How do they do it.......?

[ohno89]

I haven't posted here in a while..I miss LS but ever since I've been back at university, things have been very hectic and I have no internet still in the apartment but I really needed to vent and was hoping for some insight...

 

Quick history: me and my ex broke up about 6months ago after 1.5yrs; things we okay until he weirded out on me for 2wks before telling me we're too different because he did drugs and I didn't and then he told me that he'd kissed someone else in those 2wks (he'd known her a few wks). He then went on holiday with this girl about maybe a month later where she could get him free drugs and a place to stay out there (this was arranged before he and I had broken up) and they've been together since..he lived with her over the summer too.

 

I've been very up and down since I got back to uni - I've spoken to him a couple times; first time, I felt awful after, second time, I felt great. So very up and down but lately...its been awful. It must just be a mixture of exam stress, the holidays coming up and me being run down, but also because I kept telling myself in order to get by that, "the grass isn't always greener, he's probably not doing all that great, etc, etc" until I saw a couple new pictures of them together on fb looking perfectly happy and "perfectly perfect".

 

So now its got me thinking - ALL over again - how do they do it....? I know I'm not the first or last person this has happened to or the last but...has anyone on here done something similar to their partner at the time? How?! Did you ever miss your ex or were they just completely replaced and forgotten about? Usually they say "the person started emotionally detaching themselves from you long before you even realised etc.." but what if this wasn't necessaily the case, like if you genuinely think it was only few a few wks if anything, which doesn't seem to account enough for a year and a half worths R, and the overall decision seemed rash even to them...?

 

Is it literally as simple as, they fell in love with someone else. Done. How can you fall in love with someone else when you're claiming you still love another person? How can you leave someone you claimed to wanna marry for someone you barely know...? All these answers point to "they were lying and never really loved you to do that to you" and frankly....that makes me really sad...when you're in a R, you know the degree of love that's there so...why did they do it?

 

I hope in a weeks time or so, I'll be out of this slump I'm in again but for now, its really getting to me to the point where its affecting my studies...I hate seeing him around looking all smug and completely different....I don't know what has come of us withing 6 months but he's a complete stranger...he doesn't even realise the extent of what he's done to someone that did literally nothing to them...I wouldn't even want to be with him anymore so its probably just an ego thing but being replaced like that....god, it hurts like a b*tch...I don't think I could ever imagine doing that to someone...I just wonder how people like him get to treat people so badly (I'm sure he's done a similar thing before to other exs) and yet, they still end up completely happy...maybe the two of them were truly "meant to be" and I just got in the way of that like a stepping stone that was bound to get trodden on and just got tossed to the side for someone "better"....

 

Sorry for the rant

[Nemicron]

I know the feeling. My ex after maybe a week or so got an apt in the same complex I was living in and had some guy move in with her like the last 4 years I spent with her was nothing. But shes on FB and yearbook. And last time I looked she has half naked pics of herself. So I guess in the end it not going to be easy to get over something like that until you try and distract yourself with something else. Like maybe try dating and what not. But I wouldnt try anything to serious just yet.

[Leandro]

hey ohno89! its been a while since you posted. That question always goes through my mind. i cant really talk , on phone.

 

keep it up.

[nobmagnet]

ouch.

 

your post hit a nerve for me:confused: well i guess its because they are not us. But then again i dont think about my ex's at all so maybe its just what we do. My last ex (reason i am here) is happy too i think and that sucks.

 

If i could give you one bit of advice it would to make the most of you. Dress well, smile, look happy ALWAYS in public. It helped me no end because he never saw me looking rough and its been 14 months, he always askes where i am going out to. Knowing i look as good as i can helps me feel better about myself.

 

the battering of being not enough for someone hurts like f*ck but then if you turn it on its head......................they were obviously not good enough for you.:love:

 

 

many ((hugs)) neets

[ohno89]

Thank you for your responses...I feel bad that I haven't been online in so long to see how everyone's doing but the lack of internet situation is really sucky..

 

Nemicron - I think that's one of the worst parts; that we're putting SO much energy still into them when they probably wouldn't bat an eyelid. In my case, I got to a point where I couldn't handle how my ex was being anymore and wanted to break up. He got scared, told me we'd fix things then cheated anyway...its like he couldn't handle being left so he did it to me first so he wouldn't have to be alone and deal with the break-up...he's had 3 R's before me and I don't think he's ever been the one getting dumped so he wouldn't know how it truly felt....he literally moved in with this girl after like 2months of I'm guessing meeting her so figures he wasn't thinking about me at all...

 

Thank you Leandro - how are you doing?

 

NM - thank you for your reply. And yeah, I think I can safely say I've looked presentable every time I've run into him but...nothing really matters when you feel like this; the girl he's now with is very pretty and he's still with her so it wouldn't matter how I looked really...

 

It makes me sad to think how disposable you can be to someone and if its that easy for them....did you mean anything to them at all?! It would be different if I was seeing someone aswell but I'd still think about him...despite what a **** he was, my stupid brain still thinks other boys don't quite compare to him...well, the old him..

 

I feel like I've taken 10 steps back recently, I was doing so well...must be the holidays..! And stupid evil fb! I feel its almost a bit inhumane what people can do to others sometimes, its mind boggling to me... I can't wait til I'm at the point where I literally couldn't care less what he's doing and who with but I feel because of what happened and the fact that he basically chose this other girl over me, I'm never gonna be okay with that...I don't think I'll fully be able to let go until he's not with her anymore...horrible feeling...

[Leandro]

I'm doing ok I guess. Some days I'm fine while others I'm not. I've been working out and putting some muscles on. Two months of NC and tomorrow will be three months since the break up. I'm going to a game tonight that she will be playing at. I won't see her, but being in the same area as her will probably make me sick.

[Nemicron]

I'm sorry you've had to deal with that. Thats awful

 

Thank you for your responses...I feel bad that I haven't been online in so long to see how everyone's doing but the lack of internet situation is really sucky..

 

Nemicron - I think that's one of the worst parts; that we're putting SO much energy still into them when they probably wouldn't bat an eyelid. In my case, I got to a point where I couldn't handle how my ex was being anymore and wanted to break up. He got scared, told me we'd fix things then cheated anyway...its like he couldn't handle being left so he did it to me first so he wouldn't have to be alone and deal with the break-up...he's had 3 R's before me and I don't think he's ever been the one getting dumped so he wouldn't know how it truly felt....he literally moved in with this girl after like 2months of I'm guessing meeting her so figures he wasn't thinking about me at all...

 

Thank you Leandro - how are you doing?

 

NM - thank you for your reply. And yeah, I think I can safely say I've looked presentable every time I've run into him but...nothing really matters when you feel like this; the girl he's now with is very pretty and he's still with her so it wouldn't matter how I looked really...

 

It makes me sad to think how disposable you can be to someone and if its that easy for them....did you mean anything to them at all?! It would be different if I was seeing someone aswell but I'd still think about him...despite what a **** he was, my stupid brain still thinks other boys don't quite compare to him...well, the old him..

 

I feel like I've taken 10 steps back recently, I was doing so well...must be the holidays..! And stupid evil fb! I feel its almost a bit inhumane what people can do to others sometimes, its mind boggling to me... I can't wait til I'm at the point where I literally couldn't care less what he's doing and who with but I feel because of what happened and the fact that he basically chose this other girl over me, I'm never gonna be okay with that...I don't think I'll fully be able to let go until he's not with her anymore...horrible feeling...

