How do they do it.......?

[ohno89]

i am older than you guys long out of college and i wish i had the answer. dont

 

quote: Is it literally as simple as, they fell in love with someone else. Done. How can you fall in love with someone else when you're claiming you still love another person? How can you leave someone you claimed to wanna marry for someone you barely know...? All these answers point to "they were lying and never really loved you to do that to you" and frankly....that makes me really sad...when you're in a R, you know the degree of love that's there so...why did they do it?

 

the someone i loved married 7 days ago after meeting her in august (once) in another country..(mexico)...then engaged to her in Nov...then married this 1 week ago today. so thats 4 months. oh yeah and they bought a house together in this country and her son is enrolled in a school here. and no he wasnt just trying to get her into the country. this after claiming love for me for 10 years and up until june 2010. we were supposed to be together.

 

 

i think it just goes sour with us somehow and they have it in their heads before...to maybe get away and then when someone makes them "feel alive" even if it be with drugs (so rediculous) they go wiht THAT person.

 

hugs i am sorry for your pain. i am going to claim that you will find the love of your life someday and someday soon..and look back and say thank God!

 

IIKT - I'm so sorry for what you're going through, that's just awful... when I was reading your post, the first thing I thought was that he was trying to get her into the country. If that's not the case, then whatever it may be...and I don't know if this makes you feel better or worse, but I very much doubt it will last. In the space of 4 months, they've gotten married and bought a house together?! Come on...

 

Your theory might be right...they say that's usually the case in situations like these, that they might've been contemplating leaving for a while then someone else showing interest comes along, etc, etc.....but people usually leave out the rest of that story. Usually, they get into relationships with these other people straight away and fast-forward it, almost as if to pick up where they left off with us. The infatuation eventually wears off and each of their true colours start to show and then they realise this person isn't exactly their idea of perfect and they seriously start to consider what they've done. Your ex has started out in that fashion and my ex certainly finished out like it; we were meant to go on holiday that Summer but instead - because this girl could offer him free drugs and a place to stay abroad for a while, allowing him to literally up and leave all his problems behind and use drugs to bury his head in the sand, that's what he did. He also had family problems at home and didn't want to go back home when he returned from his holiday so this girl let him stay at hers during the summer. Again, allowing him to run away from his problems and do whatever the hell he wanted away from his parents. Come November, when he'd sorted out his own place, Uni started again, his friends all came back etc, he dropped her. For the first time ever, I actually felt a little sorry for this girl.....only a little.

 

Having said that, truthfully, there might be R that have worked out that way, they might never apologise to you or come back but....just know that they will think about you from time to time, even if they never show it. And remember, they have to live with their decision and what they've done but you can live through this, become a much stronger person from it, learn a lot and yes, you too will find someone better for you..

 

There are so many reasons as to why our ex's did what they did, and call me....whatever, but I don't think it's always solely down to "they fell in love with someone else." I think people like that definitely have thier own other issues going on in their heads.....maybe they did just start liking someone else but how can you have it in you to do that to someone you've been with for 10 years with someone you met once?!

 

I dunno...I'm tired of trying to work it out. It's funny having something you said a while ago, said back to you, like the quote you posted above...it's nice to know you don't feel that deeply about the situation anymore.. with regards to mine, I'll never know if she was the sole cause of our break-up or just a major effect of whatever my ex was going through, and her main appeal being the free drugs she could offer him, which I didn't even do, let alone could offer him....

 

Don't get me wrong, although I don't feel anything real towards my ex anymore, everytime I remember what he did, it still hurts like a b****....I think it always will.... it doesn't matter what I feel about him now, but the fact is, when the betrayal from him took place, I was still deeply in love with him and I think I need to accept that it will always hurt........unless someone could tell me otherwise?!

 

Hmm....the main thing still bugging me now is the whole contact that. I really, really, really wish I never contacted him on Christmas. It's opened up a can of worms for me that i did NOT want....I've ended up somehow, coming out worse from it. I annoyed him - understandably - AND he never responded back to me which ALWAYS annoys me....I don't know how to react towards him now if I see him around.....guess just say hi and get on with my day...urgh, it's gonna be awful, I'm such an idiot.

