The End.

[tigressA]

I'd steer clear of societal "shoulds" and seriously consider not only what you want to do but the impacts of each decision, prior to taking any action which includes no action.

 

Interesting gmail message. It can be taken two ways, of which one is highly insulting.

 

Be a'feared of ambiguity.

 

What ways can it be taken?

 

Okay, steering clear of "shoulds".

 

I think perhaps I should get more of a bead on what's been happening with his friends before I do anything. If the tension has been brewing for awhile, or if he's lashed out/deliberately ignored them, things like that--I'll leave him alone. If the tension has only been brewing recently, like since he came back, and it could be read that C's friends are being self-centered like he is--I'll reach out.

[Art_Critic]

Tigress.. he isn't a child...

 

It isn't up to you to try to make his landing any softer if he chooses a path of self destruction..

 

He will be fine..

[Art_Critic]

I'll reach out.

 

You shouldn't reach out unless he asks you for your help.

 

Try not to make this about how he is in all of this pain.. just becuase you feel pain one way doesn't mean he does..

 

Just let him alone to his own devices.. if he needs you for friendship then he will ask for it..

[gypsy_nicky]

I read the entire thread and support TigressA's decision. Please do not however be on the fence of re-contacting him. Don't do it.

 

This relationship is clearly where the OP had little say in it. Wanting, needing, and expecting more is another sure sign while the other was getting these things met (evident from his actions of least interest, reactive/obligatory behavior).

 

I'm surprised he could muster up and say you two were on the same wavelength regarding the semantics of bf/gf. If this was true why don't his actions account for it.....

 

The whole "Indian culture marriage" thingie was also a deceptive ploy to keep the OP in place.

 

Agree with this:

 

"communication, love, trust and respect are no brainer's in a functional relationship"

 

"control games"

 

"he's got way too much power.."

 

however, I am also curious on how quickly this relationship moved from acquaintance to the present fwb, and who intitiated most of the communication in getting the friends status moving into a more intimate status.

[threebyfate]

You know my opinion that reaching out to him would be a mistake, no matter what. But it's your life and your decision to make.

 

2 points can make a line...but never known if it's gonna be a borderline

"2 points can make a line" means two people can connect.

 

"borderline" can be interpreted as either a defined and permanent barrier or it can be the short form for borderline personality disorder.

[tigressA]

Tigress.. he isn't a child...

 

It isn't up to you to try to make his landing any softer if he chooses a path of self destruction..

 

He will be fine..

 

You're right, Art. I won't do anything. If by any chance he ever wants my support he'll ask for it. And he should ask for it. If I just give, give, give, he'll take, take, take. He needs to learn to ask instead of just feeling entitled to things. He's such a spoilt little boy. You just know, especially looking at his family background, and the overall culture. He's not just the only child, but the only boy, and with the strong male preference over there...additionally his parents are pretty well-off.

Edited November 8, 2010 by tigressA

[northern_sky]

Call me a cynic, and I know you will disagree, but part of me wonders if you want to reach out to him because you still are hoping for some display that he cared about you. Or because you simply miss him. Just do a little soul searching and make sure that isn't the case. Because honestly, there is no rational reason for you to contact him. He won't find your support comforting right now; it will probably seem condescending to him. Not saying he's right. That's just how I imagine he would take it.

[tigressA]

You know my opinion that reaching out to him would be a mistake, no matter what. But it's your life and your decision to make.

 

 

"2 points can make a line" means two people can connect.

 

"borderline" can be interpreted as either a defined and permanent barrier or it can be the short form for borderline personality disorder.

 

I'm not going to contact him. I just blocked him from Gmail. I am really interested in continuing the conversation with R, though.

 

I don't think he's the type to make a reference to BPD like that. I don't think he even knows what that is, to be honest...:laugh:

[Star Gazer]

I am really interested in continuing the conversation with R, though.

 

Why?? What good can come of that??

[OceanGirl]

Call me a cynic, and I know you will disagree, but part of me wonders if you want to reach out to him because you still are hoping for some display that he cared about you. Or because you simply miss him. Just do a little soul searching and make sure that isn't the case. Because honestly, there is no rational reason for you to contact him. He won't find your support comforting right now; it will probably seem condescending to him. Not saying he's right. That's just how I imagine he would take it.

 

 

Co-sign me here. It seems like some people here have trouble reading between the lines.

 

I actually thought that TigressA was and is deeply in love with this man. Her reaction to the break up as in, she didn't care, she was laughing gave me the impression that she is either in complete shock or in complete denial. All thorugh this thread she has been minimazing her feelings for him and really lying only to herself.

