Bee_Kat Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 My once slightly less than perfect life is completely S***-sideways and I am the last one standing. My friend and "mom" figure in my life has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. She babysits for me, is the grandma in my 4 year olds life, her caring for my child allows me to work full time and make a very good living. My marriage has gone down the crapper. Husband is in counselling to find a reason for his lying and other behaviour. (I am threatening separation unless he makes some changes) I don't trust him and have lost a lot of respect for him. I still love him. My family is made up of a bitter group of "conditional love" only people. 5 years ago I decided that if my friends were to treat me the way my family did, then I wouldn't have them as friends. So I have separated myself from parents and sibling and only see them 2-3 times a year. Stressfull and toxic every time. My job is stressfull shiftwork. Lately it is really draining me. Even though I have some really great co-worker friends I can't dump all my problems on them. I don't like to talk about my crappy marriage, when I talk about my dear friend that is terminal I cry. Makes working conditions less than comfortable for others. So I am going to loose my best friend and "mom" to cancer and I am so angry at myself for not making her go to the Doctor sooner. I am a pretty awful mom myself lately as I am exhausted from not sleeping, and totally stressed out. I don't know what I need to do. Little vacation maybe. A counsellor for myself. I'm not a religious person so the whole church thing doesn't appeal. I'm open to suggestions from strangers as frankly I have nowhere else to look.
worlybear Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 :bunny:Hi. Sorry for your pain. IMO first thing to do is find a cancer support for family group in your area. If you can't find the info at the Doc's then try on-line googling. I think you need to talk to others who will help to re-assure you that it's not your fault. It sounds as if you are also worried about your child-care and it may be that the support group could help you with that too, or at least point you in the right direction for help. And post here and we will try and help you.
lenny Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 It sounds like a bit of a vacation would help. If you could leave the four year old with the hubby that would probably be idea. Giving yourself some breathing room to absorb everything that is going on in your life and try to focus on positives may be of a help to you.
josie54 Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 I am so sorry that all of this is coming at you at once. I know how hard it is to see a loved one suffer from cancer, and it's a very mixed up time. Simultaneously, you feel so sorry for them and what they're going through, and at the same time, you feel sorry for yourself, both because you're losing her AND because you have to watch her suffer. It's a really confusing emotional state. How sick is your friend right this moment? Is she well enough for you, she, and your child to take a short trip somewhere you both love (could be nearby), to get your minds off the disease for a while? It sounds like you might not be comfortable leaving the 4-year-old with your husband (or he might not be willing), so it could be the three of you to take some time away. If she cannot take time away, try to do fun things with her as much as possible. Movies, spa days, baking, anything you both love. The friend who I lost loved to cook, so we took a cooking class together. She loved to knit, so we met people for knitting groups. It sounds corny, but it was fun and we both enjoyed it. I agree that it helps to find a group of people who know what you're going through and can help you--it can be a support group or even a charity involved with the kind of cancer your friend has. You can take part in a fundraising event. It helps to do something positive. It also helps (a little--not much, but a little) to look at the big picture. We are all going to die at some point. It's just a matter of what we do with the time we have while we're here. It helps to look at your time with (and love for) your friend as a gift. The very fact you have her with you now and that you're dealing with this is because she is in your life. What if you had never met her? That is a scenario that is possibly worse than the one you're dealing with now, in which you have had such a person in your life. Overall, from your post, you need friends in your life right now. Reaching out here was a great first step. But also look for ways to reach out to people in your immediate community (whether to a support group, a book or knitting club, a cooking class--whatever connects to an interest) I think will really help so that you feel like you're connected and that you have support while you're trying to navigate this time in your life.
Author Bee_Kat Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 Thanks so much for your replies! Just when you think it can't get worse it really does. So yesterday I bang up the car because I'm exhausted and off in thought, not paying attention to anything, I'm so frustrated with my 2 older kids I could scream, my toxic family plans to pop in for a visit and I am working night shift. They could care less if it interrupts my much needed sleep. I told them that it would not work for me but they will still come over tomorrow and ring the doorbell 10 times knowing that I am sleeping. The dog will go berserk and I will get up and have a angry useless conversation at the door as always. I went to a doctor today because I need sleeping pills, anti-anxiety pills or something to pull me out of this. He says "You're not suicidal are you?" Gee - I wonder what he wants me to say to that?! Yesterday after the car incident quite frankly if there would have been a bridge nearby I would have taken a flying leap. My stress level is ridiculous. It's like this isn't even my life anymore. My friend with cancer is in complete denial. I know that it is her way of coping, but I see the freight train comming and she is not ready for reality. She can't keep working like she thinks she can, she has a huge operation ahead of her and then chemo to try and get through. I'm going to have a cup of tea with her today. I'm going to try and talk her into a vacation - not with me but with her family. If I was given a grim prognosis like she was, I would be on a beach somewhere with an umbrella drink as soon as I could get a plane ticket.
Surrealist Posted November 10, 2010 Posted November 10, 2010 Wow that's some heavy life crap going on there. I'm not one to advise as I have issues that I need to sort as well but can I just suggest that you concern yourself and deal with ONLY those things that you can CONTROL? Because in addition to the stuff you can control, you are burdening yourself with other problems (it seems) and other peoples' problems at that. You really need to set the boundaries with your family and let them know they are not to disturb you when you need sleep. Ive had similar encounters to, and end up getting some boundaries set, but had to resort to a fit of rage to get the point across. Ugly but was necessary otherwise the same toxic people would still be draining my resources. Hope yuo can get something worked out and be able to come to some kind of resolution with these problems. Also a break and time-out for yourself does seem to be a great idea if you can arrange that.
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