I've become an awful, mean and nasty person...

[Marshmallow]

Hi,

 

I'm not sure how to start so i'm just going to give a brief outline of the situation;

 

I'm 23 never had a break from education, spent alot of my time working myself to death balancing jobs and college for 5 years to get on my dream course at uni.

Then eventually i started university (away from home), confident, enthusiastic, keen etc ready to absorb.

 

Then things around me went very wrong.

Had a very difficult time over the 2 years i was there... so many bad things happened one after another, i battled through the first year and came back fighting fit and ready to succeed in the 2nd only to have the rug pulled out from under my feet within the first month.

 

It was downhill from there i didn't bounce back, lost my motivation with uni itself. Although the actual course had never caused any of the issues, i lost confidence in myself to a really ridiculous extent, started having panic attacks when it came to doing my work, sometimes just thinking about it triggered it, i started having stress related physical problems i didn't realize it was stress causing it at first.

 

I failed my exams then failed my resits (the anxiety got so bad i went blank in one exam, hadn't been able to sleep the night before, wrote 2 lines and that was it even though i'd done nothing but solidly revise for it).

 

They wouldn't allow me to go into my 3rd year and said that this year i'd be classed as a probational student and the only thing academic i will be doing in the year is another set of resits then i'd join the programme next september if successful.

 

This also meant no student loan, i'd been pretty miserable all summer because i'd scraped by with a few shifts at work and gotten myself in debt to keep the house i'd been living in over summer as there is nowhere else available for rent so i'd have somewhere secured. (Alot of time effort stress and money wasted...time spent miserable for nothing). Having no student loan meant leaving and moving back home.

 

So i moved back home, where i have no friends as they've all settled down and moved away.

I've been here around 7 weeks.

It started off ok.

I've managed to get 12 hr a week job, although ideally i need full time work.

I've started an evening course which i love.

I've quit smoking.

I have goals but they are going to take a LOOONG time to get anywhere near started on them.

Yet i find myself massively afraid of this all happening again, finding myself back here, i also doubt my ability, i take negative comments about my plans to heart they really get to me if someone doesn't quite believe in me.

It sometimes makes me momentarily scrap my dreams and then i feel so lost and directionless.

Problems that i'm finding are, my confidence is still massively shot to peices.

I feel like i can't do anything right, sometimes i know i'm being stupid but then i'll get something really simple wrong and feel so deflated, then i'll do lots of insignificant things wrong but in my head because there's lots it gets emplified.

I'm bitter and angry.

It doesn't take alot to make my mood change.

I snap at my family, i can't stand to be around them sometimes, can't stand it if they come to find me in my room while i'm having my alone time, i snap then. I'm awful and horrible.

I'm aware i'm doing it, i hate myself for it but i can't stop the feelings.

I just bubble and boil over then i see red.

I have alot of self restraint though, i hold myself back all the time, which is equally as awful because im just being cold and false.

I avoid serious conversations with my mum because we'll end up arguing because she'll do or say something that will just push me over that edge of being able to hold back.

She just accuses me of 'passifying' her, agreeing with what she says to get rid of her when really i am actually agreeing in some ways and just trying not to delve to deep to avoid potential arguments but she wants to pick one because i'm trying to avoid one... - i can't do anything right.

I can't stand the interfering either, i'm not used to it, the only time i've had it over the last few years was through a phone call every few weeks and seasonal visits. I enjoying seeing my family so much more then, i felt like i'd finally got that freedom to be independant and had proved to my parents that i can look after myself and get along fine without them watching my every move and having an input.

They're awesome parents aswell, don't misunderstand me here, they are great parents.

Since coming back home though i feel asthough i've gone back in time and i'm 15 years old again. Which is unbearable.

I just find myself to be this miserable, horrible snappy bitch, boring, immature, useless and inadequate. I find myself comparing myself to everyone else aswell. I know everyone is individual but happy people seem to share some of the same qualities i wish i had, and have lost. etc i just want it to stop.

