I'm a MUG!

[sacg]

It’s been almost 2.5 years since she walked out my door. Yep, 2.5 YEARS and I’m still here! In that time, I've been through the worst period of my life, the very worst, and experienced the cruel side of love. I’ve just about lost everything. I’m still a shadow of the man I was, and I hate myself for it. A once confident, good looking, out going successful guy, morphed to a skeleton of what once was. All because of another human being and my weakness in dealing with emotion. Trust me, I hate myself for it and I’m completely ashamed. I also know I can’t totally blame her for allowing my life to spiral, part of that responsibility lies with me, and my inability to have manned up. I still don’t know why….

 

I see new people on here EVERY day going through VERY similar situations, and I fear for what they will experience should they not heed the immortal words NO CONTACT. I occasionally respond to some poor guy, but feel bitter in doing so, but can see the patterns emerging. I’ve wasted 2.5 years of my life, and its cost me dearly, I would hate for someone to go through that. Love is blind.

 

“2.5 years I hear you say, Jesus man, what’s wrong with you?” Like so many others, she lied to keep me there, some of the lies you could never imagine someone you spent 8 years of your life with saying. She left me for someone else, then pulled me back in, 3 or 4 times. I still didn’t let go, she always managed to reel me in. For 2 years and 3 months I stayed in touch with this girl, the woman I loved so dearly, some of you know how manipulating this can be. I'm embarrassed to have allowed it to happen. But the sad thing is, there’s still a part of me that still wants her here. God knows why.

 

After her “doomed” rebound relationship ended, I was given the false hope that we would rekindle. This was, as so often is the case, and ego thing on her part and support for her whilst she was alone. I’ve only been in no contact since the end of September, the longest I’ve done since we split, and this was only because 2 months after telling me she loved me, in July, she met someone new. However, she still didn’t tell me this until September, 3 months of lying again. Whilst it wasn’t as painful as the first time, it turned me around again. The hurt that she could have treated me this way, the hurt all over again that she is happy and sharing a bed with another guy. I was cast aside, dropped like a stone, and she hasn’t bothered since. How can people be like this? To think I was just filling a void, a period until she could be happy sickens me to the pit of my stomach. Yet I still can’t hate her. I still miss her…..and NC is still the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

 

I don’t really know why I'm writing this. I guess I'm tired of feeling so sad and weak, I’m tired of waking EVERY day and thinking of her, going to sleep and thinking of her, 2.5 years later, and missing her so much. Why cant I get this “person” out of my head and be happy again? I keep as busy as a single 41 year old guy can, and I gym, but I’m not happy. A massive part of me is missing, and I truly believed she was my soulmate. I do not feel complete, and 2.5 years ago only seems like yesterday. Why am I still feeling this way after all she has done?

 

I still wait for her to call me…..how frickin sad is that?

[swfc_77]

its not sad mate, me and my ex would have been together 2 years today. we split 6 weeks ago i think.

 

same old story for me you fall in love with a person on a different wave-lenth i think.

 

my ex had the rebound guy then she did come back and then went again after 2 months and she tx me again on thurs and we have been chatting since then, i'v just told her to leave me alone as i need to start again..... again if you get me.

 

i dont have any answers to make you feel better, all i know is that some people come in and out of your life constantly until they dont need you any more, regardless of what it does to you and your feelings.

 

check my post history and you will see how my emotions are up and down like a yo-yo, 1 minute im on top of world the next i cant move.

[Eternity001]

I've only just hit a wall after 10 months, it's crap and I can make no sense of it and that's the hardest part. Right now I just feel weak and unmotivated to do anything.

 

It feels like I ended the relationship yesterday, only when I actually did, I felt great.

 

There has never been any cheating or nastiness in my situation but we haven't fully broken contact either.

[sacg]

I just dont know why I still love her so much and want her. I don't know why I'm jealous and not getting over this.

[bernardverh]

"How can people be like this? To think I was just filling a void, a period until she could be happy sickens me to the pit of my stomach."

 

In my opinion, thinking this is the truth, is where you make a mistake.

 

After reading your story I got the impression that you first had a nice relationship. Then you probably slowly changed into a weak man who puts her on top of his list of priorities. The next logical step is her leaving you and/or meeting someone else. Some other guy became more interesting because you chose to act totally unattractive, you gave her no choice.

 

After her rebound relationship she was probably lonely and wanted someone to be with. But that sure wasn't the only reason that she came a bit closer to you, she still remembered the good times of you two. You were still available and she thought 'why not'. But as soon as she discovered that she was still the most important thing in your life, she flew again. Turn things around: would you want to be with a girl who's life is only focussing on you? One who would say yes to everything you said. It sounds good, but starts to get boring soon.

