welikeincrowds Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Thank you tigress. So the next time someone else throws around the FWB titles or suggests that it was all in your head, then the response will be as it should be and as it was, "no, they were b/f and g/f". Oh my, so you did have a hand after all. Great bluff. I'd probably lose my house to you.
Star Gazer Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Hm, I can't say I agree with this. An apology isn't a denial. It's an expression of regret. And you've just expressed regret. I'm not saying it makes sense for you to apologize at this point. But I don't see a justification for its dismissal entirely. Agreed. I also don't think apologizing right now would be helpful. I think it would just confuse him and make him feel worse. An apology shouldn't be made to alleviate one's guilt, but to make amends.
Author tigressA Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 I don't think I'll ever have a thread this big again...:laugh: Anyway. You say there isn't a justification for the dismissal of an apology, Welikeincrowds. But is there a justification for an apology? I don't particularly think so. It wouldn't take any of the hurt out of what I said, or change anything at all. I don't see a point in doing it, ever.
OceanGirl Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 I think you did absolutely the right thing. You have followed your instincts to the very end. I also think that his reply was ice cold. You clearly stated that you think you love him and that you feel he doesn't really feel the same way. Have you been wrong on this, he would have fought for you. He would have called you, scratch that, he would have been knocking on your door assuring you that he does feel the same and asking you to work things out. Anything else is LAME and BS. Some women on this thread make me wonder if their expectations of men in their life are so low, that they will clearly allow for someone to treat them like c*ap just so they can continue being in a relationship. It seems to me that their advice reflects that they have never been treated how a woman should.
welikeincrowds Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 You say there isn't a justification for the dismissal of an apology, Welikeincrowds. But is there a justification for an apology? I don't particularly think so. It wouldn't take any of the hurt out of what I said, or change anything at all. I don't see a point in doing it, ever. Good question. One apologizes to free oneself and others from regret. If you have no regrets, then I agree. There's no point.
threebyfate Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Oh my, so you did have a hand after all. Great bluff. I'd probably lose my house to you.No hand at all. I try to give advice based on as many facts as possible and where there are missing pieces, try to get it from source. tigress, do you honestly want to apologize now for sending the email? It's a bit late for that and anything further just drags this endlessly on and on and on, for no valid reason. In all honesty, I felt the email shouldn't have been sent but it was done so why go through this endless circling with what's already been done? These types of hindsight discussions are pretty useless.
Star Gazer Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Have you been wrong on this, he would have fought for you. He would have called you, scratch that, he would have been knocking on your door assuring you that he does feel the same and asking you to work things out. Anything else is LAME and BS. Some women on this thread make me wonder if their expectations of men in their life are so low, that they will clearly allow for someone to treat them like c*ap just so they can continue being in a relationship. It seems to me that their advice reflects that they have never been treated how a woman should. I think what posts like THIS show is that you don't understand men well at all. Most men, when dumped, don't FIGHT to stay in a relationship. Particularly with someone who does the dumping the way she did. I'm honestly surprised she didn't get this response: "Well, your email is quite contradictory. I would think that if you LOVED me, you would have told me the same for the first time in some other way other than a breakup email. You seem quite resolute in your decision, so there's really nothing left to be said." Either that or: "WTF? Okay..." Because really, what else is he supposed to say???
Author tigressA Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 Good question. One apologizes to free oneself and others from regret. If you have no regrets, then I agree. There's no point. I do feel bad about how I worded the email. I do. But the more overwhelming feeling I have is that there is absolutely no point in rehashing things with him. I would create a mess if I were to approach him again at all. I want to leave it as it is, so no, I will not apologize.
welikeincrowds Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 These types of hindsight discussions are pretty useless. And here I thought I was the only advocate for the classic "Make Mistakes And Don't Learn From Them" paradigm. The quickest way to grow, I think. I do agree that an apology email would be inappropriate.
Star Gazer Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 In all honesty, I felt the email shouldn't have been sent ... What an interesting change... ... but it was done so why go through this endless circling with what's already been done? These types of hindsight discussions are pretty useless. Are you kidding? Hindsight is how you LEARN from your mistakes. Do you suggest she just continue dropping bombs and not look back at the aftermath? Not learn from this?? Yikes!!!
threebyfate Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 And here I thought I was the only advocate for the classic "Make Mistakes And Don't Learn From Them" paradigm. The quickest way to grow, I think. I do agree that an apology email would be inappropriate. Hindsight discussion is good. Cross examination and insistence is bad.
Star Gazer Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 I do feel bad about how I worded the email. I do. But the more overwhelming feeling I have is that there is absolutely no point in rehashing things with him. I would create a mess if I were to approach him again at all. I want to leave it as it is, so no, I will not apologize. How about something short and to the point?: "I want to apologize for the method and medium I chose to end things. I originally felt that a short message conveying the end result would be better than a long drawn out discussion about why, as an emotional conversation is not what either one of us needs right now. However, in hindsight I realize that although we want different things, what we had was special and I should have honored that better in the way I communicated my decision to you."
threebyfate Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 What an interesting change... Go back and you'll see that I never suggested or advocated an email. You really have to learn to read more carefully before making more conjectures.
Green Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 What an interesting change... Are you kidding? Hindsight is how you LEARN from your mistakes. Do you suggest she just continue dropping bombs and not look back at the aftermath? Not learn from this?? Yikes!!! When an expirement went wrong in the labe I was given the power of "hindsight" with this power I am Captain Hind sight.
Star Gazer Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Hindsight discussion is good. Cross examination and insistence is bad. There has been no cross examination or insistence. What there has been is a relatively quick and voluntary acknowledgement by TA that the way she handled this was wrong... sincere regret on her part. It takes a big woman for her to admit she misstepped. She should be congratulated for that much. From hindsight she wil grow into a better person and future GF to someone else.
