bassplayertn Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I'm trying to not talk to my wife and implement the 180 world. Figured I would just come here and look for advice on letting go. We made an agreement and she broke it again by seeing the other man yesterday. I finally just told her to finish the dissolution papers and I would really start accepting our marriage is over. She followed it up with a Lot of justification statements and I rejected all of them. Now I really have to move on. I don't want to be cold but I do want to get on with it. A better day than yesterday...... But not there yet. I want to talk to her..... But I don't at the same time.....
The-Zen-Warrior Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 bassplayertn : First off, before we start things here, glad you made it here, we are glad to see you and just know, that your not alone! Now lets dig into this and see what we got! You spoke of some sort of agreement, I take it that this agreement was for your wife to stop seeing either this one guy or all men in general. And now by you saying that she broke the agreement, that means she went back and had romance with another man. Well I hate to point this out, but maybe your words and agreements mean nothing to your wife! You should feel blessed that you now know exactly where you stand with her. She did you a favor by flying her true colors. Now by the breaking of the agreement, this should make it all that much more easier for you to file for divorce, based on the grounds of adultery. You say to us, that you've accepted the fact that your marriage is now over, mainly due to the breaking of the agreement. This is good, for sometimes people have to already envision in their minds eye that they are already at the final destination....i.e. divorce, as to be more mentally ok with it. Oh yes, the justification statements that quickly came after the hard truth be told that things are now over! Do tell, what were these mighty statements, if you don't mind me asking? Did she try and verbally justify her adultery? Did she make statement like "it's all your fault"? You can go ahead and tell, I think most here on L.S., namely the "divorce and separation" sections of these forums, I think we've heard it all. Now you say that you really want to move on! That is good, why stick around on board the R.M.S. Titanic, we all know what happened with that! If you don't think any part of the marriage is salvageable, then by all means get the h*ll out! You tell us you don't want to be cold in regards to your present situation. Well my friend, sometimes you need to go through h*ll to get to heaven, coldness included. This will be something which you will have to try and control. The amount of coldness you apply towards the situation is up to you! Yeah, you could ramble on and say that it's also up to your wife, if she's going to be cold, so will I. Well, you don;t need to be cold here, you could just "kill em with kindness"! If being cold is something your worried about, just for yourself, for you can't control your wife, I think you can refer to something around here called the 180, I think I've seen things in there that help with dealing with a situation like yours without much coldness. And you finished things off here, by making this statement..... "I want to talk to her..... But I don't at the same time....."! Don't, what is there to talk about? Aren't you afraid that she might just go off with justification statements again? I personally feel that you know all you need to know here! You know there was adultery, regardless if was either a "emotional affair" or a "physical affair", regardless an affair is an affair! If there was a rule set in place that she stops seeing this one particular man, for what ever reason, and she took a big sh*t on that rule and did it anyway, what more do you need to know? I would just recommend that you protect yourself and read up on that 180 thing and or maybe over ride the 180 and just go strict "no contact", unless the conversations are strictly about the divorce, alimony, child support, division of property, business assets, 401K's and I.R.A.'s and retirement plans ect. ect. ect. I think before you go off and get your underwear in a bundle here, go seek out and retain the services of a attorney. Go talk to this attorney about your situation, bring this person up to speed on the actions and behaviors and justifications of your wife. Normally the first meeting, the consultations, are almost always free. This is where the attorney gets to judge and see if there is a case. If the attorney feels that you have a good case and more than likely will come out ahead, then listen to them, follow their instructions! You might want to do yourself a favor and go to your local book store and purchase a good self help divorce book! I don't know, take my information for what you will, just hope some if not all of it helped! Good luck and keep posting........
Author bassplayertn Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 They were more statements like "I've font o far and there is now way to ever trust me again" and "I promised I wouldn't see him and you promised you wouldn't check up on me, so we both failed." all statements that say it is both our faults. I reject them. I know where we are, I just hate it. Hate it. Hate it. As far as a lawyer, they said I'm better off with a dissolution because it is a "no-fault" state. There are no reprecussions for her actions as far as that goes. I'd lose big with a 50/50 split at this point. Ugh.... Zen: most times I read your posts and think two are too harsh. Today I appreciate your time. Thanks for the support over the last few days. An everyone elses
The-Zen-Warrior Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 They were more statements like "I've font o far and there is now way to ever trust me again" and "I promised I wouldn't see him and you promised you wouldn't check up on me, so we both failed." all statements that say it is both our faults. I reject them. I know where we are, I just hate it. Hate it. Hate it. As far as a lawyer, they said I'm better off with a dissolution because it is a "no-fault" state. There are no reprecussions for her actions as far as that goes. I'd lose big with a 50/50 split at this point. Ugh.... Zen: most times I read your posts and think two are too harsh. Today I appreciate your time. Thanks for the support over the last few days. An everyone elses So her statements, if I get you right, are more "blaa" "blaa" and a little bit more "blaa"! So your at fault for checking on her and she is at fault for cheating, wow what a paradox! My friend, you did nothing wrong! Her statements are more so aimed towards the notion that "misery loves company"! She knows the ship is going under, but wants to go out knowing she got her digs into you as well. I know you hate it, for you have stated this, but don't worry, hopefully here soon this roller coaster ride will be over. As far as the attorney thing, I get you, I understand, your right, better to seek out the "dissolution" of marriage, than a full blown fight, leaving you with 50% of whatever. And as far as me being sometimes to harsh, well that comes with the territory! Safe to say that my own marriage and divorce experiences kind of hardened me and some what made me a little jaded. Sometimes I have a hard time keeping calm, when I hear that "emotional affairs" and "physical affairs" or just down right cheating was involved. Cheater's, nothing pisses me off more than a cheater!
Author bassplayertn Posted November 6, 2010 Author Posted November 6, 2010 Agree. No excuse for cheating. If someone feels the temptation, you should speak up and trust the one you are with to help you get through it and refocus your energy on each other. I feel mad that I have any reason for insecurity. Like the whole "was I not good enough" or "provide enough." when I know I am and did. She just messed up. And got in a circle of continuing to mess up and ruined it. On with the show I guess.... Time to get my head right and rock the world
The-Zen-Warrior Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 Time to get my head right and rock the world Now that's the most honest statement, I think I've ever seen here on L.S., getting your head on right, so true, so true! It will happen, but not all at once, for me the whole "head on right" thing happened in stages. A small percentage happened before and during the divorce. The bulk, say like 90% of the rest happened within the past 2 years. It will come, one of these days you will more than likely look back, at your situation right now, and think....."what the h*ll was I so worried about"! Now the big question are you going to rock the world, or are you planning on rocking someones world? First rock your soon to be ex-wife's world, by the truth! Next rock your world by the freedom and liberation of self. After a long while find a nice pretty young lady out there and then rock her world! Like my favorite former W.W.E./W.W.F. Superstar used to yell.............."CAN YOU SMELLLLLLLL........WHAT THE ROCK............ IS COOKING"!
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