No-physical-contact is HARD during our break bc I still live with my boyfriend =/

[believer_in_love]

After reading this post, please refer to my first post : “Live with my boyfriend and still want to work it out, but he seems to given up.” if you want a better idea of what I’m feeling.

 

My boyfriend of 1 year and 10 months and I are finally on a break. After, I had threatened a breaking up and leaving him multiple times, he has finally seriously considered it. But I only did it as a test to see how far I could push him away from him and see if he would still stay. We are also on a break because he is tired of me blowing up on his, cussing him out, being verbally abusive to him whenever he comes short of my expectations. I just get “crazy” on him because I don’t trust him fully, because of his lying past. Anyway, finally, we decided to be on break, also, because for me. I’ve mentioned to him many times (perhaps another test) that I had never had the experience like he did with other people. He is my first boyfriend and first sexual experience, but he had other long-term girlfriends as well as 2 other past sexual experiences (which he lied to me –twice-- previously.) Anyway, he feels maybe its also good to be taking this break away from each other so he can get a break from me and also so I can maybe date to see what else is out there so I can realize if he is the real one for me. He’s mentioned he is being “protective” now because he doesn’t want to be hurt, so this is why he is initiating the break, and how he wasn’t sure if I am confident that he is the actual one, and wants me to be sure. But I told him, if he really loved me, he wouldn’t be suggesting me seeing other people, and having the potential that I can actually find someone better and leaving him for good. He replied saying he only wanted the best for me, and if I indeed find someone else and better, he would be happy just to see me happy. I felt it was a big cop-out. But, if someone realy loves something, it’s much harder than that to let that thing go, I’d think. However, there is also that saying “Let go the one you love, and if they come back, they are for keeps.” (something like that.)

 

Anyway, so because we are on this break, and still live together (for working reasons, I won’t be able to move out until next year of May-June), I feel this break is still extremely hard. Yes, sometimes I have distractions such as my friends to talk to, and even new guys in the picture who I believe would like to date me, but when I’m alone at the house when my bf is at work, like I am right now, I get so sad and depressed and just feel this break is nonsense. I told him many times I will never be verbally abusive anymore but he feels this break is still much needed for both of us to learn and figure out what we both really want. He also wants to advance in his new job, but that won’t be until next year anyway, but he claims that this relationship has been stressing him, so he needs to know have these issues from me.

 

Anyway, I agree to give him his space finally. But during the first few days, I kinda denied the break and felt we are still actually together, so I didn’t care that I was still sleeping together on the same bed as him, and because we are very phsycialy attracted to each other, we both do not have the will power to control our sexual urges with each other (even though we are on break.) So we had sex mutipe times during this break. And we also hugged and kissed sometimes. But recently, my friend knocked some sense into me saying he wont be able to miss me on this break if I keep on giving benefits as if I were still his girlfriend. So I started sleeping on the couch for two nights already. The first night I slept on the couch, during the morning after, he came to the couch and gave me I-missed-you-kinda-hug and he said when he realized I wasn't on the bed sleeping with him, he couldn’t sleep. So that made me feel as if he is realizing what he will be missing. And we hung out during his day off at a mall, and I was actually acting pretty confident, not sad or droopy that we are on break, but I was even kinda cheerful because I knew he was missing me, and it was probably killing him to see me like this, having seen me cry to tears the night before with me telling him all my confessions to him that he is the one, and I didn’t want to see anyone, and me wanting to make it work. He even wanted a hug during the time we hung out, but I didn’t give it to him, cause I wanted to make him realize for sure that this is what will be missing if he still wants this break to continue.

 

After the mall, we went to dinner (at which he looked at me multiple times starring at me with droopy-eyed and sad face to see if I cared, but to which I pretended I didn’t care.) Then after dinner, when we got home, he closed the room door and said “Let me ask you something.” And I was like “Ok, go ask me something.” And he’s like “How is it that the night before , you were crying outrageousing, tears everywhere, making me believe you really want this to work, and today, it’s as if you don’t feel the same way.” And I was thinking so he actually cares?? And I asked him “Why does it matter, we’re just friends.” And he’s like “Well I just wanna know how you do it? I just don’t get.” And I didn’t really give him an answer. But I know deep down, its probably annoying to him a bit that I kinda have a switch to basically turn on and off my feelings for him.

 

So anyway, for the second night in a room, I take my blankets to the couch and he tells me “you don’t have to sleep outside. You can sleep here.” And I said” no I can’t,” and he was like “ummm.. OK??” (in an upset tone that I am able to and actually resisting him.) As tempting as it was to sleep with him and on a more comfortable bed, I just couldn’t give in to my sexual/comfort urges. (I know if I sleep on the bed with him, we will have sex.) My friend told me I need to sleep on the couch and not do anything “couple-like” until we both figure out what we want.

