Physically attracted but ...

[spiderowl]

There's this guy I know who has shown quite a bit of interest in me recently. He's making it fairly clear he'd like to get to know me and has taken every opportunity to talk to me and touch (put his arm round me, brush my hair off my face, etc.). I'm not entirely sure what exactly he's interested in, but he's being kind and friendly. Actually, he seems a very nice guy, he's polite, hard working and is really sweet to his kids, something I've witnessed.

 

So, I'm very tempted. But, there is a problem. We've talked on and off over the past year or so, when we've bumped into each other socially, and we're just not on the same wavelength intellectually. I cannot see any real future with this guy as I don't think we'd be a match in that respect. But, well as I said, I'm tempted to just enjoy the physical affection and fun. He seems kind and warm - qualities I really like - and is certainly attractive.

 

What to do? I think my friends would be surprised if they thought I was in any kind of relationship with him and I don't know if I'd want them to know. The intellectual mismatch is pretty obvious to them. I wouldn't want to use this guy in any way or mislead him as he seems genuine. What would you do? It's getting to a stage now where I'm going to have to draw a line somewhere, maybe even speak to him. I haven't led him on in any way and in fact so far I've avoided anything that would give him the wrong impression. I haven't let him buy me a drink for example and I've avoided his suggestions that we go out for a drink somewhere one evening.

 

I should add that I've found it really difficult to meet a guy who has all the qualities I consider essential - kindness, warmth, physically attractive to me, intelligent, responsible - and while I've met quite a few who seemed interested, there is always one of those things missing. It's quite depressing really.

Edited November 6, 2010 by spiderowl

[paleblue]

it sounds like when someone says.. i'm "almost" attracted... but you're not completely... or that other word comes to mind... "settling". it sounds like you may be better off just remaining friends. i think you are going to have to tell him that is all it can be. sorry!

[carhill]

From a male perspective a good heart, meaning care, empathy, compassion and love can balance out an intellectual imbalance, but I'm unclear if such an equation exists for women. I'm presuming you're far more intelligent than he is. There is a difference between marked disparities in intelligence and similar ones in education. Regardless, this weighs on your psyche and therefore is an issue.

 

I did marry someone who purportedly was of similar intelligence but time and experience taught me an additional criteria; how efficiently and completely one utilizes the gifts they are given. Such ultimately became one of my larger frustrations in marriage and, without substantial care, empathy and support to balance it, ultimately caused me to lose the love and respect I had.

 

Long-winded way of saying move on, I guess....

[AverageJoe]

My guess is he is poor, including the smarts.

[carhill]

kindness, warmth, physically attractive to me, intelligent, responsible

 

Yeah, if I ever meet someone like that, marriage again will become a possibility. At my age, with enough intimacy, the physical part gets mitigated; we're all getting older ...

[spiderowl]

Thanks for reponses. I understand what you mean. I did wonder about the 'settling' and I guess that is part of it but not all. I'm wasn't thinking I'd be with this guy for long, so not settling in that respect more taking a temporarily lover. I take your point though.

 

Not sure I completely understand what the 'balancing out' means Carhill. Without meaning to be at all arrogant, there is a gap in intelligence, but he is sweet and resourceful, all qualities I really like. I'm not confident that they will be sufficient long term though. He may not be interested in anything long term; I'm not presuming but I can't see any way of making it clear I wouldn't be without it seeming offensive. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, the physical part really matters to me or I wouldn't be tempted here.

 

Not sure what you mean about him being poor. Are you suggesting he'd only be interested in me if he was poor? Or do you mean that him being poor is what is putting me off? No, he isn't poor (or rich for that matter), it's the intelligence gap that is bothering me.

Edited November 6, 2010 by spiderowl

[paleblue]

Well, if you just want a little fun for awhile (aka FWB), that's ok, as long as he fully understands that. And doesn't just agree to your offer, but has other intentions in mind. Like trying to keep you. You need to know he knows whats up.

 

Im not so sure tho just for fun ever really works out that way. Thats the problem. Keep that in mind. Think about all the stories you have read on here about FWB going haywire. Think about down the road, after the fact. Who gets hurt? No one? Or will he get whiney, clingy, hurt, mad?

will lines be drawn in the sand?

 

Regardless whats up, I can relate, I know what you mean about physical attraction. Its a powerful thing. Like when I see an attractive woman.. I think Wow, I know I probably wouldn't be able to put up with antics forever, but I sure would like to have some fun with her for awhile : ))

 

Unfortunately for males, it doesnt seem to quite work out as easily like that, as it does for females. Which I find to be very unfair

[carhill]

Not sure I completely understand what the 'balancing out' means Carhill.