I want to be as close to the person i was just as i started uni.

I just don't know how to get there or if this is normal behaviour or what's wrong with me.

 

Please if anyone can help, has experience here or in a similar situation from either my perspective or my families etc please give me advice i'd really appreciate it.

 

Thanks

[skydiveaddict]

Don't feel too bad. I am an awful mean and nasty person as well

[Marshmallow]

Don't feel too bad. I am an awful mean and nasty person as well

 

Hehe great

[skydiveaddict]

Hehe great

 

 

Besides, you are not awful mean or nasty; Just frustrated and maybe a little angry over what you've been through. I would be too

[Marshmallow]

Thanks,

 

I think i'm suffering from depression, i'm going to make an appointment with my doctor and get myself sorted.

[ShadowU54321]

I have been through points in time in which I just became bitter to the world and let my emotions control me. I was stressed and I would say things that I would not necessarily mean, but at the time I was going through rough times or maybe it was just a chemical-imbalance in my body. You could relate your problem to the fact that you are living with your parents and it seems like your life goal was just shattered right in front of you. I feel your pain and all you can do is relax and take a deep breath and think before you act. It could help you create a healthy habit in your life. Hope this helps

[SarahRose]

Do you think you might be self sabotaging yourself for some reason?

 

Your schooling seems like a minor set back as you can still go. Is there any way you can work in the profession of your choice now?

 

I think I am becoming an angry person and I never wanted to be.

 

We you are used and abandoned by family, it is hard to not be. Making sincere real friends at my age is nearly impossible. I guess I feel I have been there for their problems etc. but now I am having a hard time they abandoned me. People are generally selfish and rotten.

[skydiveaddict]

Thanks,

 

I think i'm suffering from depression, i'm going to make an appointment with my doctor and get myself sorted.

 

 

That's awesome! Few people will ever make that leap. I hope things go well for you. (I think they will)

[User No 9]

what's up marshmellow. Join the crowd keke.

 

Just remember who the real mean and nasty people are. They're usually not on loveshack lol. Mean people would never use a site with the word "love" in it. So you are for sure not mean.

 

I think you might be suffering what I think of as "adaptation anxieties to a world of s**t"

 

Which the thing that makes it less dreadful is, well, just knowing that everyone else is also feeling that, or has at some point.

[Trinity2]

Thanks,

 

I think i'm suffering from depression, i'm going to make an appointment with my doctor and get myself sorted.

 

I am too, dealing with depression that is. Everybody deals with things different. It's hard for me to be mean, but have had to learn. Please don't be too hard on yourself, it will all work out. The first step is recognising a problem exists.

[Nikki Sahagin]

The meaness stems from frustration.

 

I really believe if we feel free, we don't necessarily feel happy, but we don't feel 'mean.' It's frustration with life that makes us so and corrodes who we are. It sounds like you've been in a civilised trap for a long while; education/work - any way you can break free? Do something free spirited like a trip?

[Truthseeker-John]

Marshmallow, you have obviously been pushing yourself too hard and it takes its toll. Be more kind to yourself.

Edited November 9, 2010 by Truthseeker-John

[You'reasian]

Hi,

 

I'm not sure how to start so i'm just going to give a brief outline of the situation;

 

I'm 23 never had a break from education, spent alot of my time working myself to death balancing jobs and college for 5 years to get on my dream course at uni.

Then eventually i started university (away from home), confident, enthusiastic, keen etc ready to absorb.

 

Then things around me went very wrong.

Had a very difficult time over the 2 years i was there... so many bad things happened one after another, i battled through the first year and came back fighting fit and ready to succeed in the 2nd only to have the rug pulled out from under my feet within the first month.

 

It was downhill from there i didn't bounce back, lost my motivation with uni itself. Although the actual course had never caused any of the issues, i lost confidence in myself to a really ridiculous extent, started having panic attacks when it came to doing my work, sometimes just thinking about it triggered it, i started having stress related physical problems i didn't realize it was stress causing it at first.

