mmk1 Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 One of the girls I am dating wants to just casually date. We have dated 5-6 times and the first dates were very passionate and then she backed off. We are both just getting back into dating, me following a divorce, her after just taking a break for 2-3 years. So, she wants us both to date others and so I am. But of the 3-4 other girls I'm dating, she is one I see real potential in and that's where our disagreement comes in. I think we need to date exclusively to really know each other and see if we are right for each other. She, on the other hand, thinks we find that out by dating others and just dating each other casually (and no sex!). This is not my way of doing things and I frankly do not enjoy running any race. My philosophy is give us a chance and if it doesn't work out, we can both move on. I'm willing to try her way for a while (maybe a month) and then reevaluate. Any thoughts on who is being unreasonable in this, me or her? Or, should I just ditch this right now? Thanks!
Sarah1977 Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I don't think either one of you is being unreasonable. You just have different dating styles, I guess. Nothing wrong with that. Ditch her if you're adamant that you don't want to try it her way.
Star Gazer Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I agree with Sarah, but to help you see if from your lady friend's perspective. It's like tasting food, or wine. What you're suggesting, is that a meal be put in front of her, and she taste it. And taste it again. And taste it again. And again. And again. And decide if that meal is the meal she wants to eat from here on out. Only that meal. What she's suggesting is that she line up at a buffet, and start tasting everything, until she figures out the one dish she wants to fill her plate with. Sometimes you have to taste one thing, and another, and another, and then back to the first, then the other two, etc., until you figure out which one fits your tastes and appetite best. She wants to make sure YOU are the one she wants. I've always thought that this is actually the most complimentary method of selecting a mate as well. If you were her only option, and she just went along with it and committed to seeing only you, wouldn't that feel...meh? Whereas, if she ultimately chooses you, after having gotten to know you and comparing you to all the other men, and gives her body to you, and only you...ain't that really special? I think so.
carhill Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 So, have you talked with each other about how casual sex will be incorporated into the casual dating dynamic? I'm presuming neither of you are celibate. Also, have you discussed relationship goals *in general*? What keys me in on these things is a word you mentioned - potential 'Potential' tells me you have a bit more invested than casual female companionship desire. Any insight on this?
D-Jam Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 One of the girls I am dating wants to just casually date. We have dated 5-6 times and the first dates were very passionate and then she backed off. We are both just getting back into dating, me following a divorce, her after just taking a break for 2-3 years. So, she wants us both to date others and so I am. But of the 3-4 other girls I'm dating, she is one I see real potential in and that's where our disagreement comes in. I think we need to date exclusively to really know each other and see if we are right for each other. She, on the other hand, thinks we find that out by dating others and just dating each other casually (and no sex!). This is not my way of doing things and I frankly do not enjoy running any race. My philosophy is give us a chance and if it doesn't work out, we can both move on. I'm willing to try her way for a while (maybe a month) and then reevaluate. Any thoughts on who is being unreasonable in this, me or her? Or, should I just ditch this right now? Thanks! Tell her how you feel...just be ready to walk if she won't give you what you want. You never know though...if you two are going strong then she might take a chance.
Author mmk1 Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 At this point, I am not celibate with the others and she obviously is not asking me to be. I have no clue whether she has sex with others and just not me at this point, I guess its none of my business until she decides to tell me. While I would like to be in a relationship eventually, I think for her it depends if she feels she finds the right guy. She thinks I have "alot of great qualities" and "no deal breakers" but wants to be sure by dating others. (It sounded better than I just wrote that!) I have not allowed myself to be invested in any of the three girls I regularly date or the others I start dating, which is best for me. At least one of them is invested in me, however, which I discourage. The bottom line is, I have no problem getting as many dates as I want with fun, attractive, smart girls but my goal is not to endlessly, mindlessly multi-date. My goal is to find one special girl and see if we can make it work. That's why I'm having some trouble with this "lets see others thing." Right now, I'm inclinded to just go with the flow and see where everything goes, as Sarah and SG suggested. Just have to adjust my thinking alittle!
bayouboi Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I'd say it's still pretty early, but it definitely sounds like "i want 2 bang other dewds"
Cee Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 One strategy that may suit both of you is that she dates multiple people and you date her exclusively. I know it sounds unbalanced, but you can spend your extra time focused on non-dating interests. Dating 3 women you aren't that into sounds like a complete waste of time and energy.
carhill Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 OP, as someone who reads LS and gets great perspective from the women here, do you really think your 'primary' dating partner took 2-3 years off from dating, men and sex and is now just 'getting back into it' and wants to be casual, especially as casual appears to include casual non-exclusive sex? Does that scan? Regardless, if you think exclusive dating is *your* path, set a timeline to discuss that with her, like the month you mentioned, then do it. If you find disagreement without compromise, exercise your boundary. As you are seeing, you get your noodle wet plenty, so there's always another potential.
