this is depressing

[northern_sky]

And you're avoiding the question. What did you ask him to make things awkward?

 

I have no obligation to reveal every personal detail of my life on this forum. If I'm not comfortable elaborating on something, then you should respect that.

[welikeincrowds]

I have no obligation to reveal every personal detail of my life on this forum. If I'm not comfortable elaborating on something, then you should respect that.

 

Oh come on now SP, don't try and pull the moral high ground. You're the one who brought it up.

 

For the record, I'm curious too.

[northern_sky]

welikeincrowds: I want to send you a pm, but I think I'm too new. Do you know how many posts you need to make before you can pm? I can't remember.

[Mellisa]

My date with J was a let down. It's not that anything bad happened. He just seems colder and more withdrawn every time we see each other. I remember during our second date he was actually interested in me and getting to know me better. He said how he wanted to really see my sketchbooks the next time we were at my place. I found that touching. Now he is totally closed off.

 

I almost feel heart-broken. I even teared up a little when I got back to my place. He's exactly the type of guy I've always wanted and feel that I will never have. We are smart and reflective in exactly the same ways, we share an appreciation for the same things in the world. He understands my observations, when few other people can relate. It's hard to even admit to myself, but he is more like me in those ways than any other person I have ever met. I also sense that he has a lot of emotion bubbling beneath the surface, but I'll never have access to any of it.

 

I wish he were just some disappointing guy that I could dismiss and replace.

 

Because I rarely feel a connection with anybody, when I do it's that much harder to let go.

 

He might be perfect for you;he might even be the one for you;But he doesnt want you;he doesnt see you as the one for him;He's just not that into you;It's hard to deal but it happens a lot! Do you want to be with someone who dosent really want to be with you?Also consider you might be under the illusion of seeing him as how you wanted to.

 

Havent followed you posts, have you let him go yet?

[northern_sky]

I think the mistake I made was seeing him when I was in a total funk this week because of that retarded thread I started. My lack of confidence and anxiety inevitably seeped into my behavior. He DID seem excited about seeing me, based on the messages he sent beforehand and his demeanor when he greeted me. But I killed things by being a downer. I wasn't even looking forward to seeing him. It felt like a chore to me. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

Edited November 6, 2010 by northern_sky

[northern_sky]

I'm considering sending him a brief message before throwing in the towel. I have nothing to lose, right? And he's always been more than responsive to my messages in the past.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm feeling exasperated; forgive me.

 

What guy on Earth is going to agree to "make out" and "fool around" without having sex ...

 

When he already had NSA sex with you at least once in the past?

 

Perhaps, if he was desperately in love with you , he might engage in such a ridiculous activity.

 

It's already established that he's not, so what the heck are you DOING in this situation, which has been absolutely 100% created by your own machinations?

 

Sounds like you are frantically trying to corner this guy and putting yourself in a degrading position in the process. Just like everybody warned you when you posted at length about it before proceeding. WHY.

[LisaLee]

That all depends on what exactly your message is going to say. Are you sending him a Dear John?

[northern_sky]

I'm feeling exasperated; forgive me.

 

What guy on Earth is going to agree to "make out" and "fool around" without having sex ...

 

When he already had NSA sex with you at least once in the past?

 

Perhaps, if he was desperately in love with you , he might engage in such a ridiculous activity.

 

It's already established that he's not, so what the heck are you DOING in this situation, which has been absolutely 100% created by your own machinations?

 

Sounds like you are frantically trying to corner this guy and putting yourself in a degrading position in the process. Just like everybody warned you when you posted at length about it before proceeding. WHY.

 

Those were the terms we established, and I thought he had happily agreed to it. It was obviously a miscommunication.

[threebyfate]

northern sky, I know I haven't been on LS much in the past month+ but what's going on with you? I haven't seen you feel this down on yourself, ever.

[northern_sky]

That all depends on what exactly your message is going to say. Are you sending him a Dear John?

 

What is a Dear John?