 

So this morning, when he awoke for work, he came to the couch outside and told me he would be leaving for work. And I just said “OK”, seemingly not to care, or want a hug. But deep inside, I wanted to see if he would do what he did the day before, which was to come outside and give me a I-missed-you-hug. He didn’t, but probably because I had refused his hug offer when we hung out the day before. So maybe now his guard is up too.

 

Anyway, I am thinking what all your feedback on this break is, and how we are acting? Do you think he still wants us to be together, but he really just wants a break to clear his mind. Why do you think he wants me to still sleep on the bed when he knows we will most likely have sex, and while we are on a break. Why does he want hugs from me, and why did he care some much that I was able to cry one night pouring all my feelings out for him, and then the next day, I am acting happy and cheerful as a friend and not be sad. And what do you think about him letting me go “have my fun with other guys” because he’s felt that he took me from the world and I never got to experience what else is out there. (And,I think he feels pretty confident I wont find someone out there like him, so perhaps he wants me to date so I can see that he was right.) Do you think it is cause he is so confident that I won’t find someone else like him that he’s letting me date other people on this break. Or maybe he is testing me to see if I really would date other people, because supposedly if I really love him, then I shouldn’t and don’t really need to date other people (even though I’ve complained about wanting more experience.) Or do you think, he really wants to let me go, and by suggesting me see other people, it is easier for me to let him go as well, and thus, move out of his house eventually.

 

Any feedback would be good, and should I still continue this no-contact thing, as in no physical contact. The thing is, I will be touring around the nation for work. More specifically I will be leaving in less than a week for 4 days, then I will be back for 2 days at home, but then shortly after that, I will leave for until Dec 26th (sadly, we still have yet to celebrate Christmas together for our 3rd year in a row.) So I don’t know if I should start giving into my feelings and just hang out with him as a girlfriend, even just giving him benefits as I would like those benefits too so that when I live, I feel I had spent some good times with him. Or should I continue this no-phsyical contact to stand my ground that if we are on break, then we cannot hug, kiss, have sex, etc. (Although I really miss sex with him and we usually have sex multiple times a week, so it’s hard for me too.) What should I do? And if I stay on this no-physical-contact rule up until the night I live, can I then just give in for one night and have sex with him for just one last time before I go on my tour? (As you can see, sex is very important in this relationship.) There’s a lot of questions I’m asking and any responses are welcome. Just let me know what you all think please. Thank you!

[dreamingoftigers]

After reading this post, please refer to my first post : “Live with my boyfriend and still want to work it out, but he seems to given up.” if you want a better idea of what I’m feeling.

 

My boyfriend of 1 year and 10 months and I are finally on a break. After, I had threatened a breaking up and leaving him multiple times, he has finally seriously considered it. But I only did it as a test to see how far I could push him away from him and see if he would still stay. We are also on a break because he is tired of me blowing up on his, cussing him out, being verbally abusive to him whenever he comes short of my expectations. I just get “crazy” on him because I don’t trust him fully, because of his lying past. Anyway, finally, we decided to be on break, also, because for me. I’ve mentioned to him many times (perhaps another test) that I had never had the experience like he did with other people. He is my first boyfriend and first sexual experience, but he had other long-term girlfriends as well as 2 other past sexual experiences (which he lied to me –twice-- previously.) Anyway, he feels maybe its also good to be taking this break away from each other so he can get a break from me and also so I can maybe date to see what else is out there so I can realize if he is the real one for me. He’s mentioned he is being “protective” now because he doesn’t want to be hurt, so this is why he is initiating the break, and how he wasn’t sure if I am confident that he is the actual one, and wants me to be sure. But I told him, if he really loved me, he wouldn’t be suggesting me seeing other people, and having the potential that I can actually find someone better and leaving him for good. He replied saying he only wanted the best for me, and if I indeed find someone else and better, he would be happy just to see me happy. I felt it was a big cop-out. But, if someone realy loves something, it’s much harder than that to let that thing go, I’d think. However, there is also that saying “Let go the one you love, and if they come back, they are for keeps.” (something like that.)

 

Anyway, so because we are on this break, and still live together (for working reasons, I won’t be able to move out until next year of May-June), I feel this break is still extremely hard. Yes, sometimes I have distractions such as my friends to talk to, and even new guys in the picture who I believe would like to date me, but when I’m alone at the house when my bf is at work, like I am right now, I get so sad and depressed and just feel this break is nonsense. I told him many times I will never be verbally abusive anymore (uh-huh) but he feels this break is still much needed for both of us to learn and figure out what we both really want. He also wants to advance in his new job, but that won’t be until next year anyway, but he claims that this relationship has been stressing him, so he needs to know have these issues from me.

