seaberry Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 For about two weeks my boyfriend has been staying up late on the computer after I go to bed. He was also keeping his cell phone very close by. We have been dating for five years and just moved in together. When I asked him about the strange late night behavior, he said that he was having trouble sleeping and was just listening to music. Something seemed very off to me so I snooped. On the computer I found he had downloaded Skype. I also found a few pictures of a woman in lingerie. I also looked at his cell phone bill and saw 100's of text messages between midnight-3am to Slovakia. I am guessing he is on some kind of international chat??? Along with this, he has stayed out all night at bars multiple times in the past few weeks, sometimes not coming come until 5am. He used to do this a lot earlier in our relationship, and I just can't take it again. I didn't tell him all of the reasons, but I just told him that I don't feel good about moving forward with him, and I moved out. I still love him, I just don't know what to do. There is a long pattern of these kinds of things with him. I know that he struggles with anxiety and sometimes it causes insomnia/acting out, it just subjects me to a lot of hurt. HELP!
chocha_mocha Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 There is a long pattern of these kinds of things with him. I know that he struggles with anxiety and sometimes it causes insomnia/acting out, it just subjects me to a lot of hurt. HELP! Its interesting you say there is a pattern - if this is something that has happened before, how did you deal with it? What was his perspective? What's yours?
Kendrick Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I think its good you moved out. He is not ready to be in a relationship with just one person. I understand you love him, and hopefully with time you can fully move on.
Author seaberry Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 We have not had this *exact* issues with the online stuff, but other similar kinds of things such as: -going out on weekends to bars and staying out super late -lying about where he is/who he is with -flirting with girl "friends" (so other people call me and are concerned) -excluding me from activities with his friends when other guys are bringing dates (the other girls ask me where I was) -refusing to attend certain activities with me (i.e. weddings) Most of this has gotten *better* in the past year, but now it is cropping up again. He alternates between defending his behavior and apologizing or blaming on anxiety issues (which he is taking medication for). The online stuff is new. In most ways he is very loving and sweet to me, fun to be around. He tells me that he sees me as his life-long partner. We have a great connection in many ways. I just don't know that I can marry him with these other things.
Kendrick Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I would take all of these of things as redflags as to what kind of person he is. Sure people can change, however they have to really want to. I bet he could be a very convincing person for you too huh? I highly doubt his behavior will stop once you get married. You deserve better, no matter how sweet and loving he may appear to be.
Author seaberry Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 Yes, he has been pretty convincing in trying to get me to stay. For the past year or so (since he started getting treatment for the anxiety) I thought things had changed, and then this. I still have not told him that I snooped and saw all of the messages on his cell bill. He swears up and down that he is 100% faithful - I guess in his book online activies and weird flirting don't count as cheating!
Author seaberry Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 I really miss him though - I am a wreck!
cozenedindigo Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 (edited) Oh, seaberry, don't go down that road again if you don't have the same values, it's not going to help you to morph yourself and constantly bend yourself to fit his will...you took a good, sane decision for yourself and must stick to it no matter what. he is untrustworthy, and trust is as necessary a love for a good, healthy relationship? There is a gorgeous man out there who is just waiting for you to get over Mr. Stinky Can't-Commit-but-Won't-let-go. That gorgeous man will love you enough to give you all of himself -- his body, his soul, his commitment. This guy may say he loves you, may care for you, may be sweet but that stuff matters so little in the face of what you truly want, and even you know that! Don't let the humiliation blind you, you are better than that. Stick to NC this time and get this horrible baggage out of your life. It'll all feel cleaner and much less murky once you clear your head and have some stern conversations with yourself over a period of time. Bottomline, at the end of the day you need a guy you can share trust, love, care, respect, values and boundaries with. These are all important and Stinky won't-commit-won't-set-you-free is just going to drag you down. Come on, why waste so much more time on him? Hurry up and cut your losses. Accept and take yourself completely out of his life. We'll see how many Slovakian/whatever women aid him then. You are a gem. He's the idiot. Free yourself! All my good vibes in your general direction Edited November 5, 2010 by cozenedindigo
chocha_mocha Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Sounds like your boyfriends may be using the internet to escape from things in his life. Maybe the talking to girls, flirting etc is his way of boosting his ego. I think the internet blurs people boundaries and people may not see there behaviour as any form of infidelity because they aren't physically with a person. I'm not saying he's cheating, but texting/talking to women at 3 in the morning and downloading pics of them in their underwear would be in my book crossing the line. I guess you have to decide where yours is, everyone is different. My ex has problems with social anxiety and seemed to live another life on the internet. He would mainly get close to other women, especially on the net and seemed to have women falling over themselves to get a piece of him. This was because he was a flirt plus would share intimate details of his life with strangers, so they get the wrong idea. He had problems with assertiveness so wouldn't tell them to do one when they crossed the line. Our relationship ended because I wasn't comfortable being with someone who couldn't establish appropriate boundaries with women. I know what you mean about sharing good times and loving him. Its hard to sometimes face up to the not so good stuff when the good stuff is great. But the reality is its still there and if its making you feel bad, then are the good times worth the bad? Sometimes they are but it depends on the price. Your own self worth, health and well-being aren't worth it hun. That said, I'm really missing my boyfriend too. Whether he has anxiety issues or not, why is he not telling you about nights out, where he is and stuff? Not inviting you to weddings? I'm not entirely sure what reasons he is giving you, but it sounds like he could be using his problems with anxiety as a bit of a guilt trip so you will be more accepting of certain behaviours. His behaviour seems very self centred, which can happen with anxiety disorders. But that doesn't mean he had no responsibility to act appropriately in his relationship with you.