Author mmk1 Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 Cee, its funny you should say that. She actually told me to get more hobbies, which I don't need. I think her point is that she doesn't want the pressure of being my sole interest, which it is truly far from being my only interest. Made me laugh! I am interested in others in their own way, its fun and keeps me from getting to serious with any of them. It also helps me with my "hobby" of finding new places to go and experience in town. They're like friends that I can also have some romance with, best of both worlds. The one downside is its expensive!!
Author mmk1 Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 Carhill, again, I have no idea if she is having sex with anyone else, I just know it isnt me. I was her first date back in the dating world and it would surprise me if she was having sex with others, but she owes me nothing and that's her business. Should I ask her if she's having sex with others? Is it any of my business? If she is and not with me, I would probably Next! her.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Carhill, again, I have no idea if she is having sex with anyone else, I just know it isnt me. I was her first date back in the dating world and it would surprise me if she was having sex with others, but she owes me nothing and that's her business. Should I ask her if she's having sex with others? Is it any of my business? If she is and not with me, I would probably Next! her. It's none of your business, but you want to know... hmm contradicting yourself much? Why don't you just go about this more reasonably and ask her if she wants to date exclusively. That will give you a better go ahead to either stay or launch without coming off as needy. As you've said, she owes you nothing right now as far what the two of you mean to each other. You either step up, take charge, or you just let it go and find someone more compatible.
lso802 Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I'm siding with the lady. I don't think it's unfair of her to casually date at this time. If that's not your style, just let her go, and find someone who feels the same way as you do about this matter.
Cee Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 (edited) Mmk1, your thread brings up sadness in me and is the reason I can't stomach online dating anymore. This woman is dating maybe 3 or 4 guys, including you. You are dating 3 or 4 women, including her. Several people are being strung along, including possibly you. Online dating is designed to have a large pool of single people who are continually searching. Yes, relationships happen, but not for everybody. Edited November 5, 2010 by Cee
Author mmk1 Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 I guess I did ask her last night if she wanted to be exclusive and she said no, but "possibly" after she has more experience dating and knows me better. On the surface, this seems reasonable but "possibly" is not the most my comfortable arrangement. I just need to put her in my dating category and keep going out with the others and new ones (I have two new girls this weekend) and see how things go with the others. It will be her loss if I find someone I like better in the meantime, really. Also, its not contradictory to want to know if she's having sex with others but realize its not your business to ask.
Author mmk1 Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 Cee, most of the girls I date I meet personally, not over the web. Out of the five girls I'm dating now, 3 I met in real life and 2 (including this girl) are from the web. So, I'd be multi-dating even without the web. I actually have more sucess in person. I do want a relationship, but just haven't gotten to that point with someone who wants a relationship with me yet. I've only been back out dating for about 2 months. Now for my controversial statement, Cee: What I've found is that girls in the their 40s, especially those who were never married, all tend to be so set in their ways that they make no compromise in their lifes to accomodate a guy in their lives but bemoan the fact that there are no good guys out there. This is especially true with never married women who have dogs. There, I've said it.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 I guess I did ask her last night if she wanted to be exclusive and she said no, but "possibly" after she has more experience dating and knows me better. On the surface, this seems reasonable but "possibly" is not the most my comfortable arrangement. I just need to put her in my dating category and keep going out with the others and new ones (I have two new girls this weekend) and see how things go with the others. It will be her loss if I find someone I like better in the meantime, really. Also, its not contradictory to want to know if she's having sex with others but realize its not your business to ask. It's not reasonable ( for you) but it is a fact. Since she's already told you how she felt, if you don't like this situation, you have all the right to remove yourself from it. Just don't turn it on her and make it seem like she's missing out.
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