Best to start young and make more of an effort?

[counterman]

So, I was reading Hokie's thread about the psyche of a late bloomer and I was thinking would it be better for a person to start dating young?

 

A lot of my friends have that mentality that there is "no rush" when you're young...However, almost all of them have never dated before, let alone approach a girl. This might be okay in your early 20s but say 30s or 40s, I'm not quite sure.

 

So, would it be better just to put yourself out there and just date? To what extent?

 

I heard of some people dating just for the sake of getting experience, then they'll move onto a person, where the grass is greener and they're more capable of keeping that person due to said experience.

 

I find myself being a bit "picky" since my my first break-up. I have been working on myself and I have had a handful of first meetings with girls and just deciding not to go through with another date because I didn't feel the chemistry or I just didn't feel like it. I am still relatively inexperience though.

 

Should I make more of effort just to meet more girls and start dating more? Throw in other factors like work and studies. I am sure I can balance them.

[welikeincrowds]

I don't think there's really an answer to this question. I believe in "there's no rush." But I also believe in putting yourself into uncomfortable situations, if not for risk and reward, for character building and a more fulfilling life -- then to raise your heart rate, which doctors recommend.

[JungleLover]

 

I heard of some people dating just for the sake of getting experience, then they'll move onto a person, where the grass is greener and they're more capable of keeping that person due to said experience.

 

I

 

Should I make more of effort just to meet more girls and start dating more? Throw in other factors like work and studies. I am sure I can balance them.

 

I am one of those who believe in dating to at least get experience with handling relationships and dating. There can be a large learning curve depending on the individual so if you start dating in your 30s, you may not start seeing the light until your 40s and by that time, it could be slim pickings with quality daters.

 

I am sure you have heard the saying "if I only knew back then what I know now." That saying is from people who gained knowledge from experience and wish they can go back and use it at an earlier age. The later you start dating, the more likely that the saying will become your theme song.

[USMCHokie]

Looking back, I would have certainly wanted to start dating earlier...or at least try...but I would have been careful not to rely on "external validation" from early relationships to create my self-image...which can be very easy to do at a young age, since children often rely on external sources for validation...

[MrNate]

Action, action, action! If you can afford to do it, do it!

[krz12]

This seems true, but its easier said than done due to physical appearance and/or social status. And these things feedback each other.

[counterman]

That's the thing, I believe in that too - just putting yourself in uncomfortable situations and sort of rising to the challenge. I have gotten over some fears that way and am now pretty comfortable with somethings I wouldn't have been comfortable with a couple of years ago.

 

But, when does "no rush" become just an excuse for not trying and even to hide a fear of rejection? Which relates to more of my friends, rather than me.

 

I believe that too. There's just so many important things to learn in terms of relationships, how to deal with things, etc. I also believe that when you are younger, you can sort of be excused for a bit of inexperience, so you may as well try and just take some risks, whereas, later on, you're sort of expected to know or at least have an idea of what to do.

 

I sure do not want that to be the theme of my life 10 years from now.

 

It's just recently I have shifted my mind to be career-oriented and just stopped approaching girls altogether... I'm not sure that's a good idea.

[JungleLover]

It's just recently I have shifted my mind to be career-oriented and just stopped approaching girls altogether... I'm not sure that's a good idea.

 

 

If you got your life together, secure, and have some solid goals and passion, you will be given more slack but I would not completely put dating on the back burner while you become career oriented. You can just not date seriously during that time. I would still go out some to stay fresh and balanced.

[Jannah]

I can say that I def relied on validation from my last LTR, which was not good. I'm sure in some way, I unknowingly sought out reassurance as a way to duplicate what lacked during my childhood years.

[counterman]

Looking back, I would have certainly wanted to start dating earlier...or at least try...but I would have been careful not to rely on "external validation" from early relationships to create my self-image...which can be very easy to do at a young age, since children often rely on external sources for validation...

 

That was an issue for me... I could relate to some of the points you raised in your thread. My ex, I yearned for the feelings of affection from her. She had this power over me that so unhealthy. It was like I needed her validation. I needed her to approve of what I did, etc. She did treat me very bad and I thought it was me... I too became too attached to her when she showed interests in me and although we did have a relationship, I probably wouldn't have dated her as long as I did if I had rather gotten to know her better.

 

Over a year and almost two years, from that, I have learnt heaps. The most important thing I had to get over was caring what others think, and I guess that relates to external validation.