 

I failed my exams then failed my resits (the anxiety got so bad i went blank in one exam, hadn't been able to sleep the night before, wrote 2 lines and that was it even though i'd done nothing but solidly revise for it).

 

They wouldn't allow me to go into my 3rd year and said that this year i'd be classed as a probational student and the only thing academic i will be doing in the year is another set of resits then i'd join the programme next september if successful.

 

This also meant no student loan, i'd been pretty miserable all summer because i'd scraped by with a few shifts at work and gotten myself in debt to keep the house i'd been living in over summer as there is nowhere else available for rent so i'd have somewhere secured. (Alot of time effort stress and money wasted...time spent miserable for nothing). Having no student loan meant leaving and moving back home.

 

So i moved back home, where i have no friends as they've all settled down and moved away.

I've been here around 7 weeks.

It started off ok.

I've managed to get 12 hr a week job, although ideally i need full time work.

I've started an evening course which i love.

I've quit smoking.

I have goals but they are going to take a LOOONG time to get anywhere near started on them.

Yet i find myself massively afraid of this all happening again, finding myself back here, i also doubt my ability, i take negative comments about my plans to heart they really get to me if someone doesn't quite believe in me.

It sometimes makes me momentarily scrap my dreams and then i feel so lost and directionless.

Problems that i'm finding are, my confidence is still massively shot to peices.

I feel like i can't do anything right, sometimes i know i'm being stupid but then i'll get something really simple wrong and feel so deflated, then i'll do lots of insignificant things wrong but in my head because there's lots it gets emplified.

I'm bitter and angry.

It doesn't take alot to make my mood change.

I snap at my family, i can't stand to be around them sometimes, can't stand it if they come to find me in my room while i'm having my alone time, i snap then. I'm awful and horrible.

I'm aware i'm doing it, i hate myself for it but i can't stop the feelings.

I just bubble and boil over then i see red.

I have alot of self restraint though, i hold myself back all the time, which is equally as awful because im just being cold and false.

I avoid serious conversations with my mum because we'll end up arguing because she'll do or say something that will just push me over that edge of being able to hold back.

She just accuses me of 'passifying' her, agreeing with what she says to get rid of her when really i am actually agreeing in some ways and just trying not to delve to deep to avoid potential arguments but she wants to pick one because i'm trying to avoid one... - i can't do anything right.

I can't stand the interfering either, i'm not used to it, the only time i've had it over the last few years was through a phone call every few weeks and seasonal visits. I enjoying seeing my family so much more then, i felt like i'd finally got that freedom to be independant and had proved to my parents that i can look after myself and get along fine without them watching my every move and having an input.

They're awesome parents aswell, don't misunderstand me here, they are great parents.

Since coming back home though i feel asthough i've gone back in time and i'm 15 years old again. Which is unbearable.

I just find myself to be this miserable, horrible snappy bitch, boring, immature, useless and inadequate. I find myself comparing myself to everyone else aswell. I know everyone is individual but happy people seem to share some of the same qualities i wish i had, and have lost. etc i just want it to stop.

I want to be as close to the person i was just as i started uni.

I just don't know how to get there or if this is normal behaviour or what's wrong with me.

 

Please if anyone can help, has experience here or in a similar situation from either my perspective or my families etc please give me advice i'd really appreciate it.

 

Thanks

 

I'm sorry to hear this, young lady. The economy is in a bit of a pickle....around the globe...so there are probably many others like yourself. You're not alone!

 

The key for you to get out of this funk is to create goals for yourself. First some small ones then larger ones. Goals that will help you personally and professionally. You will be afraid but you can overcome fear by recognizing it and keeping your head in the game.

 

Makes sure you are getting plenty of exercise and are eating well too. Your physical healthy is connected to your mental and spiritual health. They all feed into each other. Time for you to take care of yourself.

Edited November 9, 2010 by You'reasian