northern_sky Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 My date with J was a let down. It's not that anything bad happened. He just seems colder and more withdrawn every time we see each other. I remember during our second date he was actually interested in me and getting to know me better. He said how he wanted to really see my sketchbooks the next time we were at my place. I found that touching. Now he is totally closed off. I almost feel heart-broken. I even teared up a little when I got back to my place. He's exactly the type of guy I've always wanted and feel that I will never have. We are smart and reflective in exactly the same ways, we share an appreciation for the same things in the world. He understands my observations, when few other people can relate. It's hard to even admit to myself, but he is more like me in those ways than any other person I have ever met. I also sense that he has a lot of emotion bubbling beneath the surface, but I'll never have access to any of it. I wish he were just some disappointing guy that I could dismiss and replace. Because I rarely feel a connection with anybody, when I do it's that much harder to let go.
Cracker Jack Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 How is he closed-off? Could you gvie some examples? Not sure, but it sounds like you're being your own worse enemy, as usual.
Author northern_sky Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 How is he closed-off? Could you gvie some examples? Not sure, but it sounds like you're being your own worse enemy, as usual. Well, I should have included a bit of history. It might be just easier to look at my past threads, but he's told me he's not looking for a relationship right now because he just got out of his first serious one and it ended badly in August. But he also said he sees the potential for something serious with me in the future because he likes me quite a bit and finds me very attractive and has a good time with me. But right now he wants to date me non exclusively. I wasn't too happy with that but agreed to keep seeing him if we hold off on sex as long as we're not exclusive. All this discussion happened over email between our date last night and the last date we had which was a couple of weeks ago (he's been sick and away traveling). It was vaguely defined what our date last night would consist of in terms of physical. I realized he had probably taken my message as meaning I didn't want anything physical with him, which wasn't true. Everything was fine at first. We went to a party, then rented a movie and back to his place. The movie renting idea was mine. But I noticed he was sitting kind of far from me at the couch, where usually he'd put his hand on my knee or whatever. He drifted a bit closer, as we had some wine. Finally, I just took his hand. He seemed receptive, but not overly so. Then I started kissing him, and he got really into it. But then he said, "I thought you didn't want anything physical." I explained to him I only wanted to refrain from sex. He responded, "well I'm glad you still want to fool around." We ended up making out. But he was just different, even after I told him I was fine with kissing...less cuddly and tender. It was more the absence of stuff than anything. He asked me fewer questions about myself. He made less eye contact with me. When we first hooked up back in late September (at a party), he was very effusive and kept saying how much he liked me, and pointing out little nuances of my personality that he valued. I guess the main thing is he seemed EXCITED to get to know me better and be around me. Now our interactions feel joyless. Even when I loosen up and feel more confident in his presence, he barely seems to care or notice. I don't think it's anything I'm doing per se that's deadening things. He's just not open to letting go around me, even to the point of having a good time and connecting.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Once you've crossed the line and had sex with a guy, I think it's highly unlikely that returning to just making out and fooling around is going to be natural or likely. Plus, you are all crazed over this guy and he is "not ready for a relationship." What a mine field. He'd have to be nuts not to keep a safe distance.
Author northern_sky Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 Once you've crossed the line and had sex with a guy, I think it's highly unlikely that returning to just making out and fooling around is going to be natural or likely. Plus, you are all crazed over this guy and he is "not ready for a relationship." What a mine field. He'd have to be nuts not to keep a safe distance. He knows I have stronger feelings, but that's it. I've hardly acted "crazed" around him. I think I've done a pretty good job of keeping my cool in his presence. It's just when I'm alone that all the feelings pour out.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I don't know what you expect from a guy who doesn't want an exclusive relationship. He was very clear from the beginning that he wants an open relationship; and per what you stated, you decided to accept his terms. What I don't understand is why you want to analyze him to death when his behaviour corresponds with everything he's told you- he doesn't want to settle down, but if you're willing he won't say no. Also, stop being contradictory if you want him to take you seriously. You're allowing physically interaction when you said you don't want to have sex with him. Saying one thing and doing another isn't drawing boundaries.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 He knows I have stronger feelings, but that's it. I've hardly acted "crazed" around him. I think I've done a pretty good job of keeping my cool in his presence. It's just when I'm alone that all the feelings pour out. Hence, wouldn't the more obvious answer be to avoid being alone with him. You're just hurting yourself by being with someone who's mind and heart isn't there.
Author northern_sky Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 Once you've crossed the line and had sex with a guy, I think it's highly unlikely that returning to just making out and fooling around is going to be natural or likely. Plus, you are all crazed over this guy and he is "not ready for a relationship." What a mine field. He'd have to be nuts not to keep a safe distance. I also don't really get what he's getting out of this or why he wants to keep seeing me if that's the case.