 

I know I shouldn't be too hard on myself because it's pretty much the first time since we broke up like 7 months ago that I've initiated contact...but it went so horribly... I've handled the situation SO well up until now and been so proud of myself. I never turned psycho on his ass at any point, didn't hassle him with texts and phone calls (much to his surprise I think!) and even after all was said and done, I was friendly towards him, civil, didn't have a go at him, make him feel bad.......and now I've ruined all that hard work... urgh, i hate it!!

Edited December 27, 2010 by ohno89

[rebeccajones]

I have been thinking about how there were times in my life when I was selfish or lost and I hurt others. So I've been thinking it's not a personal thing about us. At the time when I broke it off with someone I was looking for something else, something more, maybe because I felt unhappy inside. I never did find something better really. So I've just been thinking my ex is not happy inside and wants to find something else to fulfill him, he is lost. It may be the same with your ex, it's not about you not making him happy its about himself.

[IfiKnewThen]

hi ohno89

 

 

first of all when i was reading this i was thinking. look at this person....she is trying to help others in her post even though she is hurting

 

quote: Having said that, truthfully, there might be R that have worked out that way, they might never apologise to you or come back but....just know that they will think about you from time to time, even if they never show it. And remember, they have to live with their decision and what they've done but you can live through this, become a much stronger person from it, learn a lot and yes, you too will find someone better for you..

 

 

you guy lost a very good thing. you sound like you have a lot of heart and are sensitive.

 

drugs do alter people and i think he was NOT thinking clearly before OR after. i don't know what kind of drugs this guy is on ..all drugs are bad but some worse than others. if its coke he will be erratic and angry ..and a bad thing. thank God you're away from him. its its crack....run for the hills. people sell their own children for the stuff. i am thinking its not these hardcore things...maybe its pot. but seriously that make you zone and lazy. this cant be good no matter what and i am sorry you're not with who you love and he hurt and abandon you that way. but if hes on drugs...you're likely better off away from him now.

 

dont fell bad that you called him for chistmas either. life is short and if on drugs with impaired thinking...he could have gotten hurt and then you would be kicking yourself for NOT calling him. its such a catch 22.

 

but you did the more loving brave thing you dont have to be sorry for. if he acted like an A$$ he should feel sorry and embarrassed.

 

i know how you feel though...you already feel bad and dont want to have more layers of bad rejected feelings added to the mix. but you dont call and text him much. and i bet he has been surprised. something they think we have no self control and then you showed him..otherwise. i did the same. so it doesnt qualify for you to have to feel bad : ) you dont have to feel bad for a christmas contact. the rare contact you've made. please don't be so hard on yourself. even if you did contact him a lot...i would stiull say to a person...you never have to feel bad that you didnt try. you gave it your all!!

 

its being complacent that i think is bad. to live in fear and let fear control you. if you fear contacting them...they still control you and have the upper hand. if you dont allow those fears to take over you...and you call them when you want on YOUR terms...you are essentually more in control. anway, i can tell you are a good persona dn very smart too. you will balance this proper. and dont live in fear...live in love. let that be your guild. i feel something this IS going to work out for you. go your way in the end. : )

[IfiKnewThen]

ps sorry for all the typos.

[ohno89]

blover - I'm sorry, I didn't see your post there but thank you

 

rebeccajones - thank you for your input. I think sometimes it helps to have some insight into the other side of the story... I guess because people like myself, can't ever imagine being in such a predicament about life, I struggle to see it from that POV or to understand it.... I guess I have been fortunate enough to not be in such a place yet...

 

IfiKnewThen - it was so nice to come on LS and read your kind words, thank you! I guess when I come on LS, I usually rant about whatever's happening with my situation, I let it all out and then I'm a little better...so if I can be of the tiniest help to anyone else while I'm here, it makes it all the more worthwhile

 

He was on a combination of drugs. I never really asked much about it, it's so very common at my university or with the people I know so aslong as he was safe and I didn't feel it was affecting our relationship, I didn't ever really probe around...which of course made it worse when he turned nasty on me and accused him of never approving and making him feel bad, blah blah blah... As far as I know, he did most drugs apart from coke, crack and heroin. But he acted like he could handle it and they didn't have any adverse effects on him....only once, at a really low point, did he admit to me that he knew they weren't doing him any good, but then of course carried on the next day like it never happened! Oh well, at least he's supposedly cut down a lot...the way he is and the people and places he associates himself with, it would be impossible for him to give up completely. But whatever, not my problem anymore!

