Author tigressA Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 ((((hugs)))) Cold as ice to the end. I needed to know, and that's why I put my feelings for him in the email--so I could see once and for all that he never felt even close to what I felt for him. And now I know. I didn't feel punched in the gut, or anything similar to that, when reading his response. I already had a feeling it would be just like what he wrote. I already had a feeling he viewed me as utterly disposable. It doesn't hurt much at all. I'm sure it will later; perhaps I'm just numb or too tired for it to really register.
threebyfate Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 I needed to know, and that's why I put my feelings for him in the email--so I could see once and for all that he never felt even close to what I felt for him. And now I know. I didn't feel punched in the gut, or anything similar to that, when reading his response. I already had a feeling it would be just like what he wrote. It doesn't hurt much at all. I'm sure it will later; perhaps I'm just numb or too tired for it to really register.I understand but my heart still breaks for you. He's ice cold, particularly after what you wrote to him. I can't fathom another human being who would act that way without injecting even a bit of warmth into a final email like that when they've opened their heart to you. Solid ice.
Author tigressA Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 I understand but my heart still breaks for you. He's ice cold, particularly after what you wrote to him. I can't fathom another human being who would act that way without injecting even a bit of warmth into a final email like that when they've opened their heart to you. Solid ice. Yep. I totally agree. Having concrete, written proof of his utter lack of feelings for me, it's easier for me to move on. I know I deserve a hell of a lot more than that. This makes me think of the last guy I dated. When I broke things off with him, he drove down the next day after work and camped outside the house for hours. He called me from outside, knocked on the door several times, etc. He would not leave until I came out to talk to him. That's an extreme example, but when I think I broke up with that guy and then later settled for crumbs with this ice-cold creature...I feel gross.
JustJoe Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Yep. I totally agree. Having concrete, written proof of his utter lack of feelings for me, it's easier for me to move on. I know I deserve a hell of a lot more than that. This makes me think of the last guy I dated. When I broke things off with him, he drove down the next day after work and camped outside the house for hours. He called me from outside, knocked on the door several times, etc. He would not leave until I came out to talk to him. That's an extreme example, but when I think I broke up with that guy and then later settled for crumbs with this ice-cold creature...I feel gross. After the E-mail you sent him, what did you expect him to say? He may or may not love you to pieces, but your e-mail stomped on it pretty hard. He has his pride, as you have yours.
Citizen Erased Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Proves more than before you did the right thing. What a dick. I'm thinking of you T, we are here for you. No doubt you will find someone that gives you all you deserve sweetie.
pandagirl Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 This is my first time chiming in on this thread, and I'm sorry to hear all this went down, T! I think this guy DID care for you, but he's not want you want or need. He's obviously only capable of so much emotion or expression -- might be the way he was raised, his culture, who knows -- but he's clearly not the kind of person that you desire in a loving relationship. Hopefully you learned more about yourself and what you want in a partner. That's all we can do!
Els Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 It's finally over. I did "the right thing" and I sent him an email. I wrote: "Hi, I want to let you know that I'm sorry for what you've been going through, and this relationship is not working out for me. I really care about you; I think I even love you. We just don't see important issues the same way, and I don't think you feel as much for me as I do for you. It's best not to see each other anymore. I hope you pull through this tough time. I wish you nothing but the best. TigressA" He replied, about half an hour ago. He wrote: "I don't know what to say on this. But I will respect your thoughts. Wish you all of my luck. C" Good. So proud of you, T. You did the right thing, came out of it with your head held high, and have closure instead of wondering what he really thinks. All the best in your future relationship!
northern_sky Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 It's finally over. I did "the right thing" and I sent him an email. I wrote: "Hi, I want to let you know that I'm sorry for what you've been going through, and this relationship is not working out for me. I really care about you; I think I even love you. We just don't see important issues the same way, and I don't think you feel as much for me as I do for you. It's best not to see each other anymore. I hope you pull through this tough time. I wish you nothing but the best. TigressA" He replied, about half an hour ago. He wrote: "I don't know what to say on this. But I will respect your thoughts. Wish you all of my luck. C" Good. Wow. :x That's the lamest response he could have possibly given. It sounds like he barely considered himself in a relationship.