 

Her break up message was in part a test. She was hoping to get a reaction. He ignored all her contact so if he is going to respond to anything, it would have been that one. She put her feelings on the line as a last ditch effort for him to come back and re-assure her that he felt the same way. This didn't happen. Now, I don't really beleive that Tigressa was being conciouncsly manipulative. She has been lying to herself primarily. Subcnciously, she was just trying to hold on to to the man she loves. When initial attempts at contact didn't work, she changed her tack.

 

Now when that didn't pan out, the realization is hitting her full force: she has lost the man she loves. she is trying to reason with herself (some posters aren't helping either) that she really just wants to see if he is OK. Subconciously, it's another attempt to connect with him and hold on to him in any way possible.

 

Being strong enough to walk away from the man you love PERMANENTLY is one of the hardest things in life and something few of us can do. I don't think that you will be able to stop yourself from contacting him again. And he pretty much knows this too.

[northern_sky]

Co-sign me here. It seems like some people here have trouble reading between the lines.

 

I actually thought that TigressA was and is deeply in love with this man. Her reaction to the break up as in, she didn't care, she was laughing gave me the impression that she is either in complete shock or in complete denial. All thorugh this thread she has been minimazing her feelings for him and really lying only to herself.

 

Her break up message was in part a test. She was hoping to get a reaction. He ignored all her contact so if he is going to respond to anything, it would have been that one. She put her feelings on the line as a last ditch effort for him to come back and re-assure her that he felt the same way. This didn't happen. Now, I don't really beleive that Tigressa was being conciouncsly manipulative. She has been lying to herself primarily. Subcnciously, she was just trying to hold on to to the man she loves. When initial attempts at contact didn't work, she changed her tack.

 

Now when that didn't pan out, the realization is hitting her full force: she has lost the man she loves. she is trying to reason with herself (some posters aren't helping either) that she really just wants to see if he is OK. Subconciously, it's another attempt to connect with him and hold on to him in any way possible.

 

Being strong enough to walk away from the man you love PERMANENTLY is one of the hardest things in life and something few of us can do. I don't think that you will be able to stop yourself from contacting him again. And he pretty much knows this too.

 

As usual, your intuition when it comes to other people is spot on. I hope Tigress isn't offended. I think she's lovely, and I don't think she's consciously doing anything wrong. But she has to examine her deeper motivations.

[e.clipse]

you are certainly better off without him in your life, Tigress, as you two are not compatible with each other. he may also be undergoing way too much to be a decent friend/significant other; he may not be "in the right place," as some people say.

 

i think you should just leave things as they are. i agree with Star in that i'm somewhat amazed at how you handled this because it doesn't "seem" like it is how you would handle it, as i believe you handled this very poorly. certainly, there is something you can learn from your actions and his actions, which may hopefully help you in the future.

 

for the moment, i'd suggest to do as Art says and just leave things as they are. although you may be very concerned for him, please understand that this man is going through a hard time! maybe, some time from now, you can try contacting him to see if he is doing, if you are still concerned. at present, i don't think he needs more from you considering how you let him go and what you said when you did.

 

too much, you know?

 

also, please don't be diagnosing him with BPD from a phrase on his GTalk.

 

when i read that phrase, i took as saying that two people can make a connection, but that it may not be quite was was expected.

[tigressA]

I know I deserve a hell of a lot better than what C ever gave me and probably could ever have given me. While I love and care about him, therefore hate to see him destroy himself and his other relationships--I love myself and my well-being more. That is why I broke up with him, and that is why I'm not contacting him again. I'm no longer scrambling for crumbs and continuing to enable a spoiled-rotten man-child. I hate, hate, hate to see him do this to himself, and so was tempted momentarily to reach out--but if I reach out, I'm enabling his selfish, entitled behavior. And that is the worst thing I could possibly do for him.

[threebyfate]

Good god, I hope no one expects you to fall on your sword for this guy. Most who've fallen on their swords for their men have wasted years and years with crappy men, in unhappy lives.

[tigressA]

I feel like I'm really starting to "get back to normal". I'm cooking dinner today. It feels like such a long time since I've done any heavy cooking. That used to be something I would do all the time. I lost sight of several of my primary interests while with C. It feels great to settle myself back into them; it's like coming home. And once I'm ready I'll find someone who I can share those things with.

[Kamille]

As usual, your intuition when it comes to other people is spot on. I hope Tigress isn't offended. I think she's lovely, and I don't think she's consciously doing anything wrong. But she has to examine her deeper motivations.