 

So thinking that it was her who hurt you is wrong in my opinion. You gave her no choice, she even gave you sort of a second chance!

 

Forget about the 2.5 years and start acting like a man now. If you won't change your behaviour, a next relationship is doomed anyway. Start living alone, without her. Maybe you get a 3rd chance, but if that ever happens you have to be like you were years ago, a confident man.

 

The best option would be to change your behaviour, enjoy life, and meet a new woman in the next years.

 

Again, this is just my opinion based on what I read, just trying to help.

Edited November 6, 2010 by bernardverh

[Tractor]

Sacg

 

I can understand where you are coming from. I have read some of your post and am trying not to go down the same path. I was with this woman for many, many years, raising her child as my own. We had bought a home a few years ago, had a vacation cottage in the country, owned a business. We, for the most part had our lives laid out till well into retirement. My heart would have her back today. My head tells me thats not a good thing for my heart. For me it has only been 4 months so far, but I have made a lot of the same mistakes as all of us have in those four months. LS has helped me immencely(sp?). Its very hard, but the more Im here and the more I post, whether to read, rant, or post to try to help someone else seems to make me stronger. There are those who I am sure are more qualified to be of help, but I add where I can.

[sacg]

"How can people be like this? To think I was just filling a void, a period until she could be happy sickens me to the pit of my stomach."

 

In my opinion, thinking this is the truth, is where you make a mistake.

 

After reading your story I got the impression that you first had a nice relationship. Then you probably slowly changed into a weak man who puts her on top of his list of priorities. The next logical step is her leaving you and/or meeting someone else. Some other guy became more interesting because you chose to act totally unattractive, you gave her no choice.

 

This is not the case. I became a weak person through losing her, after the fact. We did have problems like anyone, but we were very passionate, for 8 years man, that says something. I was the same guy she met 8 years previous until the day she turned me over. Yep, then I crashed and granted, then I became unattractive. So she did make a choice, she chose to not want to be with me anymore as i was, confident and all that, she obviously no longer loved the person she met. You presumed incorrectly. My point isn't who's to blame, but what and why the last 2.5 years happened.

 

After her rebound relationship she was probably lonely and wanted someone to be with. But that sure wasn't the only reason that she came a bit closer to you, she still remembered the good times of you two. You were still available and she thought 'why not'. But as soon as she discovered that she was still the most important thing in your life, she flew again. Turn things around: would you want to be with a girl who's life is only focussing on you? One who would say yes to everything you said. It sounds good, but starts to get boring soon.

 

I agree to a point, and funnily enough, she was like that when with me for years, insecure, me being the centre of her universe, and yes, it was annoying. But again, i know i was unnatractive in the split, I don't even think there was ever a chance of getting back, it just seems she treated me badly, with no respect to assist her being "lonely" a you say. That's wrong!

 

So thinking that it was her who hurt you is wrong in my opinion. You gave her no choice, she even gave you sort of a second chance!

 

LOL, that's just ridiculous man, gave her no choice???? GAVE ME a SECOND chance??? LMFAO. I got nothing to say to that.

 

Forget about the 2.5 years and start acting like a man now. If you won't change your behaviour, a next relationship is doomed anyway. Start living alone, without her. Maybe you get a 3rd chance, but if that ever happens you have to be like you were years ago, a confident man.

 

I know all this, I truly do. And I'm now getting it back, NOW I've FINALLY cut all contact with her. I think your missing my point. On one hand im saying don't get sucked in for the wrong reasons, on the other I'm hurt she could have treated me that way for so long until she found man number 2. And the lies, is that necessary, regardless if someone's attractive or not?

 

Thanks for your comments, I do agree with where your coming from, I just dont think you understood everything I was trying to say.

 

Taken in though. :-)

 

just out of interest, you male or female?

Edited November 6, 2010 by sacg

[bernardverh]

This is not the case. I became a weak person through losing her, after the fact. We did have problems like anyone, but we were very passionate, for 8 years man, that says something. I was the same guy she met 8 years previous until the day she turned me over. Yep, then I crashed and granted, then I became unattractive. So she did make a choice, she chose to not want to be with me anymore as i was, confident and all that, she obviously no longer loved the person she met. You presumed incorrectly. My point isn't who's to blame, but what and why the last 2.5 years happened.

 

Ok, maybe I presumed wrong. But this story asks for some questions: Why did she leave you after 8 years if you were still the same person? Why did she gave you sort of a second change even when you were weak. In my eyes this shows that she still cares/cared about you. This gave me the impression that you also slowly changed during the relationship. A woman often has good reasons to leave a 8-year relationship.

 

 

LOL, that's just ridiculous man, gave her no choice????. I got nothing to say to that.