[Leandro]

 

It makes me sad to think how disposable you can be to someone and if its that easy for them....did you mean anything to them at all?! It would be different if I was seeing someone aswell but I'd still think about him...despite what a **** he was, my stupid brain still thinks other boys don't quite compare to him...well, the old him..

 

I feel like I've taken 10 steps back recently, I was doing so well...must be the holidays..! And stupid evil fb! I feel its almost a bit inhumane what people can do to others sometimes, its mind boggling to me... I can't wait til I'm at the point where I literally couldn't care less what he's doing and who with but I feel because of what happened and the fact that he basically chose this other girl over me, I'm never gonna be okay with that...I don't think I'll fully be able to let go until he's not with her anymore...horrible feeling...

I wonder too if my ex thinks about me. Probably not.

 

The hoildays down here are making it pretty bad for me too. Its rainy and windy. Cold and the sun is never out because of all the clouds. It gives off a bad mood.

[ohno89]

So, I went to see a counsellor for the first time this week and I felt that it helped..she basically reiterated to me that my ex's decision - particularly if he takes drugs - don't and shouldn't affect me. She said that - anything that I want or am hoping for from him - I'm probably not going to get. I'm not going to get an apology, he's not going to split up with her anytime soon so I need to stop focussing on how his actions might help me or make me feel better.

 

The counselling really helped, but then stupid me was on FB and found that his mum now had his gf as a friend...something I always hoped wouldn't happen so soon after just 6months... the fact that I was with him for 18months and I never got round to meeting his family and now she's already friends with his mum...they've gone on holiday together, he moved in with her for a while, she's met his mum enough times to add her on FB...something I never got the chance to do or just..didn't.

I feel because I had this idea that - you can't just rush straight into another serious R like that, it could just be a distraction, etc, etc....I feel like actually..maybe I was the "distraction" or rebound from his R before me...hence why he found it so easy to just up and leave for someone else...someone he'd always really been looking for and I didn't mean as much to him as he made out..

 

He's changed a lot since we broke up and a lot of that's to do with his new gf...its like he's finally found himself and has the perfect gf with him by his side and he feels bad about what happened with us but...he's much happier with her. He doesn't seem to be doing great atm..apparently he failed a lot of his exams, I've seen him and he doesn't look great but....guess I don't know what's going on behind the scenes - he might not look great or be doing great with university but he might still be perfectly happy otherwise and not really be bothered about his studies...he might now have a completely different idea as to what he wants to do in life as he was never really interested in his course and she's now helped him find what he really wants and university was never really for him like its not been for her...

 

It just hurts to know that...I have literally been tossed aside and replaced for someone "better" and she's picking up where we left off....I helped him with his issues while we were together...cared for him, loved him, made him feel safe..until he found someone better and ****ed off.

 

I've seen pictures of them....on holiday, back at home together....they look really good together, like they fit...much better than we used to but I guess only after he became more like her...I feel like I should stop hating on this girl - despite the fact that she knew he was clearly in a R, but then I don't know what he would've told her and he was the one that was committed. Even still, I feel like I should be happy for them. If he's finally found what he's looking for and is happy...I should let it be and just be happy and accept that - for people to get what they want in life - they often have to step on others and that's what has happened here....I was just trodden on for him to get what he actually wanted.

 

Its just sad that after everything, it feels like I meant nothing to him. That he thought he was in love before...but that was before he realised what else was actually out there for him...he's in a R now where they don't have history like we did that we would bicker about...its just completely chilled out. He doesn't need to worry about her like he did me - for reasons unknown to me but...guess we just weren't compatible.

 

It doesn't matter if he's not doing well at uni, it doesn't matter that some of his mates don't like her...he does. And he'll be more determined to make this new R work more than ever. The fact that he took a hefty risk with it, the fact that he's already done so much with her in just 6months, they've probably got a pretty bright future ahead or them with lots to look forward to, and the fact that - he messed his last R up with me quite badly and has now "learnt so much from it", that he's prepared to make this one really work....

 

I realise that my whole post is about "him, him, him" and "them" and what "they're going to do together" and I NEED to let this go but its hard...its hard because I feel my futures been wiped out almost in certain aspects whereas his is just looking brighter to him....I'd love to know how he would cope if this had happened to him or his new R didn't work out in his favour like it seems to have......

 

*sigh...* I need to let go...and I need to stop torturing myself with FB and hoping they'd break up, that I'd hear from him, that he misses me at times or thinks about me.......that half of what he was saying was even true. I didn't mean that much to him at all...I couldn't have done if he did what he did...all the talk about the future and graduation and life after uni....he's found someone better to have a better future with..I don't think even he saw it coming tbh so its almost like I can't even blame him..I feel pretty worthless atm....

 

It doesn't help that - considering the level of care there was and him knowing how much he hurt me and how he broke my heart again - he hasn't bothered to ask how I am, to apologise, nothing....apart from the times he's had to because we've run into each other but..not off his own back. I don't know if its because he doesn't want any conflicts with his new gf, if he doesn't know how he's gonna feel when he actually has to face me or because I'm just this great big ball of guilt for him that, anything to do with me just makes him feel bad about what's happened and he doesn't wanna face it anymore because he doesn't have to anymore. I'm no one to him now....

 

I hate feeling like this...I don't expect anyone to read this or reply, I just needed to vent coz its one of those days and when I'm not on here venting, I'm usually actually okay....hmmm..

[LoveTruthChaos]

Oh God babe, I think we're the same person

I don't know what to tell you, because I'm in the same boat. Or at least I was, I'm doing much better now, but I'm still feeling everything you are, only less intensely now.

 

I think I need to see a counseller though. I feel like all my insecurities, all the 'injustice' I feel from my ex just up and leaving me for someone else and how HORRIBLE I felt because of it (I know, it's hard to explain, but you have that feeling, so you understand so well)...well, I think it somehow all stems back to my father abandoning me as a child. I'll always wonder why I wasn't good enough for him, so I guess what I feel is very deep-seated.

 

Hmmm.

[Leandro]

Hey Ohno. Sorry to hear that you're not doing too well. My ex left me for someone else and tried to blame me for everything. I still remember the words that she told me and it bothers me every night. Try not to worry about their relationship. You sound like a great girl and I'm sure you'll meet a good guy.

[AgeOfUninnocence]

Is it literally as simple as, they fell in love with someone else. Done. How can you fall in love with someone else when you're claiming you still love another person? How can you leave someone you claimed to wanna marry for someone you barely know...? All these answers point to "they were lying and never really loved you to do that to you" and frankly....that makes me really sad...when you're in a R, you know the degree of love that's there so...why did they do it?

 

Gosh, don't I wish I knew the answer to that one. But if I did, maybe I'd still be in my relationship. I think it's just, when you see someone, you see someone and you just happen to like them too even though you already love someone else.

