After 4 and a half years, he wants a break?!

[Yuna]

Hi, I'm new here so I hope this isn't too long. I have no previous relationship experience, so any feedback is greatly appreciated!

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 4 and a half years now. He's 26 and I'm turning 24 this month. He's the first boyfriend I've ever had. I'm not his first girlfriend, but I'm his first long term relationship.

 

Our families don't know about us but friends do, and I'm also a student and he works full time. These factors limited how often we were able to see each other (about 3-4 times a month maybe?), so it almost felt like a long distance relationship. Despite that, our relationship was strong, and we were happy. He would often talk about our future.. how he couldn't wait until I finish school and move in together.

 

About two months ago he finally moved out. Since then we've been able to see each other more often, and do simple things we normally couldn't do... like cook together, and just lay down in bed together and watch TV. We were having some of the best moments we've ever shared in our relationship.. always happy, lots of laughs and hugs, and minimal fighting!

 

... Until recently! The last day we spent together had a different vibe. When I came over he didn't bother to look at me or give me a hug. I figured it was because he was watching football, but the vibe didn't change afterwards. That whole day felt awkward. When I went home he didn't bother to kiss me goodbye and tell me to call when I got home like he usually did.

 

I felt like he was being cold and distant, and having thoughts about breaking up, so I straight up asked him. He said no and that he was just in a weird mood, but he proceeded to text me things that I didn't understand why.

 

"You don't think our relationship is kind of bland sometimes?"

"Sometimes I'm really happy with you, but sometimes I'm not."

"I'm just trying to figure out if it's you or me."

 

Where was all this coming from?? I didn't get why he was acting like this all of a sudden, especially after everything has been so good lately. One moment we were in complete happiness, and the next moment he was questioning us? The week went by and nothing changed. He hardly bothered to contact me. He even got promoted and didn't bother telling me about that. I started to think something was up. I even thought of the possibility of there being another girl.

 

He finally said, "Give me some time, and we'll talk tomorrow."

 

When we spoke on the phone, he said that we should take a break. He told me that I should take this time to really think and reflect on our relationship and that he would do the same. He specifically said we aren't breaking up, but if it ends up happening he doesn't want me to leave his life completely, wants to stay friends, and still loves me.

 

This is the first time something like this has happened. I can't help but think that there's something much bigger behind it... like he's met another girl and he's just keeping me around for "backup."

 

Now we're on this break, and he still continues to call me and text me occasionally. I don't know about anyone else, but it kinda sucks to still have contact with a guy that declares a break on the relationship! It's emotionally stressful!! So I wrote him this huge email asking him to stop calling and texting me because us still being in contact is hard on me and emotionally ruining... and what do you know? He calls a bunch of times and texts back saying that I'm overreacting and that he can't have me out of his life. He doesn't agree with us completely losing contact with each other.

 

Ugh. I don't get it. I feel like he's toying with me and just stringing me along. What's the point of a break when he still calls and texts as he pleases?

[Cratsky]

If he's saying he needs a break then give it to him. Give him a short response letting him know that you are not comfortable communicating with him unless he decides on whether he wants to give it a go or not and thank him for efforts.

 

leave it at that.

 

People deserve more than to be played with. He cannot have his cake (being single to have fun) and also stay in touch (use you as a quick emotional bandaid when he's lonely).

 

This is your first serious relationship. It will be hard but take a good read of the grass is greener thread and the no contact threads. You will realise that these are two valuable points of view.

[Yuna]

Thanks for your response, Cratsky!

 

Yup, he asked for a break, and I'm giving it to him no problem. But the thing is he won't leave me alone or let me ignore him.

 

Anyone mind posting the no contact thread? I've searched but can't find it. Thanks!

[Hhhh]

What do you mean won't let you ignore him? Just ignore him no matter what he says... He stated his position in the relationship and it's not to be with you.. So state your position of not wanting to talk to him

 

He's dragging you through the mud and your letting by being a doormat guys like strong and independent women

[homebrew]

Yuna,

 

Go check out the "Grass is Greener" thread... Look at my last post... Maybe it could shed some light for you.

[Green]

He probably has some other girl on the side but wants to keep you as a back up. At a minimum he just likes the idea of being single and wants to keep you as a back up.

 

Personaly if some one did this to me I would NEVER get back with them. You just need to ignore all his calls/txt/email ect. There are aps that block peoples phone numbers... or just ignore it the old fashioned way. Also block him on FB or what ever else you may have.

 

This guy would love to be single and dangle you until A) he decides to try to get back with you... and if you got back with him chances are he would pull this crap again B) He starts dating some girl and either forgets about you or realizes or is told he can't stay in touch with his ex.

 

You are still very young and you will find some one new who doesn't treat you this poorly in a break up. The fact that he is actively trying to call you and string you along is just disrespect don't view it any other way.

[Yuna]

Hhhh- By him not letting me ignore him, I mean this: He asked for a break, so that's what I'm giving him. I did state my position to him clearly by telling him if he wants a break, I want no contact with him whatsoever in my email. After he read it, I received a barrage of calls and texts. The calls I ignored. The texts however said things like...