Author seaberry Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 Thank you cozenedindigo for the positive, encouraging words. I do think in life picking someone else will be a better choice for me. I can't help asking *WHY* he does these things. And I am still completely in love with him, so it is really hard (especially after five years) to walk away.I am really trying to do what you are talking about (create distance) but I am struggling to not go back. And you are right, I have tried to adjust my personal beliefs to be more flexible to his behavior when I know it feels bad to me.
Author seaberry Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 Thanks for your comments chocha_mocha. Yes, I do think some of these things are fantasy/escape. Although he is attractive, successful and well-liked I do think deep down he struggles with self worth feelings. I think most of his friends and other people that know him would be surprised because he appears very confidant and well adjusted. Then I ask myself, if I really love him should I stick by him and help him through these things?? Or am I just being a crutch for him?
dreamingoftigers Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Thank you cozenedindigo for the positive, encouraging words. I do think in life picking someone else will be a better choice for me. I can't help asking *WHY* he does these things. And I am still completely in love with him, so it is really hard (especially after five years) to walk away.I am really trying to do what you are talking about (create distance) but I am struggling to not go back. And you are right, I have tried to adjust my personal beliefs to be more flexible to his behavior when I know it feels bad to me. The reason why is because he is selfish, if you haven't married him and don't have a child with him, use your common sense and look for a more considerate mate. You "being there" for him to work on his selfishness is incredibly counter-intuitive. The way selfish people learn not to be so selfish is by not being able to have anyone around because of it.
Nemicron Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 If they start pulling that kind of crap. Honestly I think I agree with you. something is up and you may still love him. But still atleast you moved out. It could cause a serious problem and who knows what he's doing. I dont think I'd trust him either. And break up and find someone that actually knows what being loyal and respectful really means For about two weeks my boyfriend has been staying up late on the computer after I go to bed. He was also keeping his cell phone very close by. We have been dating for five years and just moved in together. When I asked him about the strange late night behavior, he said that he was having trouble sleeping and was just listening to music. Something seemed very off to me so I snooped. On the computer I found he had downloaded Skype. I also found a few pictures of a woman in lingerie. I also looked at his cell phone bill and saw 100's of text messages between midnight-3am to Slovakia. I am guessing he is on some kind of international chat??? Along with this, he has stayed out all night at bars multiple times in the past few weeks, sometimes not coming come until 5am. He used to do this a lot earlier in our relationship, and I just can't take it again. I didn't tell him all of the reasons, but I just told him that I don't feel good about moving forward with him, and I moved out. I still love him, I just don't know what to do. There is a long pattern of these kinds of things with him. I know that he struggles with anxiety and sometimes it causes insomnia/acting out, it just subjects me to a lot of hurt. HELP!
chocha_mocha Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Then I ask myself, if I really love him should I stick by him and help him through these things?? Or am I just being a crutch for him? I think dreamingoftigers had it spot on - selfish people learn not to be selfish by not having anyone around. If you stick around, what are you helping him to do? Most likely reinforcing the fact his behaviour keeps you around. Providing support is one thing, but you are not responsible for his difficulties.
Author seaberry Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 Yes, I do think some of this behavior is selfish. The funny thing is that in some ways he is very generous....goes out of his way to take me fun places, includes me with his family, brings home things I like for dinner, very affectionate. And then other times he just does what he wants to do, and if I don't like it, then it is MY problem.
dreamingoftigers Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Of course no one is 100% jerk. But if he is 45% selfish jerk, then we have a problem.