 

SUPPOSEDLY this is what my ex told our mutual friends is what happened to him, that he loved me, but there was this new girl he met that he liked to, or rather, was infatuated by. And that he felt himself becoming distanced from me (despite the fact that I made time to talk to him every day in our 2 hour LDR) and his love for me became more like a friend (a friend that he never put in effort to talk to anymore). So apparently sometimes the power of Like is stronger than the power of Love. I still use "love" because again, SUPPOSEDLY everything was actually still real love, since he got all funny after I tried to give him this bracelet back he gave me for my birthday, and asked me to get out of my friend's car as I was leaving just so he could stare at my shoes and say, "I know you think that what we had wasn't real, but I just want you to know that it was." Ummm... okay. Sure. Hah, it's ridiculous just looking at all of that and seeing how none of that makes sense. If it was always real, wouldn't you have still been in love? if you really loved me and just liked her, wouldn't you have stayed with me, especially when she dumped you after a month, wouldn't you have realized you wanted to be with me? If you really just thought of me as a friend, wouldn't you have had no problems talking to me the way you used to when we were friends before dating? Hah.... Nope.

 

I'm glad you've started counselling though, it sounds like that's at least making you feel better! I would guess the really unacceptable reason that your guy isn't treating you nicely and acting about your life is because when he sees you, you do seem like a ball of guilt to him. It sucks, but maybe when he sees you he sees all the damage he's done and how he's hurt you, but doesn't want to take the time to get into checking your feelings because he's afraid you'll start up conflict. that's how I feel my guy is. Or is he an Aries? Because most of them are pretty selfish, not to start a horoscope debate on here. He's probably just afraid of having to redeal with talking about the breakup, and no matter how many times you just say that you wanna talk to them, guys never seem to understand that, and they just feel like you're about to attack them, and they'd rather just deal with what they wanna deal with, and run away from everything else.

[ohno89]

Thank you both for replying. I honestly didn't expect anyone to even want to read all that ranting, which - a few months on - still sounds and feels like the same old BS i was posting when I first joined!

 

Oh God babe, I think we're the same person [http://www.loveshack.org/forums/images/red/smiles/laughable]

 

I don't know what to tell you, because I'm in the same boat. Or at least I was, I'm doing much better now, but I'm still feeling everything you are, only less intensely now.

 

I think I need to see a counseller though. I feel like all my insecurities, all the 'injustice' I feel from my ex just up and leaving me for someone else and how HORRIBLE I felt because of it (I know, it's hard to explain, but you have that feeling, so you understand so well)...well, I think it somehow all stems back to my father abandoning me as a child. I'll always wonder why I wasn't good enough for him, so I guess what I feel is very deep-seated.

 

 

 

Hmmm.

 

LTC - I do often wonder how you're doing when I come on LS... I'm glad to hear you're doing better - and I totally get the low intensity of it all now - but as you can clearly see, it oftens rears its ugly head - usually after i've self-harmed buy looking for something to be mad at - and when it does happen, it's with a vengeance!

 

I do really think you should try and see a counsellor...i've been meaning to go for months and my first appointment went quite well but obviously be prepared for what it's going to bring out of you. I'm sorry for your earlier issues but I too think they could very well be connected and I hope you can find some strength and make some sense out of it all...I wish you all the best, please keep us updated

 

 

 

Hey Ohno. Sorry to hear that you're not doing too well. My ex left me for someone else and tried to blame me for everything. I still remember the words that she told me and it bothers me every night. Try not to worry about their relationship. You sound like a great girl and I'm sure you'll meet a good guy.

 

Leandro - I hope you're doing okay...and thank you as always for your kind words and for checking up on me. I know exactly how you feel - i think this is honestly one of the worst types of break-ups and heartaches you can face, is when the rug is pulled from underneath you and you can honestly say - okay things weren't perfect because then none of this would've happened - but you didn't ever see it coming to this because you trusted that person wholeheartedly and they didn't have enough respect to even talk things through with you.

 

 

The feeling of being replaced is truly awful - it affects you in ways you thought were unimaginable and i'm hoping to address some of these with the counselling. I'd honestly love to see how our ex's would be coping and feeling if we were to have done the same to them, or even half worse.....of course, we could never do that and i guess that's what makes it harder to understand.

 

I've gotten to the point where I just think - okay, my ex was a pretty level-headed guy (ha, well apart from the drugs) - if he was SO sure about this girl after what, a month or 2, that he was willing to leave someone he was still professing his love for and future plans with just a couple weeks before......he must've known what he was doing, surely?! He wouldn't have taken such a huge risk and so automatically, i associate this with the other girl obviously being SO much more amazing and prettier and whatever else than me...otherwise he wouldn't have done it? Right?! And of course, that then makes me feel awful. I get this guy doesn't decide who i am but he sure as hell has affected the way i feel about myself...but i think that's gotta be normal...

 

I have no energy left in this whatsoever. I'm pretty sure my ex failed his exams and has to re-do the year but not even THAT made me feel a little better. All i thought was "oh okay, so now that's 2 more years he'll be spending in this city and therefore with her!"

 

I know its silly but the whole his-new-gf-already-having-his-mum-on-FB thing just makes me feel a little insignificant, even as an EX gf...the week I was supposed to meet his family on his bday, after all the talk of how well I'd get along with his sisters etc...he tells me to just "leave him alone" it was great(!)

 

*sigh....* I JUST want to stop feeling these feelings, thinking these thoughts.....

 

Gosh, don't I wish I knew the answer to that one. But if I did, maybe I'd still be in my relationship. I think it's just, when you see someone, you see someone and you just happen to like them too even though you already love someone else.

 

SUPPOSEDLY this is what my ex told our mutual friends is what happened to him, that he loved me, but there was this new girl he met that he liked to, or rather, was infatuated by. And that he felt himself becoming distanced from me (despite the fact that I made time to talk to him every day in our 2 hour LDR) and his love for me became more like a friend (a friend that he never put in effort to talk to anymore). So apparently sometimes the power of Like is stronger than the power of Love. I still use "love" because again, SUPPOSEDLY everything was actually still real love, since he got all funny after I tried to give him this bracelet back he gave me for my birthday, and asked me to get out of my friend's car as I was leaving just so he could stare at my shoes and say, "I know you think that what we had wasn't real, but I just want you to know that it was." Ummm... okay. Sure. Hah, it's ridiculous just looking at all of that and seeing how none of that makes sense. If it was always real, wouldn't you have still been in love? if you really loved me and just liked her, wouldn't you have stayed with me, especially when she dumped you after a month, wouldn't you have realized you wanted to be with me? If you really just thought of me as a friend, wouldn't you have had no problems talking to me the way you used to when we were friends before dating? Hah.... Nope.

 

I'm glad you've started counselling though, it sounds like that's at least making you feel better! I would guess the really unacceptable reason that your guy isn't treating you nicely and acting about your life is because when he sees you, you do seem like a ball of guilt to him. It sucks, but maybe when he sees you he sees all the damage he's done and how he's hurt you, but doesn't want to take the time to get into checking your feelings because he's afraid you'll start up conflict. that's how I feel my guy is. Or is he an Aries? Because most of them are pretty selfish, not to start a horoscope debate on here. He's probably just afraid of having to redeal with talking about the breakup, and no matter how many times you just say that you wanna talk to them, guys never seem to understand that, and they just feel like you're about to attack them, and they'd rather just deal with what they wanna deal with, and run away from everything else.