 

I was going to apologize for sending him mixed messages by not clarifying what I was looking for. And also say that I feel like the pressure of defining things sapped the fun out of our interactions, even though I still believe it was good for us to discuss. And that I would like to date him casually if we can go back to being light hearted, but I'm wondering if that's something either of us can do.

[LisaLee]

What is a Dear John?

 

I was going to apologize for sending him mixed messages by not clarifying what I was looking for. And also say that I feel like the pressure of defining things sapped the fun out of our interactions, even though I still believe it was good for us to discuss. And that I would like to date him casually if we can go back to being light hearted, but I'm wondering if that's something either of us can do.

 

A Dear John is a letter that is written to a guy informing them that the relationship is over.

 

And you know, I thing those are some great things to say! But don't you think it would be better in person? Unless you truly think you communicate better in msgs than in rl...

[northern_sky]

A Dear John is a letter that is written to a guy informing them that the relationship is over.

 

And you know, I thing those are some great things to say! But don't you think it would be better in person? Unless you truly think you communicate better in msgs than in rl...

 

I truly do communicate things better in writing, unless I've known somebody for years. I tend to blurt out the wrong things in real life, even when I'm making a conscious effort to say the right thing.

[LisaLee]

Well as of right now I think you should just leave it alone. You sound hard up on yourself tonight. Have you ever noticed that when you're feeling low you tend to omit all the good things people say about you and zone in about the bad things? Even if it is something minor. Like what if you wrote this guy a message, and he wrote back. He could say

 

Shadow,

 

You're beautifulbeautifulbeautifulbeautifulbeautifulbeautifulbeautiful I felt just a little uncomfortable the other night but you're beautifulbeautifulbeautifulbeautifulbeautifulbeautifulbeautifulbeautifulbeautiful.

 

XOXO,

 

J

 

And you sure as s#it would only see the uncomfortable part.

 

I do think it sounds like he's genuinely interested in you, and it has the potential to lead into something more. But it also sounds like you get into your neurotic spells and it turns him off, understandably so. Give it a couple of days, and go from there.

[Mellisa]

Read through a bit of this post.Obviously you are attracted to this guy and you've had sex with him, why withdraw and take sex off the table now?I know you would say because he's not into you, but you hold off sex but still want to see him plus still doing the other physical things came off as strange and even manipulative to guys..Do you hold off sex to play hard to get so that he'll want you more?It's a weak trick and guys can alway see through it.I would lose respect for you as a guy.If he's not into you,he's not into you.In this case, you can either give 100%(bring sex on the table!) and try to enjoy yourself regardless of what you get in the end;or you should walk away and move the hell on.Show him you are a strong minded woman who knows what she wants and wont settle for less than what she deserves.If you cant adjust you mind and expectation to just fool around and have fun which is all he wanted,it's better not to play the games and got trapped in it.

[northern_sky]

northern sky, I know I haven't been on LS much in the past month+ but what's going on with you? I haven't seen you feel this down on yourself, ever.

 

Thanks for asking. I'm wondering the same thing. I'm not exactly sure what's up, but I think the main thing getting me down is school related. I'm supposed to graduate in a month. All semester, I've been procrastinating on my thesis project (a short film). Maybe I've been using dating as a distraction. I'm terrified that I won't finish it in time, and I will get an incomplete, which will delay my graduation until the spring. My advisers have been really down on me (and rightly so) for not being on the ball.

 

The main problem is I'm a perfectionist and terrified of failure, so that often gets in the way of my finishing projects. I get overly obsessive about the early planning stages to the point that it paralyzes me. Last semester at the end I finished strong, but I guess I'm just putting a huge amount of pressure on myself with this project that I'm scared to really engage it. My practical skills are bad (something I hope to improve), and planning a film obviously requires logistical know how. In an ideal world, a producer could handle that, and I could just be the cinematographer or editor (what I want to do eventually). But given my budget, I'm doing it all alone.

 

I do know that I'm able to turn out a good product when I don't get in my own way. The short film I did last semester turned out really well and won an award at the university, but that was far shorter and less involved. The good news is I only need to turn in a trailer for the film to graduate. Then I plan on finishing it over the spring while I work part time.

