recuerdeme Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 So I've been with my bf for about a year and a half. We've had our ups and downs but we worked through everything. We live[d] together and everything was going great.... Well a few months ago his father died. He couldn't attend the funeral because it was in Mexico and due to his residential status here in the US he could not go to Mexico and then come back to the US. Then his mother begin to have further health complications and every day she would cry on the phone wondering when she would see her son and if she would see him before she died. My bf was feeling quilty (and his mom was over doing the guilt trip I suspect) and really wanted to see his mother... Not being able to see his father or pay his last respects when he died was hard on my bf. After we had a few discussions he decided when he would go back to Mexico and I decided to go back with him. Although my thought was to fly his mother here to the US but he thought she was too ill for that... So to wrap it up, we went ot Mexico, I met his family (great people), his mother who to me looked like she could fly around the globe (as she is always in the street going somewhere) was quite the character, had an accident in my Land Rover (we made it a road trip) and in returning to "America" had a tearful good bye with my bf. We are going to stay together but I don't believe in LDR for a LONG time, and have had an LDR that left me really frazzled so I'm not sure if I'm setting myself up for heart ache again. But I love him and he loves me so I think it's worth a shot. ...... A few weeks in and we've had a fair bit of drama. He's changing into someone I barely know. Always yelling, always upset, giving me ultimatums left and right of how I should talk to him or ask him questions or he'll yell more and hang up o me. I'm like wtf? BTW he's 44, I'm 28!! No one should act like this let alone someone of his age. A few days ago he was unreachable by phone (our only mode of contact) and the next morning he started the day off by lying saying he was at his sister's when (I called the sister she had no idea where he was, the mother had no idea either) he then said he was out drinking until 2-3 am with a nephew of a friend that he barely knows QUESTIONABLE. Telling him his lying and always going out to parties and getting drunk made me feel bad, especially when it appears he has little time for me... this set him off on his rampages and he hung up on me. I want to be smart about all this and I want to be honest with my feelings and I think the two are in conflict. What say you all of this situation? Help and hi, I just found this forum
Omei Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 A few weeks in and we've had a fair bit of drama. He's changing into someone I barely know. Always yelling, always upset, giving me ultimatums left and right of how I should talk to him or ask him questions or he'll yell more and hang up o me. I'm like wtf? BTW he's 44, I'm 28!! No one should act like this let alone someone of his age. A few days ago he was unreachable by phone (our only mode of contact) and the next morning he started the day off by lying saying he was at his sister's when (I called the sister she had no idea where he was, the mother had no idea either) he then said he was out drinking until 2-3 am with a nephew of a friend that he barely knows QUESTIONABLE. Telling him his lying and always going out to parties and getting drunk made me feel bad, especially when it appears he has little time for me... this set him off on his rampages and he hung up on me. I want to be smart about all this and I want to be honest with my feelings and I think the two are in conflict. What say you all of this situation? Help and hi, I just found this forum The only thing I can think of is the stress, his fathers death and the now dealing with his family currently, if hes drinking a lot it could be because of his sadness and he's taking his anger out on you, he could be pained by the distance as well and its all building up in this drama you're having. The sudden partying is questionable, keep an eye on it, but it could be a phase of take the pains away? I am not sure. All you guys have of connection is phone? Does he have a computer at his end? You guys should download skype or MSN for voice and webcam maybe seeing each other will help, maybe your communication will get better.
aerogurl87 Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 Sounds like he's stressed by his family, his mom's health, leaving you, and his father's death. That's all understandable. But a 44 year old man going out and partying all the time is not. He's a grown man, and he needs to act his age. If he's having issues coping he needs to find a therapist, not the bottom of a few bottles of alcohol.
folieadeux Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 Sounds like he's stressed by his family, his mom's health, leaving you, and his father's death. That's all understandable. But a 44 year old man going out and partying all the time is not. He's a grown man, and he needs to act his age. If he's having issues coping he needs to find a therapist, not the bottom of a few bottles of alcohol. Couldn't agree more. OP, is he planning on returning anytime in the near future? Having some sort of a timeline set will definitely help I think too.
