Can't decide.

[Britney23]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and I am not sure whether we're right for each other or not. Its just making me unhappy every single day. I love him so much which is why this is so hard. I don't know if I am just creating problems that are not there or if we are just incompatible and i'm never going to be truly happy. Has anyone ever felt like this and how do you overcome the feeling?

 

For a long time now we have had problems because I wanted us to live together and he wasn't ready. In August, I finally reached my breaking point after him rejecting me for so long. I started subconsciously emotionally distance myself from him, mentally preparing myself to break up. All i could see was his flaws. Needless to say I ended things with him but we decided to just be friends (his idea). We spoke to each other on the phone everday and we ended up seeing each other after 3 weeks of being broken up. Neither of us was with anyone else or anything during that time. Anyways, all the feelings and chemistry came back and one thing lead to another and then he just assumed we were back together again. I told him that our problems hadn't magically gone away. He then told me that he wanted to live with me...

 

It didn't feel like the right time but its what I had wanted for so long so we got back together (stupidly) and started looking for a place to live together. That was disaster. He had a massive check point list of what the house had to have and it had to be way less than what we could both afford. I spent hours and hours looking at places, emailing him about places, ringing up real estate agents, going to inspections. He just wasn't all that interested and every house had something wrong with it. After 2 weeks of that I just gave up because nothing had changed and we broke up again.

 

The story unfortunately doesnt end there. Everyone I speak to by this stage all were telling "he's just playing with you" "he never wanted to live with you" "he probably wanted you to break up with him, etc"... I believed everything people was telling me and was so angry at him but at the same time missed him terribly. He has been my best friend this past few years and I share everything with him. I am prone to be very up and down with my emotions but he is very very flat-lined so kind of balances me out...

Anyways a week later he called me all sad telling me "he had noone to talk to anymore, he missed me, he did want to live with me but he just wanted us to find the perfect house and didnt see why we had to rush, etc". we started seeing each other as friends and each time it was like we were on the first date again, the chemistry was intense. We still loved each other so much and neither of us wanted anyone else. So maybe we should try work things out again.

 

So we got back together again and have been back together for about 3 weeks. I really want us to work this time and i am committed to us. But it is so hard. I don't understand why it has to be so hard. I am just unhappy and cry almost everyday. I don't want to hurt him again and keep going back and forth. Its not fair to either of us. But at the same time why can't I be sure. Why do my feelings for him change so much. I love him so why can't I be happy? Obviously the living together isn't our only problem we argue about a lot of little things...

[AverageJoe]

I appreciate you using paragraphs, it seems to be a lost art.

 

Your story reminds me of this story.

 

Her Diary:

 

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

 

 

His Diary:

 

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I got laid.

[Britney23]

I appreciate you using paragraphs, it seems to be a lost art.

 

Your story reminds me of this story.

 

Ha, helpful. Are you saying I worry too much? Because that is probably true but I think its a different story because I am the one acting distant, not him. I know what he thinks - not much.

[AverageJoe]

Here is the rub, if this personality type is unacceptable to you. Leave. Do not compromise yourself.

[spiderowl]

Hi Britney, I'm sorry you are feeling so unhappy. If you are feeling sad every single day then something is wrong somewhere.

 

I don't think you are creating problems. You wanted your boyfriend to live with you and he wouldn't (for whatever reason). I can see that would feel like a rejection and you have been behaving as if you were feeling rejected. It seems like it was only when you started to disengage and eventually break up with him that he responded. But you had gone through the process of disengaging and starting to see the flaws in him before he tried to get you back together. It's really hard to break up with someone and you were almost there. Maybe at some level that's where you are now, you broke up with him and this current state feels wrong now.

 

I notice you said 'he' assumed you were back together again but it seems you did not. I would guess that in your heart you are not back with him. Not only did you cut yourself off emotionally but you have not confirmed you are back to him. What if he asked you if everything was good now, what would you say?

 

You put all this work into finding a house and it looks like he was turning you down at every point. He may well have wanted the perfect house with you but was he doing all the work? From what you said, no. He's letting you do all the running and then criticising what you come up with. It's a good tactic to avoid committing onesself in any way, but it's not fair on you. Maybe at some level you feel you have to do the work because you know, deep down, he's not going to. Why should you have to carry him like this? I've been in this type of situation before and it is so utterly demoralising. Any time you feel that you are doing all the initiating of something, all the work and getting worn out by it, you need to realise that the other person is not motivated. If this is anything like what I've experienced, the guy will do the minimum necessary to make you feel he is willing to please you, but will do very little and you'll end up doing it all. The final, demoralising blow is when they don't appreciate or turn down your efforts. You cannot drag a reluctant partner along with you. In fact, the important thing about a partner is that they are working *with* you. He is not. I learned a very hard lesson. Ask yourself "is he going my way" (v. important question immortalised in the Lenny Kravitz song). If he isn't, you are better off out of it.

