dreamingoftigers Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 I have been getting text messages from him which are really making my feelings conflicted. We have talked a few times a week and I have seem him twice in the past month. This is the stuff he is sending: 10/31: I've always loved you and I am just sad that I was never the man that you needed me to be. I will always love you and will never stop. I am sorry. Love Forever. 11/1: I miss my best friend 11/1: Just so you know, I am just coming out of a month long manic state caused by my anxiety disorder. It is such a hard thing because I can feel it coming and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Feels very dark and lonely and unfortunately for family and friends it is extremely difficult and alienating behavior. I hope you see a cure in my future because it is so painful. It makes me push away the good in my life. I would never wish this on anyone. Sometime makes me not want to have kinds for fear that they will have to deal with this. 11/11: (Sent this to me when I told him that I would going out of town with a girlfriend instead of getting together with him) I've been in this position before and its clear that I am no longer a priority. I am not mad about you going to Arizona. I've just been thinking about what you said that other night about us not being a match. I think that has been dictating the decisions you have been making for a while even before our break (your break up) and hurting me. I am sorry for trying to stay close its just that you meant so much to me that I didn't want to let you go. But I feel your message and its saying that we are not going to recover from this. Although it pains me to say how badly my hear hurts at this moment I know there is a wonderful life waiting for you. You are free now and I will miss you dearly. Love always. 11/16: My life is all f*cked up. All the things I thought I wanted I am not so sure about. The one thing I had is gone. Trying to let you go but it is proving to be difficult. I wanted you to be my wife and have my kids and now you're gone. Makes me sick to my stomach and the worst thing is I don't even know how to talk to you any more. Everyone and everything else seem to be a priority for you now and it just makes me angry further pulling us apart. I know I said I wouldn't reach out but you needed to know that. My heart is truly broken and I will be a long time before I am capable of giving myself to anyone again...if ever. We talked and I saw him yesterday but now I just feel confused and scared of what will happen next. I do love him I just can't do this!!!!! I can't remember, does he know what you found?
Author seaberry Posted November 19, 2010 Author Posted November 19, 2010 No I never told him about what I found. I think for me the reason for wanting to leave the relationship is more the five years of up and down with these things, not so much the internet chatting. That is just one thing in a long line of issues.
Author seaberry Posted November 19, 2010 Author Posted November 19, 2010 Yesterday I told him I though we should cease contact and here is what I got from him after our conversation: 11/18: What seemed like me acting out and neglecting to bring you around was protection of self. All of my life I have felt the immense weight of getting it right the first time because I didn't want to be divorced and raise a family in the wrong environment. I wanted no child of mine to experience life as I did. It is actually what sent me into a tailspin last month and many times before. I have come to realize that worrying about it was doing more harm than good. My mom and I talked about that this morning. I want you to know that it was never about you, it was about me and these feelings. When I would try explain, you wouldn't hear me. I think it is a mistake that you gave up. Not because I am great or that you won't find someone, but because we had something real. I know married couples with less love than us. Part of marriage is sticking together no matter what...I guess we fell short there. All food for though now. Be well in life, mine won't be the same without you.
Author seaberry Posted November 19, 2010 Author Posted November 19, 2010 And then another one: 11/18: We both know that this is your home (meaning his house). I wasn't kidding when I told you I prayed for an angel several years back, and the Lord sent me you. It was a story I planned to tell at our weddings. I have to live with the fact that I broke the wings off His gift. It is sad that you are choosing to live with the same pain. It is a lonely place filled with regret and sorrow. Trust me I know. Your family and friends don't want to see you get hurt, but they have never taken the time to know my heart and I would argue they only know a small part of yours.Things were going well this year, and I do admit it scared me. I tried to control it, but I have learned that true love is scary and sometimes a bit our of control. I can rest now since we won't be seeing each other anymore.
Author seaberry Posted November 19, 2010 Author Posted November 19, 2010 Now this morning: 11/19: I've been trying to look at things from your perspective over the past few weeks, and I understand that you have very little reason to believe in us. But I feel like I have had an epiphany. If you would like to try this the right way, just please do so before either of us does something stupid that we can't repair from. I know your heart and I know now that I am capable of providing the stability you need. I can take losing you and not talking anymore, but I can't take just giving up out of fear. We have the opportunity to learn from our mistakes and make things better. This could be "big love" don't just give up. You went from wanting to hear what I had to say about our relationship, to making love, to deciding not to be with me. That tells me you are confused. I am not sure what you talked about with your friends at dinner, but be careful of the influence of others, especially those with their own problems. We have gotten into bad cycles, but desire and the power of love can heal all. Take a breath and get your desire back, its worth saving. Just take some time and think about what I am saying.
BellaBellaBella Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 You know Seaberry, maybe you should give him the final reason. Tired of up's and downs and what you found.
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