Author tigressA Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 Whoa, I feel even more validated right now. A little while ago I messaged two of our mutual friends, who I met through him, on Facebook, saying this: "Hi...I don't know if you know already, but you will after seeing this. I don't know what you knew about my connection with C, but I ended it. It wasn't working, it wouldn't have worked in the future, and he never had the same feelings. So as a result, I highly doubt our paths will cross again. I just wanted to say that I really had fun getting to know you, and I wish you the best in life. TigressA" One of them, I'll call him "R", wrote me back with this: "Hi TigressA, don't take me wrong but one thing I want to say here is that whatever decision you have taken is right and I really appreciate that. His feelings towards his friends are totally different than what they should be and for this reason recently I am also really upset over his behavior. We used to be good friends but because of his taking everything for granted (especially friends) feelings have caused a mistrust to develop between us which I doubt will ever be fixed again. Although I got to know you because of him yet I would want to keep this friendship alive forever between us. You are a wonderful person and a lovely human being. Take care. --- R" Wow. So I wasn't the only person he was doing this to.
northern_sky Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 One of them, I'll call him "R", wrote me back with this: Although I got to know you because of him yet I would want to keep this friendship alive forever between us. You are a wonderful person and a lovely human being. --- R" What an opportunist.
Author tigressA Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 What an opportunist. Oh, geez! Like he'd really try to snap me up while I'm on the rebound from his best friend! :lmao: I wouldn't ever date him, anyway. Soooo not my type. He's real cool though, and I'm glad I got to know him. Thanks for the support, peeps. Much love. :love: I really feel heaps better now. I think I have really good post-breakup coping skills. Maybe I should bottle them.
threebyfate Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 His feelings towards his friends are totally different than what they should be and for this reason recently I am also really upset over his behavior. We used to be good friends but because of his taking everything for granted (especially friends) feelings have caused a mistrust to develop between us which I doubt will ever be fixed again.Whoah, so not only you but his BEST friend feels he takes people for granted and doesn't trust him anymore. Pretty bad stuff. Methinks you're lucky to have escaped!
welikeincrowds Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Wow, I don't know, TA. Think about what you just said to him. "I love you, but I want to leave you." And via email. You dumped him via email. And what, exactly, did you expect him to do in response? Even though this may be your true feelings, that behavior is manipulative. Why didn't you simply say "I don't think it's working out"? Why did you inject the "I think I love you"? What was your intention behind this? "So I could see once and for all." It wasn't simply to leave him. It was to test him. To **** with him. To poke him with an electric rod to see how he reacts. You pulled out a kitchen knife and put it against your wrist as if to say "I'll cut it because of you, I swear," and he called you on it. So cut your wrist, TA. Don't you think it's funny, that these are two firsts he's hearing about in this email? In an email? The first possibility of I love you, and the first time you're bringing up the possibility of a break-up. And both with such finality, with no possibility of discussion, behind the glass wall of your scrutiny. What did you expect? You didn't ask him for help. You wrote him to tell you've made the final decision. Fine, have your cake. If I received an email like that, I would do my best to take your actions as your word. In other words, I would ignore what you said, because I simply wouldn't believe you. People don't say I love you for the first time while in the middle of dumping them. That's cruel. That's certainly not an act of love. Again I don't know what you expected him to do after punishing him with an email like that. Hopefully it wasn't to chase you. Perhaps that's what your email was designed to do, but there are better ways TA. Don't hold it against him that your stunt backfired. All that said, I still think this is the best decision for you, and I wish you the best.
Author tigressA Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 As I said, Welikeincrowds, I already had had a feeling that was what he would write in response. And I wanted it. I wanted it in writing so it would be right in front of my face, so that I would know for certain that he cared little for me. I got it. I'm moving on. I'm all good.
JustJoe Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 TA, you know my affection for you, but this isn't the way people should break up. Doing it over the phone or E-mail is not very mature, IMO. Yes, you should break up with him, but if you're going to, why the need for validation? Speak to him face to face. You admitted yourself that he was unaware of your disatisfaction, right? So you sent him an E-mail that said Hi, I'm dumping you, Oh, BTW I might love you but you don't satisfy me. What possible kind of answer could he give?
welikeincrowds Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 As I said, Welikeincrowds, I already had had a feeling that was what he would write in response. That's sort of the point, right? I could have told you what he would have said, and I don't even know him. Most anyone might have said that. For that reason I don't think it's evidence that he considers you disposable. I don't want to take away from the sense of security you have in your decision. I also don't want you to trick yourself.
