Ludmila Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Hi everyone, I wasn't sure where to put this...I saw there was a section for 'Other women' but this doesn't feel quite right anywhere, somehow. I fell in love with a married man ten years ago. We were together for four years during which time I had a child...his wife was told, and they tried to make it work but couldn't. I am not proud of having been part of that and have worked very hard in the years since it happened, to make myself a better person morally. It's falling apart right now. He left when our child was a baby, and then he married again, I think out of terror of being alone but he couldn't be with me, because of what had happened. His new wife was not very gentle or kind but she was quite fierce and I think he felt protected. We didn't see him for years. Then the other week we met by chance. We got talking, the years fell away and it was good. He has been to my house since then, we just talked - and then one night he turned up drunk at midnight, asking to stay. My default/stupid mode is that I'll never turn him away, and I was so shocked I let him in and we spent the night talking, and then we made love. We were both very nervous. But it just happened, it was so automatic - it was easy. He called me again this week, came to talk again, we discussed what happened and whether it was wrong. His wife wants him to see his child, but I feel too uncomfortable about being around her so I said he should come here to see him. I know what we did was wrong. I would feel more comfortable having meetings with him without the sex, obviously, but I know that still counts as an emotional affair. The thing is - I do still love him, we have intense feelings for each other, and we have a child together. They have no shared children - hers are all far older. I hate sneaking around, but I have a feeling he will never be happy in a committed relationship without cheating. I think he is a big commitment phobic, having read up about it. He is passive aggressive and drives people mad. The only way I will ever have him is either as a cheated on wife, or a mistress while he is otherwise committed. I don't know what to do. We met up today and had a talk and at the end he gave me the sweetest kiss. He has a whole lot of issues but I don't even care if I share him. It's how he is and I have a life of my own, and am happy. But it is so wrong for her. And so sad I would appreciate guidance if anyone has some time. He is probably just using me, and probably was the first time - but the time we share is so wonderful, it makes me not care so much about that. Thankyou so much for reading.
bernardverh Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 (edited) Guidance is difficult in this situation. Maybe it helps if you can answer the next question just for yourself: - Could you live with him while knowing that he also possibly cheats on you? I don't know if this is even an option at all when thinking about your earlier breakup or whether he would want to be with you. - Can you live with the current situation and be part of the cheating? Probably not else you wouldn't post your story. It won't be easy for you if you stay in the current situation. The feelings for him won't disappear easily, you will be confronted each time you meet. I have no idea whether this is realistic, but a new man in your life, someone you really love and who loves you as much, would be a solution in my opinion. Edit: About your question whether it's wrong: he's wrong and should make up his mind. But in this situation it seems he won't do that and won't change from one moment to another. Edited November 5, 2010 by bernardverh
Author Ludmila Posted November 6, 2010 Author Posted November 6, 2010 Thank you so much for replying, what you say makes a lot of sense. No, I'm not sure I can live like this. When he isn't here, I don't fall apart like I used to in the old days, as I know he will come back. But being around him makes me feel very guilty, despite knowing his wife began seeing him while we were still together and had a young baby, it doesn't make me feel Ok about it. You're right, he won't change. I don't think so, anyway. He has an alcohol problem which exascerbates things, so his intentions may be good but it all goes a bit wrong. I don't think I could stand him going and cheating on me, if we were properly together - in a sense I feel 'safer' being the secret, being the one he runs off to, but it is also a horrible feeling that we are hurting her behind her back. Their marriage is not happy, and I think he is considering his options but I just don't believe he would be happy tied to one person however lovely they were, however right for him. I think going to boarding school from an early age has messed up his attachment. He has, like, home and school at the same time iyswim. I have never felt love for another person like I feel for him, and I have tried so very hard to get over him and move forwards with someone 'better' as everyone told me to, but in the end, there are others I 'could be with' but he is the one I 'can't be without', if that makes sense. I feel compelled to be around him. Thanks again for your help. It is nice just to be listened to kindly and not judged too harshly.
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