 

I'm also anxious about graduating.

 

I quit my waitressing job today. I hope it was the right choice. I hated my boss (everybody seems to, since people are constantly quitting), and he kept scheduling me for days I explicitly told him I couldn't take because of my academic schedule. I asked him the other day if he could lighten my load so I had time for my thesis, and he was evasive.

 

Even though quitting felt necessary, it's also left me anxious. Once the semester is over, I need to scramble to find another job immediately since I'm totally supporting myself here and there isn't anyone who can help me out. And even if there was, I wouldn't want to rely on them. I can't use my ex boss as a reference because he was really pissed off that I quit and he's nasty in general.

 

Meanwhile I feel like I'm running out of time, time to get my act together and time to attract a mate. The future is looking bleak to me. I seem to have lost whatever mojo I once had with guys.

 

I guess the thing is there isn't one area of my life I feel good about right now, and yet I feel powerless to fix anything.

 

Btw, I'm sorry for never responding to your response to my PM. My account got banned before I had a chance.

[threebyfate]

With all that's going on, I think you did the right thing by quitting the waitressing job and bailing on unnecessary stress.

 

As for this guy, I think you should also bail on him since he's unable to provide you with what you need in a relationship. You don't need him and if anything, I think dating him is distracting you from your main focus, which should be your thesis. What you could do is if he contacts you again, to suggest that you need to focus on your thesis.

 

Don't let him be an excuse for not putting your whole effort into this project. You can do it. I have faith in you.

[northern_sky]

With all that's going on, I think you did the right thing by quitting the waitressing job and bailing on unnecessary stress.

 

As for this guy, I think you should also bail on him since he's unable to provide you with what you need in a relationship. You don't need him and if anything, I think dating him is distracting you from your main focus, which should be your thesis. What you could do is if he contacts you again, to suggest that you need to focus on your thesis.

 

Don't let him be an excuse for not putting your whole effort into this project. You can do it. I have faith in you.

 

Thanks. I think I will actually follow your advice rather than putting any more effort or stress into a bad investment. I often find myself thinking, when it comes to an important decision, "what would TBF do?"

[threebyfate]

Thanks. I think I will actually follow your advice rather than putting any more effort or stress into a bad investment. I often find myself thinking, when it comes to an important decision, "what would TBF do?"

You'll do great on your thesis project, once you unload that bad investment! Some boys have bad cooties.

 

Focus baby doll, focus.

 

You can do it!

[xpaperxcutx]

Those were the terms we established, and I thought he had happily agreed to it. It was obviously a miscommunication.

 

It wasn't a miscommunication because he was aware that you didn't want anything physical, but you intentionally send him a mixed signal by " fooling around".

 

Listen to TBF, you've got too much on your plate right to even think about anything with this guy. Work on your thesis, graduate and then find a better guy who will treat you with respect.

[Untouchable_Fire]

You just dug yourself a bigger hole. You can't ' fool around' minus the sex, it makes you come across as a tease.

I don't understand why you're so adamant to be with a guy who doesn't to be with you except that you're lonely, miserable and you have anything that's given you, even if they're scraps.

So what question did you ask him?

 

Not always. As long as you provide a solid reason most decent guys would be happy to fool around minus sex.

 

Any chance that the attraction to this guy is the fact that he is so noncommittal? I mean if she could turn him around it would be an amazing ego boost!

 

I have no obligation to reveal every personal detail of my life on this forum. If I'm not comfortable elaborating on something, then you should respect that.

 

There was definitely a more polite way to say that.

 

I think the mistake I made was seeing him when I was in a total funk this week because of that retarded thread I started. My lack of confidence and anxiety inevitably seeped into my behavior. He DID seem excited about seeing me, based on the messages he sent beforehand and his demeanor when he greeted me. But I killed things by being a downer. I wasn't even looking forward to seeing him. It felt like a chore to me. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

You stated in that thread the fact that you would not let the responses get to you. What happened?

