The End.

[Star Gazer]

Questions, Star...Say he didn't contact me after 3 or 4 days, or a week. Would that be breakup worthy? Where would the threshold be for you? And why shouldn't this be included in my analysis, in your opinion?

 

Well, first of all...given this:

 

So he said he needed time and you basically told him you were okay with him taking the time he needs...

 

I wouldn't have contacted him to tell him I had something I wanted to talk to him about. Given what he's going through, I would have volunteered. I would have said something like, "I'm here if you need me, need to talk, whatever. Until then, I'll give you some space..." and then I would have kept my word. I wouldn't have called him 3-4 times asking for him to respond to me.

 

I mean, c'mon. He told you what he needed. You agreed. You then pestered. He said I'll try. You continued to pester. He went into a cave.

 

How is any of this a surprise? How does this make him an arse???

 

Because he didn't want what she wanted. Some nerve that guy had.

 

Seriously.

 

BTW... the declaration by someone that unless you're in a happy marriage or LTR right now disqualifies your advice is the most absurd thing I've ever heard.

[Star Gazer]

I deleted him last night.

 

So as of this afternoon, it hadn't even been 2 days. As of last night, it hadn't even been one day.

 

Regardless, this was not a mature response to the situation at all. Do you think perhaps he noticed that you deleted him? Do you think he thinks he has any reason to reach out to you now, given that you "deleted" him from your life, from something so silly as FB? When HE is the one who's suffering right now??

[e.clipse]

BTW... the declaration by someone that unless you're in a happy marriage or LTR right now disqualifies your advice is the most absurd thing I've ever heard.

 

i missed this post while i was writing one of my essay responses. how ridiculous such declaration is, especially considering the nature of this forum.

 

seriously, wow.

[threebyfate]

Yep, that's exactly what he did. In reality, I tried to assert myself much more than what I ever stated here--almost every time I felt I should--and that's what happened every single time. I started to believe his bull****. He always turned himself into the victim.

He's good, isn't he? Mr. Twisty.

 

Anyways, I have to dash. Making a shrimp dinner for my big man and little man when they get home from Granny and Grandpa's place.

 

Lots of hugs and stuff tigress. Hold true. Ditch the loser. There are plenty of men who will treat you right.

 

There's no need for someone as bright, attractive and passionate as you, to put up with being treated badly.

[threebyfate]

i missed this post while i was writing one of my essay responses. how ridiculous such declaration is, especially considering the nature of this forum.

 

seriously, wow.

I totally stand by this. Not too many on LS have had functional and emotionally healthy relationships.

[tigressA]

So as of this afternoon, it hadn't even been 2 days. As of last night, it hadn't even been one day.

 

Regardless, this was not a mature response to the situation at all. Do you think perhaps he noticed that you deleted him? Do you think he thinks he has any reason to reach out to you now, given that you "deleted" him from your life, from something so silly as FB? When HE is the one who's suffering right now??

 

Because I had decided to break up with him last night, and this is what I do when I break up with a guy. I delete them. I deleted his number from my phone, I uninstalled Skype because he was my only contact, I blocked him in my Gmail, I deleted correspondence and pictures I had saved. All of it.

 

And I am not expecting him to reach out to me now. If he doesn't, good. If he does, good--I'm telling him it's over.

[e.clipse]

I totally stand by this. Not too many on LS have had functional and emotionally healthy relationships.

 

oh. okay. sorry Tigress, i didn't realize this thread was only for TBF to dispense advice.

 

ignore my post.

[Star Gazer]

Not too many on LS have had functional and emotionally healthy relationships.

 

The declaration was not made in the past tense. The declaration was made in the present tense, inquiring whether another poster on this thread is CURRENTLY married or in a LTR...because if not, he was not qualified to give TA advice.

 

This was obviously done to discredit all but two posters in the thread...

[denise_xo]

He really doesn't. Ah well, it's not my problem anymore. He can peruse his BBW porn and after not too long I'm sure his mom will arrange for him to marry some plump, plain, boring, completely submissive Bengali woman.

 

Oh, come on - give Bengali women a break, it's not their fault

[tigressA]

oh. okay. sorry Tigress, i didn't realize this thread was only for TBF to dispense advice.

 

ignore my post.

 

Jeeezus, why should I take anyone's advice in this thread once they've made snide remarks about other posters in it?