 

Anyway, I agree to give him his space finally. But during the first few days, I kinda denied the break and felt we are still actually together, so I didn’t care that I was still sleeping together on the same bed as him, and because we are very phsycialy attracted to each other, we both do not have the will power to control our sexual urges with each other (even though we are on break.) So we had sex mutipe times during this break. And we also hugged and kissed sometimes. But recently, my friend knocked some sense into me saying he wont be able to miss me on this break if I keep on giving benefits as if I were still his girlfriend. So I started sleeping on the couch for two nights already. The first night I slept on the couch, during the morning after, he came to the couch and gave me I-missed-you-kinda-hug and he said when he realized I wasn't on the bed sleeping with him, he couldn’t sleep. So that made me feel as if he is realizing what he will be missing. And we hung out during his day off at a mall, and I was actually acting pretty confident, not sad or droopy that we are on break, but I was even kinda cheerful because I knew he was missing me, and it was probably killing him to see me like this, having seen me cry to tears the night before with me telling him all my confessions to him that he is the one, and I didn’t want to see anyone, and me wanting to make it work. He even wanted a hug during the time we hung out, but I didn’t give it to him, cause I wanted to make him realize for sure that this is what will be missing if he still wants this break to continue.

 

After the mall, we went to dinner (at which he looked at me multiple times starring at me with droopy-eyed and sad face to see if I cared, but to which I pretended I didn’t care.) Then after dinner, when we got home, he closed the room door and said “Let me ask you something.” And I was like “Ok, go ask me something.” And he’s like “How is it that the night before , you were crying outrageousing, tears everywhere, making me believe you really want this to work, and today, it’s as if you don’t feel the same way.” And I was thinking so he actually cares?? And I asked him “Why does it matter, we’re just friends.” And he’s like “Well I just wanna know how you do it? I just don’t get.” And I didn’t really give him an answer. But I know deep down, its probably annoying to him a bit that I kinda have a switch to basically turn on and off my feelings for him.

 

So anyway, for the second night in a room, I take my blankets to the couch and he tells me “you don’t have to sleep outside. You can sleep here.” And I said” no I can’t,” and he was like “ummm.. OK??” (in an upset tone that I am able to and actually resisting him.) As tempting as it was to sleep with him and on a more comfortable bed, I just couldn’t give in to my sexual/comfort urges. (I know if I sleep on the bed with him, we will have sex.) My friend told me I need to sleep on the couch and not do anything “couple-like” until we both figure out what we want.

 

So this morning, when he awoke for work, he came to the couch outside and told me he would be leaving for work. And I just said “OK”, seemingly not to care, or want a hug. But deep inside, I wanted to see if he would do what he did the day before, which was to come outside and give me a I-missed-you-hug. He didn’t, but probably because I had refused his hug offer when we hung out the day before. So maybe now his guard is up too.

 

Anyway, I am thinking what all your feedback on this break is, and how we are acting? Do you think he still wants us to be together, but he really just wants a break to clear his mind. Why do you think he wants me to still sleep on the bed when he knows we will most likely have sex, and while we are on a break. Why does he want hugs from me, and why did he care some much that I was able to cry one night pouring all my feelings out for him, and then the next day, I am acting happy and cheerful as a friend and not be sad. And what do you think about him letting me go “have my fun with other guys” because he’s felt that he took me from the world and I never got to experience what else is out there. (And,I think he feels pretty confident I wont find someone out there like him, so perhaps he wants me to date so I can see that he was right.) Do you think it is cause he is so confident that I won’t find someone else like him that he’s letting me date other people on this break. Or maybe he is testing me to see if I really would date other people, because supposedly if I really love him, then I shouldn’t and don’t really need to date other people (even though I’ve complained about wanting more experience.) Or do you think, he really wants to let me go, and by suggesting me see other people, it is easier for me to let him go as well, and thus, move out of his house eventually.

 

Any feedback would be good, and should I still continue this no-contact thing, as in no physical contact. The thing is, I will be touring around the nation for work. More specifically I will be leaving in less than a week for 4 days, then I will be back for 2 days at home, but then shortly after that, I will leave for until Dec 26th (sadly, we still have yet to celebrate Christmas together for our 3rd year in a row.) So I don’t know if I should start giving into my feelings and just hang out with him as a girlfriend, even just giving him benefits as I would like those benefits too so that when I live, I feel I had spent some good times with him. Or should I continue this no-phsyical contact to stand my ground that if we are on break, then we cannot hug, kiss, have sex, etc. (Although I really miss sex with him and we usually have sex multiple times a week, so it’s hard for me too.) What should I do? And if I stay on this no-physical-contact rule up until the night I live, can I then just give in for one night and have sex with him for just one last time before I go on my tour? (As you can see, sex is very important in this relationship.) There’s a lot of questions I’m asking and any responses are welcome. Just let me know what you all think please. Thank you!

 

All of the bolded suggest either destructive things to your relationship or evidence that neither of you are mature enough to be living together.

 

You are constantly using your moods and outbursts to control his reactions and it will only lead to him feeling like he has to walk on eggshells for the smallest things.

 

Even you don't know exactly what it takes to please you, you need to figure out what you can do for yourself, what you would like from a relationship and what you need to do if you don't get it. You also need to look up and learn healthier communication skills.

 

I doubt you will be living together until May-June. Whether or not to do the break thing is almost irrelevant. Your place will not be peaceful until you work on the above.