 

Thanks for your reply AOU. Hmm..I've tried to do the whole "see it from their POV" thing and I can see there being an attraction to someone other than your gf/bf but to actually go through with it, I think must take quite a lot. I still don't understand how you can match up simple attraction + knowing someone "shiny and new" for a mere month, before deciding to end a pretty special, 18month R with someone you built your future with. Usually in these cases, they say that "maybe they weren't completely happy in the R; something was missing in order for them to cheat/leave" and I honestly think the main factor in ours was drugs. Or the lack of drugs I did and the free drugs that this girl could get him....I get that our R wasn't perfect - we bickered a lot but come on!? Don't promise someone "you never wanna lose them, they're too much a part of your life and you'll never stop trying for them" and then bail as soon as some girl who wants to sleep with you waves some free drugs under your nose and that's it, you're gone. Its the lack of control you had in the situation...the lack of input, lack of warning....

 

AOU, I'm sorry you had to go through a similar situation. Can I ask how long you were with your ex for? How are you coping? I can see how his little "it was real" comment would annoy you - it'd just make me angry that they then went and done that but if he hadn't said anything....you might've been hoping he had said something like that...its always a losing battle!

[AgeOfUninnocence]

Thanks for your reply AOU. Hmm..I've tried to do the whole "see it from their POV" thing and I can see there being an attraction to someone other than your gf/bf but to actually go through with it, I think must take quite a lot. I still don't understand how you can match up simple attraction + knowing someone "shiny and new" for a mere month, before deciding to end a pretty special, 18month R with someone you built your future with. Usually in these cases, they say that "maybe they weren't completely happy in the R; something was missing in order for them to cheat/leave" and I honestly think the main factor in ours was drugs. Or the lack of drugs I did and the free drugs that this girl could get him....I get that our R wasn't perfect - we bickered a lot but come on!? Don't promise someone "you never wanna lose them, they're too much a part of your life and you'll never stop trying for them" and then bail as soon as some girl who wants to sleep with you waves some free drugs under your nose and that's it, you're gone. Its the lack of control you had in the situation...the lack of input, lack of warning....

 

AOU, I'm sorry you had to go through a similar situation. Can I ask how long you were with your ex for? How are you coping? I can see how his little "it was real" comment would annoy you - it'd just make me angry that they then went and done that but if he hadn't said anything....you might've been hoping he had said something like that...its always a losing battle!

 

I always thought that maybe I could kind of look at myself to see if I did anything wrong, and see it from his point of you, but honestly, I seriously do agree with him when he says I didn't do anything, it was him, because I know I was guilty of nothing. If anything, I'd say my worst problem was staying in on college nights because I wanted to make sure I'd be able to talk to him at night, so I wouldn't go out late and socialize. However, now that we've broken up, I'm so glad I've gotten the chance to fix that, there are so many wonderful people I've been able to get to know and I haven't had to worry about answering phone calls. Unfortunately, none of these people are potential boyfriends... But you can never have too many friends.

 

It obviously depends on each situation, was your guy seriously into drugs? The ironic thing about our stories is my ex got into some drugs too when he got to college. I got really upset with him for doing this and didn't agree with it at all, and we had some minor "fights", which was basically just me getting upset and him being upset that he made me upset. Eventually, I decided to do some with him once, because I felt like I couldn't judge him until I actually knew what it was. So I did it for him. I also never told him to stop doing them, but I let him know how I felt about it. What makes me laugh is that the girl he left me for gave him an ultimatum: drugs, or her, but he couldn't have both. So he actually gave them up for the few weeks he was with her. Of course, once they broke up he went running back to them, I was sure that wasn't going to last anyway, but he told me he was serious when he said he would give them up for her. Huh. Oooookay. Go with the girl who tells you what you can and can't do in your life. I thought he wanted a girlfriend, not a mother.

 

But for you, maybe the drugs was part of the "thrill". This whole other type of lifestyle he could have. I'd say a new lifestyle was definitely a part of my ex's new girl as well, seeing as she had the shiny attractiveness of actually going to his school and being able to be around all the time, so he'd never have to go without her.

 

I was good friends with my ex for half a year or so before we started dating, which lasted for 9 months. We've had so many rounds of NC that I'd say I'm mostly healed; the only thing that's gotten me down was seeing him get another girlfriend a while ago, but now that's over. That was a funny feeling though, I'd see it and I just felt kind of numb. Like it sunk in the fact that we'd really broken up and he wasn't coming back. I still do miss him as a friend though, there are times I want to call him up and see how his school year's going, or ask him stuff about music we listen to. I suppose that's because I actually saw him as a friend before we started dating, whereas one of my mutual friends has said that I was never "just" a friend to him, but rather a potential-girlfriend-friend, so he doesn't know how to just be my friend anymore. So much time has passed now though, and so many days without us speaking that I feel like the ground is kind of level now though. Like everything would just be starting over. And sometimes I have days where I look at his pictures and say to myself, "What? Seriously? We were dating?? I can't really remember or imagine that." His style has changed and made him look quite different than he used to, so seeing that's always weird.

[ohno89]

Hello again LoveShackers! I know it's been a while but I’m now home for the holidays after completing a dreaded term at University and finally have unlimited internet access and time away from assignments!

 

So since I last posted, my story has taken a veryyyy unexpected turn; a lot has happened which I’ll try and explain as briefly as I can as I feel the need to let it out..!

 

Okay, so I left off having had my first counselling session and finding that his g/f was now friends with him mum on FB; was pretty devastated!

 

Literally within about a week, I bumped into my ex again; I asked how he was and he said he was doing good etc, and then….there it was. “I’m not in a relationship anymore either…” I was very surprised as I was convinced they were on Cloud 9, but shows how much you just never know what’s going on behind closed doors! He said that he’s happy just being on his own, etc, and I just made a joke about him finally realising he doesn’t need a gf to make him happy due to his string of past relationships…he then asked if I wanted to grab coffee and I agreed, purely because we hadn’t had a chance to actually sit down and air things out. Obviously if he was still in a R with that girl, I would’ve flat-out refused as he doesn’t deserve to spend any time in my company as long as he’s with her!

 

The coffee was really pleasant…I didn’t want anything to get too heavy as I was mid-way through an assignment and I just couldn’t be bothered to deal with it all. I walked away without any bad feelings towards him and thankfully no actual feelings towards him and got about all the closure I felt I would get; he told me that he wasn’t in a good frame of mind while we were together, which put aside the doubts he put in my head about it being all my fault, and he also admitted that he’s always needed someone there for him which is why he jumped into another R straight away (I know he cheated/”didn’t cheat” on me with this girl but… I don’t think I’ll ever find out if she was the cause of our break-up of just an effect of his little quarter-life crisis…). He told me that he didn’t see a future with this girl so didn’t see the point in carrying on (funny that…. ). So as far as I’m concerned, it was confirmed to me that it was pretty much just a rebound R due to his co-dependency, and he was starting to see a lot of things in him that I’ve always known… I was almost a little proud of him for ending it; people stay in R’s for the wrong reasons all the time but…he admitted he’s hurt girls a lot in the past and he needed to stop doing it. Nice he realised this after hurting me so much but….maybe I was the breaking point for him…?!