Author seaberry Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 (edited) I don't want to give up, but I feel like there is no way to get him to understand how these things hurt me without making him feel criticized and attacked or like I am spying on him. I am so unbelievably sad, and having a hard time not seeing him and telling him that I love him, even though I know that I cannot live with how things are. He just thinks that I don't really love/understand him and never did because I am leaving. I guess I really don't understand. We are not on the same page as far as how we see these things. :( Edited November 6, 2010 by seaberry
chocha_mocha Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 Do you think talking to him about the stuff you found might help in terms of closure or would that be too difficult? It might help you to get that stuff off your chest. Maybe you could tell him you love him and explain why you left. If you do though, be prepared for the "we can make this work" feelings.
wicar1 Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 For about two weeks my boyfriend has been staying up late on the computer after I go to bed. He was also keeping his cell phone very close by. We have been dating for five years and just moved in together. When I asked him about the strange late night behavior, he said that he was having trouble sleeping and was just listening to music. Something seemed very off to me so I snooped. On the computer I found he had downloaded Skype. I also found a few pictures of a woman in lingerie. I also looked at his cell phone bill and saw 100's of text messages between midnight-3am to Slovakia. I am guessing he is on some kind of international chat??? Along with this, he has stayed out all night at bars multiple times in the past few weeks, sometimes not coming come until 5am. He used to do this a lot earlier in our relationship, and I just can't take it again. I didn't tell him all of the reasons, but I just told him that I don't feel good about moving forward with him, and I moved out. I still love him, I just don't know what to do. There is a long pattern of these kinds of things with him. I know that he struggles with anxiety and sometimes it causes insomnia/acting out, it just subjects me to a lot of hurt. HELP! It seems he's having an affair. You better dump him soon.
Woman In Blue Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 I don't want to give up, but I feel like there is no way to get him to understand how these things hurt me without making him feel criticized and attacked or like I am spying on him. Come on, Seaberry...do you really have to find a way to accurately convey that his completely inappropriate behavior is "hurtful?" He knows EXACTLY what he's doing and he knows EXACTLY how hurtful it is to you. Do people really need to be TOLD how hurtful bad behavior is before they get that it's bad? He already knows it's bad - thus the sneaky behavior. Stop trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. You're bargaining now, and that's just one of the stages of grief. Wait til the anger stage hits. It's amazing the power you'll get back.
cozenedindigo Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 There you go, seaberry. He's changing who you are. 5 years might seem a long time, but it's not your whole life. Your whole life defines your value systems, and to share that with someone who is your partner is much better and healthier than accepting his standards just to make it work. Of course you have all these feelings for him, but you've got to cut contact and see things more clearly, and I promise you it gets better than this. Oh, waaaaay better. You have to work towards being with someone who is true to you. You deserve all that and so much more.
Author seaberry Posted November 10, 2010 Author Posted November 10, 2010 Thanks guys for all of the good feedback and comments. I have started to realize that thinking about his behavior and trying to prevent/understand/control it was taking up an unhealthy amount of my time and energy and making me feel very down. Taking some space has helped me realize this. For a while there he was giving me space and is now pressing to see me. I do really miss him and still love him. Of course he blames it all on the anxiety and continues to apologize...
Author seaberry Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 So it has now been a number of weeks since I left. On Friday he agreed that if we were not getting back together that he would stop contacting me. I went out of town over the weekend with girlfriends so that I could stay strong and stick to the break-up. I miss him terribly and I keep wondering if I did the right thing???
xpaperxcutx Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 I bet if there were a polygamy camp nearby, he'd be the first to join up. You were the stay-at-home girlfriend, while he's the wandering boyfriend who cheats and lies to get his rocks off. Please dump him.
Author seaberry Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 I have been getting text messages from him which are really making my feelings conflicted. We have talked a few times a week and I have seem him twice in the past month. This is the stuff he is sending: 10/31: I've always loved you and I am just sad that I was never the man that you needed me to be. I will always love you and will never stop. I am sorry. Love Forever. 11/1: I miss my best friend 11/1: Just so you know, I am just coming out of a month long manic state caused by my anxiety disorder. It is such a hard thing because I can feel it coming and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Feels very dark and lonely and unfortunately for family and friends it is extremely difficult and alienating behavior. I hope you see a cure in my future because it is so painful. It makes me push away the good in my life. I would never wish this on anyone. Sometime makes me not want to have kinds for fear that they will have to deal with this. 11/11: (Sent this to me when I told him that I would going out of town with a girlfriend instead of getting together with him) I've been in this position before and its clear that I am no longer a priority. I am not mad about you going to Arizona. I've just been thinking about what you said that other night about us not being a match. I think that has been dictating the decisions you have been making for a while even before our break (your break up) and hurting me. I am sorry for trying to stay close its just that you meant so much to me that I didn't want to let you go. But I feel your message and its saying that we are not going to recover from this. Although it pains me to say how badly my hear hurts at this moment I know there is a wonderful life waiting for you. You are free now and I will miss you dearly. Love always. 11/16: My life is all f*cked up. All the things I thought I wanted I am not so sure about. The one thing I had is gone. Trying to let you go but it is proving to be difficult. I wanted you to be my wife and have my kids and now you're gone. Makes me sick to my stomach and the worst thing is I don't even know how to talk to you any more. Everyone and everything else seem to be a priority for you now and it just makes me angry further pulling us apart. I know I said I wouldn't reach out but you needed to know that. My heart is truly broken and I will be a long time before I am capable of giving myself to anyone again...if ever. We talked and I saw him yesterday but now I just feel confused and scared of what will happen next. I do love him I just can't do this!!!!!
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