 

I said this because in my opinion women act upon their emotions. You are right, it sounds a bit cruel though. During the 2nd chance period she encountered a weak man, her feelings/emotions make her not want to be with a weak man. Her mind says that you are a great guy, but rational thinking is not enough (at all) in love. This is why I said that, based upon a women state of mind/feeling.

 

I know all this, I truly do. And I'm now getting it back, NOW I've FINALLY cut all contact with her. I think your missing my point. On one hand im saying don't get sucked in for the wrong reasons, on the other I'm hurt she could have treated me that way for so long until she found man number 2. And the lies, is that necessary, regardless if someone's attractive or not?

 

just out of interest, you male or female?

 

The lies are a bit understandable if you think about the rational/emotional thing: she didn't want to hurt you by telling the truth because her rational mind said so. Her emotions were with another man. But still, these kind of lies are ofcourse out of question, one should never lie about this.

 

To answer your question, I'm a male and I realized the last weeks my own mistakes. I want to make sure I never make them again and hope I can help others also to not do so.

[sacg]

Ok, maybe I presumed wrong. But this story asks for some questions: Why did she leave you after 8 years if you were still the same person? Why did she gave you sort of a second change even when you were weak. In my eyes this shows that she still cares/cared about you. This gave me the impression that you also slowly changed during the relationship. A woman often has good reasons to leave a 8-year relationship.

 

Because we had problems towards the end. Read my original threads 2 years ago. I was not the perfect guy, and have done my soul searching. She was also an insecure and depressive person and that was a burden at best for me, I tried. She ended up on prozac, changed and left me for someone else. It's not about why she left Bernard, Its about why and how she could have acted like she has the last 2.5 years. I'm not disputing she cares even, but that makes it so much harder to make sense of?? I just see similar patterns now in other women and theyre actions to theyre ex's.

 

She didnt give me a 2nd chance when i was weak, she used me as her rebound was a problem, and went back to him, 3 fricki times. yes, i was the support, i was the mug, she lied to me all this time about how she said she loved me, it was all bollocks man, and when i was at my lowest!

 

 

I said this because in my opinion women act upon their emotions. You are right, it sounds a bit cruel though. During the 2nd chance period she encountered a weak man, her feelings/emotions make her not want to be with a weak man. Her mind says that you are a great guy, but rational thinking is not enough (at all) in love. This is why I said that, based upon a women state of mind/feeling.

 

Agree again to a point, but she was lying, not wanting me, regardless, just needing me at that point i think.

 

 

To answer your question, I'm a male and I realized the last weeks my own mistakes. I want to make sure I never make them again and hope I can help others also to not do so.

 

Me too.

[sacg]

Going back to my original post, I'm just confused to hell why I still love her, want her and this is still a painful time, I just cant seem to get over it, and thats not about manning up!

[swfc_77]

i didn't give into everything my ex said either i just tried to treat her right. i would say no to lots of things like meals, going out, doing things that cost a bomb, cant afford to go out everynight.

 

yeah fair enough if your clingy and needy the other person becomes bored, but thats not the case here.

 

whats wrong with being with someone and trying to make them happy, put a smile on there face and show them things only you could show them.

 

sacg you sound like an honest straight up guy, and like me i expect that you put your cards on the table from day 1. some people dont, they play games. some of the things i read about NC on here is wrong like dont contact them and they will come back, or want you again which is fair enough but why do these things have alterea motives.

 

im not contacting her because if i dont she will miss me and come back.

 

i would rather just be straigh and lay my cards out, like i have done today with my ex, who seems to have the same problem of game playing.

 

there is nothing wrong with you sacg, i was only with my ex for 2 years and i know im going to hurt for a long time. 8 years is a long time it would crush me to get so close to some1 and then have to start again.

 

there is nothing wrong with being honest with yourself, if you still love her and pine for her after all this time its ok. dont lie to yourself its no good, you just have to keep lookin forward.

[worlybear]

OK. Have just read your thread and am sorry for your pain. I totally understand how hard it is to work out why someone who seemingly cared for you, treated you like this.

The sad truth is you'll probably never know why she behaved in this way. I wouldn't be so presumptuous as to say you need to move on but you do need to stop beating yourself up.

You mention going to the gym but say nothing about social activities- push yourself to be more socially active (I know it's difficult but IMO necessary) and you will meet new people.

By the way, don't change yourself- just be yourself. You sound far too nice to be alone for long!

[rebeccajones]

I think Bernard gave the right advice. We can only change ourselves. The reason people go NC is to move on, in response to swfc. It's just hard to let go of hope of reconciliation. But the more NC the more you heal. I think the op should not be surprised at how some people are certain ways. Assume nothing expect anything!!