 

We exchanged Blackberry pins, hugged it out and went our separate ways. For the first time in forever, I even went a good week or so without even thinking about him. In my head, it was done and I was happy. How naïve of me to have thought that…

 

He started contacting me now and again to see if I was going out that night or if I wanted to meet up…I literally did not see this coming. I thought we were on the same page about things but none of my friends were surprised at all with the series of events; him splitting up with this girl, getting back in touch with me…..but you can tell from my last post, I had never imagined that would happen…I couldn’t see him splitting up with her and I didn’t in a million years think he had the balls to try and even be friends with me… I guess for the sake of being mature, I handled the situation so nicely, that I probably lead him to believe that it was okay for us to be friends because I seemed so “over it”.

 

One of the things that annoyed me, is that he started blaming his personal problems in a way, for how he treated me… I didn’t want the drama of confronting him and I realised that, what I need from him right now, he can’t really give me. I needed an apology and I needed him to take responsibility for what he did because it was awful and I sure as hell didn’t deserve it, no matter what he was going through personally…but he needed to concentrate on himself and his problems now; I didn’t want to over-complicate his life and I know how badly he responds to being made to feel guilty…

 

So after a while of contact, I decided to delete him. Admittedly, it was pretty out of the blue for me to just stop speaking to him but I didn’t feel I owed him an explanation. At the time, I very much felt like, okay - I’d met up with him like he asked, I didn’t feel anything for him, I wasn’t really attracted to him anymore and he doesn’t even interest me much as a person now; he’s changed a lot…..but I got my closure so I thought I was okay.

 

I got a few inbox messages from him asking what was going on but I didn’t reply initially…I could tell he was trying to pull on my heart-strings as he kept telling me about his problems regarding his family etc, while we’d been talking but…I just couldn’t feel that sympathetic towards him…he told me he underestimated how much I understood things and how it’d be nice to talk to someone about it but that wasn’t my place anymore; I was NOT about to start “being there” for him as emotional support after what he did.

 

So eventually I told him that he’d lost the right to speak to me 6 months ago, let alone have me “be there” for him as a friend, and that he made his decision very clear at the time. I left his life like he wanted and he’s just going to have to finally deal with it just like I had to.

 

He apologised for contacting me, said he shouldn’t have even tried as he knows I don’t owe him anything but he appreciated that I would at least talk to him. He asked if it would be too much to still have me as a BB contact but I didn’t reply…

 

I thought it would make me feel good but ever since it happened a few days ago, I keep wondering whether or not I should get back in touch with him and at least let him have me as a contact..

 

I don’t know if it’s boredom or the holidays or maybe that I do have some feelings towards him that I don’t know about(??) (or I’m just THAT nice of a person! ) but I keep thinking…..this guy is not [entirely] stupid; he knows how much he hurt me and he MUST know how much I hate him for what he did but…if he’s even considered trying to talk to his me about things, of all people, he must be pretty desperate….As someone who cared for him a lot, I just feel bad that he’s tried to reach out to me and I’ve basically rejected him and told him to “have a nice life”….

 

I don’t know what the best thing to do is…. I know most people probably wouldn’t have even spoken to him if they were me but…I’d like to think the fact that I was able to be civil, mature and friendly towards him, means that – for the most part – I’m over him and I’m over what he did…at least I wasn’t a crying mess in front of him or didn’t just sit there and list all the hurtful things he’d done and how badly I coped… (I have far too much pride for that! )

 

I was considering contacting him on FB earlier today but I noticed he’d changed his dp to a picture he’d had before of him in the park. I know the picture was taken when he was with his ex and she had actually taken it so now I don’t know if he’s somehow trying to reach out to her now….? I know that’s a silly link to make but I’m sure you can maybe kinda see why I would think that…! If that is the case….I’d be lying if I said a tinyyyy part of me would maybe like to think I could prevent that from happening somehow…(I know, I know…! )

 

Hmmm…. I wish I could right back to that feeling I had after we went for coffee…..happy for him, yet indifference towards him.....SIGH.

[dng]

Short answer: he is playing you for the nice person that he knows you really are and he can never be, he's too damaged.

 

I know you feel compelled to help him and he knows that too.

 

Run.

[J0N]

I agree. Run.

[Sonolumino]

So now its got me thinking - ALL over again - how do they do it....? I know I'm not the first or last person this has happened to or the last but...has anyone on here done something similar to their partner at the time? How?! Did you ever miss your ex or were they just completely replaced and forgotten about? Usually they say "the person started emotionally detaching themselves from you long before you even realised etc.." but what if this wasn't necessaily the case, like if you genuinely think it was only few a few wks if anything, which doesn't seem to account enough for a year and a half worths R, and the overall decision seemed rash even to them...?

 

Is it literally as simple as, they fell in love with someone else. Done. How can you fall in love with someone else when you're claiming you still love another person? How can you leave someone you claimed to wanna marry for someone you barely know...? All these answers point to "they were lying and never really loved you to do that to you" and frankly....that makes me really sad...when you're in a R, you know the degree of love that's there so...why did they do it?

 

Ohno,

 

I think one of the main things that separates "us" from "them", is the fact that we weren't "special" to them. By special, I mean intrinsic worth as an individual human being. In a sense, you were just another girlfriend to him, and when he was done with you, or it didn't feel the way he wanted it to feel anymore, he cut it off. You weren't [your name] you were just [girlfriend No. whatever]. As you said "I miss what he was", and that other boys don't seem to compare to him. That's because you valued him individually for all that he was, and you recognized that people like him aren't easily replaceable. That is a fundamental difference in the way you and him think about relationships and love. You don't just miss the companionship of a boyfriend, you miss HIM.

 

The behavior your ex exhibited is exactly the behavior I got from my ex, and she even did it to her best friend while we were dating. My ex completely cut her friend out of her life over a silly issue overnight, and her best friend was devastated as a result. I've come to the conclusion that people like that are empty inside and are searching for something to be "whole". I don't know about your ex, but mine told me "I don't know how to be single" (which I didn't understand) and on top of that she is an only child. Again, these things might not be applicable to your situation but they could help explain certain behaviors that he shows. My ex has had a new boyfriend for a few months now, got one 5 weeks after we broke up, and never knew him at all while we were dating. It hurts me that the first guy that gave her a second look she went after without question and now says she "loves" him too. This led me to believe that she never REALLY loved me, because if she did, how could she disrespect me, our relationship, and act the way she did? I think she enjoyed my company, enjoyed how I made her feel, but when I went off and grew up a bit she couldn't handle it anymore, and that's not love. Love is NOT something you feel with every boyfriend or girlfriend you get in your life. It's a rare and serendipitous bond that either happens or doesn't, and when it does happen between two people, it's up to them to cultivate it if they think it's worth it to keep it going. To keep it going, you need maturity and fortitude both. My ex didn't think it was worth it, and was extremely immature about these things. It's pathetic really, but it doesn't make the pain go away. Now, I made mistakes too, but nothing that was bad or anything that I even needed to ask forgiveness for, because I had just grown up, and I had different interests. I honestly tried my best to keep the relationship alive, because the love that we shared was worth it to me, and I realized that I couldn't find that with just any person. Now again, I don't know you or your situation but these are just things to think about. Your definition of love seems to be much different than his was.

 

The thing that matters most is what you do now. I've learned that I don't want to get into a relationship with someone like that again, someone where I can be so disposable. I've also learned to respect myself more and not try to fix what's broken. You'll learn whatever lesson from this that you choose to see, but you just have to take a step back and look at the situation with an objective eye. Good luck with the rest of your healing and keep posting.