 

Anyway, I saw your posts. And while I agree with you and Star on some points, they're honestly not relevant anymore because I already broke up with him. I made the right decision for myself. The only thing is that he knows nothing about it yet. And I don't feel I am under any obligation to let him know unless he contacts me.

[Star Gazer]

Because I had decided to break up with him last night, and this is what I do when I break up with a guy. I delete them. I deleted his number from my phone, I uninstalled Skype because he was my only contact, I blocked him in my Gmail, I deleted correspondence and pictures I had saved. All of it.

 

And I am not expecting him to reach out to me now. If he doesn't, good. If he does, good--I'm telling him it's over.

 

At a base level, why did you make this decision? You were with him on Wednesday, just 4 days ago. Last night, it had only been 3 days. 3 days! During your conversation, he was down. Sad. Seemed off in space. But he 'd your gift. You offered to give him space. He accepted.

 

Now? You're punishing him for taking space he needed and which you willingly gave him.

[Kamille]

i do think you should at least let him know, though. it seems childish otherwise, as are the suggestions that you should play games with him by giving him the silent treatment until he comes back around with an "excuse."

 

I agree with this TA. I think you should grant yourself the time to cool down, clear your head and then insist on meeting him face to face to tell him you've evaluated the relationship and you don't see it working out.

[Star Gazer]

Jeeezus, why should I take anyone's advice in this thread once they've made snide remarks about other posters in it?

 

OMG. Okay... you've already chosen to take a course of action, and looking for agreement with your decision. You got that from TBF and Art. Yay. But please don't ignore what's been done here.

 

And please don't assume that just because you made the right decision for you, that it was for the right reasons. You can still learn from the way you handled this.

[tigressA]

At a base level, why did you make this decision? You were with him on Wednesday, just 4 days ago. Last night, it had only been 3 days. 3 days! During your conversation, he was down. Sad. Seemed off in space. But he 'd your gift. You offered to give him space. He accepted.

 

Now? You're punishing him for taking space he needed and which you willingly gave him.

 

It doesn't matter why now. I made my decision. I'm not going back on it. And he will know nothing of it unless he contacts me--unless being the key word. He very likely may not.

[Star Gazer]

It doesn't matter why now. I made my decision. I'm not going back on it. And he will know nothing of it unless he contacts me--unless being the key word. He very likely may not.

 

Are you stomping your feet too?

 

I'm not suggesting you go back on it. I'm asking you why.

 

The reasons why you do something are just as important AS the something.

Edited November 8, 2010 by Star Gazer

[luvnpain]

This chic doesn't want to see her part in all of this, and I doubt she will listen to you Star_gazer. You may as well let her be. She is happier making him the villian to make it easier to cut him loose, instead of seeing what she can learn from this situation to improve her odds of getting a healthy relationship later.

[TheMENemy]

How is it possible

to break up

with someone

who is not even your boyfriend in the first place?

 

At best, it sounds like you had what was actually a very casual FWB/f-buddy relationship.

 

You wanted it to be more, but it wasn't.

 

All the "drama" of the relationship sounds like it is playing out only in your own mind, not in reality.

 

A good example of this is your non-breakup "breakup." Honey if he doesn't know that you've decided to break up with him (forgetting for a minute the fact that there is nothing to break up in the first place--he's not your boyfriend!), then nothing has happened. Not really.

 

You say that if he contacts you...only then, will you tell him of the break up. That's not how it should work. If you feel you've broken up with him regardless of him not knowing about it, then you should simply have complete No Contact with him. Contact by him or by you with him is a resumption of the supposedly broken-off relationship. Other than I suppose a very brief statement by you: "Didn't you hear? I broke up with you. Please don't contact me again." But that's a message you could deliver by email/txt/phone message, and it doesn't require a response from him, at all.

[tigressA]

Are you stomping your feet too?

I'm not suggesting you do. I'm asking you why.

 

The reasons why you do something are just as important AS the something.

 

:lmao:

 

Yeah, I did it because he didn't respond to my efforts at contact. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I know that what I did wasn't for the right reasons--I basically went back on the word I gave to him that I would give him his space. I realize that I let things pile up and then instead of talking, I just gave him the heave-ho.

