask "Why did you put up with this behaviour? Why not tell him that it bothers you?". Yes! Communication advocate here! Add it all up and once again, the pattern of bad behaviour holds true. He really doesn't have a clue about how to treat an SO with respect. And if Tigress had managed to speak up about what bothered her, she would have realized earlier he has no clue how to build a relationship. I'm still intrigued by the extent to which TigressA consistently failed to be honest about her needs and boundaries, not just to him, but to herself. I think she let fear of losing him hinder proper communication.
johan Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 ...she would have realized earlier he has no clue how to build a relationship. How can you conclude that? No one here has actually seen him try.
Author tigressA Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 How can you conclude that? No one here has actually seen him try. Uh...*raises hand*...:laugh:
Star Gazer Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 And if Tigress had managed to speak up about what bothered her, she would have realized earlier he has no clue how to build a relationship. I'm still intrigued by the extent to which TigressA consistently failed to be honest about her needs and boundaries, not just to him, but to herself. I think she let fear of losing him hinder proper communication. By someone's standards in this thread, TA's own failure to speak up about her needs/what bothered her, is just as bad as C's own failure to speak up about his needs/what's bothering him. So, if he's selfish for his failures to communicate...so is she.
Kamille Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 How can you conclude that? No one here has actually seen him try. The few times she brought up concerns, he twisted things around and made it seem like she was being unreasonable or self-centered. That's what I draw my conclusion from. But you're right... No one but TA has actually seen him try to build a relationship .
Author tigressA Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 Mostly I just want to know if/when this guy contacts you and whether or not you ignore it. Go ahead and re-activate that profile hun. Might as well start browsing. lol I haven't decided if I'll ignore it or not. I keep thinking that I'll just pick up if he calls and tell him it's over, then hang up. I'm really doubting that he will call, though. As for the profile, I was thinking about it, but I'm not ready.
johan Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 Uh...*raises hand*...:laugh: He wouldn't even call you his girlfriend. Are you sure he was making an effort?
e.clipse Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 i agree with Star. unless i misunderstood her, she made excellent points concerning his character. i don't think he is a jerk. i think that he is going through a lot of grief, not just from the sudden and unexpected death of something very close to him, but also facing the possibility of a crumbling future. some of you are saying that this is not an excuse to ignore Tigress, but are making it seem like he is doing out of malice. were he not facing any of these things and just stress from his job/everyday life, then he would most certainly be an *******, but this is not the case with him. Tigress admitted it herself that they are not a "serious" couple, so, to be honest, it's not as though he is being evasive with a wife or with a serious significant other. just like she thinks these issues are too much for the type of dating they are doing, he may also feel that the issues he is facing are not things to be discussed with her yet. this does not make either of them selfish. secondly, note that this guy has no idea Tigress has already "ended" things. while, yes, now is not a prudent time to discuss these things, it's not as though they arose overnight; they have been boiling for some time, and that is something she let happen by not sooner vocalizing her dissatisfaction in the relationship. she didn't talk. now he is not talking. again, this doesn't make either of them selfish. thirdly, people need to remember that everyone deals with grief differently, and it is unfair to hold someone to our personal standards and then declare them "selfish" or a "jerk" is these standards are no met. personally, i know that when i "lost" my dad, as horribly as i was hurting, LS was the only place i could vent about it. i couldn't reach out to people, not because i was being hurtful, but because i was overwhelmed to the point where i could not find the strength or energy to form thoughts that could be expressed. my phone would ring. i would get voicemails, texts, email, etc., and i listened to all of them, but i could not call them back. i was never ungrateful to hear someone's sweet and sympathetic words, and it deeply warmed my heart. however, i could only say "thank you" inside of myself, as the tears would quickly cloud my everything. it was a quite possibly the most difficult moment of my life, and i honestly don't know what i would have done without those words of care and concern. later, i came around, when i was ready, and everything was talked out with everyone who cared. some of you don't think that is acceptable, and that is fine. that doesn't make people like "us" jerks or selfish pricks, however. just different. lastly, while your feelings are not things to be disregarded, i have to say that, right now, you are feeling unwanted by this "guy"; he is feeling the devastating loss of his uncle and possible loss of the future he has worked so hard for. in my opinion, he has more on his plate. as Star said, neither of you are the bad guys; there is no bad guy here. except for the bad guy known as incompatibility. Ohh, how interesting. I couldn't really resist stalking him on Facebook for a minute, and I noticed that his friends list was SEVERELY cut down--to 24, from what used to be almost 100. What can be concluded other than that he has time to be on Facebook, and yet no time to respond to my voicemails. I knew I was right in ending it. This only confirms it even further. how do you know he is logging into facebook to do some friend spring cleaning? those other 76 people well could have done what you did and de-friended him. also, please know that it is easier to log into facebook and do some mindless clicking than it is to have a "talk" with someone you are dating, particularly considering what he is going through and that the "talks" are never really "happy talks." have you ever gone through something difficult and just gone online, or anything similar, and poured in time into nothingness? how do you know he just isn't there by his PC, feeling like s.hit, thinking about his uncle, you, work, or all three? in this regard, i think you are being dramatic. all of this aside, i think it is good that you chose to no longer see him. again, he does not strike me as a bad person, from what you have posted, just someone going through a hard time and dealing with it in ways you don't find acceptable. you two are just incompatible, and, as such, it should just be let go. i do think you should at least let him know, though. it seems childish otherwise, as are the suggestions that you should play games with him by giving him the silent treatment until he comes back around with an "excuse."
threebyfate Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 He really doesn't. Ah well, it's not my problem anymore. He can peruse his BBW porn and after not too long I'm sure his mom will arrange for him to marry some plump, plain, boring, completely submissive Bengali woman. A perfect match!
Author tigressA Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 The few times she brought up concerns, he twisted things around and made it seem like she was being unreasonable or self-centered. That's what I draw my conclusion from. But you're right... No one but TA has actually seen him try to build a relationship . Yep, that's exactly what he did. In reality, I tried to assert myself much more than what I ever stated here--almost every time I felt I should--and that's what happened every single time. I started to believe his bull****. He always turned himself into the victim.
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