[ohno89]

Thank you all for your replies I never think anyone would want to even read my whining! (Also J0N, I appreciate your signature!)

 

Gosh...I know you guys are right.... I know I'll read this back in a few weeks and wonder what the hell I was thinking wanting to get in touch with him?! But right now, I literally keep feeling in two complete minds..hearing you guys has helped and right now, i will NOT contact him but it's literally like...I'll come across the girl's FB or something and all this hurt will come back and i'll be reminded of what he did..and then I'll come across something of his in my room and be like "hmm..maybe i should contact him and make sure he's okay over the holidays..." I'm an IDIOT, I know! He was grown enough to make that stupid decision he made 6 months ago so he's grown enough to look after himself over Christmas!

 

I know the one thing that's sure to stop me here is my pride...I can literally see myself being THAT girl...falling for her awful ex's pleas after everything he did and then eventually being left hurt by him AGAIN. Not gonna happen.....(hopefully).

 

Despite how much that kid hurt me...I'd like to think that - of all his g/f's - I've definately meant the most to him, and I know that doesn't make sense but...I guess love doesn't make sense, I just know that I did and that's enough for me right now. I'd much rather be his 'one that got away' than 'the one he cheated on who still went back to him'. Bleaughhhh.

 

Sonolumino - thank you for your input. A lot of what you're saying makes sense...I don't know how much of it is applicable when that person then comes running back 6 months later but I suppose it doesn't matter because it still happened...I'm sorry you're having to go through a similar situation to me....it is NOT fun!

 

I think one of the main things that separates "us" from "them", is the fact that we weren't "special" to them. By special, I mean intrinsic worth as an individual human being. In a sense, you were just another girlfriend to him

Love is NOT something you feel with every boyfriend or girlfriend you get in your life. It's a rare and serendipitous bond that either happens or doesn't, and when it does happen between two people, it's up to them to cultivate it if they think it's worth it to keep it going.

I've picked out a few bits here and I really don't wanna sound like I'm being naive here or making excuses but, like I said before, I know my ex did what he did but I can't say that the love was never there. Like you said, love doesn't happen with just anyone, and although he's been in a few relationships before me, I think he's realised now more than ever that you don't get the type of bond that we had with just anyone. He tried and although it seemed like a perfect match, it didn't last. I look at relationships around me and it often feels unfair to me that - although mine wasn't perfect and came to a horrible end - while it lasted, there was so much love and care there and so many strong emotions, that I fear I won't find that again with anyone else... But no, I see where you're coming from; no matter how 'special' i was to him, at whatever point, that stopped enough for him to do what he did...drugs or no drugs!

 

you recognized that people like him aren't easily replaceable. That is a fundamental difference in the way you and him think about relationships and love.

Funny you should say this....I actually said in my last email that I guess he didn't realise people weren't replaceable....the way he thought he could jump from our R straight into another, just picking up where we left off...going on holiday together, moving in together for a while....I never understood how people could do that...it's awful for the person they're doing it with too! I guess with my ex, the point he was at in his life - all his family drama that he kept bottled up and his love for drugs - he wanted to just get away from everything and probably did really think he could just replace me with a more edgey version of me, who - as a bonus - could get him free drugs and who he could get f***ed with.....silly boy.

 

Your definition of love seems to be much different than his was.

This made me sad.....coz the old him had a pretty similar idea of love to me and I don't even think he realised he could do that to me....he was almost in disbelief himself when he told me and now....I don't even recognise him anymore. He says he's changed now and he's in a better frame of mind but....I didn't see anything really wrong with the boy that I was with...I loved him. Despite all his dramatics, his jealousy, his personal issues...I much prefered him to the person he is now..... (which should be a good thing i know! Imagine how much I'd be pining of him now if he WAS the exact same guy...!)

 

I've come to the conclusion that people like that are empty inside and are searching for something to be "whole". I don't know about your ex, but mine told me "I don't know how to be single" (which I didn't understand) and on top of that she is an only child.

Yeah, I've read a lot on LS of ex's who swing from one R to the next coz they can't cope being alone...I even have friends who are like that, that I never really noticed until now...my ex was certainly one of them. And I told him that when I first bumped into him after our break-up, that he just goes from one R to the next and that he can't keep treating people like that...it must've hit a nerve as he then finally admitted it to me over coffee. I think there must be an underlying reason to why people are like this...I don't know about your ex, but - although it didn't make it any easier for me to deal with - I knew exactly why he went from R to R; it's because he's never really had a solid support network, not even with his family, and so emerging himself completely in a R is how he felt wanted I guess...and if one didn't work out, he moved onto the next...and if not, tried to go back to the previous one! My ex pretty much told me that I was the closest thing to making him feel "whole" if you'd like....and he let that go....

 

I think we should - if not just be proud of ourselves - just consider ourselves fortunate to not need that. As nice as it can be having a bf or a gf there for you, it's nice to know that we can cope on our own, with friends and family if needed; we don't depend on needing that love and attention because we have it in ourselves already...cheeseball but true!

 

This led me to believe that she never REALLY loved me, because if she did, how could she disrespect me, our relationship, and act the way she did?

This is definitely something I struggled with and I don't know if it's because my ex came back and tried to apologise or whatever, that I find it easier to believe, but I don't think you should hurt yourself by thinking that. Like you said, when you're in a R, you just know if the love is really there or not and if it was, then you're probably right....I know it doesn't make sense why your ex then treated you badly or why mine even did for that matter but....love doesn't make sense. Life doesn't make sense and people do things, say things, make mistakes that they later regret....I get that, even in relationships, both people could be on complete different pages but hey, like you said, use it as a learning curve...you'll know now, never to settle for anything less than what you deserve and could probably spot a red flag a mile off! I know I can!

 

And so yes, thank you; I have learnt a lot...hopefully I won't make the mistake in back-tracking with my ex and having to learn even more lessons! But I think he's certainly learnt a more valuable lesson here in the form of a big, fat mistake he made in letting me go...

Edited December 21, 2010 by ohno89

[Sonolumino]

I know my ex did what he did but I can't say that the love was never there. Like you said, love doesn't happen with just anyone, and although he's been in a few relationships before me, I think he's realised now more than ever that you don't get the type of bond that we had with just anyone. He tried and although it seemed like a perfect match, it didn't last. I look at relationships around me and it often feels unfair to me that - although mine wasn't perfect and came to a horrible end - while it lasted, there was so much love and care there and so many strong emotions, that I fear I won't find that again with anyone else.

 

If he's truly realized that you don't get that bond with anybody, then that is huge. Like I said, I'm only using your post and drawing big inferences from it to give advice that may or may not be valid. I hope that he's realized his mistake and has at least some sort of regret for what happened. I know you both had strong feelings towards one another, and I'm sure there was a lot of love between the two of you, and yes sometimes it doesn't last. You can definitely take a lot of solace in that fact. In my situation however, the repeated things my ex did and said, the way she acted, and the way she's acting now, all point to her not loving me at all. I'm a firm believer that actions talk and bull**** walks. Maybe I'm a cynic, but I refuse to believe that you can say "I love you" to someone and then act in that way. Any words she said were wildly overshadowed by the actions she took. Of course I wasn't perfect either, but I had something she didn't: The will to be better, and the will to keep what we had going, because I thought it was worth it.