 

But it was the right thing to do. Given the nature of our relationship it wouldn't have worked out anyway. I did what I had to. It wasn't for the right reasons, I know that--I was immature and impulsive. But ultimately, it was the right thing.

 

I also don't feel that I owe him a face-to-face explanation--or any at all, unless he decides to contact me. If he doesn't contact me, I honestly don't blame him. If he does, I will tell him--through the same medium--that it is over. That is all he will get. There is nothing he can say or do to make me decide otherwise.

[Star Gazer]

Yeah, I did it because he didn't respond to my efforts at contact. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I know that what I did wasn't for the right reasons--I basically went back on the word I gave to him that I would give him his space. I realize that I let things pile up and then instead of talking, I just gave him the heave-ho.

 

What do you think about the idea that he might have already broken up with you too, for the very reason you said?

 

But it was the right thing to do. Given the nature of our relationship it wouldn't have worked out anyway. I did what I had to. It wasn't for the right reasons, I know that--I was immature and impulsive. But ultimately, it was the right thing.

 

I absolutely, 100000% agree with every word of this.

 

But... you can still learn from him. Don't answer, just ask yourself: How can I handle this better next time?

 

I also don't feel that I owe him a face-to-face explanation--or any at all, unless he decides to contact me. If he doesn't contact me, I honestly don't blame him.

 

I disagree about telling him. You're initiating this ending, therefore you should communicate it to him. Be a big girl, A.

 

I'm also glad to see you acknowledge the bolded.

[TheMENemy]

This chic doesn't want to see her part in all of this, and I doubt she will listen to you Star_gazer. You may as well let her be. She is happier making him the villian to make it easier to cut him loose, instead of seeing what she can learn from this situation to improve her odds of getting a healthy relationship later.

 

She's not cutting him loose because he was never tied to her in any meaningful way in the first place.

 

What she's trying to do is to cut herself loose from a self-created fantasy of a relationship that never existed in the world of objective reality. It's all a construct of her imagination.

 

This guy directly told her that she is not his girlfriend, he is not her boyfriend. This guy had her so low on the priority list that she was his last priority. He would take calls from whoever for however long when they were out on a date, etc. It's pretty obvious that from his perspective she was just an occasional FWB/f-buddy.

 

I have absolutely no idea why OP believed that this was anything more than that at all.

[tigressA]

What do you think about the idea that he might have already broken up with you too, for the very reason you said?

 

I disagree about telling him. You're initiating this ending, therefore you should communicate it to him. Be a big girl, A.

 

Oh, I did have that thought, that he may have ended it already. And like I said about him not contacting me--I would not blame him. That's fine with me, because either way it's over! If that was his thought process then we both got what we wanted. Cool beans.

 

I don't think he deserves to hear it from me unless he contacts me. Nothing anyone says will make me change my mind on that.

[luvnpain]

@theMENemy, I agree and should have added the phrase, "in her mind". You should be able to see though, that it is much easier to walk way if you've built this person up as the devil than it is to walk away feeling like he never cared. I think that's why she won't call or tell him. If she does, and he says, "um, ok" it sets her up to have to deal with the fact that it was never a relationship or what she built it up to be. Then she battles feelings if insecurity and inadequacy that she won't have to deal with if she just convinces herself that he's a d1ck and she's the prize that he lost out on. But whatevs, its the end...of nothing.

[Jannah]

Tigress you made the right decision.

 

If you continued on the same path, it would not have been fair to either of you, and your self esteem would have suffered because you'd be trying to compromise yourself more than you should, without even realizing it, and then continue to becoming frustrated with him as a result.

 

You both just want and need different things at this juncture and that's just the way it is.

 

Hang tight, you'll be alright.

[tigressA]

It's finally over.

 

I did "the right thing" and I sent him an email. I wrote:

 

"Hi,

 

I want to let you know that I'm sorry for what you've been going through, and this relationship is not working out for me. I really care about you; I think I even love you. We just don't see important issues the same way, and I don't think you feel as much for me as I do for you. It's best not to see each other anymore.

 

I hope you pull through this tough time. I wish you nothing but the best.

 

TigressA"

 

He replied, about half an hour ago. He wrote:

 

"I don't know what to say on this. But I will respect your thoughts.

 

Wish you all of my luck.

 

C"

 

Good.

[threebyfate]

((((hugs))))

 

Cold as ice to the end.