 

Unlike your friends and family, I don't believe he was just playing with you or anything like that. I do think it's not what he wants and he is unconsciously sabotaging everything. You are aware of that deep down and that's what's hurting you and making you so unhappy. He may be your best friend but probably not your partner, there is a difference. He may well miss you too and because of that he wants to cling to the relationship. He must know that he's not really offering you what you need.

 

Words are cheap and people say things. It doesn't mean they'll follow through. If you judge him by his actions and trust your own feelings about how things are going (they are not good, are they?), then what does that tell you? Pretend you are deaf and cannot hear what he says, what is the evidence about his behaviour so far telling you? I'm really sorry you are in this situation because I know more than most how much it hurts.

[Britney23]

Thank you spiderowl for taking the time to write your reply. When he assumed we were back together, you're right that my heart wasn't really in it. We broke up again after that though and ended up getting back together again.

 

I think I know we're not right for each other, we want different things. The living together thing is just an example. Other things are travel and plans for our future. I think you're right about us not been partners...

 

I know all this yet I can't seem to let go. I am scared that I will only be strong enough to leave (and not come back) when I have lost all my love for him and I am completely miserable. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to hurt him but I am hurting myself staying with him. I have started to imagine my future with someone else (no one in particular, there is no one) but just someone who wants the same things in life as I do and can make me happy. I have given up on the thought of living with him. I have convinced myself that it isn't what I want anymore.

 

Another thing is its just embarrassing. One minute we're together, next we're broke up. I don't want to be on this rollercoaster ride anymore but I cannot get off and stay off.

[LittleTiger]

I got in to a relationship many years ago with a guy I loved more than anything in the world. He was my best friend and I wanted to be with him all the time. We argued far too often, the sex wasn't perfect and we had different values (!?) but everything else was great.

 

I wasn't sure if he was the right man for me. We split up briefly, couldn't bear to be apart, got back together. Not quite the ride you've been on but the tiny seed of uncertainty was there. I couldn't imagine my life without him so I chose to ignore it.

 

Eventually we decided that we loved each other too much to be apart - it wasn't perfect but it was as perfect as we thought we could expect. We got married. We made it through 14 years in total. Now we're divorced.

 

The heartache of separation after a long term relationship is almost unbearable. Trust me, you'll find it far easier to pull out now than several years down the line.

 

I now have a rule when I'm making any decision in life - if I'm not sure, the answer is 'no'.

[Britney23]

I got in to a relationship many years ago with a guy I loved more than anything in the world. He was my best friend and I wanted to be with him all the time. We argued far too often, the sex wasn't perfect and we had different values (!?) but everything else was great.

 

I wasn't sure if he was the right man for me. We split up briefly, couldn't bear to be apart, got back together. Not quite the ride you've been on but the tiny seed of uncertainty was there. I couldn't imagine my life without him so I chose to ignore it.

 

Eventually we decided that we loved each other too much to be apart - it wasn't perfect but it was as perfect as we thought we could expect. We got married. We made it through 14 years in total. Now we're divorced.

 

The heartache of separation after a long term relationship is almost unbearable. Trust me, you'll find it far easier to pull out now than several years down the line.

 

I now have a rule when I'm making any decision in life - if I'm not sure, the answer is 'no'.

 

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I feel I can definitely relate and know that its better ending it sooner than later when I'm not sure. One thing I don't understand is why after all this he still wants to be with me and never talks about leaving me at all. I don't get it.

[LittleTiger]

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I feel I can definitely relate and know that its better ending it sooner than later when I'm not sure. One thing I don't understand is why after all this he still wants to be with me and never talks about leaving me at all. I don't get it.

 

He loves you Britney (and maybe he thinks he needs you).....sadly, sometimes love isn't enough.

 

Relationships take many forms and we can love someone intensely and be very attracted to them, but if the dynamics are wrong it's never going to work. You even state that you want different things so, deep down, you know where this is going in the long term.

 

If you're unhappy there is a reason for it. This rollercoaster ride you say you're on....? When you start to feel so sick or so scared that you can't stand it any more you'll jump. It's human nature.

 

If the thought of jumping right now scares you even more than the thought of the ride, then hang on tight and make the most of it, because it could go on for quite some time.