 

I don't even recognise him anymore. He says he's changed now and he's in a better frame of mind but....I didn't see anything really wrong with the boy that I was with...I loved him. Despite all his dramatics, his jealousy, his personal issues...I much prefered him to the person he is now.....

 

I think when the love you two had began to fade a bit, you began to see him in a more objective light. Those dramatics, the jealousy, and personal issues were most likely already there, they were probably just hidden because of the close bond you two shared. He WAS willing to put those issues aside because he found something real with you, and you were willing to overlook the times that those issues surfaced because the love was worth it. The sad part about this is that he had to put the work in to get rid of those issues, because those aren't small problems. Your relationship couldn't have survived without him at least taking steps to grow and change those parts of his personality, because issues like that will doom even the strongest of relationships. It's very easy to say things like "I loved who he was", but one thing I've learned is that people rarely, if ever, change. A more accurate statement would be: "I loved who I thought he was". A trauma or a life changing event has to occur for real change to happen, or the person has to have an immense amount of mental strength and be willing to become something better than he/she is. Now I'm not saying that your ex isn't a strong person, but what I am saying is that in 6 months, without REAL effort, a person won't change. Again, I don't know your situation, I'm just saying that most likely it didn't happen, it was just you seeing him with new eyes. In any case, it's not something to regret.

 

even have friends who are like that, that I never really noticed until now...my ex was certainly one of them. And I told him that when I first bumped into him after our break-up, that he just goes from one R to the next and that he can't keep treating people like that...it must've hit a nerve as he then finally admitted it to me over coffee. I think there must be an underlying reason to why people are like this...I don't know about your ex, but - although it didn't make it any easier for me to deal with - I knew exactly why he went from R to R; it's because he's never really had a solid support network, not even with his family, and so emerging himself completely in a R is how he felt wanted I guess

 

That's really big of him to admit that. Most people go through life without ever knowing those things about themselves. I'm really glad that he could at least admit that he was wrong there. And yes, it's understandable as to why he did this, but the pain you feel isn't any less real because of it. Your ex was probably a good guy who just had some personal issues that he needed to work on to maintain a healthy relationship. When you are in love with someone, you're intimate with them in a way that is extremely multi-faceted. You open yourself to someone else, and that vulnerability alone scares most people away. My point is, to have a loving and long-lasting relationship after the initial phase wears off, you have to be constantly trying to work on insecurities and problems of that nature. Obviously no one's perfect and no one can ever be perfect, but it's that "effort to be better" that needs to be present in both people, and recognized by their partner. Two people should say "I love you anyway, because I'm not perfect either". That's the difference between couples that make it and couples that don't.

 

 

This is definitely something I struggled with and I don't know if it's because my ex came back and tried to apologise or whatever, that I find it easier to believe, but I don't think you should hurt yourself by thinking that. Like you said, when you're in a R, you just know if the love is really there or not and if it was, then you're probably right....I know it doesn't make sense why your ex then treated you badly or why mine even did for that matter but....love doesn't make sense. Life doesn't make sense and people do things, say things, make mistakes that they later regret....I get that, even in relationships, both people could be on complete different pages but hey, like you said, use it as a learning curve

 

Again, actions talk, bull**** walks. The fact that he came back and apologized shows what you had was real to him, and shows that you and the relationship meant something to him. But, the fact that he broke up with you also shows that for whatever reason staying with you wasn't worth it anymore. And yes, it might be easier for me to think that she did love me and we just grew apart, but I'm a person that prefers honest truth above all else, no matter how it makes me feel. I've run over the evidence over and over in my mind, and I can only come to the conclusion that she never loved me. But that's my issues and my situation. I'm happy that you can find peace and comfort in him returning to tell you those things, and if I were you I would definitely look back fondly on the time you had with him as a wonderful thing, because loving someone is something you shouldn't ever regret. I know I don't.

 

I apologize for my candor, but I feel that honesty is best when it comes to situations involving such deep and passionate feelings. I'm sure your ex and you had a very loving relationship and it sucks that it got screwed up. It doesn't take away from your value as a person nor does it take away from his value as a person. You were just two people who were lucky enough to feel love for one another, and that is definitely something to look back fondly on.

[ohno89]

Of course I wasn't perfect either, but I had something she didn't: The will to be better, and the will to keep what we had going, because I thought it was worth it.

Well there you go I'm glad you're able to see this now, and although right now, the fact that you kept trying might make you sad or angry or whatever, just know that you will hit a point when the only real thing you'll feel towards this is pride for not giving up and hopefully you can find comfort in that; you didn't break this, she did. You'll live through this, she's live with it, for a long time..

 

Your relationship couldn't have survived without him at least taking steps to grow and change those parts of his personality, because issues like that will doom even the strongest of relationships.

A trauma or a life changing event has to occur for real change to happen, or the person has to have an immense amount of mental strength..

Yup and yup. I now I might sound a little naive here and like I'm making excuses for him to make myself feel better but...if I can look at the broader picture here other than "he cheated on me, he's a knob, screw him" - he's a very complicated character. He always has been and knowing even half of what his upbringing has been like, I'm not surprised at all. He's always had problems, he's never really addressed them and he's used drugs as a form of escape. I'd like to think the closest thing to a "life changing event" that happened for him was around the time we broke up - he kind of flipped out; he stopped speaking to his family, he wasn't attending university, he'd lost contact with a lot of his close friends, he delved into drugs hard and it was only a matter of time before he f***ed me off aswell; I didn't fit into his "new life" anymore... I think his wake-up call came when I didn't go running after him and he bagan to realise that this person he always proclaimed to "never want to lose", he had in fact lost for good, because of his own actions and mistakes. He failed his year at university, his friends-circle has completely changed and basically only consisted of people he went out and did drugs with, he hadn't gone home over the summer and his family problems had escalated.

 

Your ex was probably a good guy who just had some personal issues that he needed to work on to maintain a healthy relationship.

I agree with this too....my ex has pretty much said in so many words that yes, he was messed up while he was with me but he's been getting counselling and is in a much better frame of mind now. I want to believe him for the most part and it would've been interesting to see if we could've made a better go of it this time round but.....the fact that - in order for him to get where he is now - he felt the need to spaz out, cheat on me, be in a RELATIONSHIP with this girl for 6 months because he "needed someone there" ......you're right; it doesn't make the hurt any less real. No amount of excuses will change what he did...I just wish he didn't do it.......

 

It was just you seeing him with new eyes.

But, the fact that he broke up with you also shows that for whatever reason staying with you wasn't worth it anymore.

And yes, I very much have to keep reminded myself of this. This "new him" or whatever....I don't think if I met him now, we would've had the same connection, the same attraction and the same loving relationship....I don't regret ever being with him and actually, I'm glad that I caught him at his 'nicest' stage if you'd like...before he became this other person...it's just sad that I had to go through that transition with him and get the backlash of it...

 

I apologize for my candor, but I feel that honesty is best when it comes to situations involving such deep and passionate feelings. I'm sure your ex and you had a very loving relationship and it sucks that it got screwed up. It doesn't take away from your value as a person nor does it take away from his value as a person. You were just two people who were lucky enough to feel love for one another, and that is definitely something to look back fondly on.