 

And thank you for making me feel better about the whole contact thing! I'm glad you remained NC with your ex for the most part as well... I'm proud of us! And you're right; for whatever reason, at that point in time, if I was compelled enough to want to contact him that badly, that I REALLY had to sit and think about it for forever, then whatever, maybe I was meant to!

 

Of course I find this all a little easier to say no because he did in fact get back to me....he asked me for the millionth time if we could at least talk over BB messenger instead of emails and eventually I agreed. I might've done a stupid thing here and be back on LS in a while hating myself again and feeling like an idiot but.....the way I see it, is that I'm obviously going to see this kid around campus, we're likely to talk and at least this way, it won't be awkward. I'm sure he'll understand if I do feel the need to cut him off and he still doesn't technically have my phone number so he can't call me. If I want rid, all I have to do is delete. I've done it before so I can do it again but hoepfully, it won't need to come to that. I will try my hardest to handle this in the best way possible and protect my feelings as well as his if needed.

 

I'm sure I'll be back again soon.....hopefully not too soon with any bad news! If not before then, I hope anyone who is reading this has a happy new year! Thank you again for all your help LSers - stay strong and keep smiling. Let's all hope for a better year in 2011

Edited December 28, 2010 by ohno89

[Nothingtolose]

Hey Ohno,

 

I registered on this website just so i could reply to your thread

 

I'm going through a situation that is somewhat very similar to what you went through with your ex, I would love to chat with you and hear how you coped when all of this happened as I'm struggling heaps to come to terms with it...

 

Is there any way i can contact you by email or private msg?

[Leandro]

Is there any way i can contact you by email or private msg?

You can PM members when you've posted 100 times on LS, so you better start posting.

[Nothingtolose]

haha ok will do

[ohno89]

Hey Ohno,

 

I registered on this website just so i could reply to your thread

 

I'm going through a situation that is somewhat very similar to what you went through with your ex, I would love to chat with you and hear how you coped when all of this happened as I'm struggling heaps to come to terms with it...

 

Is there any way i can contact you by email or private msg?

 

Haha, okay well when you reach your 100 posts, of course you can, I'll be happy to try and help

 

Until then, feel free to maybe start your own thread (I don't know what the post limit is for that) and I'll be happy to reply via there as will others I'm sure!

[ohno89]

Arghhhh, okay, I know I've already said my goodbyes for the year but its December 30th and this WILL be my last post of 2010.

 

Contact with my ex since christmas day has been a little on/off and up/down; he got mad at me, I got mad at him..lashed out a little and he stopped talking to me. At first, I was fuming. I thought, this guy is lucky I ever even started talking to him again and not just that, but have actually been so nice and civil to him the whole time, where the hell does he get off cutting me off as if I'm the one in the wrong and that - god forbid - I'm not completely trusting of him and still very much have my guard up with him, as if he's some perfect little angel?!?!

 

Anyway, that lasted most of my day and I just thought, well okay, I'm done. I was gonna cut him off anyway so he's just made my job easier for me.

 

Later on that evening, I somehow ended up on his newly set-up myspace page. He always thought there was something more out there for him than his university degree and over the summer, I think he realised his passion and talent for music and writing. I listened to the first song on there; it was very personal. For anyone that knows him and what he's been through, it was all very deep and hit a nerve with me, I couldn't stop crying.

 

Then - being the person I am - my anger towards him immediately turned into sadness. From what I know of his upbringing - which isn't even the half of it - he was a very troubled child and tbh, I'm surprised he's not more messed up than he is. For a child growing up to be treated the way he was by people that were supposed to do nothing but love him.....it literally breaks my heart, like I can't even begin to explain. It's terrible for anyone to have to go through that, let alone when it's someone I once deeply cared about.

 

I know I said he's been blaming his personal problems in a way for how he treated me etc but......I honestly don't think with my situation, it was simply a case of, he liked someone else and cheated on me because he's a nasty person. It was way more complex than that....it's evident enough due to the fact that - at the time - every aspect of his life was spiralling out of control, so it was only a matter of time before our relationship got caught in the mix too. I'm not trying to make excuses for him or to make myself feel better and in this case, I don't think it's fair to say that "if he loved me, he shouldn't have cheated no matter what. Or then gotten into a relationship with this girl." I know how it looks from the outside when it's put like that, but I'm sure for anyone who's been reading my posts and knows the depth of my story, they can maybe understand where I'm coming from here.