 

I'll give an example:

My dad was a CPA; 150+ IQ, college graduate back in the 1930's. Smart as a whip. I loved to watch him think.

 

Mom, OTOH, was of average intelligence. Barely finished high school in the Depression era. However, being a farm girl, she had 'street intelligence' and a strong work ethic. She also was loving, loyal and supportive of my father and the family and learned a lot from him during their marriage. She used her lesser intelligence efficiently and augmented it with care and empathy; a 'good heart'.

 

Without those 'balancing factors', I could easily see my father become frustrated with and weary of her. He never did. She was his advocate when he died and went on to live alone successfully for many years after.

 

When I say men and women may be different, I mean you may have different criteria regarding what a healthy balance of intellect and other factors is *for you*. You're in charge of that. There is no right answer. This isn't a test

[spiderowl]

"And what makes you so sure you're so much more intelligent than he is? I hope this is not based on educational achievements because let me tell you something sweety, I have known guys who never finished High School who are WAY SMARTER than people with Master's Degrees."

 

There's no need to be like that. I'm not suggesting I'm better than him, just different. In fact, I agree with you that intelligence is not based on educational achievements. He does have talents and skills that I don't have, but it comes down to whether we can have conversations that can be wide ranging and if I feel I'm having to explain things all the time. At the moment, it's basically speed of thought and ability to grasp concepts quickly. He just doesn't cope well.

 

"In fact usually the dumbest people on the planet have gone to school for the longest amounts of time. They have no people skills nor do they have common sense."

 

I wouldn't agree that educated people are the dumbest people but I have certainly met offensive, ill-mannered, arrogant and thoughtless educated people.

 

"And any woman who cares what her friends think about her man is a low quality woman. I'm sorry. You are insecure. He is better off without you, not vice versa. He sounds too good for you, you don't deserve him."

 

I have been wondering why it would bother me if my friends thought we were seeing each other. You are right, what does that say about me? That's why I am asking the questions. I wouldn't care if I felt my friends were misjudging either of us in any way, but I'm sure they would realise we weren't compatible long term and so would wonder why I was bothering to get involved at all. There is another factor in that he has been a bit blatant and upfront about his interest in a way that has made my friends feel awkward as he practically forced himself into the group to talk to me. This was awkward for me and I did feel it wasn't very tactful on his part, so his social skills seemed a bit lacking there. Having said that, circumstances would have made it difficult for him to make contact any other way. It was just rather embarassing at the time.

 

"Get off your High Horse. There are all different kinds of "intelligence". Mabye he knows how to fix cars. Do you know anything about that? If that's the case he is MORE INTELLIGENT than you in at least one area. GUARANTEED he is smarter than YOU are in at least several areas."

 

I wouldn't disagree with this and it's more about how compatible we'd be.

 

"It sounds like you have a laundry list of qualities you want in a man. You dont have to settle but when youre looking for someone who is PERFECT you are always going to be disappointed."

 

Yes, I do have a list and for me they are essential qualities for someone I'd want to be with for more than a short-term fling. I don't think they are perfection but important in any decent human being. Unfortunately, the guys I've met and liked have had fundamental flaws that matter, e.g. (1) lovely guy, intelligent, kind to me, but ... drinks far too much. As I've got a friend dying of alcoholism, I'm not going further with that one; (2) intelligent, creative, interesting guy, but his manners leave a lot to be desired and I don't want to spend my time arguing with him over them; (3) nice guy, intelligent, friendly, respectful, but controlling; (4) Kind, intelligent, respectful, can really have a good conversation with him, but he's married - and so it goes on. I'm really not having much luck!

 

"Id be happy with a woman who is attractive and fun to be with. Thats it. Unless this guy is borderline retarded, you are being way too picky."

 

Maybe you're right, but if I decide to give it a try and then find I can't cope with the intellectual gap, then who gets hurt? I don't want anyone to get hurt.

Edited November 6, 2010 by spiderowl

[Pfiend101]

What kind of things do you like to talk about that he cant grasp?

[carhill]

Actually, he seems a very nice guy, he's polite, hard working and is really sweet to his kids, something I've witnessed.

 

So, do you want to have children?

 

If so, irrespective of any other qualities, what kind of role model do you think this man would be for a child?

[Nemicron]

is this a quality that you think you could over look? If so I'd say sure. You deserve to be happy everyone does. Do you think that he will make you happy and finally feel complete. ( not to get all Jerry McGuire on you ) Butis it something you can see yourself spending time with everyday? If you can answer there things and say yes to all of them. I'd say sure. Give it try.