Author northern_sky Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 I don't know what you expect from a guy who doesn't want an exclusive relationship. He was very clear from the beginning that he wants an open relationship; and per what you stated, you decided to accept his terms. What I don't understand is why you want to analyze him to death when his behaviour corresponds with everything he's told you- he doesn't want to settle down, but if you're willing he won't say no. Also, stop being contradictory if you want him to take you seriously. You're allowing physically interaction when you said you don't want to have sex with him. Saying one thing and doing another isn't drawing boundaries. Right, I said I didn't want sex, but not that I didn't want to kiss him. What's wrong with that?
xpaperxcutx Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I also don't really get what he's getting out of this or why he wants to keep seeing me if that's the case. But this isn't about him, it's about you. You knew fully well his intentions. And we've all told you our opinions. You're the one who decided tocontinue " seeing " him (in hopes of what? Changing his mind somehow?) We've all discouraged you with solid reasons to avoid gettiing to this point. And who's to say he isn't getting anything out of it? You kissed him, and probably with the right persuasions you would have went further.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Right, I said I didn't want sex, but not that I didn't want to kiss him. What's wrong with that? Because you're giving him mixed signals.
Jynxx Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Right, I said I didn't want sex, but not that I didn't want to kiss him. What's wrong with that? Why would you want to kiss someone you didn't want to have sex with? Kissing implies there is sexual attraction, right? So why wouldn't you want to have sex with someone you feel sexually attracted to? If I were him I would think you wanted to build the sexual tension by making out with him and wanted to lure him into a relationship (that he explicitly said he didn't want) with the promise of sex. This makes you look manipulative in his eyes and explains why he's not open towards you anymore.
Author northern_sky Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 you guys are right. This hurts a lot.
Star Gazer Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 But this isn't about him, it's about you. You knew fully well his intentions. And we've all told you our opinions. You're the one who decided tocontinue " seeing " him (in hopes of what? Changing his mind somehow?) We've all discouraged you with solid reasons to avoid gettiing to this point. And who's to say he isn't getting anything out of it? You kissed him, and probably with the right persuasions you would have went further. I bet good money she did.
Author northern_sky Posted November 6, 2010 Author Posted November 6, 2010 I bet good money she did. nice bait. ....
xpaperxcutx Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 I bet good money she did. Is it too late to give her the benefit of the doubt?
Author northern_sky Posted November 6, 2010 Author Posted November 6, 2010 I think I'm actually responsible for screwing this one up. I asked him a stupid question last night that made things really awkward. I probably also confused him because I thought I had made it clear before we met up that I still wanted to fool around minus the sex, but apparently he didn't get the message.
Author northern_sky Posted November 6, 2010 Author Posted November 6, 2010 this whole thing has gotten so awkward and screwed up, it's not even fun anymore.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 I think I'm actually responsible for screwing this one up. I asked him a stupid question last night that made things really awkward. I probably also confused him because I thought I had made it clear before we met up that I still wanted to fool around minus the sex, but apparently he didn't get the message. You just dug yourself a bigger hole. You can't ' fool around' minus the sex, it makes you come across as a tease. I don't understand why you're so adamant to be with a guy who doesn't to be with you except that you're lonely, miserable and you have anything that's given you, even if they're scraps. So what question did you ask him?
LisaLee Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 Have you considered that he met someone else?
Author northern_sky Posted November 6, 2010 Author Posted November 6, 2010 Have you considered that he met someone else? Yeah, this is something I considered. I do know, though, that he isn't having sex with anyone else and hasn't since he broke up with his ex. This is something he told me when the issue of whether we'd both been tested came up. He could very well be dating somebody else and it just hasn't gotten there yet. That might explain his pulling back.
Author northern_sky Posted November 6, 2010 Author Posted November 6, 2010 You just dug yourself a bigger hole. You can't ' fool around' minus the sex, it makes you come across as a tease. I don't understand why you're so adamant to be with a guy who doesn't to be with you except that you're lonely, miserable and you have anything that's given you, even if they're scraps. So what question did you ask him? I'm sure my loneliness plays a role, but I really think the only reason I've put up with this is because of how much I like him and how rare I consider him to be. With the guy I met online in September, I stopped contacting him when it became clear he just wanted some fwb action with me. That would be my normal response, but with J it's so much harder because of how much I value him. I feel an extremely strong intellectual connection with him plus a strong physical one. I wish I had examples in my past of others guys I've felt this for, but I don't. Ugh.
Sarah1977 Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 He's not into you. Move on and retain your dignity!
threebyfate Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 this whole thing has gotten so awkward and screwed up, it's not even fun anymore.When it gets like this, it's time to move on. Dating should be full of fun and laughter, not a form of drudgery. Be good to yourself, okay?
xpaperxcutx Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 I'm sure my loneliness plays a role, but I really think the only reason I've put up with this is because of how much I like him and how rare I consider him to be. With the guy I met online in September, I stopped contacting him when it became clear he just wanted some fwb action with me. That would be my normal response, but with J it's so much harder because of how much I value him. I feel an extremely strong intellectual connection with him plus a strong physical one. I wish I had examples in my past of others guys I've felt this for, but I don't. Ugh. And you're avoiding the question. What did you ask him to make things awkward?
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