 

Thanks. I think I will actually follow your advice rather than putting any more effort or stress into a bad investment. I often find myself thinking, when it comes to an important decision, "what would TBF do?"

 

That might actually be a good start.

 

It wasn't a miscommunication because he was aware that you didn't want anything physical, but you intentionally send him a mixed signal by " fooling around".

Listen to TBF, you've got too much on your plate right to even think about anything with this guy. Work on your thesis, graduate and then find a better guy who will treat you with respect.

 

Solid advice.

 

Not thinking of men for a time might help your outlook on life.

[OceanGirl]

It's funny, I often find myself thinking what would TBF or Kamille do?

 

BTW hun, you really need to prioritize your project above everything else. Forget men for the next few months. You are not even close to running out of time for anything (except the project deadline). As for J, as great as he may be, I have seen your general confidence go way down since you started this half assed FWB arrangement. It's taking up way too much of your head space and you need your head space for other things right now.

[Kamille]

I agree with TBF. Congrats on cutting the unnecessary work-waitressing drama and please focus on eliminating unnecessary relationship drama. Put yourself first.

 

Here's what I have learned about dating while trying to establish a career. Priorities should be:

 

1) Well-being: surrounding myself with a strong, drama-free circle of friends; making time for activities that relax me and help me stay focused, ex: yoga, hiking, etc; eating right; sleeping right. Cutting out people who cause drama, whether they provoke it in you or are drama-queens or kings themselves.

 

2) Work: setting myself achievable goals; breaking down projects into easy steps; making a schedule that works for me; learning to prioritize and accept that I can't excel at everything but I can excel at a few things; learning to say no; learning to balance my well-being and work.

 

Now, a healthy relationship actually fits in category well-being. The right person for you should "fit" into your life, not just in terms of connection, but mostly in terms of fitting with your network of friends and with the hobbies that make you happy and relax you. Once you know how to take care of yourself, it will much easier for you to establish a drama free relationship. I have learned the hard way that if someone detracts from my efforts to establish myself at work or my efforts to establish healthy habits, then I am better off without that person.

 

Cutting out dead weight is hard. It means believing in yourself and believing that if you make the right decisions now as to who to include in your life, it will pay in the long term.

 

 

I was going to apologize for sending him mixed messages by not clarifying what I was looking for. And also say that I feel like the pressure of defining things sapped the fun out of our interactions, even though I still believe it was good for us to discuss. And that I would like to date him casually if we can go back to being light hearted, but I'm wondering if that's something either of us can do.

 

Stop apologizing. You often revert to apologizing when you feel you've "messed up", probably in the hopes that talking things over will help change the guy's mind. It won't. It will only make him think: "hey, she's right, she is sending mixed messages". Not to mention, apologizing is only another mixed message. Instead of apologizing, in the future, show the guy through actions that you are a lively, interesting woman. But, FYI, I don't really beleive you can go back to being casual and light hearted with J. I think this is you trying to bargain so that you can keep this drama-filled relationship alive.

 

 

It's funny, I often find myself thinking what would TBF or Kamille do?

 

 

Wish there was blushing emoticon that looked flattered and not embarrassed.

[northern_sky]

This is was the only time I went on a date with him where I wasn't "on" something before to kill my nerves -- either loosened up by alcohol or jacked up on amphetamines to the point that my heart was racing so fast the next day I thought I was going to die.

 

I had never abused substances before this summer when I started "pregaming" for dates. And it's the only time I abuse them-- I don't drink or get high unless it's for a date, but it's still obviously really bad for my body so I decided to stop.

 

I took a leap of faith that I would be OK totally sober, and it was the right choice for my body. Instead I was all clammed up and awkward, and he seemed put off by me for the first time.

 

Was it a mistake for me to go sober? It sucks how that worked out. It's like I need to be on something to seem relaxed.

[threebyfate]

northern sky, why not affect what you can control and try for now to put aside actions, people, situations that you can't control?

 

Right now, the only thing you can and should control is how well you do with your thesis project.