 

My friends recently said "I bet if a girl went up to you and said that shirt was ugly - you would never wear it again". I said "nope, screw what she thinks, I like it and that's all that matters". However, that just put me through the perspective of what my friends think and why they don't make more of an effort; fear of rejection.

 

I feel I have a lot more to learn though and I am very limited in my experience.

 

Action, action, action! If you can afford to do it, do it!

 

I think I can afford to. I KNOW I can

 

This seems true, but its easier said than done due to physical appearance and/or social status. And these things feedback each other.

 

Social status. I never cared too much about that. I really do not know how they are defined, or how it even worked. Closest I go to understanding it was back in high school. The douches were always the most popular; but never the most liked.

 

As for physical appearance, I am pretty comfortable with how I look. Of course there's always room for improvement, but I am working on that currently.

[AverageJoe]

So, I was reading Hokie's thread about the psyche of a late bloomer and I was thinking would it be better for a person to start dating young?

 

 

Absolutely not. If you are at a young age your phyche should be in getting a degree or two, first. Why arent you in college? Young people do not have the life experience to have a fruitful relationship.

 

Now, I am not saying dont have fun, let laid. Certainly do that, but do not get involved in a relationship while trying to attain your career goals. You do not need that stone around your neck. It can devastate everything. Get a degree (or two), hone your craft and I can guarantee if you play your cards right in just a few short years when you are successful. You will have your pick of the litter. Get that education, first.

[counterman]

If you got your life together, secure, and have some solid goals and passion, you will be given more slack but I would not completely put dating on the back burner while you become career oriented. You can just not date seriously during that time. I would still go out some to stay fresh and balanced.

 

I am still really young, literally, so I wouldn't say I have got my life together yet. As for goals an passion, that's not a problem. I was thinking that maybe when I reach the age of 26 or 27 and have really established something, then I would have more of my life together and that would be a better time to date, but with limited experience prior.

 

I agree with you. I think that's what I was thinking about. Not dating seriously. I don't think I can fit a relationship in unless I meet a girl who was really worthwhile. Which brings me back to the last few girls I've been out with. I just didn't feel it. Maybe it was them or maybe it was the fact that I just wasn't up for dating, which my mind has been so relationship-oriented.

 

Fresh and balanced is the way to go though.

 

I can say that I def relied on validation from my last LTR, which was not good. I'm sure in some way, I unknowingly sought out reassurance as a way to duplicate what lacked during my childhood years.

 

I guess it's a good lesson learnt. I sought out too and I often wondered why I wanted her approval so much. But there defiintely could be a correlation with childhood. However, in my case, I think it had more to with it being my first relationship.

[Jannah]

I guess it's a good lesson learnt. I sought out too and I often wondered why I wanted her approval so much. But there defiintely could be a correlation with childhood. However, in my case, I think it had more to with it being my first relationship.

 

Approval. Yes, that is the word, especially how it relates to the ex.

 

But, the RL before that, I never sought his approval. So, it's interesting to see the two contrasts.

[counterman]

Absolutely not. If you are at a young age your phyche should be in getting a degree or two, first. Why arent you in college? Young people do not have the life experience to have a fruitful relationship.

 

Now, I am not saying dont have fun, let laid. Certainly do that, but do not get involved in a relationship while trying to attain your career goals. You do not need that stone around your neck. It can devastate everything. Get a degree (or two), hone your craft and I can guarantee if you play your cards right in just a few short years when you are successful. You will have your pick of the litter. Get that education, first.

 

Did you mean get laid?

 

I am in college and am focusing really hard on my studies. Unless the girl is oriented towards her own career as I am then I don't think i can be in a relationship with her.

 

That's what I was thinking though, I would be in a better position to date, say about 5 years from now then I am not, albeit lacking a bit of experience.

 

Approval. Yes, that is the word, especially how it relates to the ex.

 

But, the RL before that, I never sought his approval. So, it's interesting to see the two contrasts.

 

I had at times before tried to seek the approval of those girls who weren't that interested. As for those that were, I couldn't care less.

 

Funny how that works. However, I have learnt to just be, rather than to care whether another person thinks of me well or not.

[threebyfate]

Absolutely not. If you are at a young age your phyche should be in getting a degree or two, first. Why arent you in college? Young people do not have the life experience to have a fruitful relationship.