[spiderowl]

Thanks for comments. You've given me some hard questions to answer.

 

I'll start with the easier one. No, I don't want to have children, too old for that and I've already got some nearly grown up. He's about 8 years younger than me.

 

I think he'd be a kind, friendly, hard-working role model to my children, but they would get bored with him because he wouldn't talk about things that would interest them, like maths and physics. It would also be really difficult if he tried to teach them about anything.

 

I can't overlook it; it's obvious to me that though I think he's sweet and well-meaning, we are not on the same wavelength. I can't see myself spending life with him, no. That's why I'm asking really if a short-term involvement is a good idea. I think I could enjoy his physical company in the short-term but not sure about a complete relationship.

 

Concepts? This is a difficult one. He took a long time to explain something very simple to me and I had to ask several questions to clarify. He misunderstands what I'm asking him, going off on a tangent which seems just for the sake of talking. He is telling me things about life, politics, education, that I learned ages ago and have discussed at length with others. He struggles with reading and writing - it may be dyslexia, I don't know - and there is a disparity there. He frequently misunderstands the point of a discussion in a group.

 

The more I write about this and read what others have said, the more I'm realising it would be a mistake to risk any involvement. I suppose I should get used to a life without physical affection, it's very hard though.

[utterer of lies]

The more I write about this and read what others have said, the more I'm realising it would be a mistake to risk any involvement. I suppose I should get used to a life without physical affection, it's very hard though.

 

Why? Maybe he's interested in a FWB kind of relationship. Just because you have sex doesn't mean you need to spend your life together.

[TheMENemy]

Yeah seriously. He just needs to be smart enough to get it in the right hole.

[You'reasian]

Concepts? This is a difficult one. He took a long time to explain something very simple to me and I had to ask several questions to clarify. He misunderstands what I'm asking him, going off on a tangent which seems just for the sake of talking. He is telling me things about life, politics, education, that I learned ages ago and have discussed at length with others. He struggles with reading and writing - it may be dyslexia, I don't know - and there is a disparity there. He frequently misunderstands the point of a discussion in a group.

 

Did you reveal your level of education with this guy?

 

Consider the circle that this gentleman runs in and the circle that you run in. Many of his peers may not know or understand the things he discusses about life, politics and education. Perhaps you could bridge the gap with him since he's showing interest int he topics anyway.

 

How does he struggle with reading and writing?

 

If this young guy doesn't read very much as a hobby, you can't expect him to be able to discuss certain topics at great length compared to someone say who has a Master's degree. Again, this is where you can get him interested in reading - starting in a subject that he finds interesting.

 

Writing is a perishable skill as well. If this young guy can write simple sentences in the active voice and get his point across, why be so concerned?

 

In regards to the point of a discussion in a group - again maybe he is a skilled tradesman kind of guy who knows his skills but isn't familiar with a more organized setting. A gap that you can help him bridge.

 

Seeing that you have the capability of making this man more palatable to you intellectually, it requires patience to do such.

 

Patience goes a long way.

 

Good luck!

Edited November 7, 2010 by You'reasian

[Els]

I don't get why the majority of posters are trying to convince the OP to rethink her lack of attraction to the guy. Lack of attraction simply equals lack of attraction, and there's nothing at all wrong with it - how often have we said that to women claiming lack of attraction due to the guy being too short, or men claiming lack of attraction due to the woman being too fat? Why pounce on this?

 

OP, if I were you, I would very honestly suggest a FWB/fling situation to him. Most guys don't tend to turn such things down, and I figure he might enjoy it as well.

 

Don't feel bad about wanting to be on the same intellectual wavelength as a potential LTR partner. Personally, intellectual compatibility is probably the primary defining factor in my initial attraction towards men (with personality, etc coming into play as I get to know them better), and I don't feel the need to justify it. It's just, quote the legions of men lusting after perfect-bodied women, how I'm wired.

[carhill]

OP, if I were you, I would very honestly suggest a FWB/fling situation to him. Most guys don't tend to turn such things down, and I figure he might enjoy it as well.

 

Worthy of discussion with the man. The tricky part is soliciting his honest *feelings*. Be brutally honest that OP doesn't find him to be LTR material but would like to f*ck him. Just like that. If he has only lust in his heart, it's a deal. Anything other, he's being used. Not an attractive trait, using people, IMO. Goes back to that caring, empathy thing supplanting wrote intellect and education. So, if considering it, consider it carefully. Good luck