Please don't apologise; it's what LS is here for! It's reasons like the above that - although I'm sorry that there are so many people going through so much pain and hurt and you and I - I know that you'll be okay. You seem to have a level-head on your shoulders and you live life with no regrets. I think that's a very important thing...please keep us updated and thank you again for your kind words and support, it never goes unforgotten! x

[ohno89]

Okay, so it was Christmas yesterday and I did something a little stupid...

 

Just before I came back from the holidays, I told my ex who was trying to contact me, that he'd lost the right to speak to me, cut him off and said my goodbyes. Upon returning home, for some bizarre reason, I had very strong urges to contact him - more than I've ever had since the break-up - but I told myself, it was just a combination of being back at home, the festive period and being hormonal! After a few days, the urge passed and I was proud of myself for not caving in. I didn't have any real reasons to want to contact him and he needed to be taught a lesson. I don't think he's ever really got rejected by girls before but he needed to realise that he can't treat people how he treated me and expect to just be forgiven and be friends again - it's not gonna work with me!

 

Having said all this.....come Christmas Day, when I was doing the rounds of texting people, something came over me and I messaged him saying Merry Christmas... On his part, he's probably thinking "I knew she couldn't keep away!"

 

I know my ex has a very tough family life back at home and this Christmas in particular was going be worse due to certain issues...I also was with him this time last year and although we weren't together on Christmas Day, it was so nice to have each other and then spend New Years together...

 

So anyhow, I contacted him, I got the same response back and then I just HAD to go and carry on the conversation...! My main concern was where he was spending Christmas as he had no idea where he'd be and that he was okay but it wasn't til after I sent it, that I thought to myself... "so if he replies, saying he's having an awful time and needs to talk, and i DID say I would be here if he really needed me......what am I going to do?!" And that's pretty much what happened. He asked if he could call but doesn't have my number so I dodged it at first and he got pissed off - understandably as in theory, I emailed him, I told him I would be here for him if he needed me and then when he does ask to talk, I pretty much refuse. In my defence...I don't know how much he actually NEEDS to talk to me; his offer of "do you fancy a chat?" doesn't quite scream "I NEED TO TALK TO YOU!"......

 

I now feel a little trapped and a LOT of regret of ever emailing him....I should've just left it how it was and if I happen to bump into him at university, then I do...

 

I do feel a little like I'm messing with his head and I hate myself a little for it...he can probably see straight through this as well - he is not the type of person to get walked over, especially as - despite me thinking how ridiculous he was to try and be friends with me or whatever in the first place - it takes a lot of guts to go back to someone that you wronged so badly and try and make amends...and he has tried.

 

Problem is, I don't know what my real reasonings were for wanting to contact him...either I am genuinely just concerned for him, even though I completely understand he's not my responsibility anymore, and it's not like I lie awake worrying about him.....or maybe it's just a weird ego boost for me, I dunno....... maybe, having heard that I'm "one of the only few people who understand him" and knowing that his last g/f who he cheated on me with obviously couldn't cut it with him that emotionally, like he clearly needs in his life, maybe I'm trying to hang onto that status or whatever...I dunno, it's messed up.......

Edited December 26, 2010 by ohno89

[ohno89]

So i was still feeling a little emotional since my last post so I decided to write my feelings down and I think I've just solved my problem here; I think I'm holding onto something that's not there anymore and confusing the whole situation in the process.

 

I know my ex wanted to make amends with me and wanted to see me but...when I look at him now, there aren't any feelings or emotions there at all....I look at him and I'm just a little sad at the person he's turned into now and how I've lost the person he was and the boy that I was madly in love with...

 

I know it probably would've been wayyy worse if I did still have feelings for him like I was terrified about having, because - either way, if he was still with this other girl or not - I couldn't be with him...but it's literally still heartbreaking for me to have come to this realisation...

 

Me and my ex - like most couples probably - always agreed that, no matter what, we will always want to stay in each others lives and my ex would always tell me he never wanted to lose me. I think at the time, we genuinely both never imagined that the other one could be possible of doing such a thing to the other, that it never even crossed our minds. Probably why we found it so simple to say and we/I found it so easy to believe..

 

I know my ex was going through a lot but it doesn't and will not excuse what he did to me. Even still, I'm not going to hold a grudge about it, and if whatever he was going through - even if it was the shock of failing uni, losing me, and distancing with friends and family - whatever it was, hopefully it's helping him now...I mean he has started to get counselling so I guess that's always a good thing......it's just always gonna suck that he had to do what he did in order to get where he is now....which even still, from my point of view, still isn't in a great place. But I think that's the only person he feels he can be right now.....he's changed a lot and I just don't believe that for the last 2 or 3 yrs, he's been putting on this act of being a really great guy, a good friend, a great boyfriend, a nice son......I think it's sadly a typical case of someone flipping out, having a bit of a quarter-life crisis, whatever you wanna call it.........

 

Even after everything, I never wanted to stop caring about this guy...even as a friend...but, it's not there anymore. I think the day he turned his back on me like he did, was the day that I - not only lost a friend, a boyfriend and a lot of future plans - but i lost a lot of respect for him..respect that I just don't think he can ever truly earn back.

 

None of this makes it any easier......for anyone reading this thinking "god, I wish I could feel that way about my ex when they start contacting me again" or realise their mistakes or whatever.......okay, given that it's DEFINATELY better than feeling like crap after the break-up, it still really makes me sad......it makes me sad that I saw my future with this person, that we wanted to share so many experiences together and that I could've married this guy....there isn't anyone who has come along yet - before or after him - that measured upto the 'nice' him or how much I liked him.....our time was cut short wayyy too early.....and now, I look at him and nothing....it's not nice..

 

I've written this all out to him but...I don't think I can bare to send it...at least not right now anyway. I don't think I could handle sending that to him and making all of this real. He might not even care....he might've just been using me through boredome or to ease his own guilt about what he did...i might not get a response or get abuse....I dunno... I don't wanna say all of this stuff to him and then have to face seeing him around campus, it'd be awful...

 

We're not talking right now so it's not like I'm stringing him along or anything....I think contact with us will be on/off and very minimal right up until I finish university...but that's still like 5 months away, I don't think I canw ait that long....!

 

Ohhhh.....

Edited December 26, 2010 by ohno89

[IfiKnewThen]

i am older than you guys long out of college and i wish i had the answer. dont

 

quote: Is it literally as simple as, they fell in love with someone else. Done. How can you fall in love with someone else when you're claiming you still love another person? How can you leave someone you claimed to wanna marry for someone you barely know...? All these answers point to "they were lying and never really loved you to do that to you" and frankly....that makes me really sad...when you're in a R, you know the degree of love that's there so...why did they do it?

 

the someone i loved married 7 days ago after meeting her in august (once) in another country..(mexico)...then engaged to her in Nov...then married this 1 week ago today. so thats 4 months. oh yeah and they bought a house together in this country and her son is enrolled in a school here. and no he wasnt just trying to get her into the country. this after claiming love for me for 10 years and up until june 2010. we were supposed to be together.

 

 

i think it just goes sour with us somehow and they have it in their heads before...to maybe get away and then when someone makes them "feel alive" even if it be with drugs (so rediculous) they go wiht THAT person.

 

hugs i am sorry for your pain. i am going to claim that you will find the love of your life someday and someday soon..and look back and say thank God!

[blover]

guys, Just this - I feel you. I am glad for LS. HUUGGGS.