Author tigressA Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 TA, you know my affection for you, but this isn't the way people should break up. Doing it over the phone or E-mail is not very mature, IMO. Yes, you should break up with him, but if you're going to, why the need for validation? Speak to him face to face. You admitted yourself that he was unaware of your disatisfaction, right? So you sent him an E-mail that said Hi, I'm dumping you, Oh, BTW I might love you but you don't satisfy me. What possible kind of answer could he give? It's over. Done. I'm not going to speak to him face-to-face. He said he isn't arguing with me, so he wouldn't want to drive for 2 hours round trip just to hear my reasons for breaking up with him. I didn't feel like waiting until the next time I saw him in person (and who knows when that would've been...) to do it. And what kind of answer could he have given? THE exact one I expected and wanted. Sheesh. Stop harping on me for that, will ya?
Author tigressA Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 That's sort of the point, right? I could have told you what he would have said, and I don't even know him. Most anyone might have said that. For that reason I don't think it's evidence that he considers you disposable. I don't want to take away from the sense of security you have in your decision. I also don't want you to trick yourself. Trick myself? What do you mean by that?
welikeincrowds Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 THE exact one I expected and wanted. You mean like: "Wow, TA, how did it get to this? I was not expecting this email. Apparently I've gotten way too selfish and my head has been too far up my ass to have seen it. Please, all along I had no idea that you were feeling this way. And I've been thinking that I feel the same way about you, TA. I clearly haven't been showing it like I should. I'll call you tomorrow." Is that what you meant?
welikeincrowds Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Trick myself? What do you mean by that? I mean that you're prophesying. You're saying that you expected him to write this like it says something about his character and how he feels about you or your relationship, when it actually says more about the structure and content of your email. Of course he would say that, you didn't give him much of a choice. I can't think of a good analogy, so just try not to judge this ****ty one I came up with instead. It's like saying "I have a horrible spiritual aura. I can prove it! All my food goes bad when I'm around it. See?!? It's indisputable." When, in fact, you just didn't put your food in the fridge. Of course your food would go bad. It doesn't mean you have a horrible spiritual aura. Do you see now? Don't trick yourself. You may have reasons to feel like he was a bad guy, but his response to this email shouldn't be included as one of them.
Author tigressA Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 You mean like: "Wow, TA, how did it get to this? I was not expecting this email. Apparently I've gotten way too selfish and my head has been too far up my ass to have seen it. Please, all along I had no idea that you were feeling this way. And I've been thinking that I feel the same way about you, TA. I clearly haven't been showing it like I should. I'll call you tomorrow." Is that what you meant? Nope. There was nothing he could've said or done to make me feel like he deserved another chance. Like I said much earlier in this thread, things very likely would've fallen into the same dysfunctional, negative pattern if I had let myself get sucked in again because I had already set a permissive precedence for bad behavior. I made the decision to not let that happen ever again, particularly with him. His best friends are upset with his behavior, too. That should tell you something.
tami-chan Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 How is it possible to break up with someone who is not even your boyfriend in the first place? At best, it sounds like you had what was actually a very casual FWB/f-buddy relationship. You wanted it to be more, but it wasn't. All the "drama" of the relationship sounds like it is playing out only in your own mind, not in reality. A good example of this is your non-breakup "breakup." Honey if he doesn't know that you've decided to break up with him (forgetting for a minute the fact that there is nothing to break up in the first place--he's not your boyfriend!), then nothing has happened. Not really. You say that if he contacts you...only then, will you tell him of the break up. That's not how it should work. If you feel you've broken up with him regardless of him not knowing about it, then you should simply have complete No Contact with him. Contact by him or by you with him is a resumption of the supposedly broken-off relationship. Other than I suppose a very brief statement by you: "Didn't you hear? I broke up with you. Please don't contact me again." But that's a message you could deliver by email/txt/phone message, and it doesn't require a response from him, at all. :confused::confused: Wha...t?????? This is all in her head? What in the world...?
threebyfate Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 :confused::confused: Wha...t?????? This is all in her head? What in the world...?They were b/f and g/f.
welikeincrowds Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Nope. There was nothing he could've said or done to make me feel like he deserved another chance. Then why would you tell him you think you loved him? Why would you mention it at all? To punish him, TA. That's the cold part of this exchange. I don't blame you for wanting to punish him. But I'd prefer if you observed that this is what you were doing.
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