Author tigressA Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 How about something short and to the point?: "I want to apologize for the method and medium I chose to end things. I originally felt that a short message conveying the end result would be better than a long drawn out discussion about why, as an emotional conversation is not what either one of us needs right now. However, in hindsight I realize that although we want different things, what we had was special and I should have honored that better in the way I communicated my decision to you." No. If I reach out to him at all it will create something neither of us wants. I am not going to apologize to him. What's done is done. My guilt is not nearly enough to even be equal to, much less overwhelm, the feeling that I will create a mess if I reach out again.
welikeincrowds Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Hindsight discussion is good. Cross examination and insistence is bad. That's a pretty fragile distinction. You may as well have said "hindsight discussion is good, cross examination and insistence is hindsight discussion I don't agree with." Doesn't really matter, does it? Unless you're willing to start pointing out examples of good and bad discussion, and I don't think you'd want to waste your time doing that. Unless you were hoping one would learn from one's mistakes.
threebyfate Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 No. If I reach out to him at all it will create something neither of us wants. I am not going to apologize to him. What's done is done. My guilt is not nearly enough to even be equal to, much less overwhelm, the feeling that I will create a mess if I reach out again.It would be a mistake to even consider this tonight. Sleep on it. My advice is for you not to send any further emails, apology or otherwise. To do so would be a big mistake.
northern_sky Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 don't go back on your email, Tigress, or apologize. I think your anger was justified. It probably would have been more ideal to tell him in person or wait for him to contact you over the phone, but whatever. The the basic sentiment you communicated was good. I also don't feel like you were trying to punish him by telling him you loved him. You were telling him how much it hurt to be treated like this by somebody you really cared about. And so what if you wanted to send him a little jab? The way he acted was crap, and the death of his uncle didn't justify his behavior.
Kamille Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 I think the email was well phrased and TA did the right thing by being honest about how she felt about him. I don't see it as manipulative at all. She came clean, gave him the information he needed. As a result, she now knows exactly where he stands and doesn't have to wonder anymore. I imagine that even though she will grieve this relationship, last night she must have felt an immense sense of clarity and relief. I'm shocked that people have so little compassion and will continue harping on her over details when she just lost a relationship that was significant to her. TA does take criticism really well. She has consistently admitted when she felt there were actions she could change and I do believe she has learned a lot about herself in this relationship. But come on people, they just officially broke up! Do you expect her to process the whole break up in less than 2 days? TA, you know my affection for you, but this isn't the way people should break up. Doing it over the phone or E-mail is not very mature, IMO. I respectfully disagree. While a face to face meeting is always best, I don't see how she could have done it differently in this case, without continuing this torturous limbo until he finally made time for her. If someone doesn't return phone calls or messages and struggles to make time to see you, then one is left with very little means of communication. The email was well-written, sincere and effective. No. If I reach out to him at all it will create something neither of us wants. I am not going to apologize to him. What's done is done. My guilt is not nearly enough to even be equal to, much less overwhelm, the feeling that I will create a mess if I reach out again. Not to mention, you have no reason to apologize. You have a good head on your shoulders TA. I get the impression people have picked sides on this thread and are continuing an argument that started yesterday without realizing that conditions have changed.
Author tigressA Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 The basic sentiment you communicated was good. I also don't feel like you were trying to punish him by telling him you loved him. You were telling him how much it hurt to be treated like this by somebody you really cared about. And so what if you wanted to send him a little jab? The way he acted was crap, and the death of his uncle didn't justify his behavior. Yeah, this is basically how I saw it. I already said I absolutely will not contact him ever again, period, and I'm sticking with that. Edit: Just saw your post, Kamille. Thank you.
Art_Critic Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 I've lost a lot of respect today. SG.. when you went thru your breakup a while back ago were you not looking for support rather than to have your ass handed back to you ? Then why won't you give her the same support you yourself were looking for when you were going thru your breakup ? LS isn't here for him.. right now she is the one posting and post breakup and looking for support... JMO
Art_Critic Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 One apologizes to free oneself and others from regret. If you have no regrets, then I agree. There's no point. I always apologize to right a wrong that I made.. If I hurt another and realize it I make amends by accepting responsibility for my actions in hurting them. The only time I won't make amends is if it will injure them or others.
Art_Critic Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 My advice is for you not to send any further emails, apology or otherwise. To do so would be a big mistake. I agree....
LittleTiger Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 I can't believe how this post has 'taken off'. Where, on earth, did all this drama come from? Having caught up with the whole thread I agree with StarGazer, welikeincrowds and JustJoe. e.clipse is also spot on in her posts. As I said umpteen pages ago - 'boy meets girl' right the way to 'nasty name calling' in record time (see the divorce section for the usual timespan), and the guy involved has absolutely no idea what just happened!!!! I'm sure if he were to read this thread he'd consider himself to have had a lucky escape and, by the sounds of it Tigress, you've had a lucky escape too. I honestly think both parties are at fault here. Neither is ready for a relationship and both have a lot of work to do before they are. It all boils down to appalling communication on both sides, or more accurately, no communication at all. For heavens sake, they couldn't even agree whether or not they were bf/gf. Tigress, if you're looking for a long term partner please give yourself a bit of time to get your head together. I do hope that laughter you talked about was a reaction to what happened and not a sign of a cold character. I don't know you obviously, you've never struck me as cold in anything I've read before, and yet I now have visions of a witch cackling into her crystal ball. I suspect/hope in the morning you'll be feeling rather differently and be sorry for your (IMO) over-reaction to this situation. However you might feel, I think what's done is done. Learn from your mistakes and move on.
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