Author recuerdeme Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 (edited) Thanks for the responses and I agree with you all. I can tell he is under a lot of stress. After 8 years of being away from his family he's now back in the middle of all the family drama and his mother is demanding but still alcohol is not the answer and that's what I told him. And going out all the time... isn't the guy I know. So do I not know him or is he changing? I can understand reconnecting with friends and family but every weekend? And during the week? Whenever I try to tell him I feel that he is different he doesn't address it and he gets angry. But things have settled down. We are back to talking sweet nothings over the phone. He unfortunately cannot get internet since he moved back to Mexico with no job prospects and I'm helping him out financially. Our long term decision is not exactly set. Legally it's going to be hell for him to get back to the US, so I've been trying to figure out the best way to get my boss to let me work remotely "at home" Or find something in Mexico... I want this distance to be ZeRo by Jan. 2011. I don't like it at all. We're seeing each other this weekend so I plan to talk about the end game and etc Edited November 8, 2010 by recuerdeme
folieadeux Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Thanks for the responses and I agree with you all. I can tell he is under a lot of stress. After 8 years of being away from his family he's now back in the middle of all the family drama and his mother is demanding but still alcohol is not the answer and that's what I told him. And going out all the time... isn't the guy I know. So do I not know him or is he changing? I can understand reconnecting with friends and family but every weekend? And during the week? Whenever I try to tell him I feel that he is different he doesn't address it and he gets angry. But things have settled down. We are back to talking sweet nothings over the phone. He unfortunately cannot get internet since he moved back to Mexico with no job prospects and I'm helping him out financially. Our long term decision is not exactly set. Legally it's going to be hell for him to get back to the US, so I've been trying to figure out the best way to get my boss to let me work remotely "at home" Or find something in Mexico... I want this distance to be ZeRo by Jan. 2011. I don't like it at all. We're seeing each other this weekend so I plan to talk about the end game and etc Having some sort of end in sight that you're both willing to work for is definitely a good thing. My only guess about him going out more is that maybe he's just in a better position time wise to do so (not working, etc.). I just hope you're not footing the bill for these luxuries too.
Author recuerdeme Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 (edited) Having some sort of end in sight that you're both willing to work for is definitely a good thing. My only guess about him going out more is that maybe he's just in a better position time wise to do so (not working, etc.). I just hope you're not footing the bill for these luxuries too. I hope the same thing. I mean it's one thing to mingle but quite another to drink til 3 in the morning with a bunch of vagrants. Even still one of our common things is that we are home-bodies. And I can't see why he isn't getting a job. It really bothers me. One minute he tells me he is going to one particular party to rub elbows with people that could get him a good job, and the next minute he tell me he isn't looking for work. And I ask him what he would like to do and he gets defensive and angry saying "don't ask me that... i'm """"busy"""" taking care of my mother for now"... I just don't see it. I even looked online for things up his alley and he rejected all positions. But... I feel good right now about everything but when I set down and think about everything, I mean really think about it some things just are not adding up. Head vs. Heart Edited November 8, 2010 by recuerdeme
durkadurka Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 I hate to be the bearer of bad news, my ex returned home due to circumstances, her parents were going broke. Like your boyfriend, she started partying. I went down to visit. 3 weeks later she found someone else. Out of sight, out of mind.
Author recuerdeme Posted November 8, 2010 Author Posted November 8, 2010 Like your boyfriend, she started partying. I went down to visit. 3 weeks later she found someone else. Out of sight, out of mind. That's a tad bit pessimistic. But I can't say that it isn't a fear that I have.
durkadurka Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 That's a tad bit pessimistic. But I can't say that it isn't a fear that I have. The problem is that they have no idea when or if they are coming back, which is the single biggest factor that causes them to wander.
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