 

Now, I am not saying dont have fun, let laid. Certainly do that, but do not get involved in a relationship while trying to attain your career goals. You do not need that stone around your neck. It can devastate everything. Get a degree (or two), hone your craft and I can guarantee if you play your cards right in just a few short years when you are successful. You will have your pick of the litter. Get that education, first.

While I agree that getting your education should be your first priority and then get stabilised in your career path prior to getting married, it's not as if relationships are such a big deal that it would cause a lodestone around your neck. That is unless you're picking bat shyte crazy women who are emotionally draining.

 

Went through under and post grad dating, partying and in relationships. Not one regret and would do it all over again the same way, although sleep was at a premium. Grades didn't suffer at all.

[Titania22]

Counterman, everyones experience is unique. There is nothing wrong with holding off on dating and relationships if you want to. There is something to be said for gaining experience, but the costs I have paid for my experience have been very heavy. I wished I had waited until I was around 27. I may not have had dating experience then, but I would have had many other life experiences, and may have learnt some of my lessons in other, less costly, ways. I hear the others saying about people wishing that they knew then what they know now. But some things just take time, life experience and opportunity to learn. I was hardly going to get married at 5 so by the time I was 20 I would have figured it all out. I feel that sometimes jumping in too early, can get us into bigger trouble.

 

So do as you will Counterman, and it is sure to be the right thing for you.

[Nemicron]

sounds like your still looking for the qualities from your ex in the new girls. But normally I'd say dont be so picky. But in all honesty you shouldl look at the cheating threads and see how alot of girls are acting now. Be careful with who you choose to date. I doubt you'd end up in anything serious right away. But date but keep your walls up for a while until their words actually match their actions as a nice person said to me. Dont make the mistake by jumping into things head first because 8 time out of 10 you could get burned. And this is from my experience. Never trust a thing a person tells you something until you can verify it twice or more. Be smart and always think ahead when it come to a relationship. BEcause at any given point it could turn sour and things could go bad. That doesn't mean you should hide in a cave no. But just be careful.

[Titania22]

because 8 time out of 10 you could get burned. And this is from my experience

 

Hey, you've got 8 out of 10, I've got 2 for 2.

 

And BTW You look hot! And that's coming from a girl who normally only checks out guys around 20yrs old.

[counterman]

I suppose that there are some things that are not worth jumping into, especially at such a young age. I think there is a lot of other things I can learnt outside of the dating realm. In saying that, I do not tolerate any nonsense from anyone and this is partly why the I hadn't gone any further with the last few girls I have met. There's every chance I could get burnt but there's always a positive from it. No risk, no return right? Question is whether I want to go for it now or later.

 

My mind use to be really relationship-oriented.then, earlier this year, I thought I would char the fun girls, the ones that club, party hard, etc. I never got around to that because I thought I would lose a bit control over my studies. So, I met a few others and none them did it for me. I decided then to just focus on my studies.

 

Plus, I thought that I would be better equip to date when I am older and have thugs going for me. However, college is a place where I can meet a lot of girls and I just want a bit of fun. Just don't know how to quite get it.

 

I should also add that I would like to get married and settle down by 30. I don't want to still play the field then or even in my 40s. In saying that, I don't want to get experience just for the sake of it. I'm just finding the girls I meet, none of them I have thought twice about.

 

As for looking for qualities of my ex, maybe more or less physically (I was attracted to her most) but definitely not personality-wise. I learnt heaps from that relationship, made heaps of mistakes, suffered more when she went out with a former friend whom she has always said she wasn't interested in and got over that. That's really good advice to not take the word of someone, it's the actions that really count.

 

I do not have much to offer in terms of what a more established person could but I do not want to be 30 and hesistant in how to go about things. I enjoy putting myself just outside my

comfort zone and getting comfortable. I let the urge to just go for override what I do more often then not. So even if I say I will just focus on other things, I think it will end up with me having a hit of fun here and there.

[GrayClouds]

Maybe the fact is you were simple was not ready and it was your way of protecting yourself until you were more equipped. Now that you are you are finding that it is hard, but understand it not hard because you started late or miss out on learning it earlier, it is hard because it is hard.

 

 

 

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[terra]

Being a late bloomer myself, I don't regret starting late.

When I was younger I was shy and lacked self esteem. I didn't date at all in college or for several years after. But I did focus on myself - got a couple degrees, traveled and worked in different places around the world and now I'm a much more confident person. I'm totally cool with the fact that I waited to date(although, probably at the time I wouldn't have said this). I think if I had relationships along the way I wouldn't have done all the things I've done, and now I'm way more confident.