 

Although I was extremely mad at him for cutting me off - and so were my friends - I don't believe in harbouring feelings of hate or anger towards someone for long periods of time. And there's always something about the new year which makes you want a clean slate. I told my friend beforehand that I was going to email him one last time and although she didn't approve, I had to do it. It would've bugged me otherwise.

 

So - for the first time since we started talking again - I sent him the most honest and probably the most serious bit of contact yet; everything up until then had just been chit chat, and joking and messing around. I hadn't once really laid into him or sat down and had a 'serious talk' about what the hell happened. I didn't want to and I still don't want to now.

 

I basically apologised for before and assuming the worst of him like I did. I still think a teeny part of me might've been right and maybe he cut me off because he couldn't handle a few home truths but whatever, I'm over it. If he was big enough to try and make amends with me and I was willing to talk to him through my own choice, he doesn't really deserve to sit there and be made to feel guilty and talked down upon; obviously anyone would just rather walk away.

 

So I apologised and for the first time - since figuring it out myself - I explained to him that, although I've forgiven him, I still am finding it a little hard to forget right now and I feel bad that I can't seem to bring myself to be his friend atm, and at a time where I really think he needs one.

 

I have been very chilled out and civil and friendly towars him which may have lead him to believe that I'm completely fine and over it and actually, I wasn't as damaged from it than I was, but I explained to him that - although I'm indifferent now - what he did still hurts. Someone you love turning your back on you like that will always hurt and he needs to understand that, but at the same time, it still even makes me sad to think that that's it, that we're done with each others lives forever.

 

I told him that, even though - for him to get where he is now - he had to hurt me in the process, everything happens for a reason and if he's happy now, than I'm happy for him. And we're meant to stay friends in the future, then we will.

 

I wished him well for the new year, told him that I still think he's a good person and also to stay strong and never give up.

 

I haven't gotten a reply yet but...whatever. That's me done; I said what I needed to say, I was proud of myself and I believe I was the bigger person to admit my faults but wish him well. It feels a lot better than to end the year hating each other and having unanswered questions.

 

I would like a reply but....I'm not counting on one. I think he should reply but......like I said, whatever. Happy holidays everyone x

Edited December 30, 2010 by ohno89

[Leandro]

This isn't the last post forever, right? Just the last one of the year, right?

 

Happy Holidays

[Sonolumino]

ohno,

 

What you did was very mature. It gives me hope that there are girls out there who can take a step back and look at things from another point of view. Your quote about "If he was big enough to try and make amends then so was I" is the main basis of my point. That's admirable. Literally in all of the breakups I've ever seen, I see one person trying to make amends, and it falling on deaf ears with the other person, and a hateful, bitter relationship always ensues. Wherever this year takes you I wish you well. You definitely deserve it.

[IfiKnewThen]

i too am proud of you ohno89.

 

i am like you. i see things from all sides. you are a compassionate perso, i can see that. he will be missing a lot and have a great loss if he doesnt come back to you or end up with you, or salvage a friendship, if and when youre willing to do that.

 

i know how you feel too to want to preserve a friendship but he cant expect you to be over your pain over night like "just add water instant".

 

but i like what you said here and its how i feel about the person i was in love with..

 

"I told him that, even though - for him to get where he is now - he had to hurt me in the process, everything happens for a reason and if he's happy now, than I'm happy for him. And we're meant to stay friends in the future, then we will."

 

 

 

it doesnt have to be an "intimate relationship" for it to continue on some mature appropriate level friendship, if thats possible someday. i agree with you. i wish you luck too. i hope he truly comes to appreciate how forgiving and understanding you are and how you 'weigh things". i really hope he thinks twice. and has the heart and smarts to write back to you and show that appreciation.

 

but even if he doesnt. remember you rock!

[ohno89]

Oh...having just read both your posts, I just had to reply, it made me want to cry...

 

Moreso because I'm terribly disappointed in myself...I can't even begin to explain. I hate myself for it, I ruined a perfectly happy new years...... *sigh* I'll probably be back when I'm ready / have more time to explain...I don't even wanna talk about it...