 

Have you not heard of the postmodern subject? You're both assuming there's always only one single motivating factor behind our actions and feelings.

 

TigressA is likely concerned for his well-being because 1) She cares for him 2) She feels guilty for breaking-up 3) She is looking for ways to keep him in her thoughts and/or life 4) She feels a normal amount of human empathy for someone who is struggling 5) She still has feelings for him but is in denial about it.

 

You can chose to privilege the most sinister motivations over others, but my guess is her concerns stems from a bit of all of the above. Human nature is much more complex than what both your analysis grant.

Edited November 8, 2010 by Kamille

[tigressA]

TigressA is likely concerned for his well-being because 1) She cares for him 2) She feels guilty for breaking-up 3) She is looking for ways to keep him in her thoughts and/or life 4) She feels a normal amount of human empathy for someone who is struggling 5) She still has feelings for him.

 

You can choose to privilege the most sinister motivations over others, but my guess is her concerns stems from a bit of all of the above. Human nature is much more complex than what both your analysis grant.

 

1) Yes, of course I do.

2) I felt bad about the way I handled it, but not the fact that I did it. It was the best thing for me.

3) Not looking for ways for him to be in my thoughts; he still is in them. No sense denying that; we've been officially broken up for less than a day. I don't want him in my life because he's no good for me.

4) Yes.

5) Yes, I do still love and care for him and I am concerned for him. And that's why I chose to stay away--while it's a given that it's best for me, ultimately it is also the best for him. I don't want to enable his unhealthy, destructive behavior.

Edited November 8, 2010 by tigressA

[northern_sky]

Have you not heard of the postmodern subject? You're both assuming there's always only one single motivating factor behind our actions and feelings.

 

TigressA is likely concerned for his well-being because 1) She cares for him 2) She feels guilty for breaking-up 3) She is looking for ways to keep him in her thoughts and/or life 4) She feels a normal amount of human empathy for someone who is struggling 5) She still has feelings for him but is in denial about it.

 

You can chose to privilege the most sinister motivations over others, but my guess is her concerns stems from a bit of all of the above. Human nature is much more complex than what both your analysis grant.

 

No, I agree with you that there are a mixture of factors. I guess I didn't make that clear in my post, but I was focusing on the less obvious motives she may have had in addition to the face value ones. I basically agree with all of the factors you mentioned above playing some small role.

 

Maybe this is a bad time to broach this. She has plenty of time once the breakup has blown over to learn lessons from the relationship.

 

That said, I think she absolutely made the right decision and I don't think she was unduly harsh. From her first posts about C, something seemed smarmy to me in his behavior and communication style. I never felt like he was being totally honest with her. I just hope she doesn't contact him again. She's a wonderful, smart, beautiful girl, and she can do so much better.

[johan]

I'm starting to see some irony in the title of this thread.

[Kamille]

I'm starting to see some irony in the title of this thread.

 

:lmao:

 

It's the never-ending End thread.

[tigressA]

HE HAD BEEN CHEATING ON ME! THE DIRTY ROTTEN *******!!!!!!!!!!

 

Ugh.

 

I just found incontrovertible proof through a mutual friend's Facebook. HIS FRIENDS HAD KNOWN ABOUT IT.

 

I feel sick.

 

SO glad they're all out of my life.

[Star Gazer]

OMG!! Details, please!!

 

What a LOSER he is!!!!

[tigressA]

Huh, it ALL makes sense now. No wonder he couldn't have cared less when I ended it--he'd already been getting some on the side!

 

And the thread I had before about his BBW searches on his computer--I knew I should've been concerned. That woman I saw him in the picture with; she's familiar because I had seen her consistently ALL OVER his Facebook--commenting on all his photos and status updates, etc. I had felt iffy about her and I should've gone with my gut. She's this pasty-faced chubster with middle-school-age kids!

 

Well, I hope they're very very happy together.

[tigressA]

I had had my suspicions about this so-called lady months ago, before C and I got back together at the end of August. And I let myself be blinded by his lies...well, the moral of the story is: TRUST YOUR GUT.

[xpaperxcutx]

Huh, it ALL makes sense now. No wonder he couldn't have cared less when I ended it--he'd already been getting some on the side!

 

And the thread I had before about his BBW searches on his computer--I knew I should've been concerned. That woman I saw him in the picture with; she's familiar because I had seen her consistently ALL OVER his Facebook--commenting on all his photos and status updates, etc. I had felt iffy about her and I should've gone with my gut. She's this pasty-faced chubster with middle-school-age kids!

 

Well, I hope they're very very happy together.

 

:sick:

 

Your ex sounds like he has issues.