Me dating at 17 and me dating at 25; these are two completely different people. I think independence was good for me; I'm more confident and I think an overall better partner.

To get to the point, I think there are definite positives to starting the dating game later in life.

[gypsy_nicky]

This seems true, but its easier said than done due to physical appearance and/or social status. And these things feedback each other.

 

 

These two things are the main factors that will pop up time and again, whether you start dating young or when you start a bit older.

 

They reveal to a person the reality of who it is they are able and not able to date.

 

These two things do not remain static over time though and a person's looks is likely to change for the better or worse, so is their social status.

 

There are of course other major things that can upset or progress a persons dating history or lack thereof such as personality shortcomings, and or illness.

[OceanGirl]

I started dating really late. I lost my virginity at 21 and didn't date at all during my teens/late teens. I think some of my current issues are related to not having the dating/relationship experience someone of my age is supposed to have.

 

My cousin is 15 and has had a boyfriend since she was 13. I have never had a solid 2 year long relationship and I am 31. In many ways that 15 year old girl is more experienced than I am. And that's really depressing.

[counterman]

Maybe the fact is you were simple was not ready and it was your way of protecting yourself until you were more equipped. Now that you are you are finding that it is hard, but understand it not hard because you started late or miss out on learning it earlier, it is hard because it is hard.

 

It is hard. That's just the way it is and we all have to work with that. But it does make my life better in the long-run.

 

Being a late bloomer myself, I don't regret starting late.

When I was younger I was shy and lacked self esteem. I didn't date at all in college or for several years after. But I did focus on myself - got a couple degrees, traveled and worked in different places around the world and now I'm a much more confident person. I'm totally cool with the fact that I waited to date(although, probably at the time I wouldn't have said this). I think if I had relationships along the way I wouldn't have done all the things I've done, and now I'm way more confident.

Me dating at 17 and me dating at 25; these are two completely different people. I think independence was good for me; I'm more confident and I think an overall better partner.

To get to the point, I think there are definite positives to starting the dating game later in life.

 

That's great, I reckon. That you did travel, work in different places and really experience life for what it is. I think a big thing is the independence.

 

That's the thing, I am a pretty independent person but not completely well off because I am still studying. My confidence continues to grow all the time though.

 

I think there would also be positives from starting a little late.

 

I started dating really late. I lost my virginity at 21 and didn't date at all during my teens/late teens. I think some of my current issues are related to not having the dating/relationship experience someone of my age is supposed to have.

 

My cousin is 15 and has had a boyfriend since she was 13. I have never had a solid 2 year long relationship and I am 31. In many ways that 15 year old girl is more experienced than I am. And that's really depressing.

 

I don't think she would have experienced such quality as you would have in her relationship. I know of girls who have lost their virginity at 14 or so. They then jump from relationship to relationship. Even my own niece has had quite a few boyfriends. I am not going to question their "experience" as I didn't have a school relationship. But, I believe when you're an adult and child, the dynamic is different. When you're an adult, it's the real deal.

 

My niece came to me for advice. She has had more "experience" in terms of being in more relationships. But I found that I can relate to her situations more because of my maturity. I set her straight about that jerk that she dating. Although she didn't listen to my advice, she told me she should have because he ended up breaking up with her.

 

A lot of the teens have made mistakes that end up shaping their personality, and their life, in general. In a way, I am sort of glad I didn't start that young. It is funny hearing some of the stories back then of "love" and feelings of being together forever, which just dissolves away as they mature. Plenty of more worthwhile experiences than a relationship during middle school or high school.

 

I think your issues may be attributed to inexperience but through experiencing them, currently, you learn and will be better for dating in the near-future. It's all about self-improvement. I don't think it's that depressing at all

[Jannah]

I had at times before tried to seek the approval of those girls who weren't that interested. As for those that were, I couldn't care less.

 

Funny how that works. However, I have learnt to just be, rather than to care whether another person thinks of me well or not.

 

True. You were trying to seek approval from women through dating, I was trying to seek approval from my then partner. I can safely say, the repercussions from it were very difficult for me to overcome. I hope that is not the same case for you.

 

The not care attitude is def a good mantra to follow. It becomes more natural when you learn to discover who you are and acceptance of yourself.

 

We are our own worse critiques, after all.