 

"Just answer your phone. It's your choice if you wanna throw it all away. I never wanted to break up... but if you wanna forget about me then it is what it is."

 

"As always you're never there to make me feel better when I need you..."

 

It all just looks like a guilt trip to me to keep me emotionally attached. As I said I've already decided to move on, it's just hard to see these and try not to let them affect me. Looking for a good call/text blocker.

 

So you're mistaken when you say I'm being a doormat and letting him drag me through the mud.

 

homebrew- I did read your thread, and I was happy to find out that my already made decision to let go and move on was the correct one.

 

Green- Thanks for being honest. I was basically thinking all those same things. The reason I decided to post was so that I could get a guy's perspective and make sure I wasn't just overthinking my situation.

[havehope]

He can't have his cake and eat it to. He can't ask for a break but expect you to still be in his life, talking to him on a regular basis. A break is just that - A BREAK. NC. I know you're not initiating it, but I think you should stop talking to him so he sees what life is like without you in it

[Yuna]

havehope- Thanks. I completely agree with you. Though I do feel a lot better about my situation now.

 

When he needs to talk, he's very persistent.. So we ended up having that "final talk." I learned a few things. You can't always believe what your mind and the internet tell you. All this time I assumed the worst, when none of it was actually true.

 

I think what destroyed me here was our lack of communication before his decision to go on a break. There's no "other girl," and he still cares about me. His definition of a break was different than from what I expected... Even though it's all the same to me lol.

 

Anyway, I learned his reasons behind his decision. All he wanted was just that... A break. Not to be single, not to meet and get with other girls.. But just to focus completely on work because he's stressed out, and I respect that. I trust that he'll come back in time, because he said he would. He even said he felt hurt that I thought of him as the type of person that would party and meet new girls during our time apart. I know him well enough to believe this.

 

As for me, he let me know that if I happened to meet a new guy, I shouldn't hold myself back. He said it would be good for me to meet other people since the only guy I've ever dated is him.. As long as I don't tell him about it. (Which I'm not emotionally ready for anyway so I don't see that happening any time soon.) I guess he's just THAT confident in thinking were the best match for each other haha.

 

He understood why I asked for no contact, but still didn't agree with it because says he doesn't want me to forget about him. Which I still don't get by the way!!.. But I guess I get where he's coming from, but I'm no longer initiating any contact with him.

 

Even so, I'm not going to sit around and wait for his phone calls and whatnot.. I'm going to continue living my life, and give him the space he wants.

[Cratsky]

I hope you realise that he may not come back at all right? Regardless of the fact he says he needs to time to focus on work etc... he might find another kind of more suitable stress reliever (if you get my drift) and conveniently give you the brush off with that excuse.

 

Breaks never work. If he can't fit you in even once a week, for a 1 hour lunch... that says a lot about how important you really are regardless of his work schedule. Good luck.

[Yuna]

Yes, I know that. Even though he told me he'd come back, I'm going into this with no expectations, but being able to hear him say those things gave me at least sense of relief. Knowing that his reasons are because of work rather than wanting to be single, party, and meet new girls just helps me sleep better at night and keeps me from wondering "why?"

 

I don't agree that breaks "never" work, but that's my opinion.

 

Thanks.

[havehope]

Hey Yuna - just wanted to say, that he shouldn't be worried about you forgetting him if you guys don't talk. I think if someone is important enough in your life, you WON'T forget them, regardless of if you talk or not. Possibly irrelevant example: i had a best friend in kindergarten who was a boy. We had the best time playing and were friends for YEARS and lost contact when his family moved. I haven't spoken to him in probably 20 years, but I haven't forgotten him, ya know? I don't talk to my 9th grade bf but I can still tell you his favorite icecream. I just dont want you to be blinded by love and wrapped around his finger. You're catering to his needs (a break), why can't he cater to yours? (NC).

 

I've just gotten the short end of the stick on "lets take a break" situations and even though we never got back together (ex before this past ex), I thought if I could help someone else with this, then something good came of this situation. Just be realistic (and realize that sometimes optimistic is not the same as realistic). All the best of luck to you!

[Yuna]

You're right about the whole not forgetting thing!

 

About me catering to his needs and him not being able to cater to mine, I never really thought about it like that.. But I've been doing fine with the "almost NC" and no initiation on my end. I promise you I'm not blinded by love and wrapped around his finger.

 

I suppose I've just always been an optimistic person (I've been through worse things in my life so I know I can handle this no matter what the outcome!), but I understand where you're coming from. Thankfully, I can keep my mind busy through family, friends, and school. Thanks for your support!

[havehope]

The only reason I mentioned being blinded by love is because I was and I wish I had listened to others but I'm glad you're staying busy! Thats really important. I admire your confidence in knowing you'll get through this no matter the outcome. I'm a pretty optimistic person too, but everyonce and a while I have to remember that optimistic doesn't mean realistic. But like I said before, good luck with everything!!