 

But thanks you guys, your words touched me. I hope everyone is keeping well...

[Leandro]

No don't hate yourself for whatever you did .

 

Cheer up!!! You're doing good so far.

[ohno89]

No Leandro, I f***ed up....I was doing well until a few days ago....god, I feel like such an idiot, I was so proud of myself.......

 

I hope you're doing okay and had a good new year Leandro...keep your head up.

[Leandro]

No Leandro, I f***ed up....I was doing well until a few days ago....god, I feel like such an idiot, I was so proud of myself.......

 

I hope you're doing okay and had a good new year Leandro...keep your head up.

And you WILL do well again . Cheer up!

 

For me? I was doing fine till yesterday. So the new year is off to a bad start too .

[marigo]

Hey ohno89!! its definitely been a while since we last talked. I remember the last time was that you just moved back to the university and i remember u telling me that u didnt have internet. A lot has definitely happened since then! Reading your posts here, i know that you have become so much stronger even tho i have always told you that you are such a strong person to begin with.

 

I was a bit shock to hear that your ex has broken up with his most recent gf because from the last time you told me, it seemed that their relationship was going well. Sounds bad to say this but im glad they broke up. It was a major rebound relationship in his part that wasnt meant to last anyway. Im also happy to hear that because i know in one way or another, the pain of having to see how happy he is with another person is not gonna be there for a while. Dont ever beat yourself up for contacting him because i think its natural that even if we're angry at someone or whatever, deep down inside, we still care for the person and given the opportunity to talk to him, you will. Its hard to control. And sometimes, we have moments where we want to use a certain occasion just to have contact with him (ex: xmas day) and thats okay. Im sure we have all done that. I dont know what happened on new years but my dear, you have come a long way. You mightve made a mistake, but im sure theres a lesson to be learned as to why that happened.

 

A lot has happened with me since the last time we talked. My ex is still with his new gf and they seem so happy and in love. I dont think these 2 are gonna break up anytime soon. Ive had my weak moments and i would come up to him at work to talk but there was a point where we had a serious talk and i ended up pouring my heart out. Dont get me wrong, i never asked for him back again, but i did tell him how angry and disappointed i was in him. I had a lot of questions for him. After that talk, i could tell that we both try our best to avoid each other at work. To make matters worse, despite me wanting his new relationship to not work out, i felt guilty telling him that i miss him. I knew what my intentions were when i said it but i felt guilty that i mightve caused problems in his new relationship. Maybe because realistically speaking, i want them to fight about me without me having to be directly involved. I stayed away ever since then.

 

Winter break happened and my bday came up and holidays. Nope, no greetings from him at all. I didnt either. I was disappointed not gettng a text from him for my bday tho because it is my day and he couldnt even greet me then. School started again and i have been so emotional. Ever since we last talked, i have felt better about a lot of things. But ever since winter break, ive gotten so emotional that i havent stopped crying in weeks. And the ex happens to be in one of my classes and we ended up sitting next to each other the other day. Once we start talking, everything is normal. We walked back together because we have the same way going home and i finally asked him if i ever got him into trouble with his new relationship because i keep talking to him. I have been having doubts about our relationship and questioning whether or not he was even in love with me at all in the 2 years we've been together and it's nice to finally got an answer. I started having doubts because hes so happy now that i dont think he remembers i was even a part of his life I felt bad quesitoning him so the next day at work, i apologized to him and told him i didnt mean to make him feel insulted. I dont regret the talk we had because it gave me answers, but i do regret apologizing. And just today, i had to make another mistake of talking to him and asking him what edition of book he has because he took the class last semester. I have a book too but it was the old edition. I wanted to ask him first before i spend $300 on a book that i could borrow from him if he does have it. I totally regret this move too. I wish i just spent $300 instead of asking him. Because the way he answered me. I dont know. It sounded like he was such a jerk towards me and i dont understand why hes doing that.

 

I honestly dont know if ive made over a hundred posts and if you could send me a private message, but if you can and you still want to talk, im here for you.

[IfiKnewThen]

hey ohno89. how r u doing? hope things are somehow coming together. whatever happened ..dont hate yourself. i know what thats like.