Complicated Rebound

[iamawesome]

Well, time to post my story.

 

Basically, I took my girlfriend for granted and treated her poorly for some time towards the end of our relationship. There was a misunderstanding with a mutual friend that caused me to cut off all contact with her for 3 weeks. I took my best friend's "side" instead of hers. During those three weeks she begged and apologized for me to take her back. I didn't and it was later I found out that my best friend lied to me.

 

Once I found this out, I did some leg work an talked to her. She said she had thought we had broken up for good and she started seeing her ex (rebound?) and that she wished I had said something sooner. She cried, told me she still loved me was confused and didn't know what to do.

 

It's been about three weeks, she is still with her ex (staying at his place). I did some chasing in order to apologize to her. We have kept in limited contact and have had two additional face-to-face talks. I promised that I would listen to her in the future and I got her a gift to symbolize that promise. She didn't really accept the gift, but she told me to hang onto it and not return it while she thinks things over.

 

Every time I see her and hug her, she breaks down into tears. This has happened all three times I saw her. I talked about her ex bf situation and she said she really loves him, but is really confused. The thing is her ex bf is leaving on Dec. 10th. for the military and will be gone for 9 months. I told her if she pursued that relationship she would get hurt again. On top of all that, she is considering plans on coming on a getaway with me in Jan (even after I told her it would be a bad idea, she still wants to go).

 

I hugged her and she started crying. I kissed her on the forehead. Later she texted me that she would "talk to me when she is ready".

 

We have had a very strong, deep, 3 year relationship. The day after our conversation I called and text'ed her, but she ignored my calls and text. It's been about four days NC since that day (two days after seeing her). I'm confused by what all this means and I'm not sure if NC is the right thing to do in this instance?

 

Points of interest are:

 

1. She is considering coming on a getaway with me in Jan.

 

2. She says she still loves me AND loves her ex. She is confused and doesn't know what to do. Personally, I feel her feelings for her ex are just temp. part of rebound. Dunno could be wrong.

 

3. Is her request for "talking to me when she's ready" legitimate, or is it more of a girl way to let me down and grey zone me as a "back up" option?

 

I'm not sure if I should stay the course of NC and let the rebound play out, or if I should continue to have these "arranged" face-to-face talks with her? When I have face-to-face talks with her, I notice she cuts off her ex for the next couple of days and stays at home. So I feel if I continue NC, I feel the ex will gain ground again. What should I do? What about limited contact?

Edited November 6, 2010 by iamawesome
Typos

[PegNosePete]

Welcome to the backup zone. This is where women put you when they want to keep you hanging around for emotional support, stability, ego boosting and attention.

 

If she really loved you then she would not go back to her ex within 3 weeks, let alone move in with him. I mean seriously, she moved in with her ex within 3 weeks of splitting up??!?! Moving in with someone is something you do, at a bare minimum, after several months of dating.

 

It seems your decision to side with your friend rather than her, has cost you the relationship. Most likely it wasn't the only issue, since she jumped into bed with the ex so soon, she was probably disconnecting from the relationship already.

 

NC, move on, and learn from your bad choices.

[TLCbear]

I agree with the first poster. It's obivious she loves her previous ex more, if not, she would be with you. I never knew how common this was until I got on this site...so many people not over their exes and constantly jumping from relationship to relationship (or from ex to ex)...it's crazy. I wouldn't want to waste my time with someone knowing they are not over their ex...and to make matters worse, she was with you for 3 years, and things ended, and she runs right back to the previous ex...what the hell is going on??? This is absolutely crazy!!

Edited November 6, 2010 by TLCbear

[iamawesome]

The funny thing is her ex is leaving soon for 9 months. Good luck with that. I'm breaking NC today to tell her I'm moving on and since she was going "talk to me when she was ready".

 

Normally I would never break NC, but I'm not turning back so I don't want her contacting me when the ex leaves.

[iamawesome]

So I just broke NC to tell her that I'm not going to wait around for her to contact me. That at this point I'm out of her life and that I am moving on. Now I will go back to NC and will never look back =) .

 

Chalk one up to experience.

[iamawesome]

Well,

 

I did something everyone on these forums will yell at me for. I showed up unexpected at her work to have a "talk". I wasn't about to get grey-zoned damnit. We had lunch together on her lunch break and here is an interesting turn of events.

 

I guess some of the information I had above was wrong. She, in fact, was not staying at her ex's. She swears they are just friends and that they "argue a lot". She tells me she had been staying at her grandparents house for the last couple of weeks, something that she "objectively" verified for me. Her ex is leaving on Dec. 7th and she said she had no interest in getting in a relationship right now and that she just wants to be single. That includes being with him OR me. She wants space from me so that she can get over me and focus on school.

 

I asked her if she still wanted to be friends and she said she doesn't think so. She told me her feelings for me are too strong. Every time she sees me all the healing that time has done, is gone and she feels pain again (take in mind its been a month already). She told me that she has trouble just talking to me and she wants to focus on "getting over me".

 

So I asked her if she wanted to talk about things later, perhaps over dinner. So tomorrow night we are meeting to talk more about things. I don't know what really is left to say, but whatever, better than eating alone. I'm surprised she agreed considering her Sat. nights are like her only free nights to go out and have fun.

 

I'm honestly pretty indifferent about the whole situation. I did the NC thing I feel pretty good about being alone. I'm not really sure I want her back, I like the idea of us maybe being just friends, but I really have my eyes set on school.

 

I guess tomorrow I can tell her I feel the same way. I'm a little surprised she's not emotionally over me yet. I guess maybe because I was the dumper, it's easier for me to let go.

 

So what do you think LS, should I go with the flow or blow things off tomorrow and NC so she can heal and "get on with her life". BTW crazy girl still wants to come on the Jan. getaway with me, man I swear how can we "not be friends" yet still go on a getaway together. weird. In the meanwhile I have some dates hehe =).

 

Edit: Prefer a girls perspective on all this

Edited November 6, 2010 by iamawesome

[pinkie]

I think you two should go to dinner and discuss everything you've mentioned here since you're last visit with her. Ask her how she expects to go on a getaway with you, with no intentions of being friends and wanting to be single and move on at the same time ..? She can't have it both ways. (Maybe she wants a free trip, something to brag about to girlfriends.. who knows).

 

You can't have it both ways either. Take what she says for truth and walk away. If you're already going on dates with other people, you should tell her that you're moving on and take a new girl on the getaway.

 

You both need to say what you mean and mean what you say. Otherwise, it's just a pointless game you two are playing.

[iamawesome]

Thank you. You are right, both of our actions are inconsistent with what we are telling each other and it needs to stop. We need to both say what we mean and mean what we say. I post an update on how things go tomorrow.

 

BTW shes paying for her portion of the trip, nothing free about it for her.

[iamawesome]

Well, she bailed out on the dinner tomorrow. She wants to talk over the phone instead. She told me that when she sees me it confuses her too much and it makes her depressed for the next few days? Damn, what the hell does that mean. So I guess were going to have a chat on the phone. I don't see this ending good at all.